Please help me stop being bitter by a lack of support

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I am so disapointed by the lack of support. We live in a different city to our families and don't have any help. I am going between anger and tears when I think about the last few months and I need to let this poison go.

I have been working full time, communting 3+ hours a day whilst my 6yo goes to before and after school club. OH had an operation about 3 weeks ago and so I have needed to drop off and pick up on top of everything else.

A stupid parent I don't know stopped me in the street last week to tell me how sorry she felt for my 6yo as he is being dragged out of the house in the early morning. Her lovely little girl was with her and so I just said a lame 'aren't we all just trying to do our best?'. I feel so guilty and tired. I don't have it all; I'm doing it all.

I asked my parents for help and they said they would if I lived nearer. I last spoke to them 2 weeks ago when they rang to tell me how tired they were after looking after my sister's kids. I told them I was hurt and frustrated by their lack of support and that this was insenstive. OH's parents are coming over Easter and I feel so bitter. Nether set of parents have helped and so I can't be fecked having them as visitors.

I am quite blunt but feel ready to explode - I understand this is unfair.

I now have a break and can't understand why, more than ever, I feel so hurt and frustrated. We are now over the worst and I should be enjoying time off with my lovely family and friends. I want to get to a point that I can let insensitive comments aside.

The situation isn't going to get better. They aren't going to change and I need to change how I feel about this. Has anyone been able to put negative feeings aside?

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Mning on my phone isn't going well. Sorry.

To recap I have two arranged sleepovers over the next two weeks. Ds deserves a treat and his friends are lovely. At least one well be reciprocated in May.

[Bedtime1]

Angela sounding so much happier ! Well done you. If they don't like it they can lump it.
I think you taking control will make you feel so much better and empowered that you don't feel you have to rely on them. Then in future you don't have to do much for them In return. Next time they visit make sure it's a day you have chosen or if your husband insists on a day they want then you will have to be already engaged so he will have to see to them. Taking that control back and choosing your day things like this I think will make you feel a better! Good luck today. Lets us know how you get on . Keep calm and carry on

[Kat101]

Let us know how it goes. My ILs don't like my food because we have to buy basics brand, they like waitrose finest or m+s. They insist on going to the chinese takeaway. It couldn't worry me less tbh - their stomachs, their money, their choice. If they decided not to visit because we can't meet their specific tastes well that would be their choice too. They are not paying guests so tough!

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Glad that's over with. It was like Christmas with clothes, chocolate and toys. Ds would rather see them. I'm sad for him.

I didn't have any deep conversations because ds was about. I've been blunt about about how I feel without being rude. For my family that it the best thing.

I'm responsible for my own family. I'm going to concentrate on what's best for them and for me. I hope I can leave this negativity behind.

[happyon]

I know lots of posters will tell you you're selfish for expecting parents to help, but I understand. My parents live abroad but will drop anything to help if we need them and I hope to be the same for my children. This is family we are talking about, we are meant to help each other, aren't we? Living in a place full of expats, I've got used to lots of us acting as though we are family and it feels entirely normal to me that people who care about each other, help each other out. I'm glad my children are growing up to expect close family and friends to pitch in when necessary.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I think our parents should help out and I know this is an unpopular view on mn.

I agree that my family are my responsibility. However, both sets of parents had a lot of family support and had babysitting on tap. I needed help with childcare whilst my oh was in hospital and recovering. Like everyone else we have had tough times over the past few years. I'm gutted that they wouldn't help and it has spoilt things. I can't feel the same about them.

I am hoping I won't always feel so hurt and betrayed. Acting differently will hopefully help this process.

[pollypandemonium]

You shouldn't be feeling betrayed because someone can't help you out. You are overloading this with significance when actually what's happened is that you are exhausted through your own choice of having a big mortgage and choosing to commute and work long hours.

If you want childcare and an easier life move in with your parents/inlaws or closer to them - take a lower mortgage if need be but please don't complain in this way as you are feeding your own hostility and probably destroying a very important relationship.

Stop and take a re-read of your posts. You sound angry and unsympathetic, eg.

They could have taken DH out for lunch whilst he was house bound.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

They could have helped but at the time they chose not to. Sadly I suspect that they have already written this off. The worst part of this is when in their heads they have helped god knows how.

My DM was very good at collectivising her help so that helping out one of her DCs was helping out us all.

This sort of thing does change the dynamic. I am guessing that in the years to come you will be less available. The period over which you need help is in fact very short but in that time the need is acute. There will be months and years to come when they would like help. I will understand if you are a bit grudging with that help.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

We will agree to disagree. I haven't got a huge mortgage and don't live on a different continent. It takes me longer to get to work than it would for them to get here.

I think asking for help once in six years isn't too much to ask. Help and support has been one way street from us to them. Now I understand that help will never be forthcoming, I can move on and act differently. If this relationship is important to them, it hasn't been made obvious.

I'm not sure what sympathy they need. I cannot empathise; I am a different type of parent. I can't imagine not helping my ds or his cousins. If they need help - even when they are adults, I will be there and so would my oh.

I am angry because they are only happy to visit when it suits them. They COULD have visited when my DH in hospital or at home poorly. They didn't want to because they wanted a hot meal and to be waited on.

This visit was ill timed and my OH should have put them off for a few days.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I actually do feel less upset now they have gone. I think deciding to distance myself has helped. To keep giving in such an unequal relationship would be intolerable.

My DH can of course arrange visits and I will be hospitable and polite. We can disagree and get along. I won't be facilitating arrangements. I have made it clear that HE is responsible for making sure ds sees his folks.

[pollypandemonium]

If they didn't think the relationship was important they wouldn't have come to visit you at all. I think you should be grateful that they are interested. We haven't had a MIL visit for 10 years despite numerous requests. DM too old to help and even when younger it was occasional babysitting if we gave her lift there and back. Actually that's a more common scenario than the over-involved GPs. You are being very unreasonable and you should reflect on your motives as there must be more behind it than you are alluding to. You are setting up a conflict between DH and his family simply because you think they have a duty to help you. You are entitled and arrogant. Sorry.

[nailak]

I also think that your lifestyle is your choice. Buying a house was a choice you made with the knowledge of the financial burden this carries. You chose to buy a house an hour and a hlaf away from where you work. If you live an hour away from family you cannot expect as much support as if you live nearer.

However I do think in times of crisis families should support each other, and they were wrong for not doing so.

[pollypandemonium]

I don't think your inlaws need sympathy or empathy from you - just respect. You need to respect that they have their life and are content with it the way it is for now. You need to give them the benefit of the doubt that your time may come later - perhaps when the children are older or if you live closer to them. But if you create conflict now you will simply destroy any chance you had with them. I think you are exhausted and you need to calm down before you create a real problem that will be very hard to fix.

[flaminhoopsaloolah]

Just to clarify: you're exhausted and have had extenuating circumstances lately. You have asked for help but have recieved none. Your PILs help out teir other children, but never you and OH. They came over to your house (an I right in thinking you weren't asked about this before the arrangements were made?) on their terms?

On page one of this thread you got ehat i feel is sone great advice: basically if it doesnt fit into your life dont do it. I feel a lot of this problem might be avoided in future if you set the terms concerning your life and your family rather than letting someone who isnt in your daily life set the terms for you. In this case I get the feeling that there was no negotiation on what would work for everyone and you just had to go aling with what everyone else wanted. Is that correct?

As for comparasins of what other people have to/dont have to deal with - that serms a bit irrelevant really. Everyone has their own personal limits in what they do and dont find accrptable/managable - yoh sound very at your limit. Whetjer you're an SAHM, PTWM,FTWM...whatever...everyone has there own personal physical, mental, emitional, situational circumstances and being aware of what you can ans can't do andrespectfully setting limits is perfectly acceptable IMHO. Boundaries are important - sounds to me everyone else has theirs firmly in place: where are yours?

I feel if you do that you'll feel more in control and less resentful.

[Kat101]

Oh my goodness, I am going to print out this thread as a lot of it is so relevant to the way I feel about my ILs. FWIW I think the gp's should really have helped - their son was in hospital, not off on a jolly and their DIL and beloved GC's needed them.

Loolah has it spot on.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

I do understand that they are entitled to have different opinions and to live their life as they want. I moved here after a long and fruitless job search. I totally agree that the situation I am in is of my making.

This isn't a general complaint about a lack of babysitting, picking up ds from school, stepping in when school has unexpectedly closed or ds is ill. I understand distance makes contact harder and that it is logistically easier to give suport to our siblings and their children. It is unfair of them to provide support to the rest of the family and none to mine.

I have realised that if they will not help over the last difficult month, they won't ever and I need to base my future decisions on that. My question is how I can stop feeling negatively and move on;I have decided to stop expecting them to behave differently and to behave differently myself.

Both sets of parents are wrong not to have helped when we needed support and immediately expect us to host a lovely visit because it will make a nice start to the Easter weekend for them. They only want to visit when it suits them AND when there is something in it for them. I will not enable this behaviour anymore. I will support my OH in whatever relationship he wants to to foster; I will not manage contact.

Respect, interest and co-operation should be something families and friends are prepared to do for each other and it can't be all one way. Deferential regard because they are parents and I am their (adult) child is not something I am prepared to do.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Loolah you are correct. I am upset because this visit was arranged at the last minute outside my control. My OH had the best of intentions in arranging for my DS to see his (uninterested) gps. I finished work on Good Friday, the house was a tip and we had no food in. A few days to get up to date before would have been appreciated and I made this clear.

ILs like to have 2-3 weeks notice if we visit. I feel they should expect the same of themselves. I should be able to say that a visit does not suit and arrange a mutually agreeable time. We are not children; we are all adults and deserve the same respect and consideration. I will feel better to be in control.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

The sad thing is that in your PiLs' heads they probably think they are helping out. They are helping out your OH's siblings and if they are anything like my DM they see that as being their grandparental duty satisfied. My DM would help out my DB and see the visits to us (we lived abroad and paid for her to visit regularly) as her well earned holiday. In a week's stay she might babysit one evening but that was grudgingly done and accompanied by much sighing.

Slightly bonkers and illogical but true.

Your need for help was acute but they closed their eyes to that. I understand how hurt you feel. In your shoes I would step back. You can say 'no' to a visit. This shouldnt just be about your OH playing happy families and being the perfect host.

[CurrerBell]

Angela, I could almost have written your OP. I don't have family support of my own (my dad is dead, mum has remarried and lives five hours away, and she only visit on her own terms...). However we only live about 20 mins from my ILs - we actually moved to this area to be close to them when DS was a baby - thinking that our DCs could grow up close to at least one set of grandparents. It hasn't really brought us closer. They have SIL's children one day a week while she works (fair enough - I don't work so I don't begrudge her the help at all). But what grates is that they hardly ever contact us, never seem to ask about our kids or even particularly want to see them. My eldest has been diagnosed with Asperger's; I've had my own health issues, and we've been going through some major stresses in recent months. They know this because SIL and DH have both tried to tell them; yet they have never even rung to ask how we are.

Knowing their limitations, I'm not expecting help as such, but just a tiny bit of moral support, an acknowledgement - and mainly, I would just like to know that our kids have their grandparents' support. I came close to having a breakdown recently but nothing seems to make any difference. It's really changed how I see them, and stopped me wanting to make an effort. Ironically I was the one who tried to push DH to be closer to his parents and move down here!

I've been too scared of starting my own thread in case I get flamed. I do understand exactly what you're saying though - the bitterness is so corrosive and it takes a lot of energy and strength away from what we need to do to support our families. I think anger just ends up hurting ourselves.

I don't want to feel bitter. They are not bad people; they are just oblivious. Ultimately they are the ones missing out on having a relationship with their grandchildren, but I don't think they can see that.

Have you ever read 'Buddhism for Mothers'? I'm not a religious or particularly spiritual person but I read it a couple of years ago and it really, really helped in terms of letting things go and finding a different perspective. I need to re-read it but ironically I have been too angry!

[CurrerBell]

PS Sorry that was a very 'me, me, me' post and probably not very helpful!

I just re-read your latest post and you sound like you are making positive steps to detach yourself from the hurt. You are understandably feeling very let down and this has made you reassess the way you see your ILs and your future expectations. I don't know what the answer is to how to start feeling better, but I think this is the first step. I hope the visit goes as well as can be expected and you can rise above their negativity, knowing you will get a proper rest soon.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

I wonder if sometimes the GPs in these situations (routinely helping out with one set of GCs but not helping at all with the others) are thinking that they have done 'their bit' with the ones they help regularly and are thinking that they dont want to add another routine of helping out.

What they are oblivious to is that this extra cry for help is a one off. This isnt going to turn into a routine. At that moment a week of babysitting or whatever would be a godsend. All they are thinking is that they dont want to get dragged into doing something all the time.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

WorrySighWorrySigh - Both sets of parents see a visit here as a lovely treat to get a break away. IMHO boths sets have avoided getting in contact. The point of my parents talking about how busy they are with my dsis's DC, was probably to preemptively ward off requests for help. They all feel like they are doing their bit; they fail to realise how uneven their support is. The unfairness of it all is destructive.

I worry so much that my only child will have no support in the future. If both sets of parents limit their support to his cousins, what is left for him? THEY need to foster a relationship with their gc; it isn't just down to us. They are uninterested/too busy now; he will grow up not knowing them. He is too little to understand the blantant favouritism that exisits and I hope this is always the case. They can't expect a good relationship to appear from nowhere at a mystical future date.

CurrerBell your posts have been insightful and articulate a lot of my own feelings (better than I have). I think Chapter 4 - dealing with anger would be a good place to start (it wasn't available on the preview )

Moral support and acknowledgement would normally be enough. To be turned down when I really needed help is deeply hurtful and for me a turning point.

The visit went okish. I was unmoved by their complaints about concentrated fruit juice/unappealing menu. I said we only had enough shopping in for the weekend and we were using what we had in.

[flaminhoopsaloolah]

OP - in your answer to me I think lies the answer to your problem: you feel they should feel they have to treat others as they expect to be treated. This seems to be the opposite of how they operate.

If you do not accept them for who they are and take control and set the boundaries for them you will continue to feel resentful and bitter - which doesnt hurt them, it hurts you and your immediate relationships around you.

Dont let them get to you. Accept, put in measures to taje control of your sude of the relationship - politely, respectfully. Youll feel so much bettter for it, I think

[AngelaMartinLipton]

flaminhoopsaloolah I agree. I need to be in control of my side of the relationship and accept that I don't have control over how they behave.

For me to do this I need to explicitly say how disappointed I have been by their lack of support. I can then hopefully move on; they can re-write their own history of these events as they see fit.

[AngelaMartinLipton]

Dinner is prepped and in the oven. I've changed the bed, had a shower, put fresh pjs on and am going to nap and read my kindle. Oh had a nice lie in and is watching a film with our ds.
and happy Easter to all. I'm serious about relaxing.