How do you keep going?

[JustFoldingStars]

Hi all - wondered if anyone could offer some advice or words of wisdom on how I can move forward with my life.

I split from EXP last October. He had a new partner by November. He didn't tell me about this new relationship - left it for me to stumble accross on FB. He introduced our DS to this woman before I even knew about her.

I am really really trying to keep myself going at the moment. I do not want to be with EXP, although I am still very fond of him. He has technically done nothing wrong (he could have handled the situation better but he didn't and there's nothing elither of us can do to change that). But I have found it really hard to accept that he could just replace me and his family that easily. It just feels like our whole past has been wiped away and meant nothing.

And I have to grin and bear it because he is still in my life due to DS. I can't deny him access because that would be totally wrong. I still have to be poilte and civil even though I just want to shut him out of my life and start afresh.

It feels like everytime I am pulling myself together I find out something new and it just knocks me down again. Is the only answer to give it time?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Time certainly helps. October is only a few months ago after all. Getting angry helps as well. How can he abandon you and your DS and still 'technically' have done nothing wrong? Are you saying the break-up entirely your fault? It's very prompt of him to find a new partner special enough to introduce to his son.... think he might have been seeing her before the split? Rather than being 'fond', locate your sense of outrage and the energy created will help. You do not have to grin and bear anything. You do not have to be polite. You are allowed to be mad as hell...

What also helps is to have something positive to look forward to, a goal to focus on, improvements, a long-term activity that makes you feel really good about yourself. Rather than just 'keeping going'... it's important to have something that's really worthwhile to do rather than drifting.

[FlatsInDagenham]

Agree that you need to find a little outrage. I mean, even if he did only start seeing her after the split, how irresponsible to be introducing your DS to her so soon! Could be very confusing for the little one, especially if the relationship doesn't last. Most responsible, thoughtful parents wait a good few months (and more) before they introduce a new partner to their children.

And besides, how rude to introduce them without even telling you! Not a great example of co-parenting. Or parenting full stop.

Get pissed off. (But be totally 'professional' with him.) And book yourself a holiday or something to inject a little joy into your own vision of the future.

[8rubberduckies]

I didn't want to read and run, as I am going through similar at the moment. XP and I split up in November, he moved out early December, and had his new GF and her kids for a sleepover on Boxing Night with our dc without me even knowing of their existence. He has admitted he didn't handle this well, but I was really angry and am now just disappointed.

I think he feels that because I am the one who instigated the split he has special allowances to act how he wants.

Try and view this behaviour as a bloody good example of his low emotional intelligence, a very good reason not to want to be in a relationship with him. I know it may make you feel easily replaceable, I now doubt every romantic or loving word or gesture my ex ever bestowed on me, but, rather than ever feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for him instead, as he, and your ex too, obviously have massive issues to feel the need to jump straight into something else so quick.

As for your DC, just carry on providing a steady, loving and stable home, with lots of.reassurance and hugs and make the most of your nights off

[JustFoldingStars]

Well he swears it wasn't going on before we split but something definitely changed - I can even pinpoint the day it happened. I don't suppose I'll ever know for certain and I suppose at the end of the day it won't change anything.

It was my final decision to split, but I do feel he pushed me so far that it was the only thing left. I know I can look back and be certain I did everything in my power to work things out - I don't think he say do the same. If I mention the speed of the new relationship he just says "Well what did you expect me to do - you didn't want me anymore". And I don't have an answer for that becuase I don't know what I expected from him.

I am angry. But I'm so tired of being angry. I keep reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for and how lucky I am to have DS and that I am a strong woman and can take care of both him and myself - I talk myself into feeling better. And then someone says something about EXP and/or new girlfriend and I just crumble.

This is so not like me! I just can't seem to get past the hurt and anger. I keep having random thoughts about hoping something awful will happen to me so I don't have to carry on, and that's terrible, I know it is, because what would happen to my poor little boy then.

I so want to just get a grip and pull myself together, but I can't seem to manage it.

[8rubberduckies]

I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Do you have RL support to help you out with day to day stuff and as a shoulder to cry on? Lighten your load as much as possible and rant here too.

Bear in mind that this is how he wants you to feel, he is probably very bitter that you dumped him. Don't let him see that he has got to you, let your understandable feelings of anger out with safe people in safe places. Someone else posted a few weeks ago with exactly the same problem, who decided Buddhist-like calm when dealing with ex was the way forward. I think exhibiting a lack of ruffled feathers will take the wind out of his sails.

OTOH He needs to know he has behaved irresponsibly as a parent, irrespective of your relationship. Have you pointed this out to him? I emailed my ex when I found out and told him that he was already doing a bad job of co-parenting, and all major decisions that affected our dc needed to be discussed by both of us from now in, and no bloody sleepovers for a few months.

It is really early days, it is bound to be tough. Please hang on in there, you have done the hard bit and got out of a relationship that has made you unhappy, soon you will reap the rewards of this tough time.

[JustFoldingStars]

Thank you 8rubberduckies, I really appreciate your posts, and yours Cogito and Flats

I don't actually have a lot of RL support - my family are about 3hours drive away and although they have been taking turns to come down for the weekend the snow has meant I haven't seen anyone for a few weeks. Maybe that's why I'm feeling low. I have some lovely friends who reassure me that I've done the right thing, DS is fine and it will get better, but they have their own lives and families - besides there's only so many times you can tell someone they're going to be ok!

I have been trying to be nice and polite and calm in front of him - he seems to take that as a sign to do whatever he wants. When I pulled him up on introducing DS to the new girlfriend he said he didn't think he had done anything wrong. His reasoning was that DS was safe, happy and that's all I need to know.

If there was something practical I could do to 'fix' things I'd feel better, but there's not! I will try follow Cogito's advice and find a goal to work towards to keep me focused on something positive.

Thank you again for your replies - it means a lot. I hope things are going ok for you as well, if you ever need a bit of a boost I'll be here

[8rubberduckies]

I am sure your friends close by would hate to think you don't feel like you can bother them any more. Plan as many fun things with them as you can. And is there any way of meeting up with other single Mums in your area so you can build up a new support network? Or maybe a break with your ds to where your family live may clear your head?

I am finding it tough being a single Mum, but even though it has only been 6 weeks it is getting easier, just doing little things like planning a couple of weekends this year and tagging along planning weekend stuff with friends and their kids.

I would recommend some.counselling too. I had some before I broke up with ex, not after. Only 5 sessions but it is still giving me strength.

[8rubberduckies]

weekends away