Hi, Wise Ones!
I would really value some input on my situation please. I am actually in a really good place, but would like some insight re my brother's behaviour. I also think I just need to get it all out.
This is going to be looooooong.
I shall try and be as succinct as possible, whilst imparting what I think is relevant information.
Background.
My father left the family home when I was 12, and my brothers were 10 and 7. My mother raised us as a single parent, my father barely saw us, and when I reached adulthood, I officially cut ties with him as I felt he wasn't that bothered about any of us. Haven't seen or heard from him since I was 21. I am now nearly 40.
My mother did her best, struggled financially. I know she had a lot on her plate, and no help. All of her siblings live on the other side of the planet, and her parents were dead before I was born. The only tangible family I had were her and my two brothers.
She has always been opinionated, bossy, critical, grade A never enough; why didn't you get A+, her way or the highway, stubborn, strict, overbearing. I don't think she managed well when we hit adulthood and had our own opinions.
We all muddled along ok for the next 20 years, didn't all see loads of each other (her, my brothers, me): this seemed to suit us all, as we all lead independent lives, and I don't think we have much in common.
More recent times!
I get married, we have a son, born autumn 2010 (first and currently only grandchild). Straight away the opinions come in, I should do this, do that, that's not how it's done. We used to do this in the seventies, times have changed, mother, I tell her that current research supports this or that, HV is happy with newborn and development etc, he is thriving, happy, thanks for your opinion, please feel free to offer me advice once, but if we (husband and I) say we are doing it another way, you drop it. We aren't going to change our minds just because you go on and on about it. You don't have any say in how he is raised. But she couldn't ever stop, and I felt undermined, belittled, nagged, stressed. When our son was 13 months old, I felt he was really starting to understand that I was being undermined, criticised, and I didn't feel this was a healthy environment for any of us, so I said more firmly to her, that she had to stop. She said no, she could say what she liked, regardless of my feelings (if you recognise this, yes, I did post about it on here at the time, and was told by most of the people replying that she was toxic and I was being reasonable to distance myself: indeed, I should, for the benefit of my child). I was so stressed, her visits sapped my joy and my strength, and I'd had enough. She stopped visiting, yippee.
A few months later, my husband got a new job and we moved a 90min flight away. I feel relieved. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
A poster on my original thread warned me to watch out for the family fallout. Well, here it is. My brothers have only recently been made fully aware of the situation.
Autumn 2012, six months after we moved away, my brother sends a group email to me, my mother and other brother. Just general chat, nothing great. I reply to both brothers, cutting my mother out of the CC field, as I do not correspond with her any more. My brother demands that I reply all in future, and I say no, his mother and I aren't speaking. Both brothers push to know why. I don't feel it is fair to colour their judgement of my mother, so say it is between her and me. They get some info from her, obviously, so I give my version, pretty much as spelled out above. They don't get it at all, and tell me I must let her into my life, she should be able to say whatever she wants, she is our mother. I say no, I don't need the stress, thanks, and I am very happy with how things are.
My younger brother emails me to tell me he thinks I am pathetic and cruel, that when he has children he'd love our mother's input oh how I chortled at that and blocks me on Fb. I don't see why he felt the need to take sides, our relationships are separate, in my mind.
Xmas 2012 my eldest brother sends my husband the following email. I will change the names to protect our identities, and rather than DS, DB, DH etc, I'll give us names as with it being from my brother, I think it will get confusing.
I will be Opal (OP for short!).
My husband is Harry.
My son is Stan.
My friend is Felicity.
Eldest bro is Brian.
I'll do it in the next post, as this is already long, and I think it will make it clearer. I would like some insight please into what my brother is on, basically! I don't feel any great need to respond to him (the email was to my husband, he didn't reply). I feel he does not enhance my life, and is no great loss. In the 18 months of my son's life, before we moved further away with my husband's job, when we lived a 30 minute drive from this brother, we saw him maybe three times. So, really, no great loss.
My younger brother was CCed in on the email to my husband, replied all just basically saying he agreed with the other brother.
Today I get an email from him, CCed to other brother and mother, all breezy, hi, how's everyone, just checking in! Like nothing had happened, and he wants a reply, despite sending that email at Xmas to my husband. I think I should just ignore him, draw a line under my family, and focus on my lovely husband and son. Or should I reply?
Thanks so much if you have read to the end!!! Ach, it was good to get it out anyway.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Estranged Toxic Mother and the Family Fallout
OPGangnamStyle · 14/02/2013 02:10
Hi, three. Sorry you have gone through this too. Hugs to you, 
.
I hope you feel at peace. I do. I feel sorry for my mother, sorry she is missing out on such a joyful time, missing out on seeing my little boy grow up. But I feel SO much better for not being criticised and nagged, and happy I am saving my child from the same. And really, the other members of the family, well, no great loss if that's how they behave. Wishing you very well, it's hard, but evidently not that uncommon.
The brother is not a very good psychologist is he? He's not much of a salesman either.
I'll go read the rest now. 
Thank you everyone for your input.
Hello again, Bertha. My father actually does look like Mr.Dursley!!! But my brother is wiry rather than robust.
I can already scoff at his crazy emails, scoff and pity him. They don't really get to me, as I know I am doing the right thing for my child and family (DH, DS, me), and that my brother is quite clueless about it all. Though he absolutely does know what our mother is like, the nagging and criticism, he's been on the receiving end of it plenty. I hope if he has his own children, he will protect them. Or his partner will!
I am not sure I need to show RL friends his emails. I do feel pity for him, and don't wish to embarrass him. Plus, I have always kept personal things private. Well, apart from on here!
LittleBairn, he means the non-confrontational email he sent me, the bright and breezy one, all innocent, as if he'd never sent that disgusting one to my husband only weeks previously. Crazy fool, like I wasn't going to be aware of that other email. I am glad you feel better for cutting out your family. Relief, like you said, that is how I feel. Far more relief/freeing/lightness, rather than sadness and anger. I mean, it is sad I don't have any siblings that I have a relationship with, but hey, we can't choose our family.
whocansay, 
. Well, if I do hear back from anyone else that he's been slating me, maybe I'll show them this thread!
Ha, Hissy, quite! Never get of the wrong side of a might MNer! :)
I know, arithmeticulous! Luckily, my husband utterly adores and supports me.
kali, I don't blame you for not reading it all! :) It is rather long! But thank you for your vote for no contact.
Hi again, Attila. You were on my first thread about my mother, a year ago, and I appreciate your wise words again! And knowing there is yet another letter-writing crazy out there!!! Where do they all come from?!
I have read the list re identifying a narc mother. I am not sure mine fits, but it's difficult to know certain criteria well enough.
mummynosleep, oh my! Your MIL is awful! I think you have a clear case for getting a restraining order in her! Or can you emigrate?
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP, I read page 1 then skipped to this page and agree with everyone saying 'ignore!' Especially arthritic he'll be so bemused you aren't falling into line.
Some for you, for your troubles and your sense of humour 
I don't think it needs saying now, but I'm another one for ignoring it. What a totally pompous moron he is. He has zero self awareness. Cut them all out.
I love the threat about blackening your name! If he does start slagging you off to general acquaintance, start forwarding his lovely emails to people. And point out that they were sent to your husband. They're all the defence you'll ever need.
I'm sorry your share genes with such a twat.
non confrontational email wtf is he out of his mind, that was one of the most confrontational meals I've ever read! I plying you have mental health problems, are a disgrace and embarrassment and a bad mother.
Personally my vote is for No reply, it will drive him absolutely mad.
I cut a large portion of my family out for toxic behaviour, is been 5 years, it has been the best decision I ever made the relief is immense.
Personally of you are happy to cut them out permantly then you need to make the decision, draw a line under it all and move on.
Change phone numbers, emails addresses and block on Facebook.
If I didn't know better I'd think that was written by a rather immature 12 year old in a strop. Although I'm also imagining a fat purple-faced middle-aged Victorian with dented pride and a frustrated power-complex. You know in books when they say someone is "apoplectic"? Or maybe Mr Dursley. Does your brother look like Mr Dursley?
Definitely ignore. Any reply at all will just fuel the next ridiculous attack. Ignoring him will send the best message - i.e. 'you are not worth a second of our time'.
I wouldn't worry about him "blackening your name". Let him get on with that - give em enough rope! Anyone worth knowing will listen to him and think "what an idiot, poor Opal".
Would your husband be willing to block emails from him too? I really don't think you need periodic emails from your brother. Not until you're able to look at them and laugh.
Have you got some good real-life friends you could show the emails to, btw? Because their reaction will be shock/horror/outrage for you/helpless laughter at him, and I think it might really help you to see that.
I do think you should print out and keep all the emails though, just in case they're ever useful in the future - when family members are ever denying that things were said.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Thank you, Eldritch and LineRunner.
Very good memory to remember my first thread, *Eldritch'!
I will have a bit of a think about the projection idea (but not give him/it too much of my precious time and headspace). I am just baffled he's gone so apoplectic with rage, when he knows exactly what our mother is like. I'm also 
that he thinks I blocked him from my Fb 'for no reason'. Is he so dim as to think that I wouldn't see that first email to my husband, and work out that possibly this was my reason for blocking him? Does he think that obnoxious email would warrant no repercussions? I think he's a bit emotionally stunted. Or something.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.