I have massively screwed up my marriage, and I desperately want to get it back.

[SecretJewel]

I'm in love with somebody else :-(

We've been friends through work for a long time, but over the last year or two, we seem to have gradually fallen in love.

That sounds terrible. I have never felt like this before about anyone.

The depth of feeling that comes from loving someone based on gradually getting to know their character and personality over a long period of time has blown me away.

When I met dh, the initial attraction was all based on looks and was very much a physical thing. Obviously the growing to love each other then was based on more than that, but I still know that we would never have got that far if it wasn't for the looks thing.

The new man, I wouldn't have looked at twice across a crowded room, but I have fallen in love with him through our friendship, and now I think he is gorgeous!

Anyway, so our 'relationship' has now gone as far as kissing and texting all day every day. I can't stop thinking about him.

Apart from him and dh, there has never been anyone else in my life. I settled down with dh when I was 17. I'm now 35 and we have 3 children.

Every conscience thought that I am in control of tells me, I want to stay with dh, I want my family together, I DO NOT want to bust our lives apart.

BUT, my heart says so different. My heart is gone. I love the OM now and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I know the answer is 'I am in control of my own actions'. I know this and I did stop all contact with OM for a period of about 5 months. I saw him again a couple of months ago, and now we're right back to square 1.

I almost wish he didn't feel the same way. That it was just some silly one sided crush. But it's not. I'm going to push him away. I'm going to plod on day by day with my family life, but I'm always going to know now that there is someone else out there who I could be so happy with.

I was happy enough with dh before I knew what it was like to feel like this about someone. Nothing can ever undo that now.

[SecretJewel]

I think I've painted an overly negative picture of myself here.

Everyone is feeling very sorry for dh, and I know that what I've done here is wrong, but that emotional unavailability that Charbon refers to is nothing new. He has ALWAYS been this way. I don't think he has ever paid me a compliment out of the blue. In 18 yrs, I have never seen him cry about anything.

Having said that, he would go along with intimacy as long as I initiated it. He'd hug me if I asked for a hug. He's listen if I wanted to talk, but would give very little back.

The difference now, is not that he's cut himself off. It's that I've stopped being the driving force in our relationship. He seems to have hardly noticed to be honest (or if he has it's the usual head in the sand strategy).

When I was younger, I didn't really mind this. I'm the one that's changed, not him. I think I must have thought that all men were like him emotionally. I didn't know any different. After having kids and growing up a lot, I think I started questioning this and noticing that other men do not all appear to be so dysfunctional.

And then of course I proved my case with OM. He's the complete opposite of dh. His sensitivity and emotional awareness is very high. And I don't just mean in terms of our affair. I mean in all aspects if the way in which he interacts with people.

This is what I love about him. This is why what he looks like doesn't matter a jot. I'll never have that with dh.

[Charbon]

His sensitivity and emotional awareness isn't very high at all. He is hurting his wife and choosing to. He doesn't actually want you full time. He wants his wife and absolutely does not envisage you as a realistic alternative. He has less grip on what he's doing and why than you have, unless he's on a similar forum and has also taken himself off to counselling, which somehow I doubt. You are seeing neither him nor this affair realistically.

Your husband is a separate issue. You're not seeing him in any way clearly now either. For every action, there will be a reaction. You are choosing to see what he does very negatively right now, but your lens is blurred and distorted because of the affair.

You're seeing neither man or relationship clearly.

I think it's very likely that this will play out as I outlined. The only likely change to that story is if the OM backs away and stays away and that will be the best outcome for him and his family. I so hope he does, for his own sake and his wife's. That will still however leave you and your DH in a worse position than before, but only you can do something about that now.

[scottishmummy]

No.If your fancy man was so sensitive and emotionally attuned he'd not be having affair
5 kids,2star crossed lovers making excuses,and Believing selves to be compelled
This it's not real,it's not the daily tasks of tesco,kids,paying utility bills,it's a fantasy

[SecretJewel]

I think it's highly likely OM is going to back away now.

Even though it was him that did all the running this time.

Whether he will stay away, I suppose remains to be seen.

But yes, it's my marriage that is worse off, and obviously I am not happy about that and I know that it's only me that can fix it.
BUT, that means going back to all those years of doing all the pushing and all the driving in my relationship with dh. I could do this for the sake of the family unit (and because essentially I would be worse off as a single mum), but really I want to be in a relationship where I actually get something back.

[scottishmummy]

Ok,tell respective partners,the kids make plans to not lie anymore.be a couple
Set up home,test the reality of the relationship,the tesco and finances and day to day stuff
If it's solid relationship you'll both weather the inevitable storm.at mo you live lalala land

[Earlybird]

You are so passive in all this - not taking responsibility for your role at all. The emotional affair occurred because you allowed it to progress. Things like this don't just happen. If you had 'shut it down' earlier, you would not be in this situation.

Even now you say 'it is likely the OM will back away now' and 'whether he stays away remains to be seen'. Where is your will in this? Where is your power and strength? Where is your choice?

If you are determined to make a go of it with your dh, you must close the door to this other man absolutely and completely. Delete and block phone numbers and emails, etc. End it. Completely. Find some backbone and resolve. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop mooning around. Stop being the victim and the martyr.

I know i am being harsh with you, but it is going to take strength and courage for you to rebuild your life. So grow up and do it.

[Charbon]

No it doesn't mean going back to old relationship habits. You know this. You can try to create new ones and start a more honest relationship with your husband and if he doesn't want to join in or his efforts aren't working, you end the relationship.

Stop presenting this as though there are only bleak options. There are many options for you to take.

It shouldn't matter whether the OM stays away or comes back. If he's still the one controlling your fidelity and will continue to be, then the problems in your marriage and most critically within you as a person, will continue.

You are not passive and a victim of fate, or of any individual. Your most powerful enemy is yourself.

[scottishmummy]

Essentially you have external locus of control op,belief op control your outcomes
And for whatever reason you like om strong,unobtainable and calling shots
it absolves you of responsibility,you think none of this your fault.all about love,om,anyone except you

[SecretJewel]

I'd love to think that I could create a new relationship with dh.
What relationship we had (good & bad bits) had all fallen apart long before OM attraction.

Dh has always been distant with me. For the past 12-18 mths, I have been distant with him too.

Now I know that on this occasion, I am the one in the wrong, and so I am the one who needs to put some effort in.

But how do I balance that with the fact that I refuse to go back to the days of asking for hugs and following him around the house to talk to him.

In a different way, dh is just as unavailable to me as OM is

[scottishmummy]

You like all the drama,the what-ifs.I get no element of you being distressed reading your posts
You get irritated at posters who you perceive attack you
But your post v egocentric all you,you.your dilemma.the compelling factors you can't control

[Fairenuff]

But how do I balance that with the fact that I refuse to go back to the days of asking for hugs and following him around the house to talk to him

First you would have to tell your dh that you've been kissing and texting another man for a long time.

You have to take full responsibility for this. You cannot place any blame on your dh. You cannot explain that you felt emotionally neglected. You cannot excuse your behaviour in any way at all.

All those feelings are a separate issue and one that you should have faced earlier. You should have talked to your dh about your marriage and let him know how you felt. If all else failed, you had the option to leave.

You did not have to lie to him. You did not have to cheat. You did not have to treat him with such disdain and disrespect. These are the things that you will have to face up to before you can even consider rebuilding your marriage.

Are you able to do that, do you think?

[JustinBsMum]

I've been with 1 man all my life, and I've spent vast periods of time at home on maternity leave, or working very low hours due to lack of childcare. Now all the kids are at school and I've got a tiny bit more freedom, I am sort of finding myself again (and messing it all up clearly)

You sound in an emotional turmoil but not due to lurve for some twerp, due to losing your identity or maybe never finding it in the first place. Being good-looking isn't enough to give you a happy life.

You suggest your unloving DH has pushed you into lurve for OM. And what - no tinkerbell is going to come along and wave a wand so that life is bliss from next week onwards. You are allowing yourself to wander into a disaster and heartache for your family - kidding yourself it's, I don't know, your DH?, your DF?, your early marriage? that's to blame. so somehow you can't do anything.

FGS sit down and think for a minute or two. WHAT do you want for yourself and YOUR life over the next decade or two. Forget DH, forget OM. Just think of you.

You prob think SAHM, bit of a pt job, boring husband - yes, that's the easiest but is it what you want???

I hope you can come back with some suggestions.

[Charbon]

The alternatives are all there, but you just don't want to take them.

You won't confront the most important issues, which are in you and how you behave.

You can stay with your husband in the dull marriage that you've both contributed to, you could make a genuine attempt to revitalise it or you could be on your own.

Those are all real options but the only ones you think you have are having an affair with a man who doesn't want you permanently if it means he's got to give up his wife - and staying in a dismal marriage.

That's not even looking at the other aspects that are lacking from your life that could use your attention; better friendships with women, better mothering, career achievements and better relationships with your parents.

Both of the options you've outlined involve emotionally unavailable men. Do you actually want to be defined as a person by just the unsatisfactory romantic attachments you form?

[bunchofposy]

I've been following this post with interest, partly as you don't really seem to be what it says in the title, which is desperate to get your marriage back. Fwiw I think it's partly about the chase for OM too, and that if you leave your husband, he will find a reason not to leave his wife, and stay 'happy enough'.

Incidentally, my DH sounds quite like your DH! (why do you want to see him cry?) and I love him so much for it because he is so far removed from the 'emotionally sensitive' lying manipulators men I thought I wanted in my twenties.

[SecretJewel]

I am taking all this on board, and the advice is very much appreciated.

The lack of identity thing and 'finding myself' is probably my biggest problem. Especially when, as pointed out, I never really 'had' myself in the first place because I've never lived a grown up, adult life without being a mother and a wife.

I've struggled with this for a long time. I was a high achiever at school, and wasting my brain being stuck at home drives me crazy. I was just starting to deal with all this when my relationship with OM started changing.

Since then, I have got myself a new job, I have increased my hours, and I have made huge efforts to rekindle friendships that I neglected whilst the kids were tiny.

I am slowly starting to see the benefits of all this, but of course building things like careers and meaningful friendships is a slow process.

Maybe OM was a quick fix?

I have however kept up all my efforts to redefine my life thought all of the on/off relationship with OM over the past year.

The thought of the next 10-15 years as SAHM, pt time job and boring marriage is NOT GOOD. I need a career and a social life.

At the moment, I am struggling with focussing on my marriage, and I am happier focussing on the career and friendships thing.

Does this mean I am paving the way for being single and happy on my own at some point?

I'm kind of hoping that my relationship with dh will naturally change as I find myself again and as I become a more interesting rounded person to be married to! Does that make any sense?!?!

[SecretJewel]

Posy - intrigued that you like the emotional unavailability!

I suspect your dh is not as bad as mine though.

My dh has seen close relatives at death's door and gone 'oh right, I see'.

When he was handed his baby daughter in the delivery room, it was an awkward 'Oh, okay. Thanks'.

There's not a flicker of emotion in his eyes.

OM has character and people skills in spades. Although agree, he can also be a manipulative liar.

Dh couldn't manipulate someone if his life depended on it!

[Earlybird]

STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! (and yes, I realise I am shouting)

You created this life of yours. You chose your dh, you chose to marry young, you chose to have several dc, you chose to not work/take time off, you chose to put your career on the back-burner. This all did not just 'happen' to you - you made it happen. You chose every bit of it.

Having a romantic fling with a married man is a disastrous choice for all concerned - yourself included.

Start spending your energy thinking about how you are going to put together a life that you want, bearing in mind the responsibilities you have and the commitments you have made. Running off into the sunset with some fantasy man is not the real world.

[Fairenuff]

You've been with this man for 18 years. You are trying to imply that he is responsible for your dissatisfactiion. You are trying to blame him for your infidelity.

Why?

[AnyFucker]

There is a way you can change your relationship with your husband

Tell him the truth

See if it kick starts him into giving you what you need

It's a risky strategy, but one I think you are possibly playing out like a slow motion car crash

Speed it up...do a Jason Statham and light the touch paper under your marriage. See where the pieces fall.

it's as good as an idea as any other I have seen on your thread

the advantage for your H is that he gets to make a choice, and to know what fight he is currently engaged in if he but knew it

[cjel]

You won't be single and happy you are married and will always be divorced, as for YOU being happy what about all the children who will then be from a broken home? Wont seeing their distress make you unhappy? Changes can be made to your life within your marriage. Successful marriages are made when couples grow and change together.If you txt and kissed your husband every day your marriage would be much more fun.

[cerealqueen]

But, I just can't be happy now, knowing that there is something so wonderful that I am missing out on

But it won't be wonderful, and you won't be truly happy because you can't be happy when it is based on other people's unhappiness.

[bunchofposy]

Secret, no, it's just that having spent my early twenties around manipulative lying men like your OM, I now just like straightforward, kind men who don't mess me or other people around for their own selfish reasons and I don't expect my DH to be someone he is not for my benefit.

How your DH reacted to someone dying or his DD being born has no bearing on whether he has feelings about those things or not. My DH didn't cry when DD was born, but do I think that means he felt nothing? No! His feelings are his business though, I am not going to probe him to spill his guts about how wonderful it was, because I know he thought it was. Why do you expect or need him to feel or act in a certain way, or in the way that you would?

If OM cared about you, he wouldn't have got in contact with you, and manipulated you back into this situation. He never took you seriously when you said you wanted not to be in contact. What does that say about him, and how he thinks about you? Do you really think your life together is going to be tearful conversations about feelings? Believe me, when it starts mattering, he will not provide the support you want and you will wish you had your straightforward kind man back.

[OhLori]

OP, I just think you need some time to truly reflect. Perhaps seeing a good counsellor might help? You sound both struggling and excited and I get the impression you have a lot of dammed-up feelings. Expressing these with someone supportive might help you find your way more clearly. I don't think you need to make any decisions yet. Good luck.

[madoldbird]

OM wants to have his cake and eat it. How can you find a man who treats his wife and family like this attractive?

The key here is "choice". Today, tomorrow, everyday, you can choose how you behave, and choose your goals in life. Do you really want to save your marriage? Then open up to your DH, be honest, and if he is willing to give things a go after what he has heard, then work together on it, get couples therapy or whatever you think will help. Do you want to end your marriage? Then take steps to do this, tell DH, get legal advice, etc. Do you want things to stay as they are? Then let them. How you behave is your CHOICE. You can change things if you want. You can end the involvement with the OM if you want. You are not like a helpless bit of seaweed on the shore being pushed and pulled by the tide.

Of course you cannot predict or control how the other people involved will react or behave. That is their choice.

Begin today to think about what you want from life, then take steps to work towards that.Good luck OP.

[Fairenuff]

I'm going to push him away. I'm going to plod on day by day with my family life, but I'm always going to know now that there is someone else out there who I could be so happy with

This is your problem. You have a warped idea of what life would be like with om. You see your dh as boring, predictable, stable and uninteresting.

You see om as exciting, affectionate, fun. You have completely compartmentalised these men according to some fantasy in your head.

Do you think if you lived with om it would be all hearts and flowers? Do you think he would fart in front of you, or stink out the toilet? What about the daily grind? You would still be shopping, cooking, washing, ironing cleaning, going to work, picking up his smelly socks.

Guess what? You would still be plodding on day by day with your family life.

But this time your dh would be estranged. You would not always have your children with you. You might even have his children for Christmas and not your own. Have you thought about that?

He would still be in touch with his ex. You would never be able to trust him. When he doesn't answer his phone, or is later than expected, or needs to 'pop out' on some errand for an hour or two, you will always be wondering whether he is texting and kissing someone else.

Eventually your dh might settle down with someone and be really happy. How will you feel about 'the one that got away' then? All you see is that the grass is greener on the other side.

What did you expect us all to say? Ditch the husband and go with the om and live happily ever after. Or stay married and pursue the om for a bit of how's your father?

I think it's time to grow up before you suddenly realise you've wasted your life OP.

Tell your dh and get some really good counselling for yourself.

Btw, in case you're not aware, we all have opportunity to cheat in our relationships. We are not just attracted to one person for ever. We all have occasion where we 'click' with someone else.

I've had opportunity, I expect everyone has. I just say, 'No thanks I'm married' and don't give it another thought. It doesn't happen all the time, it is an ego boost, it does make me go all aflutter for a moment or two. But I'm married. That's my choice.

We all live like this, so the om won't be the last man you find yourself drawn to. Don't make it into a big drama.

Sorry for epic post but you just don't seem to 'get' it and you are only going to end up hurting yourself and everyone around you.