Please help me stop being bitter by a lack of support

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I am so disapointed by the lack of support. We live in a different city to our families and don't have any help. I am going between anger and tears when I think about the last few months and I need to let this poison go.

I have been working full time, communting 3+ hours a day whilst my 6yo goes to before and after school club. OH had an operation about 3 weeks ago and so I have needed to drop off and pick up on top of everything else.

A stupid parent I don't know stopped me in the street last week to tell me how sorry she felt for my 6yo as he is being dragged out of the house in the early morning. Her lovely little girl was with her and so I just said a lame 'aren't we all just trying to do our best?'. I feel so guilty and tired. I don't have it all; I'm doing it all.

I asked my parents for help and they said they would if I lived nearer. I last spoke to them 2 weeks ago when they rang to tell me how tired they were after looking after my sister's kids. I told them I was hurt and frustrated by their lack of support and that this was insenstive. OH's parents are coming over Easter and I feel so bitter. Nether set of parents have helped and so I can't be fecked having them as visitors.

I am quite blunt but feel ready to explode - I understand this is unfair.

I now have a break and can't understand why, more than ever, I feel so hurt and frustrated. We are now over the worst and I should be enjoying time off with my lovely family and friends. I want to get to a point that I can let insensitive comments aside.

The situation isn't going to get better. They aren't going to change and I need to change how I feel about this. Has anyone been able to put negative feeings aside?

[cjel]

I don't think your problem is as much that they did or didn't help, it sounds as if you are just completely drained and didn't want one more thing added to your list of pressure. What a treasure you neighbour sounds perhaps she should have a word with the woman over the road!!!! Don't suppose you could adopt her as a granny? Hope you have a lovely breakxx

[BangOn]

i can sympathise. my inlaws... well it's not so much that theu don't help with the dcs. i could cope with that. it's that they don't seem to care; they don't seem to feel anything very deeply. when we do spend time with them, it all feels so stage-managed, the kids can't relax & neither csn anyone else. there's no joy or spontenity about my pils. my parents live miles away & help sometimes, strictly on their own terms. i remember my paternal grandmother as selfless towards her many, many grandchildren - maybe i'm holding the dcs up to an impossible standard, i don't know. my parents & pils are of thr baby boom generation - they expect different things from the pre-war generation, perhaps.

[simplesusan]

I think you have to focuss on yourself and your immediate family.
Accept that you will get little help. It is unfair, of course it is.

I would reccommend yoga, seriously if you can get to a class, however sparodic. if not get a dvd, though not the same as going out to a class. It really does help to put positive thoughts in your head as well as helping you keep in shape.

Good look with taking control of your life.

[flaminhoopsaloolah]

Enjoy your afternoon, Angela!

[pollypandemonium]

So they came round and you gave them what you had in plus the neighboirs dish. I don't understand why you feel so resentful about not helping you in the past. I don't undeestand your unwillingness to geive and to share regardless of what you get back. I think you are setting this relationship up to fail

[pollypandemonium]

Excuse typos x 3!

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Polly, I get that you don't understand and it is hard for me to articulate. This isn't about one day/ visit. I will feel better to conduct an adult relationship on my own terms. I don't believe that our parents deserve deferential respect.

flaminhoopsaloolah It was fab; a nice relaxing and restful day with loads of laughs = complete opposite from yesterday and much needed.

simplesusan, CurrerBell recommended 'Buddhism for Mothers' and it looks like it may be worth a read. I am starting my Shred DVD and walking tomorrow in eth hope It will help me sleep and help with replacing negative with the positive

BangOn I take from this a lesson in how not to be a GP.

Cjel You make a good point, I should celebrate my lovely neighbour and dismiss the negative mother and HER issues.

I'm going to watch a film with my other half so and all around.

[flaminhoopsaloolah]

Good for you, Angela. At the end of the day you're there for your immediate family and you need to do (in a respectful manner, of course) whatever it is you need to do to protect your sense of wellbeing too: you're no good to anyone if you're ragged, exhausted and a few steps away from completely kaput.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I'm aiming for assertive rather than combative. I do need to say how I feel before I move on.

I may even ask for something specific help such as asking them to stay with ds whilst DH and I go for lunch. I may not mind preparing a feast in that circumstance. If they don't want to look after ds, at least it's out in the open. I have plenty of time to think before the next visit.

[springyhippychick]

I think the early years of a marriage - or, at least, when the kids are growing up, careers are getting properly established, money pressures etc - are hard and I do think it's the responsibility of family to step up if they can. All round, that is ie all helping all if it's needed.

imo they let you down and I'm not surprised you've been apoplectic. I also think that if you get into a state like that then it's not for no reason - I don't think giving yourself a good talking-to is the answer (re 'I'm a grown woman!'). YOu were very upset and that is very probably for good reason, not least you were so tired.

It has also precipitated a major shift in you re your ILs (and parents). Maybe that had to come, you had to reach this painful and uncomfortable position in order to make that fundamental shift.

I tell you what, thank goodness for that fabulous neighbour! How FAB of her to step up and do the decent thing/precisely what you want and need. Bless her!

[pollypandemonium]

You never know Angela they may really want to help you but don't know how to do approach you about it. You do come across as being slightly over-assertive and I'm not sure I would want to help you out in case I got it wrong!

Be careful HOW you tell them how you feel - I am concerned that you will just offend them. It depends on the type of people they are - do you think they will think you are 'being a right madam' or do you think they will say 'oh I had no idea I'm so sorry what do you want me to do first'?

What are you going to tell them?

[springyhippychick]

polly. You sound like Pollyanna! apart from towards the OP, that is.

I don't think the OP sounds 'a right madam' or 'over-assertive' at all. She posted because she couldn't stop sobbing and was at cracking point. imo this was the urgency of her posts, the desperation.

imo you are barking up the wrong tree. Her ILs don't sound for a minute like they'd say 'oh I had no idea I'm so sorry' etc.

[pollypandemonium]

I don't think she sounds like a 'right madam' but her inlaws might - I was suggesting that how she responds them should take into account the type of people they are and what their reaction to her may be. I also suggested that they may react completely differently and really want to help her.

My in-laws don't 'get' me at all and I know they never will, so I just play the game. If I tell them 'how I feel' it will just upset everyone and cause conflict and nobody will gain. They are just a bit... set in their ways (to put it politely).

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

Pollypandemonium - what I am seeing in your posts is that to you the relationship between PiL & DiL has to be maintained at all costs. Even if no effort is being made by the PiL.

I dont understand this. Surely a relationship requires effort on both sides? The PiL have no 'rights' in this situation. They cant sit by and watch their DS and DiL struggle then expect to be treated to a holiday visit with Angela as smiling hostess.

[cjel]

I think asking for small but specific help - like staying with ds while you have a meal out is a great idea. Like you say you will then get an idea of whether they want to help but don't know what to do or whether they don't want to do anything. Do you think putting it out there early - ie. ask now for ages away and get the feel for what the response may be? rather than spring a surprise nearer the time, I mean perhaps give them time to get used to the idea?

[AngelaMartinLipton]

springyhippychick My neighbour is very opinionated and you never know what she is going to say (I like her very much). I was wary about what she was going to say; this small kindness was timed to perfection. I'm going to make a card with ds and take flowers over.

Polly our ils sound quite similar. The difference is I have changed the rules of game. I don't care if they think I'm 'a right madam' and I'm not interested in having an unequal relationship. We are all adults and I deserve the same consideration they expect for themselves. They haven't helped and I don't really expect that to change; this is the elephant in the room.

If my ds was in hospital I would visit him. When DH's DF was in hospital overnight last year, DH drove up to see him that weekend. DH cut the grass and took a bit of shopping/some curry I made. I asked for help in either picking ds up from school or DH from hospital. I'm not expecting them to pick a day to do the school run or commit to babysitting once a month.

I'm not going to go in all guns blazing. I will say something like 'I've found things things difficult and I'm feeling hurt you didn't help'. I think they will say one of two things:

• If you lived closer we'd help. My response will be: 'We would love to move closer to home but we need to live where we can find work. If we came up for the day, would you look after ds so we can go to the cinema/whatever?'
  
• We don't know how to help. 'DS finishes school early at the end of term. Would you pick him and look after him so we can work late?' Or, I will ask what do you think you could do?

[Bedtime1]

Glad it went Okay.

'I've found things things difficult and I'm feeling hurt you didn't help'.
I know what you mean about not going in all guns blazing but saying the comment about "you didn't help" they will immediately be on the defence . Your still focusing your energies on them helping you and your angry about this understandably but this will not bode well for a civilised conversation right now with them. Focus on getting help elsewhere if you need it. You'll feel more in control because you will have your life sorted out and wont feel you need to rely on anybody to help with your son. Therefore if they help they help, if not then it won't affect your day to day life. Maybe try having a heart to heart when you have calmed down and are not so angry.
If your looking for love, support etc which Is understandable that you want this from family but if they aren't forthcoming then it will always be fake. Focus on the people that will Say kind words to you.

[Bedtime1]

I know it hurts very much when family aren't acting in the way you see a family should be, but how can you change them? They are who they are sadly and sadly that's true for many of us. I wish I had supportive parents too. it is hard to come to terms with when others have that and you don't. But just remember all families have there troubles and not every single member will get along.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

While it is just the way some parents are, IME they will have the people they help and the people they ask for help from. We have seen this at first hand.

I wouldnt be surprised to find that in the years to come it will be Angela that the DParents and DPiL turn to for help. This will be justified on the grounds that a) they were always there for them when the DGCs were little (forgetting that they were only there for some of the DGCs) and b) 'Angela just seems to be able to cope so well'.

[pollypandemonium]

I think you should also tell them about your wonderful adopted granny next door. It might spur them on a bit if you seem less needy and knowing that there may be competition.

Also remind them (in a roundabout subtle way!) that it is a privilege to be asked to look after someone else's children. It really is.

Use adopted granny more - she sounds perfect!

[AngelaMartinLipton]

If I don't say anything, I'm letting them off the hook. It isn't about changing the situation. How can I say how I feel without putting them on the defensive?

Next door lady is in her 90s and not so good on her feet.

I won't be helping. I'll contribute to whatever my siblings sorry out. DJ can sort his own folks out with his family.

[NothingsLeft]

I think there is nothing wrong in being honest about how you feel. It has the potential for defensiveness but that is their issue and you do not have to manage their response. The normal response to 'I felt hurt when you did X' is to apologise or at least recognise someone else's pain. Whether you agree with the cause is a separate issue.

I spelt out my feelings with both sets of parents because I felt it unfair to change our relationship without them understanding why.

Mine were silent, agreed I had a point but haven't changed. MIL had been worried about interfering and treading on people's toes. I explained there are no toes to tread on, she has been far more supportive. Our relationship has improved massively as a result.

I completely agree with worry which is why it will be useful to be clear now. There will be lots of times you need to put the new 'rules' in place.

Having been too busy to see us for six weeks, my parents want to crash our day out for DS first birthday. I have been able to say a firm no without feeling bad. It's no ok with me to play happy families when it suits them and I am starting as I mean to go on

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Stating how I feel is a way of marking the change.

Things can't get any worse. If they stay the same, I won't be any worse off. If anything improves great.

[NothingsLeft]

Totally agree. Good luck with it. Pleased you're feeling better