Snobs or not!!!!

[peppajay]

I am just after a bit of advice really. To cut a long story in my opinion my parents are snobs but in their opinion they just like and appreciate nice things. My mum is from a very wealthy landowning family and was privately educated as were all her brothers and sisters. She then met my dad an ordinary average joe who is mesmerised by her grandeur. He has an ordinary job with an average salary they both still work full time at 68 to fund their lifestyle which includes 5 star carribean holidays and eating in expensive restaurants each weekends. Neither me or my bro went to private school as they didnt have the money much to my dads disgust instead they spent the money on nice things such as expensive shoes and theatre trips and holidays abroad in gites or 5 star resorts so out of school we mixed with the elite!! I loved this life till I was about 15 then just wanted to be normal like my school friends. My parents hate normal.

Anyway on xmas day it all kicked off as my 4 yr old DS got a football kit and football is a thugs game and thet is what my dad brought me up to believe, and if we are to encourage sport it should be polo or rugby as that is what the private school boys play, but he doesnt go to private school. They dont like my DH as he is Mr average but unlike my dad who is or was mr average my hubby is happy being normal but my parents say that likeing football and having a big tv and going to a caravan park on holiday is 'chavvy' not normal and being normal is wrong you need to always strive for more in life.

My dad says they chose to bring me up the way they did so that I would meet and marry a dr or lawyer andm somebody who could give me a nice life not to be with a man who takes me to the pub for a meal and goes to watch football. They literally are embarassed by him. I am different to the rest of them as all the other cousins have married within their class but they all went to public school. My bro is just like my parents as well so it is just me who is normal. But is normal so so wrong???

[hatingbooze]

Plomino, great post!!!

[SusieSusieSheep]

They are snobs, but that's not the really bad thing, the bad thing is that they think they can control your life and have a say in who you marry and how you bring up your kids.

[mrslaughan]

I should add - yes your parents are crashing snobs, and not very nice ones at that.
This year we have struggled to pay DS's school fee's - it is a recessions after all, we have forgone holidays, we do this not for the people he will meet, but because in his case it is the very best education we can offer him (he has learning difficulties), and I want him to have options in his life....
I also have the philosophy, that there is always a need for electricians, plumbers and builders....but not always bankers......

[mrslaughan]

my son is at a private school - they do football, hockey and rugby - no polo!! He is 7 and tbh it is mostly football, and all his mates are football mad - he is bamboozled by it......

[LemonDrizzled]

They are snobs and rather insecure if they think these things matter.
I was brought up posh but penniless due to the private boarding school fees for four of us. We loved our Camping and cottage holidays and never went abroad.
I have chosen to send my DC to the local comp and spend my money on travel, music, theatre and art with them. So has my DSis while my DBs went down the private school route. All the cousins get on regardless (and the most successful didn't get the private education). We all love sport whether it is football, tennis, horseriding or shooting!

What I am trying to say is that there isn't any one way of life that is better than another and only a crashing snob values people on trivial external appearances. Trust yourself and your own values and try to include your Dad in trips to the football as part of his education. He might even enjoy it!

[Plomino]

I'll bet Fabrice Muamba is glad there was a thuggish cardiac doctor watching the chavvy football at Tottenham the day he collapsed .

[NuclearStandoff]

You might point out that genuinely posh people love football and tend to go on holiday to places like Cornwall and Scotland.

They are also more likely to enjoy eating at a good pub or curry house than a very posh restaurant.

[roooibos]

Crashing snobs. How tiring their lives must be trying to live up to it all, what an effort!

[BillyBollyBrandy]

I'm not being very rude, but you don't seem to have had a life of privilege. Just a standard midddle class (sorry don't know how else to explain it) upbringing. So I don't see where your parents are getting their snobbish ideals from.

Surely if your dm came from a family with that much money she would have a trust/have inherited enough for them to give you an expensive upbringing. I just don't see that they have a lot to shout about

As for the football bollocks...I have a friend who says her ds will not be wearing a football kit because it is common. No it isn't, it is supporting your dc in something they want to do and showing them that their interests are also yours. Completely knobby behaviour.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

So you had an urge to live with the common people, just like Ma

Like mother, like daughter....have you thought about saying this to her.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

Sorry X-posted, Naff, now there is a good word, yes naff is fine

[Corygal]

Hmmm. I daresay you're not the only child in the UK with this plight, but that doesn't improve things for you. It ain't personal tho - you know in problem pages when the reply is It's Not You It's Them? Well, It's REALLY Them.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

The assumption was always that men can never marry up but women can and they can also marry down. What must your poor MaMa have been thinking, must be such a bore living with a man who refers to other people as chavs.

[peppajay]

Not the word chavvy he uses the word 'naff' when he talks about things and places that he feels are not of a high standard. My mum totally agrees with my dad and is disappointed that by giving me the childhood of high standards ie never ever going to a caravan, giving us ballet and piano lessons rather than football or majorettes that I have let them down somewhat. My brother had absolutely the same upbringing as me and it is just like them, but I am so so different!!! I am happy to be average which if I was brought up average would be fine but as they gave everything to make me appreciate the finer things in life and hoped that I would realise that it is nicer to holiday in South of France and shop in Waitrose rather than Tesco'w with all the naffs, they hoped that I would do the same with my own children and encourage them to be posh rather than average, make them stand out from their peers rather than be on a par with them. At about 15 this is what I hated whereas my brother loved being the poshest boy in the comp and talking about going to the opera with my mum whereas I would lie and say that I had been down town at the weekend shopping in Chelsea Girl because that is what I really had the urge to do!!!!!

[Corygal]

Famously, the most common thing one can do is call somebody else common.
Not that I would dream of calling your bronzed, 'welffy', designer-shod parents that, of course.

But maybe you could tell yr DF to put that in his pipe and smoke it. If your mother is well bred, she should be ashamed of herself, to boot. Being a snob is achingly low class.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

Very strange, did your father actually use the term "chavvy" & if so what was your mothers reaction to this?

[ZZZenAgain]

it is a bit sad when people can't just relax and be comfortable with who they are without worrying so much about how other people see them and judge them. I feel a bit sorry for your parents that it bothers them so much. Look, if they want to pay for private education for your son, sign him up for polo lessons when the time comes and buy him a decent horse etc, great but if not he is living the life you and dh can provide for him and choose to provide for him.

A cousin of mine has a hard time with her parents as they look down on the man she married as below her in background, education and so on. You don't help your dc though by running down the person they have married. It might be hard to not do it if it is very important to you I suppose but you can end up alienating your own dc by carrying on like this. I know my cousin rarely sees her parents these days, so they rarely see their own grandchildren. Her dh will have nothing at all to do with them

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Oh and everything Cory said. Very well put.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Hey peppa, I think your parents are snobs, too. I've had friends and known people from all walks of life. The one who is most properly posh has a title, and it's one of the oldest titles in the country (old ones are posher than new ones). His ancestors are referenced in history books as they did things like lay siege to monasteries and fight in the Wars of the Roses! He's married to my dh's cousin. There's an estate and a (crumbling) stately pile with the garden open to the public (though they struggle to keep the show on the road). Technically he is about as posh as it gets. He's also one of the most kind, funny, gracious, well mannered people I have ever met. He would never, ever judge anyone according to their background, occupation or where they went to University (or not).

Compare this with my maternal grandmother who came from a working class background, who left school at 14 to work in a tobacconist. Having married someone from a similar background, but who got himself a decent job in the civil service, she became a bit more middle class. She was a thumping snob, judging people terribly according to their manners, jobs etc.

I had a mate at school whose dad owned a small supermarket. They were rolling in it compared with us, my father was an impoverished provincial architect supporting four children, there was never any money. My granny told me I was better than her because my father was a professional while hers was 'in trade'. Lol.

Only people who are insecure care about people's backgrounds, schools and jobs. And how ridiculous to deny yourself an interest (like football) because it's not the 'right' one.

What's more of a problem is the fact that your dh wants to wind up your parents. Not really very nice for you, is it?

[Corygal]

Oh dear, I mean parents - even worse for you. They're not normal.

[Corygal]

Nuts. For a start, these PILs are classic try-hards - they wanted you to marry a lawyer but failed to send you to a smart school, preferring to spend the cash on themselves and their tan.

That's sending you mixed messages from the class front, for a start - a classic working-class tale of instant gratification (hols) mixed with a partic middle-class aspiration (lawyer wedding). An aspiration that, conveniently, they want for themselves but that you probably wouldn't achieve - charming.

Sports are a pitched battle in class perception - basically, outdoor exercise is a huge favourite with both upper and working class teams - only the lower-middles would mince about whimpering that one type of ball was more common than the other. (Except volleyball - no one likes that.)

Your post tells me that your parents are ghaaaastly snobs, and, worse, that they're not prepared to put the work and effort in to better themselves according to their own wonky standards. That's your job.

Yr PIL aren't very nice. Snobs this bad are usually pretty odd people, for a start, and the vicarious aspirations on yr behalf are horrid. Avoid.

[peppajay]

Thanks for all your comments is has made me realise that they definitely are snobs and being normal is not so bad. I think I feel a bit guilty because I really did had a fantastic childhood and everything they did was for us and we didn't want for anything and my dad really wanted to give us the best like my mum had and he didn't but he has taken it to the extreme. My dh doesn't help as he really pushes the football thing as he knows it winds them up.

[Tanith]

Football is a thug's game??!

Wow! I bet Charterhouse (the most expensive school in the country) would be just thrilled to hear that one! They are a football playing school.
:-D

[bluebiscuit]

In my ds's private school, they play football in the playground everyday. Ds also has a football kit . Your dad sounds unhinged.

[Kundry]

I know loads of doctors who like pubs and football. In fact I only know 2 doctors who like going to the theatre and one of them is me

You could try pointing out that they also brought you up to understand that love, care, compassion and hard work were important in a partner and yours has these in abundance and surely this is more important that football vs rugby.

Or you could ask them to give you several thousand pounds a year to fund your son's polo habit