Was this bad? I feel I've no right to complain but I want to get it straight in my mind *warning trigger*

[MaryHollyberry]

TRIGGER WARNING
I need some advice on how to think about this. I don't really know what to think, and I haven't talked about this to anyone.

Last summer I had a brief relationship with a married man. I know it was wrong. I fell deeply in love with him, and when he ended things it was very difficult.

The affair was v physical and he was very dominant and aggressive sexually - something we both enjoyed. We had a LOT of sex - six or seven times a day when we were together. There was a safe word. I said the safe word once, when we had been having sex all day and all night, and I was very very sore. He paused, and asked me if I was sure, and then I said ok, carry on. But it hurt. I was so sore the next day.

A couple of times (and possibly that time as well, it's all mixed up in my head) he used to wake me up when I was asleep by penetrating me.

Once, we were somewhere, and I told him that I didn't want to have sex. I said that I would lie in the bed with him, but I wouldn't have sex with him. About fifteen minutes later, he pushed me onto my stomach, and penetrated me, even though I said no again, and whispered to me 'if I want to fuck you, I'll fuck you. Do you understand?'

The really confusing part is that I enjoyed the sex that night in the end, but I had said no. I just don't know what or how to think about it all. I haven't told anyone, even my therapist, because I suppose I'm afraid. And I suppose I don't think I have any reason to complain, given that I was engaged in something that was wrong to begin with.

But I feel so uneasy about it. My mouth is dry as I'm writing this. I don't really know what I'm asking for in terms of responses. Maybe I just needed to write it down. Sorry if this has upset anyone. I'm trying to figure out what led me to go into that relationship, hence the counselling.

I really think you should try to talk to your counsellor about it.

It will be difficult saying it out loud the first time, but you only have to make that leap once, then it's done, and you can get on with dealing with the complex feelings you are having.

I am sorry you have had to go through this.

Enjoying sex that involves one person being in control and having power does not give him permission to 'fuck' you whenever he wants to. He sounds like a vile bastard, and I'm so sorry you went through this.

Do speak to your therapist about what has happened. Speaking about something traumatic for the first time is hard, but worth doing, so you can process it.

Do not feel like you have no reason to complain. This was not your fault.

Sorry, OP, don't have any constructive advice; you were used very badly by this man. He probably only has vanilla or no sex with his W.

You must have known that he was into BDSM; why else would you have had a safe word?

Could be doing this with other women; did you protect yourself against STI's?

You have every right to complain. Your body, your choice. The fact that you consented to sex with this man on other occasions did not give him the right to 'help himself' to your body while you slept - nor when you had not consented.

I am a rape survivor and the man who raped me also undressed me while I slept and started to have sex with me. You are not alone.

He sounds very controlling and aggressive. Very much on a power trip. (This is generally what rapists are like - it is about power, not sex.) You say you we're deeply in love with him but it does not sound as though he cherished or nurtured you (though I realise this is just a single post about one aspect of the relationship.)

Re: enjoying the sex after saying no - our bodies respond a certain way to certain physical stimuli and feeling guilt for the way our bodies felt/responded/behaved after abuse is also common. (It does not mean you secretly wanted it to happen.)

You say you still loved him afterwards - I wonder whether you hoped you could turn him into a loving, caring man? I was desperate for the man who raped me to ask to see me again (not that I wanted to), because that would mean that what happened was 'normal' and just a bit aggressive and not actually rape (which I always knew - even at the time - that it was).

I found Rape Crisis (Yellow Pages) great in the immediate aftermath - safe and anonymous to call and chat and get some perspective.

You could put it to one side, but as a counsellor once told me: "you can bury this alive, or you can bury it dead - but if you bury it alive it will keep surfacing..." There is help available. Don't let this bastard screw you over any more - you are worth so much more.

I'm so sorry.

jynier did you mean your post to read as though I was asking for it? Or am I being over-sensitive because part of me worries that I am at least partly to blame.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

He sounds a lot like an ex of mine, scarily so. He prayed on the fact that I had no self esteem and I valued myself so little. When I look back now I can't believe that I allowed myself to be used and degraded by him. I tried to justify his behaviour because he was ex Army and had a lot of issues relating to that.

This is not your fault. The fact that your body responded to the sex means nothing. You said no, and he raped you.

Defiantly tell your counsellor. And come on here if you need support. It must be quite traumatic for you to relive all that again tonight, I hope you are okay

jynier The fact that the OP knew he was into BDSM doesn't mean anything. He raped her. That has nothing to do with the previous consensual BDSM sex they had.

OP he sounds vile. Hope you are ok after writing about this?

Please consider telling your counsellor. You are not blethering on, talking about stuff that hurts is what counselling is all about snd your counsellor will know that this takes time. She will not think badly of you - I certainly don't.

happygirl thanks for your post. I've read it a good few times and it is really helpful. Esp re physical and emotional responses etc.

This was one side to the relationship - not the only one - and he certainly could be loving and caring towards me. He's a complicated abd difficult personality - for all of his appeal - and I'm realising that I've had a very lucky escape. Control and power definitely featured - he was previously in what amounts to a position of trust in relation to me, although that had ended by the time the affair began.

I'm going to try and talk to my therapist about it at our next appointment. Looks like I might have to book another whole set of appointments.

All the stuff about him being married and you having a BDSM relationship is tumbleweed OP.

He raped you and he is a rapist.

Please talk to your counsellor about it. But also consider talking to people who specialise in counselling rape survivors. Give Rape Crisis a ring. They won't pressurise you into doing anything and they won't be interested in the context. All they will care about is that a man had sex without your consent and that you're suffering because of it.

Feeling a bit numb. This is the first time I've brought all of this outside my head, so to speak. Not sure how it'll be to actually say it out loud.

Doing it on the phone first of all to Rape Crisis might be easier than saying it out loud to your counsellor. Think of it as a practice run, but work towards telling her.

OP - No, no, no!!! I certainly did not mean that you asked for it; he used you and abused you for his own gratification and did not care about you!

Sorry if my comments gave offence.

Yes, talk to your counsellor about it - the physical signs you are feeling show that this needs to be dealt with.

I don't know anything really about the BDSM scene, but I understand that in these scenarios it is very, very important for the "safe word" to be respected, because if it's not done in an atmosphere of trust and respecting limits, then it starts to tip over into abuse. Your experience crossed that boundary on several occasions. Because you enjoyed being on the boundary (as lots of people do), you're feeling confused now. But being on the boundary is only really enjoyable when you know deep down that it won't be crossed. You needed to feel safe and you weren't safe with him, and that is a terrible betrayal.

If you can't say it out loud, can you print out your post and bring it with you to your appointment?

OP why don't you tell your counsellor that you have something big to tell her but you are afraid to? She will be able to help you through it.

Or like nickname says, just print off your posts from here.

Nickname beat me to it - in a BDSM encounter, the appropriate response to hearing the 'safe word' is to stop. Straight away. Not to say 'are you sure' and persuade/guilt the partner into carrying on. Doesn't sound like it's BDSM 'games' you were participating in, more like abusive sex being done on you. Please don't feel ashamed or responsible.

Please tell your counsellor or as others have said, print this out and show them. I hope the advice you have received on here has helped you too.

I was in a remarkably similar situation some years ago - a fling with a man who enjoyed BDSM and what I realise now, tipped over into proper nasty woman-hating humiliation and abuse. After I ended our 'relationship', I discovered he'd filmed me without my consent and shared it with his friends and that he'd hospitalised another woman (who reported to the police, but then refused to press charges) after beating her up and raping her whilst she was semi-conscious. He was pure evil.

To this day, I thank my lucky stars I got out when I did.

Persevere with the counselling, I hope you find some peace.

Thanks everyone. Just checked back in today after being at work.

Feeling very vulnerable and frightened by all of this, so I think I might ask for the thread to be deleted. Thanks to everyone for kind words and advice, and especially to those who shared their own stories. I think I have a very jaded attitude towards human behaviour: I don't generally take things as black or white, and I'm much more used to dealing in grey areas. Which is maybe how I got into this mess in the first place and why I am finding it hard to be definitive about what happened. Or maybe there is no definition to be had: it was a messy relationship, which had some love in it, which was going to some dark and dangerous places, and it's merely good fortune that it ended when it did. I don't know.

I'm going to try and talk to my counsellor about it in a couple of weeks, and in the meantime will do some more thinking about it all. She has told me that I am 'very articulate' with 'a high degree of psychological insight', but that doesn't seem to be doing me much good at the moment!

Thanks again

Hi again,
You've been on my mind today. Understand you wanting to delete the thread - it may be worth printing it out first, in case you want to refer to it in future? We are here to support, not to scare you though I appreciate it is a terrifying reality to get your head around.
Please take care. x

I think you do have a high degree of insight, thats what has given you the problem you have that, you thought you were in a loving relationship but deep down knew his behaviour wasn't right. ake car of yourself.x

OP - hope that you're ok? Why on earth did you become involved with such a -----?

I asked for one of my threads to be deleted; HQ said no!

I think the policy is that generally there has to be a reason for the thread to be deleted; the poster doesn't 'own' it, as it were. Maybe start another thread in Chat? That way it will disappear after 90 days.

I can understand you feeling vulnerable, OP, but I don't think it's the existence of this thread that poses that danger to you. I doubt anyone would be able to identify you specifically from this thread, and I can't imagine your former partner would be looking (easy for me to say I know, but I really can't see that he would). I think this is a more general fear that is coming to the surface now you are thinking this over. It's a very good thing that you will be leaving his work environment and will be further out of reach.

Jynier, the OP has said that he could be loving and caring towards her.

You asking why she became involved sounds a little like victim-blaming to
me.

Someone asked me the same about the man who raped me. I told them he wasn't wearing his 'I'm A Rapist' badge that day...

Thanks, Happygirl. I was thinking the same but worried I was being over-sensitive and defensive. If only we could all see into the future.

My ex raped me. You are not alone. It is not your fault. Please talk to your counsellor, you can work through this and get some peace