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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Really fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!

67 replies

NaughtyBetty · 03/03/2013 20:17

DH is under a lot of stress at work at the moment and has taken it out on DD (7) twice this week.... First time he really told her off for putting a bit of the soap in a cup to make a perfume while in the bath, he said he had told her not to touch teh soap as a year ago she put it all over the bath... We had a row about how he'd spoken to her.

Now this evening DD and DS (4) where in bed reading for half an hour before lights out. They both needed the loo so came into teh bathroom where I was having a bath, after they'd been they had a little chat with me and were being really sweet, DH came up the stairs and went mad because they were making noise and he's told them to be quiet... He made DD cry... He then swore (saying get into fucking bed), I told him not to swear and to stop swearing, he called me a stupid woman, I then said again not to speak to me like that and he said "I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you".... I am fucking FURIOUS....

OP posts:

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SolidGoldBrass · 03/03/2013 20:51

I do think telling him to leave, at least temporarily, is a good idea. He needs a demonstration of the fact that you are not a servant, a pet or his inferior and that you have the power (and every right) to end the marriage and throw him out if he can't behave in a civilised fashion.

LittleEdie · 03/03/2013 20:52

It must be awful having to explain his behaviour to the DCs when they were just being nice.

CognitiveOverload · 03/03/2013 20:55

Does he have any redeeming features? I don't mean that sarcastically just asking if he needs help with work issues?

joblot · 03/03/2013 20:58

I imagine your kids will have been shaken up by his behaviour. They won't forget it and will be damaged by it unless he completely accepts responsibility and apologizes in earnest to them

NaughtyBetty · 03/03/2013 21:00

Apart from his short fuse and occasional moodiness he is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and playful with our DC, works hard and helps out around the house when he's not working.

DD is really upset, I've tried to explain to her, just went into her room, she is still awake...

OP posts:

CognitiveOverload · 03/03/2013 21:03

You need to try to help him... sounds like he could be bottling things up and feeling a lot of pressure. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will not be tolerated again and he needs to address it.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2013 21:04

No, he isn't a fantastic Dad

on a regular basis, he treats you like the Hired Help, confuses his kids, swears at them and makes them cry

that is not a "fantastic father"

QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2013 21:04

Why is he so stressed?

NaughtyBetty · 03/03/2013 21:11

QuickLookBusy - He's got his uni dissertation to hand in the week after next and is also working full time

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QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2013 21:26

Well I expect he is stressed then. But he needs to acknowledge his behaviour is unacceptable and that it won't happen again.

My DH behaved like this a couple of times, although he didn't swear at the dc, he shouted at them for no reason at all.
He was extremely stressed at work and I told him that while I sympathised it was totally unacceptable for a father to speak to his DDs like that. I asked him how he would feel if the DDs let a boyfriend speak to them as he had, because if he carried on they would think this was normal behaviour. He did get the message and apologised.
I also realised that DH's father spoke like this to him as a child, he is very short tempered so DH thought it was normal.

squishyotter · 03/03/2013 21:28

Sounds like he is being very petulant and incredibly unreasonable. He's now alienated his kids by yelling at them, and annoyed you by being unnecessarily rude. Don't really understand what he intended to achieve save for demonstrating (to who? himself?) that he is in charge and what he says goes.

He is being selfish and seriously taking for granted the joy that he must surely feel most of the time through being a parent and a husband.

I think he needs to sleep in the spare room/couch tonight and open up, engage in understanding why he is getting like this and forge a method of dealing with it - whether through self awareness and learning to count to 10 and walk away when he is angry, or getting external guidance and support to enable him perhaps to better understand himself, and his triggers.

NaughtyBetty · 03/03/2013 21:28

I am quite short tempered if they are annoying me and I have told them to stop i.e being noisy and running around the house while I am trying to read or bickering, then I will shout at them. DH always brings this up if I question his strictness/short fuse.

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ErikNorseman · 03/03/2013 21:29

How often do you treat your children like that? Shout and yell at them for no reason with no care to their emotional well being? I bet never. Because you are actually a good parent. He is not.

ErikNorseman · 03/03/2013 21:30

Excuses.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2013 21:31

Do you swear at your kids ?

NaughtyBetty · 03/03/2013 21:35

No I don't swear at them, I have said oh ffs a few times in the past but never sworn at them

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QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2013 21:36

Everyone is short tempered sometimes.
But swearing at your dc is not ok. Neither is not apologising to them when you are in the wrong.

nickelbabe · 03/03/2013 21:41

I remember your last thread about the soap.
iirc you were told you were unreasonable.
idon't think you were, now you?ve done this one.

I agree with the poster who said that if he doesn't lose his temper like that with his boss and workmates then he shouldn't be doing it to his family.
if he does then he needs therapy. if he doesn't then he's being abusive.

I agree that you should pack him a bag for tonight.

izzyizin · 03/03/2013 21:47

To paraphrase your 'oh ffs', I wish I had £1 for every time a pisspoor excuse for a father is described as a 'fantastic dad'.

What does shouting at dc as matter of course achieve? It seems to me the routineness of being yelled at is likely to make them turn a deaf ear to any warning that is, of necessity, bellowed at megadecibels such as 'STOP' as they approach the edge of a cliff, riverbank, or other equally hazardous place.

something2say · 03/03/2013 21:54

Don't let this pass you by, op. for your self respect, the needs of your children and the respect of your husband.

I'd leave him a note or send a text or email saying that the rel is at risk unless he apologises.

Prepare for a bit of Cold War until he says sorry to everyone. I'd think of something he must do as a punishment as well.

Don't give in love xx

cjel · 03/03/2013 22:13

Stress at work/exams is never an excuse for abuse. You say you would love to ask him to leave as you know hes not right but already making excuses for him -hes a good dad- doesn't happen often - is under stress!!! Finances are not a good reason to leave your dcs in a family when they don't know when they are going to get abused.

Socrates91 · 03/03/2013 22:23

OP he sounds exhausting to live with and a misogynistic jerk. I would definitely not let go his behaviour particularly his vile remark "stupid woman" unless you want to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home. Love is built on mutual respect and he doesn't seem to have much for you if he thinks it's all right to speak down to you this way. If he refuses to see the error of his ways then its time to leave for your sake and the children.

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NaughtyBetty · 04/03/2013 08:57

It's always the same thing we argue about, the way he speaks to the DC, DD in particular. It has been a recurrent thing, usually every 6 months of so we have a huge blow up about it. We can't afford to leave, we have nowhere to go, the rest of the time things are fine, these are the hard facts of the matter - not excuses.
He also would have literally nowhere to go. He took himself down to the sofa last night and DS (2) woke in the night crying for him until he took him downstairs with him.
I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do.

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AnyFucker · 04/03/2013 09:04

He picks on one of your children ?

Treats your DD worse than the other(s)?

Have you any idea what damaging lessons that is teaching her?

I am sorry to inform you of this, but as your dd grows up, she will slowly come to realise that you have not protected her from him, and that you value your relationship with this tool over her emotional well being

NaughtyBetty · 04/03/2013 09:10

What would you suggest I do?

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