So it's not all in my head then:( (long)

[MerlotforOne]

Can't quite believe I'm writing this, but need to get it written down before I minimise it again.
This morning, DH and I both a bit tired, DS (3) acting up a bit. DH offered to take DS and dog for a walk so I could get some peace. DS was being difficult about getting his coat on and DH was acting as though his temper was getting strained. He muttered 'I don't work hard all week to come home to this!' And then pinned DS on the stone floor and wrestled him into his coat. DS was sobbing and I wanted to comfort him, bu DH snarled t me to go upstairs and let him get on with it. I would normally retreat at this point so as not to provoke him, but today I decided not to and stood m ground.

He asked me again to go and I said if he was upset he should take the dog out and clear his head, and leave DS with me. He said 'you really don't want to push me just now' and I asked why he was threatening me? He walked over and shoved me really hard through the doorway into the next room and onto the floor. DS saw this and ran over to me. We both somehow ended up upstairs and DH followed us up and stood there saying I was over-reacting as it was only a shove had provoked him so i deserved the shove.

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy . I refused to let DH touch me and he told me again I was overreacting and denied the comment about me deserving it, said I had made that up. He then took DS and went for the walk. I haven't been able to send being in the same room all day, but daren't leave in case he gets really angry and does something worse.

He has only physically assaulted me once before, 8 years ago on holiday, and was so drunk at that time that he passed out and claimed no memory of it. He can be grumpy and I feel I walk on eggshells and that I have to justify myself a lot. Since the incident 8 years ago, I've always backed down before he lost his temper, and fooled myself that he'd changed, but I discovered mumsnet 6m ago and have been reading a lot on this board and feeling increasingly uneasy that quite a lot f it applied to me.

He is not at all financially controlling, but was very jealous and quite controlling of my social life (back when I had one) and can be quite argumentative after a drink (not that he drinks much these days). He can also be loving and affectionate and we have long periods of time where everything seems fine, but I've been excusing his behaviour for a very long time and now there are really no excuses left.

Don't know what to do really. Thoroughly miserable and very confused.

[cafecito]

OP- please leave, please for you and your DS especially - or seek counselling if you honestly truly feel your relationship can change. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and finally left, but it was a whole year and a half after MNers told me to leave (have since namechanged)- In that extra year an a half, I had my nose broken, I was pushed down 3 flights of stairs, I was strangled, I had my head smashed into a wall, a doorway, I had a knife pressed hard into my neck. I had t call the police a number of times, I had to send my DS (then less than 2) away to stay with relatives so he would not be harmed in any way, and have since had to move house many times in secret. It started with one little 'grab' when I was giong to go to a friend's birthday party but P did not allow me, and since then I felt I was walking on eggshells and I was scared to leave. believe me, it escalated but I became accustomed to it and frightened of it to the point where I felt nobody understood how very trapped I was in this situation and I myself doubted whether I should leave, despite knowing how miserable and terrified it made me. I noticed red flags at the start of the relationship, a few months in I remember reading about abuse online and thinking 'shit that's me' or stockholm syndrome etc. But I stayed and really, I so wish I hadn't. I left a year ago and DS is happy, I am slowly rediscovering my personality and attempting to piece together my shattered confidence after years of not being allowed to be myself.

[cafecito]

My daughter used to comfort me like that, she used to see me crying and would come over to me (depsite being only 1) and try and make me happy, play peekaboo at me until I cracked a smile, give me her favourite toy. It was no childhood for her and I will never forgive myself for allowing her to be exposed to it.

[mathanxiety]

Please, please look long and hard at the cycle of abuse and try to see where you are in it right now, and where he is. That hug and 'sorry' -- identify where that puts you.

Take a deep breath and tell your parents. You are not stupid. This is not a situation you wanted or wished for and you were a tiger protecting your little son. Be courageous once again and tell your parents. You have to give this situation over to others and let them care for you. Do this for your little son if you can't see how it would be the best thing for you. Have courage again. It will be harder without the adrenaline. You both need help.

Wishing you every good wish. You can do this. Stay smart and wait until he leaves but you must then act.

When you are safe at your parents report to a GP. This needs to be recorded.

[MerlotforOne]

I've called my parents. Was crying too hard to say much, but managed to croak out that something had happened with DH and could they please come and get me. Dad just said 'I'm coming right now' and put the phone down. He should be here in an hour or so.

Last night was really odd. After I settled to try and sleep, I heard DH lurking on the landing, then he came in and got into bed and wanted to know why I was still so angry with him. He was still minimising, making out it wasn't intentional, we even had sobbing. I ended up holding him until he cried himself to sleep. But I'm still scared and I'm increasingly angry. H has gone to work and dropped DS off at nursery. Am going to shower and pack.

Thank you all. FWIW, I found Izzy's posts blunt, but they helped me hang on to the idea that there is something badly wrong with my marriage.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Well done merlot. I've just read your thread and am so pleased you've made that call.

Wishing you strength. X

[tribpot]

Fantastic first steps, MerlotforOne. Well done you. I don't think anyone on this thread thought this would be anything other than one of the most difficult conversations of your life.

People can undoubtedly lash out unintentionally but they probably don't say 'you really don't want to push me just now' beforehand. Otherwise it's not unintentional, is it? Although it does give him the perfect opportunity to blame you for not having heeded his warning.

Keep going. I don't know whether your parents will immediately appreciate the seriousness of what has happened with it being 'only' a shove but a poster on another thread who works for the police confirmed a similar incident would certainly be taken seriously by their DV unit.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

So glad you have called your parents. Now is the time you have to be really strong. The tears etc are all part of the cycle, designed to keep you there.
Do not listen to any promises to change, assurances that he would never hurt you. He already has. I did just that and went back. Nothing changed.
If you have to screen your calls for a few days, do so. Give yourself time to think, talk to supportive people. Tell them everything. Their reactions will let you know you are doing the right thing.
If you go back, I think men like this take it to mean that you will put up with it. Good luck and stay strong(and safe).

[HappyNewHissy]

He knows something's up. He's putting on the show... Typical abuser.

DON'T back down. The fact that he's turning on the tears and making it all about him is your proof!

Who the hell does he think he is to manhandle/assault a child, then it's mother and then get held while crying himself to sleep?

He's trying to minimise it, and blame you somehow!

Think! Don't fall for it, it's classic abuse 101.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

My darling good luck. I get flamed on here on a regular basis about having a traditional relationship where although we are both professionals DH is the provider and I do the domestic stuff. We have been together for 25 years and I have compromised over much. Had he ever done to our ds what he did to yours yesterday and ever laid a finger on me all compromise would have stopped.

Your DS should not have witnessed that and you both deserve to be safe and happy and be free to breath.

Well done you - the fact that your dad is coming immediately without question or hesitation speaks volumes.

Good luck.

[Damash12]

Ah good for you Merlot. So pleased your dad is coming and again you have support. Can you stay with them easily for awhile ie plenty of room. I know my mum would have taken me in at the drop of an hat but u do see so many posts where people have no-one or there families dismiss the problem. As for your H I imagine he knew very well he had done wrong and the emotional blackmail started with the crying. I had the same "your not carrying this on all day and ruining the day" me ruin it! And believe me I think you will hear from him mid part of today as he will want to brush this away and return to the status quo. Do you love him anymore ? Do you want to be with him anymore? I truly hope you don't as this marriage is not good for you or Ds and it's not your fault. Please try and see through the barrage of apologies, promises, threats, nastiness and tears (yep you'll get everyone) that is to come in the near future. And please don't fall for any sentence that includes "your taking my son away" or "your doing this " your doing that". Only you know how long this has really gone on for and how long you've had that niggle in the pit of your stomach. So listen to it and don't be swayed. Sooo pleased your dad is coming over right now i could kiss him!! ;-) ps I'd also pick Ds up a little earlier than usual an have him with you before h is any the wiser.

[jessjessjess]

Merlot I know I'm only a random on the internet but I am so proud of you for making that call.

Re this: "People can undoubtedly lash out unintentionally but they probably don't say 'you really don't want to push me just now' beforehand. Otherwise it's not unintentional, is it? Although it does give him the perfect opportunity to blame you for not having heeded his warning."

Absolutely.

Him sobbing and you having to hold him is classic manipulation - he minimised what he did to you and made you comfort him, ergo you feel guilty for supposedly upsetting him. Fuck that shit, if you'll pardon my language.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"wanted to know why I was still so angry with him"

That says it all really. Shove someone onto the floor and then have no idea why they are still upset or angy? Then crying himself to sleep? That's a very self-centred man with either no empathy or a deluded self-image. Glad you had the courage to call your Dad. Stay strong.

[cutestgirls]

hi OP and truly sorry for your plight. i would just like to tell you, I understand your hesitations to leave him and yet on the other hand your realization that presently it is what you MUST do.

However, why don't you separate for now and try getting your husband some help. Make it absolutely imperative, to him to get off his high horse and confront his actions head on. Maybe therapy will help him get to the roots of his violent/uncontrolled temper. I don't think that you will necessarily need to divorce him. often after some time of civil separation with both parties getting the necessary help the marriage can be saved.

although i myself am not a LCSW (licensed social worker.) many of my family members are including my DH. he would never disclose names or actual facts but i do know that he has dealt with such scenarios in the past.

hope i won't get flaming for this one, but i don't think ALL is lost. if however after going for help (whilst separated, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM UNTIL YOU RECEIVE A GO AHEAD FROM A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL) then go ahead and get a divorce. but if you truly love this man, i think it is worth a try.

again this is only my opinion and you can do as you please. for now definitely go ahead and leave....with DS

[jessjessjess]

Cutestgirls your advice is irresponsible at best. Therapy is a notoriously risky route for domestic abusers because it serves the person being treated and can make them feel justified in their actions. Perhaps you meant anger management.

Still, a pat on the back to you for implying that "the marriage" is somehow more important than the people in it, and for telling a woman who has just found the strength to seek help, and is at one of the most vulnerable points in the process of withdrawing, that all is not lost and, whoopee do, she might choose to go back to a manipulative bully instead of prioritising her welfare and that of her child. No really, what the actual fuck were you thinking?

[readyforno2]

Best of luck op.
Well done for taking that first step x

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

This man clearly doesn't think he has a problem. Hence asking why op was still upset. My ex promised me he'd do anger management, I even booked relate, b it he went back on everything once I hagone back. I don't believe abusers ever really change.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

*typos on phone.

[AttillaTheMum]

Since leaving my ExH. I have wished so many times I had reported him to the police, if you are likely to split up at some point the court will order a police report if (like with me) the divorce is nasty. If ONLY I had called the police there would be solid evidence (other than witnesses) that he is what I say he is.

Please do call them. Don't think of yourself or him. Think of the children. What if he presses for them to live with him? I never thought he would try but he did and it would have been so helpful to have police reports to back me up.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"hope i won't get flaming for this one, but i don't think ALL is lost."

The OP has lost nothing - she stands to gain freedom, self-respect, safety and happiness. It is not the victim's responsibility to get help for their abuser, it is the abuser's responsibility. A man so deluded as to sob himself to sleep and fail to understand why his wife is still terrified and angry a few hours after experiencing violence at his hands... is not taking responsibility for his actions.

[DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus]

Good luck OP, sending you lots of strength.

I have little experience of abusive partners but you talking about walking on egg shells really spoke to me.

No-one should feel they have to walk on egg shells around someone else to keep that person happy. I've been in a relationship where I was like this and it was only once it finished (I was dumped and at the time) that I realised how wrong it was. How I wasn't being myself, how quickly I'd changed my behaviour in order to not rock the boat.

I justified it to myself, saying that all relationships take work and what did it matter if we only ever went to the restaurant he wanted/saw the film he liked/did what he wanted to etc. but really, it shouldn't be you twisting yourself to suit your partner.

I'm now with DH who takes me as I am, faults and everything. I don't have to tiptoe around his moods and it's lovely.

[Xales]

You have adjusted your behaviour over the years to passify his bad mood/anger so that you don't have to walk on eggshells. It has become part of who you are with him hence his and your own surprise at you standing up to him.

You stood up to him over his actions towards your child.

Your child is probably already learning that he doesn't do x,y, or z because daddy gets angry. He has note learned that daddy will pin him to the floor and hurt mummy when he DS misbehaves. So he will modify future behaviour to prevent this from happening because he loves mummy.

In other words at the age of 3 your soon is losing his precious innocence learning to passify his abuser just like you do.

Your H wasn't sorry enough to give you space last night was he? Instead he forced the issue by twisting it so that all sympathy was for how sad he the violent one was rather than sympathy for that victims.

You had to end up holding him sobbing rousing your sympathy and having to suppress you own feelings at being that close to your abuser yet again.

And apologies to all doctors on here, Harold Shipman was a doctor. That doesn't mean he was a good person. Pi n fact plenty of nasty people have amazing public fronts and personalities.

[Xales]

Sorry for spellings am on a phone.

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

deck the halls does your DH have a brother!!! He sounds lovely

[DewDr0p]

Well done OP. Can't imagine how hard it was to make that call. You are doing the right thing.

[aufaniae]

Wishing you strength for today Merlot.

Probably worth considering that this may well be the first step to divorce. When packing it may save you a lot of trouble later (regarding both maintenance payments for DS and divorce settlements) if you can take with you some documents (or copies of documents) which prove his income and any assets.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, or not what you want to think about right now, but it could save you a lot of hassle and heartache later.

I expect others who have been through it will be able to advise what in particular you should take.