How so I get DH to understand that he has a role in the smooth running of my relationship with his mother?

[TheRealMBJ]

Ok,

She's great financially generous and will drop everything to help if necessary but emotionally remote, critical and very controlling and loves down the road

I am insecure, very sensitive to criticism and far from my own family.

DH is the youngest of 3, his mother's clear (though unspoken favourite) and although able to see his mother's faults, unwilling to accept that his response to our relationship plays apart in how we interact with one another.he will not accept that he plays a role in facilitating our relationship.

[MadBraLady]

Hard to know what you mean without specific examples. Does he not back you up when you disagree with her (assuming you are in the right!)?

[TheRealMBJ]

DH hates conflict, so prefers to take the path of least resistance. In the case of me and his mother, it means him excusing her undermining of my authority when it comes to the kids (example last week, DS tantruming as I asked him it to out batteries in his mouth, and her stepping in to give him and ice-cream while saying to DS 'Have you been good boy?')

He feels this was ok, as it stopped the tantrum in it's tracks, I don't as I feel the oppertunity to learn an important lesson has been lost.

[MadBraLady]

Ok, so does she actively override you or try to stop you doing things/change what you've done? I can see that her spontaneously proferring her own solutions is a bit of a PITA, but it doesn't sound like conflict as such? So it's hard to know whether DH would back you if the chips were down or not.

Are you basically just feeling a bit hemmed in by his family, rather than being able to relax with yours?

[TheRealMBJ]

Yeah, I suppose, I feel (owing to the proximity of his and the thousands of miles of separation from mine) dictated to by his family and their way of doing things

She does (at times) tell me directly and in front of the children that she believes I am over reacting or worrying too much or or but if I were to

[TheRealMBJ]

Gah! Posted too early.

She would never actively over-ride me if I put my foot down. But in the intrest
Of conflict avoidance, I seldom do pit my foot down

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Could you explain to her in a nice way that things she does are not the way you would like to deal with things? E.g. the batteries in mouth incident, you could have said 'i dont want him to get distracted/rewarded with ice cream, i want him to listen to me' or something like that? Could you not say that you would like to deal with things in your own way, can she please support you in that? She doesnt sound evil to me,not unless there's more to it.

My mil used to go on (gently but nonetheless) about breastfeeding, that i should start giving food eventhough i only bf till son was 6 months. I was wound up but just kept my cool and reiterated that thats my decision and i'll stick to it. However mil is 70+ and we see then once a week or so so i didnt feel too cornered. Quietly though i was ready to tell her what i think, luckily it never came to that.

Perhaps you could just speak to her?