Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

[ConfusedCarol]

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

[TheFallenNinja]

Hmm, I guess most people come with some kind if baggage but this lad seems to have the whole shop.

I'd be inclined to ease away I think.

[stifnstav]

How many ex-con kids are we dealing with! And when did the wife die?

[stifnstav]

Yes Journey I admit to thinking there'll be a "he needs some financial help" thread soon.

[ConfusedCarol]

Thank you all for your input. Tbh you have really clarified what I was thinking myself hence the concern about chaotic lifestyle perhaps.

No I will meet him for lunch but he lives about 100 miles away so we will meet in the nearest big city halfway, have lunch and then go our separate ways. I will just say the chemistry isn't there for me and leave it at that with just email contact.

Maybe I am not valuing myself highly enough....he seems very nice and am sure he is but I must admit to being taken aback by all the issues there.

His wife lived six weeks after diagnosis and wanted to stay at home ...I am sure it must have been awful knowing what a relative of mine went through when so ill. But yes I am wary.....believe me when I say VERY wary...I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child so I won't just get involved with anyone. That in itself is enough to make me extra wary and want to listen to my inner voice which is saying "no way".

[ConfusedCarol]

Two of six children have had short prison sentences....wife does six years ago so they were young to mid teens then.

[ConfusedCarol]

No "he needs financial help" thread I promise....I am too skint

[Callisto]

Good grief no. The lack of job and car would be enough for me, without all of the emotional baggage as well. No way could I respect someone who hasn't worked for 20 years (and that goes for both sexes).

[Lovingfreedom]

You seem to know an awful lot of personal details about a man you haven't even met yet...does he take this much interest in your life?

[Goodadvice1980]

Hi OP,

Out of curiousity, did he say why he'd initiated contact with you again? I'd be thinking he was involved with someone who had now binned him off for whatever reason.

Has he ever worked? I have a little flag that he states he was always happy to have someone else drive him round.

Be careful, this has emotional vampire written all over it.

I hope you have a lovely lunch - but just don't get stuck with driving him home afterwards!!

[mmmuffins]

Involvement in this man's life sounds like it would bring quite a lot of drama. I don't know why you would invite this, especially if you have children.

And now you've mentioned he lives 100 miles away - so if he has no car and little money...can we guess who would end up doing all the travelling?

[Bitofadviceplease]

Why even waste time meeting him for lunch if you e already planned out that your telling him there's no connection?

Bit of a waste travelling 50 miles to meet half way, to probably for for both your lunches. Time & money wastage, I wouldn't bother. Plus not very fair on him making his way 50 miles to meet you if you've no intention of even taking the relationship further. Unless your totally honest upfront & just tell him you only want to be friends


I'd agree with what someone else said though, why has he only now got back in touch? Probably been ditched by someone else. Be wary'

[Blu]

Anyone can say anything in e mails. I would be extremely suspicious of so many sob story explanations for his current lifestyle. MN is full of women who have experienced terrible hardship and tragedy and are not languishing like this. It's not the lack of material wealth that would bother me but the story that you have no means of verifying.

It's possible that he has identified you as sympathetic and understanding, and is using you. You have had an instinctive reaction about this meet up, and I would say you instincts are serving you well.

What do you have to gain from a connection with someone who lives so far away?

Look very carefully for signs that he has flattered you by telling you 'all', made you feel special and close by doing that, stirred up the 'wobble' etc.

[ConfusedCarol]

No he wanted to meet before but I didn't. Yes I will be honest with him about my intentions just to meet for lunch and nothing more. End of....he wanted to travel all the way here but it's too much.

As I have promised to meet him for lunch then I will do that but ensure he knows up front that I can't do anything more than friendship.

[ConfusedCarol]

Okay folks, trying to compose an email....is the below okay...not too horrible is it?



Hi X

Wish I had a magic wand which would make things easier for both of us. Still if nothing else we can have lunch and a good chat.

I am going to be honest though and say that a relationship is going to be out of the question for me right now.....possibly for a good long while. That's just how things are for me and there are definitely reasons why I need to stay single...all my issues and family stuff.

Also I feel we are a good distance apart and although you are willing to travel it's going to be difficult for you financially. I appreciate and understand that ...hopefully there will be someone nearer to you in the future. I am tied to here though and you are still needed by your girls. It's great that you are there for them...I know how supportive my Dad has been over the years.

Is that okay? Do you still feel happy to meet up for lunch? I honestly won't mind if you don't to in the knowledge it can't go anywhere.

ConfusedCarol


What do you think? He wants to meet for lunch and I am happy to do that as a friend.

[Lovingfreedom]

So you're going to drag this poor fellow 50 miles out of his way by public transport to tell him you're not interested? Yeah right....If you're not interested in something more with him you might as well save him his bus fare.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Nope - no mention of magic wands. Suggests that if only boring practicality could be swept aside you would be rushing into his arms.

Do you really want to have lunch with him? Wouldn't it be easier to just say 'look I'm really not looking for a relationship right now, so let's knock this on the head'.
You are very likely to get the 'but I've spent £X on travel and lunch and now you're blowing me off' type response.

[akaemmafrost]

No I wouldn't.

[ConfusedCarol]

Nope I won't do that....you are right. The "I just can't so this right now so lets knock lunch on the head" email is better.

Sorry f I am being exasperating, this is all alien to me. God it's just so much easier being single than trying to negotiate all this. Feel bad as he was so pleased we'd arranged lunch but yes....you are all right.

[Trazzletoes]

Loving she's telling him in advance! It's up to him whether he then wants to travel for lunch.

I am also firmly on the side of giving him a wide berth.

I know people are saying his problems could happen to anyone but I would find it hard to enter a relationship with a man who has been out of work for 20 years. Ok so his children have needed extra attention for the past 6 years - I get that and don't begrudge them anything, of course. But IMO 20 years is a long time not to have an employment routine etc. I can be a bit of a cow so I'm sure someone can explain to me why I'm being unfair - and that's fine. I'm not saying I'm right. But it would be an issue for me.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Trazzles I completely agree.

[PureQuintessence]

No no no.

Just cancel and move on.

If he is in his fifites, he has not work since in his thirties. You say his wife died 6 years ago. He cant drive. He has not been able to raise his children well. Drugs and assault!

You would be mad to meet him.

Does he know where you live?

[DixieD]

No chance. The no job, no money, no car wouldn't bother me half as much as the chaotic home life. I would not want to be exposing myself or my family to another family of violent, druggie ex cons.
I wouldn't even pursue a friendship tbh, sounds like they may be very draining.

[elastamum]

I also wouldnt meet him. There are loads of red flags in everything he has told you, it wont go anywhere unless you are prepared to spend hours driving around for him. He will put emotional pressure on you. Why bother?

Take the money you would have spent on travel and lunch and go out with a girlfriend

[Lovingfreedom]

Traz I wrote that comment before I'd seen the draft email so yeah..take your point...but the email has a ring of 'the odds are stacked against us...let's fall in love' about it to me. If you want to do that OP then go for it...but just be prepared for lots of problems and not much cash coming your way!

[ConfusedCarol]

Have cancelled it....feel better but will talk it all over with my counsellor (past history of sexual abuse so find all this difficult). The deed is done though....too many red flags.you are all correct.