I've told DH I want to separate, what do I say/do next?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

Long history but things really came to a head this weekend and that's it, I've had enough.

Told him this morning that I want him to leave after Christmas - I am not putting the kids through it before then. He told me I was going to be responsible for blowing the kids world apart which I really didn't need telling - they are the only reason I have stuck it out with him for as long as I have. It's the only part that is breaking my heart.

Anyway, practicalities. I know he will want to talk when he gets home tonight. He will ask all sorts of clever questions such as how will I support myself, how will I afford x, y, z. How he will pay maintenance for the kids but I won't get any extra out of him. We've been here many times before and he just laughs at me and says I could never survive without him financially.

I'm a SAHM, no qualifications. He runs his own, £1million+ a year turnover business which I am not a partner or anything in. We own our house, smallish mortgage but still too big for me to ever have any hope of taking over on my own. Reasonable amount of equity but not enough to buy two houses out of.

4DCs, youngest is only 2 so would need to pay childcare if I was to go out to work.

Please help me by telling me what I can say when he comes out with all these questions so he can't belittle me. I need to be strong and not back down and I cannot have him think I won't survive without him.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Thing is (and it may be better just to hold this thought rather than sharing it with him) - it's partly his fault, too. If he had behaved better towards you then you wouldn't be divorcing him.
I bet you have asked him more than once to change his behaviour, stop bullying you, do his share round the house, etc - OK I don't know what your specific reasons for dumping him are but what you've posted paints a picture of a selfish bully who thinks you are his servant and his inferior.

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

My kids worship the ground he walks on.

SGB - spot on. This has been going on for YEARS.

[ladyWordy]

Hey Grape... I remember your previous thread. It was sad and rather shocking to hear how you were being treated :(

Whatever he's said tonight about his feelings towards you, they would be no different if you stayed with him. He's been awful to you, and still is being awful. Don't listen to his 'how can you' nonsense, it's designed to hurt and manipulate.

You sound stronger already. Take care, you're being so brave ((Un MN hug))...

[MyLastDuchess]

Re: the kids, just so you know, a good friend of mine grew up with parents who essentially lived separate lives but stayed together "for the kids". She said it was awful and she was very much affected by it. You really are doing the right thing by splitting if it's not working out. Your children may well be very upset but it's much better for them in the long run.

[balotelli]

As usual with weak pathetic partners in this situation he is trying to use emotional blackmail on you to get his own way again.

Please do not listen to the twat. The wise sages on here (me not included) know far better and know the 'script'

The DC will not suffer as he claims. They will survive and probably flourish without a toxic atmosphere about.

You will also not suffer anywhere near as much as you think you will. Yes it will be bloody hard to start with but eventually you will be so much better off without the twunt in your immediate life.

Hope you have as good a christmas as you can but please try to lay off the vodka for your dc's sake as well as your health and sanity.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Good advice insight/advice from sgb and balotelli

Your kids will be ok.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

And don't be too sure he hasn't got thousands squirrelled away, if you have no sight of the finances then you can't really know.

[Lueji]

For what is worth, DS has been trough our separation due to domestic violence and has witnessed episodes (after separation) and he is fine.
Mostly because he has a parent that can keep a level head and not bad mouth the other.

Yours will be fine.

And what if your H hates you?
You are leaving him.
He hates the fact that you are leaving, really.
How can you possibly leave him?

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Children often appear to 'worship' an abusive parent. This is because children crave that parent's love, and have learned early on that slavish devotion is the most likely way to stop that parent being horrible to them. They may grieve - as you may grieve - when an abusive marriage ends, but they are mourning - as you are mourning - the loss of the dream that the abusive man will STOP BEING A FUCKING ARSEHOLE and love you all properly. Which sadly isn't going to happen, because he doesn't think you are people. You're just props for his ego, and therefore you're better off without him.

[zipzap]

If he's worried about how you can watch them over Xmas knowing what's coming then call his bluff.

Say fine, let's do the decent thing and split up right here, right now. Pack your bag and go and I'm sure we'll all have a much better Christmas as a result. You can come and spend Xmas day itself (insert what access you're prepared to give him here, hold a bit back so that when he says it's not enough you've got some more to give him that you were planning to let him have; he'll think he's won a compromise from you, you'll know he hasn't and you'll have learnt a useful lesson/reminder about negotiating with him later).


BIG CAVEAT - make sure you are ready for him to go - money out of joint account into personal one, had your free half hour with all local good solicitors so he can't use them due to no conflict of interest rules, yours/ kids passports and important docs hidden well away, at your parents or a good friend's if necessary, photocopies or screenprints of as much of his financial info as possible, copy of his address book, anything and everything - just don't let him find it.

But then - just throw him out or let him talk himself into going now not later. It will be the best Christmas present you could give your kids!