Really fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!

[NaughtyBetty]

DH is under a lot of stress at work at the moment and has taken it out on DD (7) twice this week.... First time he really told her off for putting a bit of the soap in a cup to make a perfume while in the bath, he said he had told her not to touch teh soap as a year ago she put it all over the bath... We had a row about how he'd spoken to her.

Now this evening DD and DS (4) where in bed reading for half an hour before lights out. They both needed the loo so came into teh bathroom where I was having a bath, after they'd been they had a little chat with me and were being really sweet, DH came up the stairs and went mad because they were making noise and he's told them to be quiet... He made DD cry... He then swore (saying get into fucking bed), I told him not to swear and to stop swearing, he called me a stupid woman, I then said again not to speak to me like that and he said "I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you".... I am fucking FURIOUS....

[AnyFucker]

Even the last Pope admitted he wasn't up to The Job.

[OneHandFlapping]

"He has real issues with apologising and/or admitting he was wrong."

This is the mark of a grade A knob. Does he think he's the Pope or something?

[Sianilaa]

So he doesn't like women? He thinks you're a "stupid woman" who he can treat as he pleases, plus your daughter is treated worse than her brothers. That is so unbelievably awful.

My DH once swore at me, under his breath but in front of the DC. I got several bin bags, filled it with his stuff and threw it out of the window into the front garden. I told him I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that by anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love me, in my own home and in front of my young children. He was distraught but it taught him that I will not accept it. I'm a SAHM, doesn't mean I have to put up with being treated badly and neither should you.

I agree with the poster who said he is unlikely to swear at his boss so he CHOOSES to treat you this way.

[Socrates91]

Please don't take this the wrong way OP but this is the exact reason why married women must be financially independent. I doubt he would talk to you this way if you had a small inheritance knowing full well that you could leave at anytime. He knows you are dependent on him and is exploiting this to serve his selfish need to control you and your children. I feel for your daughter who I fear is and will continue to be treated much worser than her brothers.

This is not a nice man.

OP is he mean with money too?

[Blu]

I agree, do not brush it under the carpet.

Tell him it isn't acceptable to swear at the children, or to speak to you like that, or to speak to you like that in front of the children. And if he is so stressed that he can't control himself he needs to move out until his dissertation is done.
And / or at the slightest repeptition of anything like this behaviour, calmly gather up the kids and call a taxi and go to a Travelodge. Tell them you are leaving Daddy in time out until he calms down because it isn't good behaviour to speak to people like that.

[nickelbabe]

"I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do."

this is dangerous.
he resents being told what to do, so he won't get help for his anger?
that's fucking bollocks.

[Morloth]

He can speak to you/your DD anyway he likes.

You are allowing your children to be emotionally abused because it is too hard to leave?

He already knows how this makes you feel, that is why he does it.

[garlicbrain]

Your kids sound lovely, btw, and so do you. The little bathroom scenes you've described are delightful! (Well, until Mr I. Am messed them up )

[garlicbrain]

I was just about to post exactly the same as Scarlet.

Betty, you've got to make a big issue out of it or it'll keep on happening. DD will learn to modify her creativity in case Dad would shout at her. DS the same, only he'll also learn to shout at his sister as that's what men do.

My twunt radar is so finely tuned these days, that one sentence alone would be enough for me to LTB. I realise this isn't among your plans at the moment, so get as close as you dare!

Exile him until his dissertation's in. If he can't behave like a reasonable human being around his family while under stress, then make sure the irrational bully doesn't have a family at such times.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

"I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you"

And there you have it. This is what he actually thinks. I hope you are going to make sure he doesn't continue to think that this is ok.

I'm not surprised you are bloody furious. Hope this doesn't get brushed under the carpet, because if it does, he will continue to treat you and your dcs this way whenever he feels like it.

[Blu]

I would pick a time when you are not rowing, when things are calm and tell him you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel when he acts like that, how the children feel, describe how your DC were saying how happy they were when he barged on and swore and made them cry.

And tell him that counselling isn't about telling him what to do, it's about couples sorting out how they communicate with each other. And that when he did this last night you felt you wanted to leave him, and you know that each time he does this the feeling will grow, and the elasticity with which you can ping back into good times gets less and less. And you don't think either of you wnat that. Therefore it needs sorting. Either by him seeking support for his stress management, or by couples counselling or both.

[AnyFucker]

I just realised I deleted a sentence when I edited my post

"why don't you expect him to do something about it" should have been in there too

[AnyFucker]

hi, OP, I am just wondering what you think you can do about it, but more importantly whether you are going to stand by whilst he carries on treating you all like second class citizens and sponges to mop up his inadequacy

You won't leave. You don't want him to leave. He refuses professional help with the relationship. He thinks he does no wrong.

What will change ? Nothing.

[targaryen24]

There really is no excuse. I'm a single mum, barely get a break, have a 2yr old boy & am studying for a degree. I get so stressed you wouldn't believe it yet I would never treat my DS like that. I do what any sane adult would do & leave the room if my buttons are being badly pushed.

And to talk to you like that in front of your DCs is disgusting, with no apology either. Without sounding harsh, do you really want your boys to think that's an ok way to treat women?

It helps to try and picture it from an outside perspective too. What would you advise a close friend to do if she told you her DH had spoken to her like that?
If she told you he went through periods like that wouldn't you tell her to run a mile? Maybe he knows you're financially trapped. He certainly thinks it's ok to talk to you like that for some reason

Sorry to hear this btw, I'd be fuming !!

[GLady]

You need to tell him to leave

This isnt a one off, he is paving the way for treating you and DD like this ALL the time

If you let it go this time, you are showing him its ok

[NaughtyBetty]

I wouldn't say he treats her worse, DD does get told off more (generally by us both) because she doesn't do what she's told as often as her brothers, she can be quite hard work, but at times DH can be really intolerant.

[NaughtyBetty]

What would you suggest I do?

[AnyFucker]

He picks on one of your children ?

Treats your DD worse than the other(s)?

Have you any idea what damaging lessons that is teaching her?

I am sorry to inform you of this, but as your dd grows up, she will slowly come to realise that you have not protected her from him, and that you value your relationship with this tool over her emotional well being

[NaughtyBetty]

It's always the same thing we argue about, the way he speaks to the DC, DD in particular. It has been a recurrent thing, usually every 6 months of so we have a huge blow up about it. We can't afford to leave, we have nowhere to go, the rest of the time things are fine, these are the hard facts of the matter - not excuses.
He also would have literally nowhere to go. He took himself down to the sofa last night and DS (2) woke in the night crying for him until he took him downstairs with him.
I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do.

[Socrates91]

OP he sounds exhausting to live with and a misogynistic jerk. I would definitely not let go his behaviour particularly his vile remark "stupid woman" unless you want to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home. Love is built on mutual respect and he doesn't seem to have much for you if he thinks it's all right to speak down to you this way. If he refuses to see the error of his ways then its time to leave for your sake and the children.

[cjel]

Stress at work/exams is never an excuse for abuse. You say you would love to ask him to leave as you know hes not right but already making excuses for him -hes a good dad- doesn't happen often - is under stress!!! Finances are not a good reason to leave your dcs in a family when they don't know when they are going to get abused.

[something2say]

Don't let this pass you by, op. for your self respect, the needs of your children and the respect of your husband.

I'd leave him a note or send a text or email saying that the rel is at risk unless he apologises.

Prepare for a bit of Cold War until he says sorry to everyone. I'd think of something he must do as a punishment as well.

Don't give in love xx

[izzyizin]

To paraphrase your 'oh ffs', I wish I had £1 for every time a pisspoor excuse for a father is described as a 'fantastic dad'.

What does shouting at dc as matter of course achieve? It seems to me the routineness of being yelled at is likely to make them turn a deaf ear to any warning that is, of necessity, bellowed at megadecibels such as 'STOP' as they approach the edge of a cliff, riverbank, or other equally hazardous place.

[nickelbabe]

I remember your last thread about the soap.
iirc you were told you were unreasonable.
idon't think you were, now you?ve done this one.

I agree with the poster who said that if he doesn't lose his temper like that with his boss and workmates then he shouldn't be doing it to his family.
if he does then he needs therapy. if he doesn't then he's being abusive.

I agree that you should pack him a bag for tonight.