Awful Date - Was I Right To Walk Out?

[Zilvernblue]

Online dating. Arranged to meet for a coffee. I got there a few minutes early, so just got my coffee and went and sat at a table to wait. I got a text from him saying he would be a couple of minutes late. 30 minutes later, no sign of him. I then got a text from him asking "You still coming?". I replied that I'd been there half an hour already, had had my coffee and was thinking of going home. He replied "Where are you?" and I replied that I was sitting at a corner table facing the entrance. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him, so I got up and started to make my way out. I get quite nervous meeting new people and this just threw me, as I thought he'd stood me up.

I bumped into him on the way out and it was a bit awkward, he started saying he had waited by the entrance doors to catch me on my way in. I said I didn't have that much time now, but we could maybe get a quick coffee. I must have pissed him off by sounding a bit reluctant/uncertain, because he started umming and ahhing when I said this, so I just walked off.

No text from him to apologise or explain, nothing. Was I being a bit impatient or would others have done the same? I did have to be somewhere afterwards.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Any idiot meeting someone for a coffee would have a scout round when they arrive to see if the person is inside or hasn't arrived yet. If he was too big an idiot to think to do this then you're well rid.

[Mumsyblouse]

If you are meeting at a garden centre, and he was at the entrance, how was he supposed to know you were in the cafe? I wouldn't continue with this date anyway as it sounds very hard work and I wouldn't want to give out details, but a certain amount of misunderstanding and not meeting immediately would be ok by me, as it is intimidating to walk in somewhere and find someone, and so I would have waited by the entrance unless they specifically said to meet in the cafe.

And- if he'd left the entrance to find you and you'd been looking around the begonias, he'd have then missed you, he probably thought it was better to stay put (or why didn't you go to the entrance 5 seconds away to look?)

Best left, but I don't think he committed an unredeemable crime waiting at the entrance to a garden centre (the crime was thinking a date in a garden centre would be fun IMO).

[kalidanger]

Any idiot meeting someone for a coffee would have a scout round when they arrive to see if the person is inside or hasn't arrived yet. If he was too big an idiot to think to do this then you're well rid.

This! ^^

OP don't listen to anyone saying "You should have..." etc. He fucked up.

I'd stick this thread on 'hide' now, if it was me

[Nandocushion]

WHAT a loser this guy was - and we can tell that by the way he treated you, OP. I can't believe all the people making excuses for him. Is this one of those weird female things where we excuse bad manners or worse by saying he's shy or a late bloomer or whatever? Or is everyone else equally socially inept? Either way, I can't figure out how a grown man can show up SO late, not apologise, and act like such a simpleton. Unless, of course, he IS a simpleton. (Frankly, the "beanie hat lol" comment would have done it for me.)

[MarinaIvy]

"I got a text from him saying he would be a couple of minutes late" and then "he started saying he had waited by the entrance doors to catch me on my way in".

YABU, but only if you're on OnlineWeirdo World, where somebody who's late thinks it's reasonable to wait by the door to catch somebody who's presumably even later. WTAF did he get the idea you were going to be later than him? Or stand around in the cold?

All, esp those who think "what's the big deal?' Yes, this one event isn't ground-shattering, but it doesn't have to be. Mumsnet isn't just for A N Specific Problem, it's also for us to help discuss and define societal norms. And anybody who suggests a woman stand around in the cold or puts up with rudeness from a man she hasn't even met, well, I'm sorry for the world you inhabit and affect.

I think any civilised person, particularly if they're on a "first date" situation, even if the directions weren't crystal clear, would have had the default assumption of "she's in a comfortable spot, with a nice, warming cuppa, indeed a cuppa of the very thing they were meant to meet to have", and then gone to look. No brainer.

I'm also not thrilled with him asking lots of personal questions before the date. In fact, the thing about your employer and your full name and part of town - that raises my red flag a bit.

[kittybiscuits]

What marina said!

[MarinaIvy]

Also, Zilvern, I've done a bit of online dating, will you accept a couple of tips from my own experience? I've tended to put in place two main rules for first dates:

1. agree and rigidly stick to a time limit (typically 1/2 hr), and
   

1. whilst on the first date, neither party proposes a second date, but agree that follow-up (if any) gets done later, by text or email.
   

I've found that the men tend to feel relieved when I suggest these - if both parties know these limits going into the first meeting, they can relax a bit and maybe even get a chance to talk. Obviously, it's not going to stop all awkwardness, but it helps cut it down.

Good luck!

[MarinaIvy]

Gaaah!

Two main rules on top of the usual ones (like meeting in a public place, telling friends where you're going, etc). Definitely not instead of!!!