Just told him I'm leaving......

[mammadiggingdeep]

well, hoped I'd never be writing my own post like this :(

I have found he's cheated, pretty obvious and evidence too. He's denying even though it's clearly undeniable. Anyway, relationship was bad for a while so icing on the cake for me.

We are not married, been together 7 years, joint mortgage and 2 dc, 2years and one who is 8 months.

He is angry at the moment and is threatening all sorts.....selling house immediately, only dealing with access through solicitors etc. I wanted to keep it civil and reasonable.

What is the normal amount of access, I was thinking every other weekend and a night in week?? Isn't this usual? I'm main carer (do everything!!!), work 3 days but am on mat leave at moment. He works full time.

Please can you tell me what would happen if he did get solicitors involved??? Have any of you had similar experience of someone arguing about access before anythings even been sorted?!

[badinage]

It's very important that you stay resolved mamma, because once he works out that you mean business and he'll be required to parent his kids on his own for long periods in the future, I predict one of two likely responses. He'll either bolt completely and you won't see him for dust (especially if he's got someone else lined up) or he'll fake sorrow and contrition and try to persuade you to give it another go. You could probably cope with the first, monstrously unfair on you and the kids though that would be, but it would be a tragedy if you fell for the second.

Blokes who are this selfish and lazy at parenting rarely willingly look after their kids 50% of the time. They either contract it out to another woman (mum or OW) or they make a big show of seeing their kids for a few hours every now and then.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Depressingly cliched, sadly.

[mammadiggingdeep]

I think that it's going to be option number 2.....he does love them so much and I know that he really did want his kids to be raised in a family unit with mum and dad. Sadly, he just hasn't got it in him. I know that when he realises that I'm serious that he will start trying to win me around. I've been so sure and so strong but I am so sad my children won't see their daddy everyday- it's going to take all my resolve to stay firm.

Ideally I need no contact......

[badinage]

Well I wouldn't be so sure. If he had someone to go to, I think you'd find he'd put her before his kids every time.

But if he tries to persuade you to stay with him, be sure that it would be for the wrong reasons. It would be self-interest first and foremost: no solo parenting, a roof over his head and things done for him, finances intact and putting cynicism to one side for a minute, the opportunity to see his kids every day.

But what would be the deal for you? Solo parenting, constant and repeated infidelity, more workload, living with a liar, wasting your life away and the chance to meet someone better?

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Then there's the find someone new and expect her to look after the kids option.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Badinage.....that is precisely the situation. Omg....your words describe it exactly!!!!!!! The last part of your post is definately what's in store for me.....he hasn't got it in him to offer anything else. Thankyou so much- I'll be reading and re reading that post in my wobbly moments.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Tell you what, there's some wise, wise people about on here.......thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on t'net :)

[badinage]

Good.

Can I also pierce another myth?

You say he 'loves his kids' but as I was saying on another thread, love is a verb and so it's a 'doing' word. He hasn't 'done' love to you or the kids has he? It's easy to get all sentimental about 'love' but if someone doesn't act in a loving way, then it's all hot air.

Loving your kids means being there for them and doing the grotty things as well as the nice bits. He does none of that. Instead, he risked their happiness by fooling around and then threatening their mother when she wouldn't put up with it any more.

That really isn't love.

[mammadiggingdeep]

And there you go.....another bloody good point. Yes, you're right. I suppose people have different understandings of the word too....and not forgetting that some f#*ing idiots just love themselves far mire than they would ever be able to love anyone. Even their kids. Twunt. Feeling the anger kicking back in now.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Tell you what, there's some wise, wise people about on here.......thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on t'net

Largely from bitter, bitter experience!

The great thing about cliches is that it makes passing on hard learned lesson really much easier

[mammadiggingdeep]

:( sad to know others have been where I am. Even sadder to know I won't be the last. Any man puts either of my dd's through this on 30 years time will be relieved of his penis by me and a large pair of rusty gardening shears.

[badinage]

Funnily enough, any wisdom I've gained is probably because I've had such a rewarding marriage to a great man who has despite some difficult times, 'done' love so amazingly well. So it's easier to contrast that with the truly awful fucknuggetry that some people practise in the name of 'love'.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Pleased to hear that badinage :) my parents celebrated their 44th wedding anniversary in February. Still best friends and truly in love. They look after each other and genuinely think the other one is fantastic (most of the time!). They are my inspiration and my role model of how to love. Must keep them in my mind during any wobbly moments. The other day I let myself into their house when I went to visit....they were jiving in the kitchen with the radio turned full blast. Now that's the kinda relationship I want.....still jiving after 44 years :)

[mammadiggingdeep]

Am up at this hour with dd2. Sickness bug....3 changes of clothes in 3 hours, my bed changed, cot changed. Poor poppet. Am angry that I'm here alone looking after her because he'd rather invest time elsewhere than his family. Idiot. Good job she's got one parent who can fulfill their responsibilities. Grrrrrrrr.

[badinage]

Poor you

I'm up because DH is away atm and can't sleep, plus still recovering from chest infection that won't bloody go away.

[EggyFucker]

How you doing today, mamma ?

I've just been lurking so far because you are getting such brilliant advice and insights.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Hey EF....thanks for asking.

I woke up in quite a good mood and then got some texts from him.

First one said he didn't want to sell the house.
Then said he would continue to pay the mortgage in full whilst I'm still on mat leave.
Then came a text STILL denying everything. And....the corker...."I cannot stay in a relationship where I am continually scrutinized and monitored".......er 1) I ended it yesterday and 2) u cheated on me....how dare he try to turn it round to me 'monitoring and scrutinising'.

At the start of the texts I told him dd2 had been ill in night. He said he'd be round soon to see her. Because I didn't respond favorably to the protests of innocence....guess what???? Yes, you guessed it he didn't come to see her. Nice.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Classic wankery!! Re invent the truth to make himself look like a good guy!

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yep.....so the actual reason we're in this mess is because I am suspicious and always accusing. Perhaps if u didn't give me reason to I wouldn't ask you what the fuck you're up to?! Oh, I forgot. You want me to put up and shut up. No way buster.

[EggyFucker]

Indeed

"No way, buster" sums it up

If he is going to use your dc's to make a point, he is a shit of the highest order

[betterthanever]

You are doing really well - he sounds like he is not!
If possible I would reduce the communication with him as he is just floundering around trying to somehow justify this to himself. And it makes me chuckle this we are selling the house, we are not as if he gets to decide everything. But if he will pay the mortgage while you are still on maternity you get more time to decide what you need moving forward and I guess he realises if the house is reposessd because the mortgage is not being paid he loses out.
Keep strong, well done you.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Thanks better.....yes, the mortgage stuff is a relief as the whole finical stuff was my main stress yesterday.

Yes, the communication thing is going to be hard. I have a feeling he'll be trying to come and go as he pleases. I'll start to ignore the texts if they become too much. I need space.

Another day done. Am proud of myself.

[EggyFucker]

You should be

[mammadiggingdeep]

Thanks ladies- said it yesterday but will say again. Hurrah for mumsnet x

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Another day done. Am proud of myself

to you!