In asking for help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude (may be long)

[pingu2209]

This sounds really pathetic but I would really appreciate some help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude towards me and housework.

DH is really annoid at me about the state of the house and the amount of washing that has not been put away. However, he does't help me AT ALL in the house, he just moans and moans at what I haven't done. I can't speak to him about it as he is so angry and he goads me as I am talking to him. I want to write him a letter that he can read it again and my side of the story sinks in.

So many of you write excellent responses to posts on here, that I believe you could come with some great scentences and lines that I can use in my letter to DH.

My DH works full time in the City and commutes for 1 hour 20 mins each way. He has a stressful job and earns a good wage. I am a dinner lady working 5 days a week, 9 till 3 in the village we live in. I walk a mile each way every day, have little stress but it is an active job for 5 hours a day (plus my walk).

His salary pays for the mortgage, cars, utilities, food, clothes. My salary (£540/month) pays for the luxuries such as the children's after school and weekend activities, take aways, cinema trips, babysitters etc.

Before and after school I look after our 3 children, aged 5, 7 and 9. The 9 year old has SEN and has major temper tantrums regularly. Mon, Tues and Wed I have a full schedule of after school activities and either a Thurs or Fri we have a play date.

On a Saturday my dh takes DS2 to football for an hour in the morning, whilst I take DS1 and DD to swimming. Swimming is 1 1/2 hours (lesson followed by a swim club), DD doesn't swim so I have to keep her entertained for the 90 mins.

On a Sunday morning both boys play rugby for 2 hours. All of us go as DH feels it is 'family time' where 1 parent watches 1 boy and the other parent watches the other boy - and looks after DD.

After football and rugby I cook a meal for the 5 of us for lunch, do washing of clothes, shopping and tidy the kitchen. DH likes a roast on a Sunday too. I then look after DS2 and DD for the afternoon by taking them to the park, doing arts and crafts with them and doing their homework with them. Once that is done I start all over again on cooking dinner for the 5 of us.

DH is tired all the time and his way of relaxing is to sit in front of the TV. DS1 would easily sit with him and watch TV for hours on end. But DS2 and DD won't do that so whilst he is 'looking after DS1' I am trying to keep DS2 and DD entertained. But that is the 'harder' job. DH WONT not watch TV as he says it is his only time to relax after his extremely hard job.

DH does nothing. No washing, no cleaning, no cooking, no tidying of the kitchen, no shopping, no housework at all. He doesn't even put the bins out. He will eat a meal and leave all his dirty plates on the dining table and walks out of the room to the TV, expecting me to clear everything away.

All of this I do not mind, I would put up with all of it, have done for 16 years! What I can't stand is that DH gets into the greatest of bad moods because the house is messy with the biggest issue of all being that although there are clean clothes, they are not put away in the wardrobes and drawers. They are in a massive pile on the landing. We have to riffle through them each day to find what we need to wear.

I HATE putting the washing away. Every now and then I will sort it into 5 piles and each person has to put their own clothes away. The children hate doing it, but as I do everything else I really don't think it is too much to ask. However, DH COMPLAINS that he has to put his own clothes away too!!!!

I'm not saying I don't have time to rest and relax, I have about 1/2 hour in the mornings and about 90 mins on a Thurs and Fri evening. I spend my R&R drinking coffee and sitting in front of my computer on Facebook or Mumsnet! But I am allowed some time to myself surely.

DH is all pissy because he can't find the boys' rugby gear for tomorrow morning. Yes it is a nightmare going through Ben Nevis of clothes, but he does nothing so I don't think he has the right to complain.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable generally? Would you help with some lines that I can use in my letter?

[RobotLover68]

What Expatinscotland said

Dear Mr Pingu

I'm knackered. Either pitch in and help or fuck the fuck off and I'll do it on my own without anyone criticising my standards

signed

Mrs Pingu

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

OP - I often remind myself of some guidance someone gave me about raising children. "Is this the way you want things to be for the next 18 years?" It works for relationships too.

The problem you have is you've got to unwind 16 years of bad behaviour - and it is very bad, lazy, selfish behaviour.

If you can't be having a sensible conversation with him about how warped all this is, then you've got much much bigger problems than laundry, I'm afraid.

Do you want this continue for the rest of your life?

[clam]

@ hissy
To be fair, dh has spent the last four weeks working 13 hour days, shopping, cooking, cleaning, fetching and carrying for me, bringing me countless cups of tea, breakfasts in bed, ferrying the kids here there and everywhere. My one contribution to the feast was to sort the underwear from the comfort of my sofa/bed for someone else to put away in drawers. I'm not LTB just yet!

[PrincessUnderpaid]

H and I had a similar situation, don't get me wrong he's usually very helpful but he seemed to believe in the washing fairy and I'd had enough, so I just stopped washing his clothes, he noticed after his work gear wasn't ready on a Monday morning and then freaked out, messed around with the quick wash and had a reasonably damp and miserable day. I now get a LOT of of help with the washing.

[peggyblackett]

Well said expat (as usual). It boggles my mind why anyone would think that pingu's DH is being even reasonable. DH and I both hold down demanding management roles, have 3 kids (one of whom is profoundly disabled) and manage to have a relatively tidy home. How do we do it? By sharing everything.

I hope you manage to get it sorted pingu, but I think the problem is much bigger than a few items of unfolded laundry.

[TurnipCake]

Bloody hell some replies on this thread are heartsinking.

OP, you want advice on writing a letter because you're desperately trying to get him to empathise and see things from your perspective.

That ain't going to happen.

Let's take a look at things from his perspective?

He will never hire a cleaner - he already has one - you. You are a cleaning appliance he has sexual access to. Not even clearing away his dishes after supper? He treats you beneath contempt.

To get a shift in his actions (i.e. not being a lazy, entitled git) you need a shift in his fundamental attitude, conscious and unconscious thoughts and probably undoing things he saw throughout his childhood - rather like your children are seeing now. If he won't lift a bloody plate, think you're going to have any luck in changing him and getting him to show you, the mother of his children, a shred of respect.

[ledkr]

Dear mr pingu.
Who the actual fuck do you think you are eh?
If you want a shirt sort it yourself fgs you are not disabled in anyway and I am not your fucking maid.
You are not a king and owning a penis does not mean you have to have everything done for you.
I was not put on this earth to see to your every whim and have the same right to happiness and fulfilment as you do.
So I'm not doing it anymore.
What you gonna do about that then eh?

[kittybiscuits]

There are some shocking posts on this thread OP. You were clear in what you asked for and I'm appalled by the 'I've got 14 children and I still manage to put the washing away so my lazy twat of a husband can sit on his arse watching telly' brigade. Glad to see some sensible suggestions that might might give your H the necessary rocket he needs. Have you decided what you're going to do about him yet?

[neontetra]

Pingu it is a shame you are not married to me, sorting the clothes is about the one household task I actually do, while my dh does all the others! To be fair, I also do most of the child-care at evenings and weekends. I am aware I can be guilty of taking dh for granted at times, though, and assuming that because he works shorter and more flexible hours it is fine for him to do everything - which it isnt, of course. If you still love your dh and think he loves you and want to be with him, then you must find a way of showing him how his behaviour is hurting you, and how he is taking you for granted. Not angrily, i would suggest, as this may provole a defensive reaction. But if you show him how unhappy you are, then if he still loves you he should listen. I would.

[Hissy]

flouncing this thread started life in AIBU, and the oh so spechul blend of posters there did the tiresome and misplaced shark-circling, blood in the water attack thing, looking for the most opportune way to kick a poster, regardless of what her real circumstances are.

The first flurry of bullshit posts was what prompted the request to move it to here.

I'm hoping that there'll be better support for the OP here.

[DowntonTrout]

Can I suggest that HE clears up after your evening meal while you do what needs to be done with the children.

Instead of you both sitting down at 7.30 if you both did 30 mins of jobs that would amount to 5 hours of stuff that didn't need doing at the weekend (by you!) You would both be finished by 8pm so not much difference and you would both still feel you were getting down time, plus that 5 hours you have freed up could be proper family time.

I know the problem is getting him to see that. But just a little bit every day adds up to a lot over a week.

[BeCool]

As everyone has commented there are lots of changes to be made to equal things up.

I'd just like to suggest that the one thing that can change with immediate effect is all this shirt ironing. Pingu please let this fully functioning grown adult take care of his own fecking shirts for a start. I can't think why on earth you would be doing them?

[BalloonSlayer]

oooh OP please don't leave your tumble dryer on when you're out of the house or asleep. They catch fire so easily. < frets >

[Bobyan]

Reading Frustrated's post just made me bring up a little bit of sick in my mouth.

Thankyou muchly my lovely sexy DH?!?!

WTAF are we reading different treads? She's his wife, not his slave.

[frustratedworkingmum]

Err, i was being ironic!

[pingu2209]

I thought I would give you all feedback. I have not ironed DH shirts this week at all, he keeps saying it is PMT. Then today we both had the day off to visit DS1's special school for his annual review.

School is an hour away and on the way home he asked me if I had calmed down and would I be ironing his shirt this evening. I said no as they were his shirts and he could iron them himself.

I said that walking through our front door was like walking into the 1950s as he did nothing and I did everything. I said that we needed to discuss his attitude to me being his maid and waitress, as well as cook and cleaner.

He said that he had a fair point over the amount of washing that had built up and needed to be put away. I said that if he could see the washing pile needed to be put away, why did he spend 3-4 hours watching TV on Saturday afternoon whilst I was cooking and doing the children's homework with them? He said that hardly any of the clothes were his, and that the majority were the children's clothes. I said that as the children were 'ours' he should have helped with their washing too.

I was on a role.

I said that as I did the cooking and all the planning and shopping for the food/household bills, that he should at least clear the table up after eating, not just walk away and leave me to clear the table when he went in to the lounge to watch TV. I said that he was treating me like a waitress.

I then said that it wasn't on for him to go to bed and leave me downstairs alone to iron his shirt each night. It was taking the piss.

I said there was active and passive childcare and that him watching TV with DS1 was passive but leaving me to spend hours on arts and crafts every weekend afternoon was active childcare.

I said that he never takes the bins out any more and over the spring and summer pays for someone to come and mow the lawn, so he doesn't even do the garden either.

I said that if there were 100 jobs to do in the house, I could only fit in the time to do 80 of them. He doesn't value the 80 I do, but moans about the 20 I do not. I said that he has no right to moan when he doesn't even do 1 of them.

So far it had been a calm, but firm and one way conversation, but then DH tried to tell me how to do the washing pile so that it was to his liking; I flipped my lid. I said don't give me fucking housekeeping advice when you do bugger all. I said that this wasn't about the housekeeping, it was about his attitude.

He was quiet and said nothing. When we got home, before we got out of the car, he said that he knew I was right but that he didn't like housework and wanted me to do it. He would rather I gave up my (very badly paid) job and I kept a tidy house but he knew that wasn't fair. He said that he would try and do more.

I felt a bit better, but after the 2 mins it took to leave the car and get to the front door, as we walked in, he asked "so, are you really not going to iron my shirts for me any more?"

I have a feeling this is not over.

[Lueji]

Good on you for having this conversation.

My usual line of reply would have been that I hate housework too. And I'd rather pay someone to do it and work elsewhere.

If he asks again if you are going to iron his shirt, you can ask him what he is going to do while you iron it.

And you can also remind him that if when he is living alone, then he has to do 100% housework.

Good luck with it. :)

[Lueji]

He said that he would try and do more.

That's not good enough, is it? Trying.
He should be promising to do more. He should specify what he was going to do from now on, even.

It reminds me of a recent episode of "Little Mosque".
The use of "I'll look into it" to avoid doing something the person didn't want to do.

In any case, please don't iron any more shirts, or do his clothes until he really contributes properly. Even so, leave it as conditional of him keeping up with it.

[expatinscotland]

'he said that he knew I was right but that he didn't like housework and wanted me to do it. He would rather I gave up my (very badly paid) job and I kept a tidy house but he knew that wasn't fair. He said that he would try and do more.

I felt a bit better, but after the 2 mins it took to leave the car and get to the front door, as we walked in, he asked "so, are you really not going to iron my shirts for me any more?"

I have a feeling this is not over.'

WTF. He wants you to skivvy. He's not going to do shit. And this whole thing with his being tight with money.

Pingu, the writing's on the wall here.

Do not back down and start ironing his fucking shirts.

He sees you as a domestic appliance.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

God, where did all the stepford wives come from with their laundry-sorting advice? Is this one of those wind-ups by Greensleeves?

If this is real, then that last conversation sounds good. I would just add 'you don't like doing housework/laundry? Well, guess what? Nor do I! So, what shall we do? How can we get the kids to do it instead?

[manicbmc]

Well done for calmly saying your piece. I really hope he stops being a dick.

[Jux]

Oh well done, pingu! Stick to it.

I firmly believe that adults are equally responsible for their environment, so he is as responsible for the state of the house et al, as you are. So glad you're not ironing his shirts (may I suggest that if he is not helpful, then you stop washing his clothes too, just do the kids' stuff). He needs to set an example to his children, just as much as you do.

(My pet hate is people who won't clear their own dishes; dh is guilty of this, but is gradually getting the idea that no-one here is his waitress.)