I really do give up.
Shes very controlling and a very definate narcist. Despite this we have an ok relationship... when its all going her way.
For the last few weeks shes been getting worse and worse.
Ive been getting daily phone calls nagging me about things from picking up my dog poo ( the dog is 11... i do know what im doing) to doing washing (again, ive lived out of home for over 10 years) to where i am, what im diong, who im with, why i didnt tell her i was going out etc... etc.
I have been telling her to stop nagging. but it makes no difference. My stock response is not to engage in this behaviour.
A few weeks ago she joined fb. She is not a fb user, she is friends with noone on it bar me ( she threw a strop till i added her... my sister refused) She has no pics, no friends, its not even in her proper name. Its just an account for snooping. Since then ive had daily phone calls about pics, or what ive said, or whos commented and how i know them. just going on and on. She called me sat to ask about a film i had said i was watching. she didnt know what it was, wanted to know what it was about. she had called people to ask them if they knew about said film. I l told her it needed to stop and if she didnt i would delete her.
I have now caused ww3.
Because i said that im ' talking to her like shit' and ' hate her' and she told me me and my child can fuck off. I explaiined that is a discusting thing to say and its terrible and i wont be emotionally blackmailed and the mothers day meal i had planned on hosting with all sibblings was now off. I wouldnt argue so got more and more shit thrown at me. including her husband telling me i should not tell her to fuck off. and then she said she couldnt take it anymore. this was of course after screaming at me for 45 mins.
i text her later the same day to tell her it was silly to argue. but got no response.
Ive text her today, my friend drafted the msg. she has similar mother issues. it was a friendly text, saying am i forgiven, i know you miss me, everyone is coming sunday, see you then.
she replied she didnt know and had i spoken to my siblings.
i said yes ( i hadnt, but since i only canncelled a few days ago and it is mothers day... cant see what else they would be doing.... of note was the fact noone of them had organised anything for her) and they would be here.
i got a cross text back saying i was a liar and had not. she had checked with my brother.
i said i had, i dont know what happened. and hastily text them....
turns out she has organised for them all to do something without me.
I am furrious.
I know what shes doing. its in her benefit to play us off and play the victim. I tried to sort it out sunday, and tried again today. but she clearly doesnt want to, despite me not having done anything wrong.
Im kind of at my wits end with it all and have no idea what else i can do, or how else i can deal with it.
any help much appreciated
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Relationships
My mother - am at wits end.
Choirace · 07/03/2013 12:22
I haven't read all, sorry, but this sounds similar to my mum and bro's relationship.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she treats you like a child. my mum was told by a counsellor that as long as she spoke to my bro as parent to child, they wouldn't get anywhere. she talks to him like an adult, they're fine. you probably don't realise you're doing it but ever time she does motherly nagging, the rebellious teenager part of your brain overrides your rational responses. As long as you're aware of that it might help your future communication. I agree she seems very unreasonable and controlling so being aware of that, don't engage (even though you'll probably want to argue!). Deep breaths and tell her you understand her frustration, but maybe you should discuss this when she's had a chance to calm down?
and yay... you have a day off on Sunday, no obligations to anyone! whatchagonnado? 
Hi op, Happy Mother's Day 
hope you and your dd are having a lovely time.
cant win. just cant win. This is absolutely true. You can't win with her, and you never will. The difficult thing is in letting go of the idea that things should be different. Of course they should. But they won't.
My mother is a true narcissist too, so I completely understand what is going on with you. It was when I, too, stopped placating and stood up for myself that my mother became so very much worse. It ended in a dreadful, awful row 12 or 13 years ago, since when we have had very little contact. My life has been better and more free without her. Since then, I have been able to bring up my daughters without the stress of her toxic presence in our lives. We now have sporadic email contact and exchange christmas and birthday gifts and cards, by post. And she is now grateful for anything she gets from me. and that is the way I would like it to stay.
I am the only person in the world who has a relationship with her on my own terms. Everyone else she is involved with, including my two long-suffering brothers and their wives, has to play things her way. That is the choice these narcissists give you - it is on their terms, or nothing. I chose nothing. And I am very comfortable with that choice most of the time. When I waver, I come on MN and howl for Attila , because she knows stuff, and gives the best advice on the subject.
It is heart-breaking and wrong, but you either do things her way, or don't bother.
Very best of luck to you
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Without wanting to hijack the thread (happy Mother's Day Choirace), I remember one of your threads Scarlett on this topic,you sound so robust, well done, really pleased for you.
forgetmeknots 
thank you. It is because I am old now and have had lots of practise
Am not actually robust at all, and have wept buckets over the years, because I love my mother but simply cannot have a relationship with her, which although the right choice for me, makes me sad. And I miss her too. But then I hear from the rest of the family what narcissistic nonsense she's been up to and making their lives hell, and then I am sad for them. But it always confirms my decision was the right one.
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