So it's not all in my head then:( (long)

[MerlotforOne]

Can't quite believe I'm writing this, but need to get it written down before I minimise it again.
This morning, DH and I both a bit tired, DS (3) acting up a bit. DH offered to take DS and dog for a walk so I could get some peace. DS was being difficult about getting his coat on and DH was acting as though his temper was getting strained. He muttered 'I don't work hard all week to come home to this!' And then pinned DS on the stone floor and wrestled him into his coat. DS was sobbing and I wanted to comfort him, bu DH snarled t me to go upstairs and let him get on with it. I would normally retreat at this point so as not to provoke him, but today I decided not to and stood m ground.

He asked me again to go and I said if he was upset he should take the dog out and clear his head, and leave DS with me. He said 'you really don't want to push me just now' and I asked why he was threatening me? He walked over and shoved me really hard through the doorway into the next room and onto the floor. DS saw this and ran over to me. We both somehow ended up upstairs and DH followed us up and stood there saying I was over-reacting as it was only a shove had provoked him so i deserved the shove.

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy . I refused to let DH touch me and he told me again I was overreacting and denied the comment about me deserving it, said I had made that up. He then took DS and went for the walk. I haven't been able to send being in the same room all day, but daren't leave in case he gets really angry and does something worse.

He has only physically assaulted me once before, 8 years ago on holiday, and was so drunk at that time that he passed out and claimed no memory of it. He can be grumpy and I feel I walk on eggshells and that I have to justify myself a lot. Since the incident 8 years ago, I've always backed down before he lost his temper, and fooled myself that he'd changed, but I discovered mumsnet 6m ago and have been reading a lot on this board and feeling increasingly uneasy that quite a lot f it applied to me.

He is not at all financially controlling, but was very jealous and quite controlling of my social life (back when I had one) and can be quite argumentative after a drink (not that he drinks much these days). He can also be loving and affectionate and we have long periods of time where everything seems fine, but I've been excusing his behaviour for a very long time and now there are really no excuses left.

Don't know what to do really. Thoroughly miserable and very confused.

[harryhausen]

I've been lurking on this thread and watching with hope for you Merlot.

Well done for calling your parents. Seriously, well done.

My sister has been married to an angry alcoholic for 20 years. She lives across the other side of the world with 3 teenage dc's. Her husbands behaviour has always been 'the Elephant in the Room'.
This summer we had our annual visit from her and her dc's. She broke down, told us all about her 'walking on egg shells life'. How her husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to her and her dc's. She declared that she'd reached a watershed and didn't want to go back with him. Me and my parents started to make plans for this.

Then he snapped his fingers and she went back. I was heartbroken. She didn't talk to me for weeks as I think I reminded her of the reality of what her life is. She talks to me now as if nothing has happened. She's a strong, confident and popular woman - but cannot find any strength to fight against him.

Not an hour goes by that I'm not worrying about her. I wish she'd been as strong as you years ago

Huge love and support to you Merlot xx

[ChasedByBees]

Wishing you much strength Merlot. Well done for leaving, you're already setting an excellent example for your son. I know it's hard but please do report him to the police though. Otherwise there is the risk that he will have unsupervised access to your son and pin him down, sobbing (or worse, discipline him with 'only' a hard slap smack) when you're not there to protect him. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt but this is such a key time. Whatever consequences he will face he has brought on himself.

[BerylStreep]

Merlot, have pmed you.

[TranceDaemon]

Merlot we are all behind you, well done for making that call! Stay strong. I hope you and DS are safe at your parents now. Sending you strength and positive thoughts love.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Merlot - well done. It took a lot of courage to do that, it is going to take even more to stay away. You need to keep talking to us and telling friends & family, make this real and it's much easier to stay away from him.

I am very sorry it's ended like this - but now you know who he really is, you have to keep that image at the forfront of any decisions and not what you thought your future held - it is too easy to go back, it is too easy to say 'but I love him' - anytime you do, just remember the look on your DS's face & stay strong.

[gillyglops]

I post very rarely, Merlot, but felt I had to say how relieved I was to read that you had called your dad. As awful as today must be for you, it's hopefully a first step towards a much happier future for you and your son. I hope you can also find the strength to report your husband so that there is a record made and you can adequately protect your son as he grows up. I'm sure many of us will be thinking of you throughout the day.

[MerlotforOne]

DS and I (and all our personal belongings and papers) are now safely at my parents. I've had a long chat with women's aid (who basically said the same as you have about this being abusive and me not overreacting) and called 101 to find out what would happen if I reported, although I haven't yet reported the incident.

I feel shaky and raw and exhausted. I'm still dithering over reporting to the police. My parents keep telling me I'm still too upset to make decisions and shouldn't do anything irreversible. I keep thinking that I just want to wait and see how he reacts to me having left (he's at work as as yet unaware).

Have changed all my computer passwords. I'm going to try to wind down a bit as functioning purely on adrenaline. Police said if I choose to report, SS would probably have to be involved, but that at long as we're currently safe, that's the main thing. Feels like I'm the one upping the ante, but relieved to have spoken about it.

Thanks to you all for posting. I read the whole three first thing this morning to give me strength to call my parents. I honestly don't think I would have done this without you. Feels so much better to be out of the house.

[MerlotforOne]

Thread, not three!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Well done for holding it together and keeping a cool head in the circumstances. Personally I think what he did was the 'irreversible' factor in all this. You may be upset but - unlike him when placed under a minor amount of stress - you are not the one lashing out violently, being unstable and going to pieces. You're making very sound, well thought through decisions. Remind your parents of that.

[MunchkinsMumof2]

Well done Merlot, you have been very brave and have done the right thing. I do think you should report to the Police in case as others have said, should custody issues become nasty, it could help. Have a sweet tea as you are probably still in shock and let your parents look after you both.

[tribpot]

The thing is, Merlot, he is the one who has done something irreversible. All you would be doing is reporting it to the appropriate authority. It is not 'upping the ante' to report being the victim of a crime. I think you know what you'd advise another woman in your situation to do. He still has the opportunity to be completely remorseful about what he's done, but nothing can change the fact that he did it.

I'm very pleased that you're safe, and that ds is safe. I'm sure Women's Aid will have suggest their Pattern Changing course? I would urge you to think about that seriously.

Look after yourself for the next few days, make sure you rest and recuperate. I realise now I didn't even ask if you had physically hurt yourself when you landed on the floor, does your shoulder or head need to be checked out?

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

Good luck OP

Amongst the great posts on here, i wanted to say i totally agree with tripbot's on page 2

[jessjessjess]

I can't help thinking previous posters made a very important point about reporting this to someone - having evidence - in case of future custody battles. Your parents mean well, but these are his actions, not yours. Just remember it is not for you to take the responsibility, or guilt, of deciding whether he should be answerable to them.

I am really pleased if this thread has helped give you the strength to get out. Please do look after yourself.

[MerlotforOne]

Not physically hurt, thanks Tribpot.

Parents are being great, have helped me unpack and now taken DS and dog out for a walk. I'm taking on board all your saying about reporting, but sort of feel I've done enough for one day and now need to recuperate a bit.

At some point tonight or tomorrow morning (not sure when as he's on call), H is going to come home to an empty house. I will need to have my wits about me when he calls, so going to rest now.

My parents have said I can stay as long as I like, whether that's 2 days or 2 years, and they will help me out financially if I need it. I think they're just shaken up by all this themselves and have no experience of DV. They will support me whatever happens, I think they just don't want me to make decisions now, whilst I'm upset, that I might regret down the line. It's ok, I have time now to get my head straight.

[DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus]

I'm very glad you got out so quickly OP and that your parents are helping you.

Keep posting on MN for more support and advice.

Get some rest and take care of yourself and your little boy

[squalorvictoria]

Your parents are just lovely.

Stay strong, Merlot.

[LapsedPacifist]

Merlot, I'm so glad to read that you've left and are safe. I too fled with a 3 year old DS from a violent relationship many years ago. But it took more that one act of violence for me to get out . I really want to reiterate what previous posters have said about the importance of reporting what has happened to the police, AND to a GP. Your parents sound lovely, but they are not helping you or their grandchild by encouraging you not to do something 'irreversible' because it might impact on your husband's profession.

A man who can hide behind his professional status is only going to make changes and seek help if 'higher authorities' i.e. the police, SS and potentially the GMC are involved. Otherwise he will continue to cry, deny and minimise what happened and make you promises that he won't be able to keep. No-one is suggesting he wants to be the bad guy, but he cannot control his temper to the point where he can be violent, and no matter how much he might think he wants to change, there is no chance of this happening without outside intervention.

This isn't to suggest you ought to go back to him if he promises to get 'therapy' either . It's very dangerous to suggest that 'qualified professionals' (are you reading this cutestgirls?) can wave a magic wand and turn him into a 'better' husband. He needs to get help managing his anger (and maybe parenting classes) so it's safe for him to have unsupervised access to his child in the future, regardless of whther you stay together. And this is why you must report what happened: to give you more leverage when you need to negotiate access.

Please don't lose sight of why you had to leave. This wasn't triggered by a row about money, or the dinner being late. Your husband hurt and frightened his tiny 3 year old child, and when you tried to protect him, your DH hurt and frightened YOU. He has broken not just the law, but his professional oaths. If he was capable of losing his temper with DS when you were in the same room, what do you imagine might happen if he's had a bad day at work and you're not there to protect your child?

[jessjessjess]

^^agree with every word.

We are here for you OP.

[Damash12]

Hi Merlot (and make sure you have a glass for one later) :/)
Totally understand you have done enough for today and feel raw and very uncertain about the next few hours. Luckily you do have some time on your side and like I said in a previous post with his profession you can use the threat of calling the police and reporting as a good tool for keeping him at bay. Just out of interest and I know you feel raw do you feel a glimmer of happiness for the future. I know I did, I went to my dads and was terrified and the mobile kept ringing and I was consumed with oh god what going to happen next? What do I do? Then for a split second amongst the madness something in me yelled "yes, wow, I've done it" a smile came across my face and for that split second I felt like me for the first time in a long time and knew I done the right thing. I went back to running on adrenaline like you mentioned pretty quick as it's a shock to the life you had and imagined (although I suspect you've always had a flicker of "this won't be forever") anyway, that one bit of excitement kept me going when the calls started and the promises made flowed by the anger which proved the initial promises to be bollocks! How are you already feeling around your son? happy, more carefree? Please stay at your parents for as long as possible. Take care x

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Merlot - you are doing well.

I know you are stealing yourself to deal with your H once he finds out you have left, but you know he's most likely to sob and apologise and beg for forgiveness don't you :( Don't fall for his bs. You only have to read a few threads to know that it always escalates - despite their aparent regret.

You need to report this, even if it's only to your GP initially. You may need to protect DS from him further down the line and you will seriously regret not having reported this. This is why you left, you left because it wasn't safe to stay - this could be vital down the line when he's seeking more custody of DS than you think is safe :(

[Springhasarrived]

Merlot, well done for doing what you have so far but I would have to agree, from personal experience that you must report the assault to the police.

My STBX (also in a similar profession to yours) assaulted me after we had had split up. He had been violent before and all the usual EA and gas lighting behaviours were second nature to him. Being separated seemed to give him some kind of green light to do as he wanted and I finally reported the final assault because I felt that the next time he might do me serious harm and I had a black eye and bruising on the arms which of course was good evidence for the Police. I was terrified about what it might do to his career and income and the knock on effect this would have on the children and myself.

From what I understand now and from my own personal experience once the "gloves are off" and you have split from these men they feel out of control and they feel the need to up the anti. They do not accept being out manoeuvred. I am not saying for a second that you will be assaulted again but you need to protect yourself from it happening again and it is essential you have this on record and show him you will not be messed with. You have left many years before I did and I admire your courage.

If you do decide to report it, I am very happy if you want to PM me about the process and what to expect. I do know it varies from County to County so it might well be worth having a look at the Police Authorities website in the area you were assaulted.

My old name was Springaroundthecorner if you want to look up the thread I have.

[peedoffbird]

Not much advice to give you Merlot but I've been thinking of you, as I'm sure others have too, today and we are all here to help you through this. Been there myself too and you will come through this. Big hugs to you x

[DewDr0p]

Thinking of you Merlot x

[WeAreSix]

Good luck Merlot.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

Thinking of you too. Have given dd a pep talk today (she's only 14) that whatever happens when she's a grown up there will always be a place at home for her nd that she must never live in fear of a boyfriend, partner or husband and if she thinks its her fault and feels embarassed mum and dad will always be there and will always support her corner.

I'm so glad you have year mum and dad. I never understood before mnet how important things like refuges were.

Good luck - this is the beginning of a better future not an ending.

Hugs too for your mum and dad. They are an example for all mnet parents x