my partner and i are splitting up. We've been together 13 years. In many ways we get on amazingly well, but from the start, we've had these godawful rows. It's pretty much because he's angry with me, and I can understand many instances why. I know I've made many mistakes, but people do, and it's not been like I don't want to do what I can to help things be how he needs or even likes them to be (he's certainly done that for me). But the technicalities of the row are such that, when he explodes in a fit of temper, he's very verbally aggressive, and accuses me of having done/not done things on purpose, not giving a shit about him (this is obviously, how he feels by my not having done/not done the thing that upset him). When I tell him my side of the story, he dismisses it entirely. He tells me it's excuses/bullshit, and continues to what feels like verbally attack me ? not let me speak, dismiss everything I say as crap, shout, be verbally abusive, call me horrid names, tell me again what my transgression is and how nasty I am. I get more and more upset because he won't let me say anything, and the row escalates until I manage to leave (he physically blocks me for a long while) because I feel I can't participate in the row. His feeling is that he has told me what he wants from me "nicely" many times. When he sees me not producing the goods over and over again (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't ? I'm a working mum and the main carer for our offspring ? but that isn't good enough), it makes him feel more and more not cared about, until he explodes. But the upshot is that, in the entire marriage, we have not resolved a single row.
The things he gets upset about were mostly practical things, but also, me "not noticing" what he needed and providing it for me.
He tells me I have never said the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, which is why he has never listened to me ? and that I talk a load of crap.
I have tried to keep trying to say my side of the situation, to say it later that day, to bring it up the next day, the next week, the next month, a long time later. I've tried to change the language I use (until I get so upset at him not letting me into the conversation, I revert to classic "what not to say in a row" language). The only thing that has ever calmed him down when he's upset is if I don't say anything at all about my own feelings/my side of the story, but instead, simply focus on him and his feelings.
In other ways, he's been the perfect partner, and he feels that all he has done for me should be evidence that he loves me ? I shouldn't need him to listen to me in a row ? I should just shut up and do what he wants to prove I love him. But I have felt like I'm the baddie, I'm the crap one who doesn't care/do as much as the other person (for the other person), that I'm always letting the side down. And I have also always felt that it's not me he loves, but a "better" version of me that he's waiting for me to turn into. After all, if he loves me, why won't he listen to me?
We've been to 3 sets of counsellors. No joy.
Little bit more info ? I'm messy, he's OCDish, I'm in the moment, he's a planner. In many ways, these opposites come together very well. But I know my lack of organisation really pisses him off.
Apparently, our splitting up is entirely my fault, and he hasn't let me down in any way at all.
What do you all think? Bear in mind that he has really worked hard in our lives together, and although I've worked to my full capacity (which is lesser than his ? he's quicker, brighter, better than me at many things), he's felt throughout that I'm not pulling my weight, which he takes as proof that I don't care about him.
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smellslikemiddleagedspirit · 10/02/2013 22:00
Thanks, Oxford 
You'll be pleased to know that, today, for the first time, I was standing in my garden and feeling actual joy in my heart. Not a familiar feeling of late. (and I saw 2 magpies right afterwards!) Reading this thread, and the culmination of the events of the past few months, has lead to some kind of change of feeling in me. I actually believe I am not what he says I am for the first time, and feel like I can see him for what he is. He is weak, and weaker than me, because I've survived his shit and feel I can be OK. He'll still be with him wherever he goes. He's weak because I know on some level, he KNOWS. But he doesn't have the courage to look at it. He's weak because he picks on someone weaker, because he uses his intelligence to hide the truth from himself, and because he's shat on a genuine love that could have nurtured him into old age. You're right ? he is the twat. Not me.
I'm feeling very loved up about the mumsnet community right now. This has been of immense help to me. Big huge hug to everyone who's taken the time to post and give me such considered, seriously helpful responses.
Great to hear this, Op 
But you've done all the hard work on yourself - we were just a sounding board for you to thrash out what you have already very perceptively worked out. IMHO, this surge of your true, happy, strong self emerging is far more rewarding than waiting for this loser to realise what a twunt he's been. Onwards and upwards, well done! (Hug right back)
I'm not lemon but can tell you about my experience of having a boy whose father was, and is, EA. He is a good father in many ways - he became a better father when we split up because he spends more time with him and it's better time - doing things that DS is interested in. It was better too because he was no longer exploding at my many minor indiscretions and calling me names in front of him. However, from my perspective there are some elements of the negative environment that comes with someone who is EA that my DS is exposed to 
It is heartbreaking. Most of the "things" I feel I can help him with - either because of my professional skills or because I am free to set a good example. I am currently researching help for a couple of things we need support for. I will PM you.
Every single day I am glad that I left because of that boy. More than half his life is normal and I am now strong enough to get him support to deal with the rest.
I'm sure that with the level of self-awareness you're exhibiting you will be able to mitigate the risk.
"IMHO, this surge of your true, happy, strong self emerging is far more rewarding than waiting for this loser to realise what a twunt he's been"
Certainly, that feeling today was an addictive one. You've all said "it aint gonna happen" and, having been (even very recently) still desperate for him to just wake up and open his eyes and SEE, I'm very suddenly past it. Last night I read all your posts and it's like I have been working up to a moment of "click", realisation, and last it it came. Today, I woke up feeling like I don't need him to see. I bet on his deathbed he'll still be cursing me. Today, it's obvious to me that it's much better to focus on the 2 magpies
great find, tallwivglasses
spirit it's a long hard road to reach this point. You have done all the mental work needed to get here; the last day or so was just the last little bit.
Two for joy, yes! Each day is a step forward now. 
Thanks MTB. It's amazing. For so long I spoke to no one about this and felt so alone. It's such a comfort to know other women have gone through the same thing and come out the other side to a much happier life. I am crapping myself at the thought of my new independence, with dependents. Hearing stories of life beyond the veil is very comforting.
And good for you that you found a man to love you right!
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