In asking for help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude (may be long)

[pingu2209]

This sounds really pathetic but I would really appreciate some help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude towards me and housework.

DH is really annoid at me about the state of the house and the amount of washing that has not been put away. However, he does't help me AT ALL in the house, he just moans and moans at what I haven't done. I can't speak to him about it as he is so angry and he goads me as I am talking to him. I want to write him a letter that he can read it again and my side of the story sinks in.

So many of you write excellent responses to posts on here, that I believe you could come with some great scentences and lines that I can use in my letter to DH.

My DH works full time in the City and commutes for 1 hour 20 mins each way. He has a stressful job and earns a good wage. I am a dinner lady working 5 days a week, 9 till 3 in the village we live in. I walk a mile each way every day, have little stress but it is an active job for 5 hours a day (plus my walk).

His salary pays for the mortgage, cars, utilities, food, clothes. My salary (£540/month) pays for the luxuries such as the children's after school and weekend activities, take aways, cinema trips, babysitters etc.

Before and after school I look after our 3 children, aged 5, 7 and 9. The 9 year old has SEN and has major temper tantrums regularly. Mon, Tues and Wed I have a full schedule of after school activities and either a Thurs or Fri we have a play date.

On a Saturday my dh takes DS2 to football for an hour in the morning, whilst I take DS1 and DD to swimming. Swimming is 1 1/2 hours (lesson followed by a swim club), DD doesn't swim so I have to keep her entertained for the 90 mins.

On a Sunday morning both boys play rugby for 2 hours. All of us go as DH feels it is 'family time' where 1 parent watches 1 boy and the other parent watches the other boy - and looks after DD.

After football and rugby I cook a meal for the 5 of us for lunch, do washing of clothes, shopping and tidy the kitchen. DH likes a roast on a Sunday too. I then look after DS2 and DD for the afternoon by taking them to the park, doing arts and crafts with them and doing their homework with them. Once that is done I start all over again on cooking dinner for the 5 of us.

DH is tired all the time and his way of relaxing is to sit in front of the TV. DS1 would easily sit with him and watch TV for hours on end. But DS2 and DD won't do that so whilst he is 'looking after DS1' I am trying to keep DS2 and DD entertained. But that is the 'harder' job. DH WONT not watch TV as he says it is his only time to relax after his extremely hard job.

DH does nothing. No washing, no cleaning, no cooking, no tidying of the kitchen, no shopping, no housework at all. He doesn't even put the bins out. He will eat a meal and leave all his dirty plates on the dining table and walks out of the room to the TV, expecting me to clear everything away.

All of this I do not mind, I would put up with all of it, have done for 16 years! What I can't stand is that DH gets into the greatest of bad moods because the house is messy with the biggest issue of all being that although there are clean clothes, they are not put away in the wardrobes and drawers. They are in a massive pile on the landing. We have to riffle through them each day to find what we need to wear.

I HATE putting the washing away. Every now and then I will sort it into 5 piles and each person has to put their own clothes away. The children hate doing it, but as I do everything else I really don't think it is too much to ask. However, DH COMPLAINS that he has to put his own clothes away too!!!!

I'm not saying I don't have time to rest and relax, I have about 1/2 hour in the mornings and about 90 mins on a Thurs and Fri evening. I spend my R&R drinking coffee and sitting in front of my computer on Facebook or Mumsnet! But I am allowed some time to myself surely.

DH is all pissy because he can't find the boys' rugby gear for tomorrow morning. Yes it is a nightmare going through Ben Nevis of clothes, but he does nothing so I don't think he has the right to complain.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable generally? Would you help with some lines that I can use in my letter?

[clam]

We are currently having a stand-off about putting laundry away. I'm meant to be doing it (sorting the non-iron stuff into people piles) but I said I'd do it when dh has helped me to change the sheets on the beds - or done them himself (I have a broken leg and can't do it alone). He hasn't done so, so the over-flowing laundry basket remains on the floor in the corner of the bedroom. He's made a couple of sarky remarks about it, which I've returned right back.

Are you scared of your dh, pingu?

[Hissy]

spirited, this bloke is not going to want to take the kids.... Not his job, and besides OP needs no OFF time.

Clam, you have a broken leg? FFS, that is when you do FUCK ALL housework for crying out loud. Get him to give you the stuff to sort out into piles from the comfort of the SOFA!

HE takes it up and puts it away.

IF your iron can adjust to a position where you can SIT on a chair and do it, then OK, if not, HE does it.

How fucking dare he make sarky comments. You have a broken LEG ffs.

[Hissy]

Clam, he sleeps on the bed, if he wants to continue to do so, he can change the sheets too.

[Rikalaily]

My dp doesn't do any laundry at all and not much cleaning but the difference is I am a full time SAHM and he does help out with other stuff. We have 4 kids, 3 at school, toddler at home, he works usually from 4am to 4pm (his job involves alot of driving and manual labour). He sorts the bins, all decorating, gardening & DIY, helps bath/shower kids, settles the youngest to sleep every night, cooks at the weekend and sometimes on weeknights, does all of the food shopping, walks the dog, cleans up most of the dog poop, loads the dishwasher, washes any pans etc that have to be hand washed and tidies the kitchen after dinner when I cook.

But most of all he never ever moans if something isn't done, he knows that if his clothes are not in the wash basket, they won't get washed. If I ask him to do something (like hoover up etc) he'll do it. I get a lie in on a Sunday, if downstairs needs hoovering he'll do it and he always cleans the kitchen then too if it needs doing (usually doesn't as it's done after dinner) at a minimum he'll empty the dishwasher, wipe the sides down etc.

I hate washing too and with 6 of us there is ALOT. I mainly keep on top of it by folding everything into individual persons piles as soon as it's washed and dried (rarely iron) so it's ready to be put away straight away. The school age kids put thier own washing away and they tidy thier own rooms, I'll give them a good once over every now and then but they know that the floor needs to be clear and the furniture neat and tidy so I can hoover and dust in there.

Your husbands attitude stinks and he needs a major kick up the arse, you're supposed to be a team, supposed to be supporting each other but for the last decade and a half you have been holding up everything, I'm not suprised you are knackered. Stuff the letter, just show him this thread. He should be ashamed about leaving his dirty dishes and clothes for you to pick up after him like a 3 year old, ashamed about leaving you to work into the evening while he sits on his arse in front of the tv and ashamed for moaning and whining at you when he could chip in and get on with it and everything would be done before the kids bedtime. Most of all he should be ashamed for behaving like a spoiled, entitled mummies boy, if he were single he's have to wash his own clothes, cook his own meals and clean up his own crap. You are his wife, not his skivvy and anything you do for him you do out of choice, not because it's your JOB and he needs to understand that and appreciate you a million times more.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

I started reading this last night and was torn between and at the first clutch of posters telling you to just out the laundry away.

Now, I haven't read all replies but I do hope some people have pointed out that your H is setting the worst kind of example for your children, all of them, as well as treating you abominably?

The fact that your H more or less insists upon your DD spending her whole weekend trailing round after your DSes' activities also worries me - it seems she is being trained to learn that girls/women are not important in that respect too. It's really not fair on her.

[poozlepants]

Dh can be a lazy arse as well and I would suggest writing down all the things you have down in the past week with the amount of time I spent doing it. Include all things family related including helping with homework etc. Give it to him and ask him to find somethings on the list to redress the balance. If he doesn't then stop ironing his shirts, washing his pants etc. I stopped ironing DH's shirts as he complained once too often that I did a crap job. He moaned and groaned but in the end he had to do them himself.
I am liking whoevers idea it was to have boxes for everyone clothes- I think I might do that as we all hate putting clotes away as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Pingu

This was never an AIBU in the first place; I hope you realise that now. Its not about the laundry either; that's just the tip of a very big iceberg.

Your mistake has been to put up with his shoddy treatment for so long (perhaps thinking that once he was married to you he would change and be more helpful at home. Wrong on all counts there as has been proven).

Your H treats you as both a skivvy and underpaid and overworked housekeeper; how do you think your children view you?. Probably the same as he does. Your H is showing them what he likely learnt from his parents as a child i.e woman does all the housework whilst man works in office and does nothing at home. I would put a pound on it that his own mother runs around after her son and her H even now.

What do you want to teach them about relationships Pingu - all that both of you are doing currently is teaching them damaging lessons about relationships and how they are conducted.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I can't believe the 'put the washing away' avice. FGS this women is doing EVERYTHING as it is. Ok your dh has a stressful job but so do you; putting up with his crap. Why can't HE put the washing away/

[Imaginethat]

I know it's not the point but how is the rugby morning family time given that you are split, and when does dd get to have the others watching/waiting on her? Sounds as though the needs of the males in your house are prioritised over the females

[wordyBird]

No you aren't being unreasonable. This is a deeply unfair situation. You BOTH work full time: in your case you work a long p/t day AND care for house and children, which is longer hours than he does.

However, he has time to himself while you do housework and care for the children. You have so little time to yourself you actually know how many minutes per week it is.

He does nothing at all, and doesn't even clear his own plates?? Surely you would expect your children to contribute more than that, never mind your H!

He complains if something isn't to his liking, rather than tackle the job himself....

You pay for children's luxuries out of your p/t salary, while he actually works in the City. Well correct me if I'm wrong, but salaries there tend to be far higher than average. Do you have an allowance yourself? Does he pay for children's luxuries too? Because, whilst he does pay the bills, I would imagine there is quite a bit left over; and I have a feeling you personally are not being treated as an equal, financially.

He is coming across as childish and entitled, and worse.

...and now I see Hissy has had this moved to Relationships - bravo Hissy. You are now in the right place, pingu, for you have a more serious problem than laundry here.

[biff23]

I couldn't cope with this at all. He's being very lazy and unreasonable. I had similar but dh would happily do things if I asked him, he just doesn't see what needs doing. We made up a rota for every chore, every day and split them. Worked a treat. We stuck it on kitchen door and there was no ambiguity. After laundry, I sort all clothes into piles on our bed, I deal with mine and dad's, dh sorts his and ds's.

You definitely need to sort this out or you will burn out.

[pingu2209]

My DD is still only 5 and she does Rainbows on a Monday, swimming lesson on a Tuesday and a church club on a Wednesday. Thursday/Friday we have a play date, sometimes it is her friends, sometimes the boys.

I want her to join Stage Coach for 3 hours on a Saturday but their age groups are 4-6 and 6-11. As she will be 6 at the end of July she would only be in their youngest group for a few months before moving up.

I am aware that DD doesn't do anything for her at the weekend, but she will do from September onwards.

I think I should be totally honest (not that I haven't been), but I don't do anything (other than iron DH shirt) after putting the DC to bed at 7.30. So I watch TV/look at my laptop whilst my DH is also doing nothing/watching TV.

My routine is generally to get up at 7 and have a coffee and scan of Facebook/Mumsnet for half an hour, whilst also getting the children their breakfast. The laptop is on the dining table so I drink my coffee whilst they eat. I then ensure they are dressed (no mean feat), have their dinner money, their book bags are all ready, teeth brushed, and get myself washed and dressed. I put a load of washing on and put wet clothes in the dryer before we leave the house at 8.30.

After school is manic. I am out (or going back and forth) of the house until 5.30 on Monday, 6.30 on Tuesday and 7.00 on a Wednesday. The only days that are more relaxed are Thursday and Friday. I have a coffee and look at my lap top whilst I am cooking the dinner and clean the kitchen up etc.

If I did housework after 7.30 it would mean more is done, but I'm knackared. I have been on the go in a physical job all day. I just want to sit down. Do does DH. I accept that the house is a mess and that is the quid pro quo of getting evenings to just rest. My DH doesn't accept that, he thinks I should do the housework/put washing away.

If I suggested to DH that he does more on a week night I know he would say that he was too tired after a long commute and hard stressful day. He can't see that I have also had a long day and I want to sit down too.

[Lueji]

From previous suggestion (which was great):

Dear husband,

Grow the fuck up, I am not your mother nor am I your maid.
We are getting a cleaner and you will start pulling your weight around the house. Its state is just your responsibility as well as mine.
I suggest you start doing X, Y and Z (open to negotiation by exchange with other chores).

(and to finish it off, for the great MN motto)
Or, fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.
And, in the process, tidy up and clean your own home and handle the children every other weekend and 2-3 days per week.

Love wife.

PS - don't bother arguing this.

[Hissy]

Darling, this is not about you clocking in and justifying what you do all day.

this is simply a matter of you saying 'I do everything, and IF i ask for help It's opposed vehemently'

That is your situation WRT the house/kids/life.

It's a symptom of your situation, it's the real, every day manifestation of being in a relationship with a man that has no respect for you or for his family, that is entitled to insult you and complain where as you are NOT.

Your boys are growing up in an unbalanced and WRONG environment, you are witnessing them being trained to go on and be the same as their dad, and your DD the same as you.

Either they will stay single forever as young girls of their age will be brought up with enough self respect and sense of equality to reject dinosaurs such as these, or better kick their arses into line.

Your DD will most likely end up in an abusive relationship. Her very life will potentially be at risk.

I know you are worn down, feeling beaten and helpless, that's what has happened to you these last 16 years, (and I'd suggest more, perhaps in your own childhood) but you have the strength to do something about this.

You don't know your true strength. Look at all this crap you have put up with your entire marriage? All this time and only know you are asking if this is crazy. It is, and YANBU.

From today, your eyes are open, you can see that no-one should live like this, and your children are suffering and will do so in the future, it YOU don't end this situation now.

I'm not saying LTB right now, but you need to send a clear shot across the bows, that he shapes up, or ships out. You have reached the end of aa very long tether.

I know the strength it takes to do this, but it has to be done. As I said earlier, you may need counselling to help you garner that strength, but there is no plan b.

If you can't quite do this for yourself, please do it for your DC, this is of of the WORST kinds of upbringing they could possibly have.

In the long run, any upheaval will be worth it.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

IIWY I would register your DD now for the 4-6 group, which she can presumably still be in while she is 6. 6-11 is such a huge span of abilities and interests that she might enjoy the younger one initially. She can move in a year when she's nearer to 7.
Presuming the boys do activities in the week too, is there any way of sharing ferrying with other parents? Your schedule sounds exhausting.

I think if you both pitched in in the evenings you probably wouldn't mind doing the laundry so much, tbh. It's a rare parent of young dc that gets to sit down at 7.30 IMO and E. (Ours aren't in bed that early, admittedly - it is a bit early for the 9 and 7yo perhaps? Or do they get time to read in bed?) I do more in the evenings than dh (he works 45+ hours out of the house, I work 25h from home and do school runs etc.), but he gets up first and gives the dc their breakfast, so I don't mind.

I don't think your dh 'can't' see that you're busy and tired too. I think it's more that he won't.

[OneHandFlapping]

I feel like I've stepped back in time to the 1950s here.

Why are so many posters coming up with helpful suggestions for folding the laundry?

The main problem, Pingu, is that your DH is a lazy arse who thinks his sole contribution to the household should be financial (and doubtless sexual too). This leaves you with all the childcare and domestic shit, despite the fact that you work too.

There is no fairness or equality in your relationship at the moment, and I suspect he won't change.

[expatinscotland]

Gees! My dad had to do his university degrees in the evening, after a full day at work. He used to go straight from work to uni, till 9 or 10PM, Mon-Thursday. So his day stretched from 6AM-10PM 4 days, a week.

On Friday after work, because he had no classes, he'd bring home a pizza dinner on the way home from work and then take over my sister and me. All day Saturday, he'd take us out of the house entirely. All morning and afternoon.

Sundays in between studying he'd muck in at home as much as possible.

Never complained. And he was in his mid-30s, no spring chook, when he finished. He said that's what a person does or don't become a parent.

When he had to work abroad, first thing he did was suggest a cleaner and gardener to help my mother when he was away.

No separation of finanaces, what he made was family money.

And he ironed his own shirts because he didn't see my mother as a maid.

They've been happily married nearly 49 years.

[frustratedworkingmum]

Wow - Pingu you do not have to justify your routine to your DH, much less to a group of random women on here.

Instead of a bunfight - can we not just do what the OP has asked. She doesn#t want a row with her DH, she doesn't want to tell him he is a lazy arse (he isn't, he clearly works hard) but she wants to tell him that she needs him to help her more. If she doesn't this resentment is going to fester and take her relationship to a place that she doesn't want it to go. Not good.

If i were you pingu i would write something along these lines.

Dear Mr Pingu

I could really use some help, I know that you work really hard and give your job 100% and I appreciate that you do that for us. BUT i work equally as hard to facilitate that, i take care of the children and the house and I am happy in my role. However, I AM struggling with the fact that at the weekends I am not getting a break and would feel we were working more as a team if you could help me with XY and Z (or maybe be less specific if you haven't thought about what you need help with). Simple things like helping clear the dishes whilst you probaby just "forgets" to do it, would be of great help to me and make me feel less taken for granted. Also, if we pull together a bit on the chores it will leave more family time that we could spend together, not just watching the kids do their thing, but actually doing stuff together. Could we perhaps enlist the kids help here? get them to help by putting their laundry away? Then All i need to do is put it on their beds for them. I really don't like that particular job so some help there would be great?

I hope you don't mind me writing this down becuase i dont want you to think i am criticising, just asking for a bit of teamwork as we have got into this routine now and i'm finding it a bit rubbish. I appreciate that you are tired, but I am tired too - would you want to work 7 days a week with no rest? It would be too mundane and monontonous, and your company don't expect this of you. I kknow family life needs attention every day but working together will make it feel less of a chore at weekends?

Thankyou muchly, my lovely, sexy, DH, now - what shall we have for dinner tonight? Do you want to fetch some wine on the way home and i'll cook us our favourite meal and we can talk about how we move forward?

[frustratedworkingmum]

oh, sorry, i didnt realise that you worked too - i dont know why i missed that, i read it in the op - daft mare - all the more reason to be asking for some teamwork - not help, its not YOUR job, its both of your jobs to be parents. I would definately second the cleaner option - you absolutely CAN ask a cleaner to fold laundry as part of her role - im sure there will be cleaners who think that is quite a nice little job actually.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You both should have equal amounts of leisure time and equal access to finances.

He is definitely a lazy, entitled and selfish man and you are enabling this behaviour although its good that you are doing something about this now. I agree with those who say that the situation is setting poor examples to your DC.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

(and if you get nowhere, I would stop doing all his chores - let him do his own washing, ironing, cooking etc)

[FlouncingMintyy]

Reading your op made me feel really sad op.

Am also beyond disgusted that your first flurry of replies are either having a go at you for not putting the washing away or making suggestions for finding ways to do it.

I despair of Mumsnet, sometimes, I really do!

[FlouncingMintyy]

Reading your op made me feel really sad op.

Am also beyond disgusted that your first flurry of replies are either having a go at you for not putting the washing away or making suggestions for finding ways to do it.

I despair of Mumsnet, sometimes, I really do!

[expatinscotland]

'Dear Mr Pingu

I could really use some help, I know that you work really hard and give your job 100% and I appreciate that you do that for us. BUT i work equally as hard to facilitate that, i take care of the children and the house and I am happy in my role. However, I AM struggling with the fact that at the weekends I am not getting a break and would feel we were working more as a team if you could help me with XY and Z (or maybe be less specific if you haven't thought about what you need help with). Simple things like helping clear the dishes whilst you probaby just "forgets" to do it, would be of great help to me and make me feel less taken for granted. Also, if we pull together a bit on the chores it will leave more family time that we could spend together, not just watching the kids do their thing, but actually doing stuff together. Could we perhaps enlist the kids help here? get them to help by putting their laundry away? Then All i need to do is put it on their beds for them. I really don't like that particular job so some help there would be great?

I hope you don't mind me writing this down becuase i dont want you to think i am criticising, just asking for a bit of teamwork as we have got into this routine now and i'm finding it a bit rubbish. I appreciate that you are tired, but I am tired too - would you want to work 7 days a week with no rest? It would be too mundane and monontonous, and your company don't expect this of you. I kknow family life needs attention every day but working together will make it feel less of a chore at weekends?

Thankyou muchly, my lovely, sexy, DH, now - what shall we have for dinner tonight? Do you want to fetch some wine on the way home and i'll cook us our favourite meal and we can talk about how we move forward?'

No wonder there are so many miserable women married to self-entitled, disrespectful twats on this board.

Thank you for treating me like shit. Treating me like a skivvy is so sexy and lovely, let me lick your arse cook your dinner some more. I don't want to upset you, baby, but could you please consider wiping your own arse from time to time? No? Okay, well, thought I'd ask.

[expatinscotland]

Is the cleaner going to bring her server friend every night to clear his plate after he's eaten? Is she coming every evening to iron his shirt?

Oh, that's right! The cleaner isn't coming at all because the lazy husband is too tight to hire one (and the OP doesn't have access to his money, from the sounds of it).