Normal people over here please! 
(tongue in cheek)
I am in a bad place with my husband. Basic story: married 15 years, 2 dc aged 10 and 9. I have been, at various times in our marriage, in full time work, part time work, voluntary unpaid work and as a SAHM (the last two overlap). We spent the last three years with me re-training for a new career, and I qualified this year. I'm now working f / t (flexible hours). New job meant a move of house, so moved to a new area in my home county and the county that DH knows best. DH has long term clinical depression, but says it's fine and under contro lwithmeds at the moment.
So far so good (except the depression). Except that, since we moved and I started my new job, dh has been mostly v. emotionally distant - he says he feels 'numb'. He had a big depressive episode in Sept-Oct, and it was absolutely horrible. He talked then about leaving me. He withdrew a lot over Christmas and I got quite worried about him from a MN POV, and started thinking about whether his meds were enough etc.
On New Year's Day I mentioned that, now that we are living in a nice big house with a big garden, we might think about getting a dog. His response was that he didn't want to complicate our lives with a dog. I asked if he felt that life was too complicated, and he responded by saying that for weeks, he'd been thinking about whether he still wanted to be with me. He said 'We'll always have a good relationship, even if the marriage fails', and 'I don't want you to think that I haven't thought of the kids in all of this.' His reason that he gave was that he didn't feel as though he has a role in our relationship any more, he's seen how capqable I am and he doesn't feel needed.
I was really shocked as I had no idea that he'd think this - I had thought that the October episode was an abberation. I was really upset and cuoldn't sleep that night. Next day, I went back to bed for a bit to catch up on sleep and he came in, and we talked - he ended up saying that he is committed to our relationship.
Then last night something sparked another conversation - I am struggling with my workload and have been ill over the last few weeks. He started off by responding positively, but then started saying that my workload is affecting our relationship and I' dbetter sort it out soon, before there's no mariage left to save. (I work about 45 hours a week). I said that sounded like a threat and he didn't really respond.
I have access to counselling through my work, and last night dh agreed to counselling, so I emailed the counsellor today but I haven't heard back yet.
The reality of dh's feelings (or lack) has hit me hard, and I've felt v. down today. Dh got home from work, tookone look at me, said 'You're not right'. Aftre a bit of chat I told him how hurt and upset I am with him. He ate his dinner in silence then went to bed at 7.30pm. We had talked about having sex tonight. 
Sorry it's so long. I just need to talk to someone who is normal and not me, or dh. My friends are all too far away (because we moved). What do I do? Dh has said I haven't done anything wrong. I'm more or less 100% sure that there isn't anyone else involved.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I need to talk to someone normal about my husband.
FeelingLousyAgain · 11/01/2013 20:28
FFS at him not being willing to work on himself re MH issues if you aren't staying. So he doesn't believe he has MH issues but is happy to trot them out if they can be used to manipulate you 
There are many many more red flags here but they have been covered by other posters. Glad you are seeing the light now OP.
Tipsy, sorry to hear about your experience :( You're right, MN is a lifeline - I think the anonymity really helps me. I am very 'naice' 
in RL, and 'naice' people would never talk about the really dark stuff that's gone on in my marriage.
So thank you all for being here.
Bullocks indeed!
And another thing (while I'm on a roll....) I've had so much of the 'well, marriage is hard...' type 'advice' this last month. So much 'well, you need to nurture your relationship' etc. I'm not knocking it as general advice, but most people who have taken it upon themselves to advise me have said this, more or less, without even really hearing what I have to say about the marriage first. (Sister, and a few colleagues being the exceptions). One, extremely clever, ridiculously highly educated woman told me that the man always has to be cleverer than the woman or the relationship doesn't work 
as if it were a universal given. (Her husband is even more lettered than she is). So it's my fault for being too clever.
Spleen-vent over! (for now, anyway...) 
Oooh, Educating Rita! Haven't read / seen that in a long time. 'It's getting the rhyme wrong.' Classic. (Might have to watch the movie one evening soon!)
Bleeeugh. Well, I've done the marriage counselling. H was pretty quiet and neutral - unlike the counsellor who told me that we can't 'work on things' until I let h come home. Are counsellors allowed to say things like that? She told me I'd need h's 'help' with the dc during half term, so I'd have to have him back by then. Oh, and to get a cleaner. 
Then she said 'Don't let anyone tell you that the kids will be all right [if you split]. They won't. Kids would rather their parents were together even if they're screaming and shouting at each other. It terrifies children when their parents split.'
I mean....really? This is a trained counsellor, who trains other counsellors, and she's pretty much putting pressure on me to have h back and to stay together for the children. As if I weren't feeling bad enough already! H and I drove home together and we both felt a bit at what she'd said, and h said that he'd rather we parted amicably than stayed together in a bad marriage.
I'm feeling in need of some quite considerable spleen-venting...
AF. I feel quite shaken by this evening, not by h, but by the counsellor. I think h found it hard too.
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