Anyone been here?

[leftfootrightfoot]

H has been ill with depression on and off all adult life. We have been married for 9 years and have young children. His depression has been bad this year, we have struggled "together" to keep everything going. He has now, out of nowhere just walked out on us. He said it was to give him space, that he had realised lots of stuff about himself during his counselling etc and that he had been much worse than he had let on and needed to get himself better. A week later it comes out he has another woman. Apparently they have only started to have feelings since we split the week before but have been friends as far as I can tell (secret kind of friends!) for 6 months ish? She is in a similar situation re mental health issues and also has children and a husband.

It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.

I am doing all the trying to get my house in order as it were so I can try and support the children (I'm a sahm) but when I actually think about "it" I am totally confused and tie myself up in knots

[leftfootrightfoot]

Oh yes, although i had to text him to ask to stay out of their triangel of revenge etc as I was getting involved by him saying what he wanted to do to his wife and my H and then I was getting harrassed from H to try and find out what was going on

[Lueji]

You could ask him in which grounds he would accept to divorce.

Otherwise, could you contact him only by e-mail or text messages and get some evidence of either adultery or unreasonable behaviour?

As for adultery, you have a corroborating witness - her husband.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

My solicitor advised that I put that if the divorce was uncontested I would pay it. If he contested the adultery he would have to pay half the costs. There are boxes to tick for this on the petition. She that usually the treat of having to pay meant that most men did not contest the adultery. She also felt that where adultery had occurred that it was usually much less hurtful that dragging up examples of unreasonable behaviour which can still be contested.

[leftfootrightfoot]

How do I prove it if he denies it, sol thought if he could deny it and I had no actual proof we could be wasting our time and money

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Left petition the divorce on the basis of adultery. You are still married currently so he is commiting adultery by having a relationship with the OW. Saves you spending ages thinking of unreasonable behaviour.

[leftfootrightfoot]

He is spending this money regardless of what I am going to say, he just needs to "tell me" I guess. His decisions from the day he left are based on his needs and his alone, coupled with a lot of naivety about how much it costs to run this home

[leftfootrightfoot]

I have seen one and its left that if I want to instruct her i need to contact her and petition for divorce. I'm assuming I need to do the details of his unacceptabel behaviour before i can petition

[DorisIsWaiting]

Can you get a solictors appt asap.

His savings as a married couple are your savings too. You should have some claim on them (particularly if you weren't allowed to build up money in your own name).

I think until you see the solicitor all discussions about finances should be off particularly if he is going to start spending money that should be coming to the DC (signing himself up for a more expensive place...)

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Let's hope H is considering this as well as his own issues, good luck talking with him.

[leftfootrightfoot]

My friend thinks he wil have found somewhere to rent with her

[leftfootrightfoot]

We have the added issue that we HE as DS had some issues when younger and we felt school was not the best option. I know I will prob need to work and for myself I am quite happy with that but for the DCs not so much as I am being forced to make a decision that may not be in their best interests because of him

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You sound calm and organised and there are posters here who can advise you on money and maintenance. I know you are currently a SAHM, had you considered going to work later on, it might be something H will come up with when discussing finances. Childcare would be an extra factor to consider.

[leftfootrightfoot]

Yep. He didn't move in with her he rented a room for a month. She is still in and out of her family home as I think her husband isn't happy with her taking the children from the family home and she is obv a bit more concerned about the kids than my H is about his

[issypiggle]

chat to csa and get that confirmed and sorted so he has to give you a set amount and then if he doesnt pay they sort it (i believe-someone might need to confirm), keep your savings account as emergency atm, and tell him for the time being he needs to help with the bills at home and the mortgage. work out how much he needs to give you for all of it tell him that needs to be in the joint account and then he can have the rest. just until more can be sorted. i'm sure his ow can bail him out if they are 'that intune' with each other

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

So where is his lady friend? You didn't throw him out, he jumped ship. He wasn't up front and honest, he took his sweet time about laying things on the line.

Catering and laundry now not up to his 5 star standard? Oh dear. Flexing his muscles and enjoying space rather less fun than he anticipated? Ditto.

[leftfootrightfoot]

i haven't worked out what I think I need from his wages, should I try and get that done today before the talk. Can he legally say "I will give you CSA amount", do one and spend all his savings, and if so what can I do to protect myself from that happening? At the moment we have sep savings, joint current account where his wages go into and all bills go out of with an available overdraft. I have now got a current acc of my won with Child Ben and Tax Cred going into but that aint going to pay my monthly bills and mortgage

[leftfootrightfoot]

I have replied asking if he has an electric copy of his calculations so I can see them before the chat

[issypiggle]

if hes adamant he wants to talk, meet in a public place, then you can both walk away. set ground rules for the talk, that he has to listen to your thoughts first before he starts dropping bombshells.

I would ask for his keys and for him to collect his stuff. but make sure you and the dcs are out when that happens and see if there is a friend that can pop in a house sit to make sure he does as he's asked.

don't go blaming yourself, you're the better person in this, you are still there for the dcs.

[leftfootrightfoot]

He did ask that first. He says its about money, he can't stay where he was its making him ill, he has committed to somewhere for next 6 months "it will stretch me" but he reckons I'll be allright

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

"How are you/the DCs?" would have been nice. See what he has to say. How many times will he say "I"? You don't have to just listen btw he can have the grace to give you airtime too.

[leftfootrightfoot]

God he has texted me, "I need to talk to you", think his meds are being swapped, here comes the fun. I have texted back saying if he is going to text "we need to talk" then he needs to add what we need to talk about on his text, or he needs to come and try to talk to me without a text. I don't need another bombshell looming on me all day

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Slow dawning is par for the course. What speeds up the process is making your new life as rewarding and interesting as possible. Do things that you want to do, make changes, (even be reckless & make a few mistakes), challenge yourself, enjoy the freedom of independence. It will all boost your confidence and self-esteem which, in turn, puts the ex's actions into perspective. You will find that, from time to time, something happens that reminds you of a past example and you will wonder 'why on earth did I put up with that?'

[leftfootrightfoot]

I know he had those feelings prev to that week, I think he prob didn't act on them until then but tbh it is immaterial as he betrayed me when he confided in her instead of me and kept their friendship secret however many months ago. I offered to try and work on things when he told me what "our" relationship probs are and he wasn't interested.

I know he has gone but I don't want to hate him so I am blaming myself, pathetic I know :( . I need to change the way I see him and not sure how I do that or whether it will just be a slow dawning of the crappy reality

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Roughly this time last year I felt just like you. Actually life is sooo much easier without him on the everyday front.
You are at the darkest moment right now and things will get better. Stuff will come out, you will read mumsnet and over time you will realise that you could not of prevented the affair and I suspect like me you will start to realise that you had been the one making the effort in the relationship all along. So yes we are 50:50 responsible for relationships, but often when things start to go wrong one individual works to repair and the other sits back let's it happen then uses it as an excuse.
Your RL friends don't have to choose sides though often the behaviour of one party means they spend more time with the other. But take all the support your friends are offering it certainly helped me.
You will survive and hopefully this time next year you will be like I am now looking back on what I have achieved and feeling proud of myself.
Good luck on your journey.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"a feeling I can't carry a family on my own."

You're already managing your family single-handed. Speaking as a single mum, it's really not so terrible. Like anything else it's not a bed of roses but at least all your decisions (good, bad and indifferent) are yours alone, you get a great deal of satisfaction from the accomplishment and - best of all - you don't have some idiot bloke dragging you into the dirt with their 'problems'.

So please don't think it's a terrible life. It's really not.