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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My mum says I'm being over-sensitive. Do you think I am?

66 replies

PandaOnAPushBike · 13/02/2013 10:44

I emigrated to southern Sweden several years ago. In the 6 years I've been here I have not been visited by anyone from my family. My mum won't fly and it's too far for my dad to drive. Two of my sisters say it's too expensive, but they will come out when they can afford it. My other sister and brother say they'd love to come and will do soon but never do. The only time I see them is when I make the effort to go back to England. I feel sad about it but resigned to it.

Yesterday I was talking to my mum and she's all excited about an upcoming holiday. The whole family, parents and siblings (and their children) have clubbed together to hire a minibus and are driving down to France to stay with a distant cousin for a week. It's here 40th and she's having a big party to celebrate and they all want to go.

Am I being over-sensitive for feeling really hurt by this? They didn't make the effort to come for my daughter's 18th or graduation and my 40th passed by unnoticed. I accepted it at the time, but now it seems like it's 'can't be arsed to make it' rather than 'can't make it'. I was making plans to get my new son baptised back in the UK so they could all come. Now I'm thinking 'sod them' and having it here. My mum thinks I'm being reasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

Report

BeCool · 13/02/2013 11:54

DOH!

Just remember to count all the lovely reasons there are to live in another country from your dysfunctional family!!!

Thumbwitch · 13/02/2013 11:55

YA so NBU, as your later post about the 60th birthday party reveals.
You are upset because they are overlooking you.
However, this appears to be a pattern and whilst I can fully understand how upsetting it is, perhaps you need to look at their behaviour over your whole life and realise that in fact they are a bunch of gits who have used you as the family scapegoat for a long while, and then give them the heave-ho (if you can bear to do so).

JustCallMeFish · 13/02/2013 11:56

Yadefnbu.

Although I think France is a lot cheaper to visit.

But in all that time they could have out a little money away each month to visit you. Even if it took 18 months to save up.

I have family who live a mile and a half away who haven't seen my newborn yet and dc is 3 months old. And I mean close family.

Some people are insensitive. Your fam are bu.

Hugs to you.

Hoaz · 13/02/2013 11:57

Really only 4.5 hours? I thought it would be much further TBH. So, around 2 hours, a nice break on the ferry and another 2 hours or so? I don't know anyone who's fit to drive who couldn't manage that.

I thought from your OP, as I said, there could be two sides, but IVO how they treated you in the UK, I think CartedOff is right and you should enjoy your new life and get your child christened where you are.

What is your relationship with your mum like when you visit? Did they leave you out of your father's 60th plans to be spiteful or were they used to you being too busy? (just asking )

PandaOnAPushBike · 13/02/2013 11:59

The bit about not inviting you to your dad's party is seriously weird though. Why do you think there is this gulf between you? Are you just very different people? Is there some bad blood from the past? It seems really odd.

No bad blood. I think it's because they are all extravert party types with big, interlinked, social circles. On the other hand I am extremely quiet, don't drink, have AS and am just invisible to them.

OP posts:

PandaOnAPushBike · 13/02/2013 12:03

What is your relationship with your mum like when you visit? Did they leave you out of your father's 60th plans to be spiteful or were they used to you being too busy?

No I don't think there was anything spiteful about it and I'm never too busy. I think it was purely that I never crossed their minds.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/02/2013 12:05

People who say others are being over sensitive usually know that they are in the wrong but need to justify their actions.

YANBU

QuietNinjaTardis · 13/02/2013 12:21

I live 180 miles away from my family, in England. My sister has been up once. For my wedding. I've lived here for 6 years. I can only assume she doesn't want to come as I get a range of excuses whenever I've mentioned her visiting.
Makes me feel sad but I can't force her. We go back one to visit at least 5 times a year and orally more often. I've had a couple of friends visit once and my mum has visited at least once a year. I'm not really close to anyone in my family apart from my mum.

QuietNinjaTardis · 13/02/2013 12:22

Orally more often?! Normally more often!

TomArchersSausage · 13/02/2013 12:27

Speaking from my own pov here's no way I'd not have visited a lot by now.

Is the French trip in the summer? I'm guessing if it is, the holiday is more about the climate and the chance of shared driving /costs than because it's someone's birthday. Maybe?

But the thing about the 60th party is very strange and hurtful.

Yes I do think saying you are being over sensitive is just a way of snowing over the fact that they've been less than thoughtful. Funny I think how people that say things like that tend to be mighty sensitive when it comes to their own feelings though

PandaOnAPushBike · 13/02/2013 12:37

I think my MIL must have psychic powers. I was feeling sad and unloved after yesterday's phone call. But I've just taken in an unexpected parcel from her. It full of Cadbury's chocolate just for me my husband and I, lots of socks and bibs and other bits and bobs for their grandson, and a note saying they've booked time off work in April to come over for a couple of weeks and for a long weekend in July with SIL too.

Just what I needed. A prompt to focus on the positives.

OP posts:

armagh · 13/02/2013 12:37

Your family sound really strange. Hiw can they just forget about inviting you to your dad's birthday party? Is it a very big family? I would be sad but wouldn't bother with them- their loss.

bestsonever · 13/02/2013 12:41

Could you afford to put money towards their visit, taking away that as a reason for not coming?
I've spent many a hot summer in Sweden, might get baltic in winter, but the summers are generally better than in the UK IME. But it was £5 a pint about 10 years ago when I bought a round for 4 for £20 in Stockholm :-0. Hate to think what it is now. I do remember the systemsbolaget keeps strange hours and a bottle of wine is criminal. Having said that, there is more to life than drinking and the Swedes generally lead a healthier one.

MortifiedAdams · 13/02/2013 12:43

Call them.on it. Looks to me like their lack of interest means you don't have much to lose if they take offence.

"DFamily, Im really hurt that you would travel all the way to see Aunt when you wont take the same length journey to visit me. Ive been here six years. It would be nice to be able to show you a little but of our life over here".

bestsonever · 13/02/2013 12:44

I see it's sorted now, great. I must get over there and see some family myself soon. They are great hosts :-)

Thumbwitch · 13/02/2013 12:48

Oh panda, how lovely of your MIL! Do you get on well with your ILs? Sounds like they're far nicer than your own family, sadly. :(

Whocansay · 13/02/2013 13:12

YANBU. Have you checked out the Stately Homes thread?

I definitely wouldn't bother with the UK Christening. They may not even turn up.

PandaOnAPushBike · 13/02/2013 13:23

I'm extremely lucky with my ILs. They are very kind and thoughtful people and I get on really well with them. They usually come over 3 or 4 times a year and put us up when we go back. My husband also has AS so being settled with me and our little family means so much to them. I think they thought he would be always be alone and worried so much for him. (He was 35 when he met me and had never even had a friend, let alone a girlfriend before, despite being being one of the kindest, gentlest men you could ever meet)

OP posts:

anonacfr · 13/02/2013 13:25

I wouldn't be upset at them going to France rather than Sweden, I'd be upset that they're having a big family gathering and didn't even invite you.
Even if you couldn't have made they could have called/emailed to say 'we're all going to xxx for xxx's birthday, want to join us?'

Walkacrossthesand · 13/02/2013 13:25

Panda, I'm @ 60th party tale- not only 'forgetting' to invite you, but then having the audacity to blame you for any embarrassment caused by your non-attendance!! You can spend a lifetime wishing your family were different - or you can defend yourself from hurt and make your friends (and lovely in-laws, by the sound of it) your family. I read a great quote elsewhere on MN -'don't make someone a priority if they make you optional' or something like that. You can't change them - so let them get on with it. It's not your fault.

LessMissAbs · 13/02/2013 13:26

You can drive to Sweden using ferries at Hull, Newcastle or Harwich to Holland or Belguim then drive all the way on bridges. Its not much further than to the south of France. Lyon is a huge drive, and sitting on a minibus is a lot more uncomfortable that in a car.

ffs its Sweden. Its not Outer Mongolia. This "you chose to move away" attitude is so small minded. Their loss - Swedens lovely - who wouldn't want to visit a family member there?

The thing about the 60th is very telling. Do you think they are jealous of you because you have made more of a life for yourself than they have? I'm pretty sure my two aunts are jealous of me because I moved away from our home town and became more successful.

brass · 13/02/2013 14:55

your relationship with them prior to Sweden is key. You must have fallen out over something?

It can't be this one sided for no reason. They are close to each other but not to you. Do you send them birthday cards? Not inviting you to your Dad's 60th is a massive snub.

Not having a go I just can't make sense of it.

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zimbomaman · 13/02/2013 16:39

I feel for you panda. My siblings never have days to take off or the money to afford the journey either. They do, however, go scuba diving in Egypt though. My 40th went unnoticed too but the whole gang flew over to Ireland to surprise my elder brother for his. I found out about it because DSil texted my DD the day before. I find it so sad that we aren't all treated in the same way. Have your christening with those who you appreciate and who appreciate you.

Adversecamber · 13/02/2013 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RememberTheGoodTimes · 13/02/2013 17:08

Having lived abroad, I personally wouldn't expect people to be able to come over to see me.
I know my parents would make the effort. I also know my DH parents wouldn't do the trip (various reasons but not linked to the fact they wouldn't want to make the effort iyswim).

I actually think there is an issue with the AS. Your IL have clearly accepted how their ds is (and you) whereas your family hasn't. Your IL are delighted to see their ds having a family etc... and are ready to support him/you. Your family clearly still has some issue to accept you/understand how you both function.

There is also such a thing as being forgotten when you are not there.....

Flip

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