It's not you, it's me...

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

I've name changed for this as I don't think I could be completely frank about things otherwise?

A couple of years ago I decided to give internet dating a go. After a few mismatched dates I met someone whom I hit it off with so well and was so on my wavelength, it felt like I'd known him all my life There was instant chemistry, shared interests and brilliant banter and we fell in love very quickly. He was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met and I couldn't believe my luck.

Fast forward a year and my world crashed down when DP ended our relationship. He said still loved me, but that he "couldn't cope" with my reactions to things - by his own admission he is incredibly sensitive and despite the fact I was never abusive and aggressive towards him, I could get very stressed about things and just didn't realise how much it was affecting him. My ex had been flighty and argumentative and I'd had to shout to be heard and this had created aftershocks with DP.

I was devastated - I'd had several serious relationships in the past lasting many years each, but this break up hit me the hardest of all. In the past I'd been able to move on because it was clear that the relationship had run its course, but if I was the love of DPs life like he was mine, why wasn't he willing to give us another chance? He said he was scared of hurting me even more if it didn't work out again.

After a month of feeling so wretched that I could barely get out of bed (it actually terrified me that the split had hit me so hard, I was inconsolable), something happened that I'd never banked on - DP wanted to give our relationship another try. He said our time apart had made him realise that he loved and missed me too much to let me go and that he hated himself for being so much of a coward. We agreed to try again.

Bearing in mind what went wrong with DP the first time round, I made a huge effort to deal with stress in a calmer way (in fairness DP never asked me to change, it was me who wanted this for myself and for us). In turn he said he would make an effort to be honest if things were bothering him, rather than him concealing concerns for fear of rocking the boat. The deep love we had for each other hadn't diminished one bit and I was finally able to make sense of the pain I?d felt during our split ? it hadn't been for nothing, it had brought us both to realisations that had made us stronger.

Anyway, I've now been back with DP for as long as we were together the first time and we haven?t clashed once - in his words I?m the most loving, giving and loyal person he has ever met. We agreed to take the relationship to the next stage and move into together at Christmas, but a couple of weeks ago when I asked him if he?d had any doubts about us since we?d go back together he completely blindsided me by saying that a few months ago he'd considered breaking up with me again but hadn't said anything to me or anyone else because it was his problem not mine, that I'd been the "perfect girlfriend" and that he was a "wimp" who had since dealt with it. When I pressed him further he admitted that he was struggling with the concept of being "someone's everything". Despite us both being 33, our relationship is by far the longest and most serious he's ever had (and not because he's a player either, he was actually celibate for years, due to lack of confidence) I'm financially independent, own my own house, have plenty of interests and hobbies, etc, so it's not exactly like I'm reliant on him to be my "everything" in that sense - however in my mind, having someone to be your rock and your emotional support is the best thing about being in a relationship, and surely what most people ultimately want? He assured me that it WAS what he wanted and he definitely wants a future with me, he just needed to get his head around this after so many years of being alone.

The problem is that I am now constantly on edge and keep expecting for DP to break up with me any minute. I keep a diary have and find myself constantly rereading the happy times we shared during that month he said he was having doubts, looking for clues and finding none whatsoever, instead recalling conversations where he said he hoped to marry me one day and be with me for the rest of our lives! When we got back together, I told DP that it was crucial to our relationship for him to tell me immediately if something was wrong, as opposed to keeping it bottled up like last time. He KNEW how important this was to me, yet he still kept this from me for months. He's apologised and said he didn't want to worry me because it was his problem (it's not you, it's me!) but through not being straight with me he's made it worse

All I want is to feel secure and but how can I feel like that now? I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now the defence barrier's going up. I find myself wondering all this time whether I put DP on a pedestal. Since his admission I've been looking at him in a "warts and all" light, his messiness and scatty nature exasperating me far more than before, for example, although the chemistry and the companionship are still there as much as ever.

So, what am I asking? Has anyone else been in the situation with a man who was afraid to commit and was able to work through it? (and this is NOTHING to do with him being unfaithful / wanting other women - this is purely to do with him worrying he is not "man enough" to be everything I need and he is fearful of letting me down. I should stress that he is NOT a man-child - he can cook, will help round the house, doesn't sulk, rely on mummy or anything like that. He is however a big worrier.)

In your experiences can relationships work a second time around or do they break up first time for a reason?

If this relationship ended it would turn my world upside. I adore DP more than I thought I'd ever thought it was humanly possible to love anyone, but since his revelation I'm worried sick and find myself second guessing him all the time. Is this a normal response to his revelation or am I overeacting?

Sorry for the long post, I really needed to get this off my chest.

[Amazoniancracker]

I hear alarm bells here. Neither of you sounds right for the other. And certainly, no relationship should make you feel this constantly anxious OP.

It will not get any better. Or if it does it will be temporary until he pushes you back into paranoi and insecurity.

I would seriously quit now, before he isolates you further and drags you down to his level.

Also, no man should leave you unable to physically get out of bed. It all sounds a recipe for a lot of heartbreak. On your side. i bet he wasn't rendered unable to function or get out of bed during your short split.

[ClippedPhoenix]

So you now almost always go out with "his people".

Don't loose yourself amongst them though OP ay.

[Abitwobblynow]

This is abuse and control.

Don't lose yourself. If he doesn't love you for you, if you aren't accepted as an equal, then it isn't love.

[MadSleighLady]

Ps He has to stop with the apologetic/negative self-talk as well. I can see it is a sort of catharsis for him to abase himself and say he's not good enough for you and how terrible he is etc, but if he keeps telling himself and you that he's a fuck-up then he sort of gives himself permission to be one. Tripbot has a nice turn of phrase about the "apparently fragile shoulders", and the only way he'll ever be on the road to not having them is if he decides he is no longer fragile.

[MadSleighLady]

I think I'm sort of a bit like him . I am trying to woman up though! It's pathetic. Either I can wallow and whine and count my doubts and wait for some mythical perfect scenario, or I can get on and try and build something from where I am now, in the full knowledge that it might turn out to be (oh noooo!) the wrong decision.

I think part of it is learned overthinking, and that realization has made a big difference to me. Most people, I find, don't think at all, they just blunder about. So that's why we get lots of messages (through media but particularly in school) about weighing up options carefully, taking commitment seriously, being conscientious, planning thoroughly etc. Which is all great for people who don't think at all about what they're doing, but completely cripples people who already think a lot and already pick up on the smallest shifts in feeling. It gives them the impression they should do even more thinking in order to get things just right.

With all that in mind, I don't know what to suggest really. This has the power to really squash you flat if he has another wobble.

[dequoisagitil]

You're probably not going to like my advice, but I think you should postpone moving in together.

I think it'd be good for your relationship if you were to be the one to postpone it. That way, it is clear that it's not you doing all the running and all the changing, but that you will put the brakes on and insist on things being 'right' between you.

Take some of the power back, as there is an inequality here.

Moving in together won't give you the secure feeling you're lacking - it'll push it back, but it'll still be there underlying everything and it'll return to haunt you. You need to be able to be yourself, not a special version of yourself.

I also think you should work on getting a social circle of your own that is not you as a add-on of his.

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

Tribpot - ok, so this morning I said something almost identical to that to him to see how he would respond:

He said he knew how important feeling secure was to me, that it was his fault, he'd been a fuckup and of course he didn't expect me to be a perfect person all the time when he was far from one.

I asked him whether a future with me was really what he wanted, because it would be far better to tell me now rather than after he had moved in with me?

He said it was definitely what he wanted, it was just a big step for him because he's never been in this kind of relationship before, but he keeps telling himself how lucky he is to have me and how good he has in with me and has realised he's been an "idiot."

I do feel supported by him the vast majority of the time, it's just these two occasions he's had a wobble. He's incredibly selfless and giving to his friends and family (as well as me) and greatly valued by them for it, so I know it's not an act, he is a genuinely good person who has been there through the bad times as well as the good. However by his own admission he can be stubborn, obstinate and sometimes needs to "man up". This morning I reiterated to him that by moving in with me he is recognising a 50/50 partnership, sharing all responsibilities, ups and downs. He reiterated that he feels ready for this and wants to take our relationship to the next level.

MadSleighLady - Your description of DP is spot on - do you know him??!

Noodlesoup - Thanks, I really hope it works out too...

[MadSleighLady]

I don't think he's a player and I don't think there's anything needy about wanting someone to be your rock - that's what marriage is, surely.

What I think it sounds like is the old chestnut, he lacks the maturity to make a commitment and then stick to it. He's a panicker - quite a genuine one, it's a surprise to him as well when he panics. I'm your age. I think there comes a point in life when you have to make decisions and if you're a person who worries and over-analyzes like he does, you will always be able to find a reason why this option isn't quite right. There is a great tendency, if you're a worrier, to keep your options open and resist obligation in case it's too much for you later - I can relate to that. But there is never going to be a point where you have perfect information and can make a perfect decision with guarantees of no regrets. Life is not like that. You just have to make decisions and do your best by them.

If he realizes this, and mans up, like he says, you'll be fine. The problem for you is there's no way of knowing if he will.

[MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve]

I really hope it works out for you two, and you can be yourself. I've relaxed a lot now and I'm glad I've changed for the better, I realised I was very sharp to people and came across as rude, when in fact I'm just very self conscious and shy but put a front up.

Good luck op

[tribpot]

So how would it go if you said to him:

'I appreciate your total honesty, even when what you say makes me feel very insecure about our relationship. I found breaking up with you devastating and I think I am sometimes struggling to be myself around you; I need to feel secure and I hope you will help me to do so'.

My guess is, he'd be gone, citing the pressure you would be placing upon his apparently fragile shoulders. But this is the exact kind of pressure he is placing on you to deal with, to sort out, to work through. And life is a rocky business; is he always going to be too uncertain for you to be able to lean on, or count on? What will he do when you need someone to support you?

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

Jing - we've been together for almost 2 years so I wouldn't say we're still in the first flush.

He lack of confidence (which led to him being single for a long time) was mainly due to a congenital condition which caused him to lose most of his sight when he was younger - thanks to several operations his sight is now restored.

Noodlesoup - I can relate to what you say about being fiery and blunt - I grew up with a mum who was like that and my dad just took it in his stride because he knew she meant well and she respected him. DP however does not respond well to my bluntness, and I have made a huge effort to curb this which he does acknowledge. He also acknowledges that certain things about his behaviour drive me up the wall, especially how he pussyfoots around at times. He's making an effort to change that too. My mum recently said to me that he is the only partner of mine she has ever met who she could genuinely see as her son-in-law and that means a lot, given her usual acid judgment!

One thing I forgot to mention before is that DP has an extremely stressful job (more stress than I could handle on a daily basis)- understandably at times that makes him somewhat deflated, so I always ask him how he's feeling, but now it's at the back of my mind "is it deflated because of me?" because of course a few months back he wasn't ok because of us, but chose to just say it was due to work.

Having said that we had a lovely night tonight, I felt we were both completely ourselves and there was no tension whatsoever - I'm really hoping that we are moving forward...

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Me and DP nearly broke up a few times because I am quite fiery and blunt at times and he couldn't handle it.

We talked through it. I agreed to not be so snappy and have done better at that, and in turn he has agreed to accept this is who I am and not take it personally.

You cannot spend your relationship not being you, walking on eggshells. It will make you crazy op.

You need to talk, tell him you will not change yourself completely to suit him because he's 'a wimp'. You can make adjustments but he needs to accept you for who you are.

In this case, I feel like you are making all the effort because you are terrified of him breaking up with you, which gives him a lot of power and control over the situation.

[jingleallthespringy]

How long have you been together? It's in the early stages that one can be insanely in love, adoring, besotted. That's the madness of new love I think. I'm not sure you are putting him on a pedestal, more that you are in that first flush. But he doesn't seem to be, or not in the same way. It's a good sign that he has a big circle of (mixed) friends and I agree that it would be a wrench to lose them too if you split. He's an attractive package in that way.

However, I do agree that you are being very intense. I don't know how you could not be intense when, out of the blue, he finished it; then mumbled that he was considering ending it again! No wonder you're a cat on a hot tin roof.

You may think he's fabulous but, frankly, he is annoying the hell out of me. Ridiculous, of course (slaps self). So, here is a man who was celibate by choice. Hmm. Lots of self-control then.

What he could do with is you going off him for a bit - genuinely going off him, getting tired of the incredibly high drama and you being strung right out (at a time you should be relaxed and really enjoying yourself). That might wake him up. Not that you can orchestrate it of course.

[Conflugenglugen]

btw, his taking you to the supermarket and paying for your fortnightly shop is only fair; it isn't him being considerate. It really should go without saying.

[Conflugenglugen]

Winter - I think you are taking far too much responsibility for what's going on here, I really do. Pedestal indeed. You might think there's equality, but you are elevating him above what is reasonable and justified.

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

Thanks for everyone's comments so far - he's due round to my house any minute now, so I'm logging off. He kindly said he'd take me to the supermarket as my car's in the garage, plus he said he'd pay for my fortnightly shop as he's always eating at my house. He is a sweet considerate man MOST of the time...

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

Ginsoaked - yes, I would have to concede that he should be knocked off his pedestal - and I think that DP more than anyone would agree!

[CheshireSplat]

Oops! Maybe unfortunately took your instruction to tell the truth at all times too literally!!!

Good luck! You both sound lovely.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Winter... We can only make assumptions based on what and HOW you post about this. I picked up your concern/angst - call it what you like. I've had a boyfriend like yours (as described) before... it was only when I finally called it a day - and was strong about it - much as ledkr explains, that I really felt the weight was gone from my shoulders.

You don't feel secure and he's about to move in with you? That's a mistake, in my opinion. Moving in together is a huge step and should be when you are both at ease and happy with each other, totally in it for the long haul and willing to make adjustments on either side. As you've posted, I can see that you'd be more than willing to do whatever is needed to make it work but you can't run a relationship by yourself. He has to want it too. You've only recently really become a couple again and he should be keen to make allowances as you are doing.

I would have grave concerns at your perception of a 'void' in your social life were you to split up. Make your own circle of friends or be happy and content in your own company so that should the worst happen, you would not feel bereft.

Look at what you've posted and put yourself outside of the situation. If somebody here had posted your OP, would you recognise your own situation? What would your advice be to them?

I wish you well, it's very easy for outsiders to comment on what they know only snippets of. Just be aware that it is YOU that has provided those snippets and realise that your concerns, whilst maybe groundless, may not be so and are entirely valid. Keep yourself - and your emotional state - safe until you're absolutely sure that this man is somebody who will freely return your affection without the 'conditions'.

[CheshireSplat]

I disagree with most of the views on here too based on a couple of my own experiences. First of all, I think you can be too honest with someone else. A few months into my relationship with my now DH I had a bit of a wobble and thought about splitting up. I left it cos I was due to move a few hundred miles away so thought it would sort itself out one way or the other. He then went on to become "the love of my life" so I was very pleased I'd kept schtum.

You also asked if relationships could work second time around or if you split up for a reason. You do split up for a reason but that doesn't have to be fatal. Same boyfriend dumped me after we'd been together 2 years saying he couldn't deal with the distance although he still loved me (which everyone informed me was a lame excuse , if he really loved you blah blah blah (yea thanks, like i didn't feel bad enough!)). I was devasted and no-one else matched up. I then met him again 3 years later (to try to get him out of my system) and we got straight back together and now 4 years on are married and have a DD. I know loads of people who have made it second time around (so far!). I also know a friend who was determined never to get married or have kids, came off his bike, nearly died and married his girlfriend and now has 2 DDs. So facing death can change people's perspectives.

FWIW, I think your Dp sounds a sweetie who analyses things and maybe in

[GinSoakedMu1berryLush]

if you find that his comments and his constant re-evaluation of the relationship set you nervously on edge and prevent you from enjoying what is supposed to be a relatively commited relationship you want then you would have to concede that although he's not 'abusive', perhaps he should be knocked off his pedestal??? Nobody ever knows what's around the corner, two years from now, a year from now, but if he's making you feel insecure NOW then that's wrong.

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

And the question of commitment is ever more pertinent because he's due to move into my house in a few weeks...

[Winterbluesinmyhead]

Yes I have to admit I was a bit surprised at some of the comments. He's not a serial dumper and I definitely don't consider that I am in an abusive relationship but then again I do welcome everyone's opinions because I don't want to walk around viewing the world through false rose tinted glasses...

[overmydeadbody]

I tihnk it is a scary thing, committing to someone when you have such strong feelings for them and you know they have the same for you. I tihnk it's only human that he was a bit scared by those feelings.

I have been scared by the intensity of my feelings for DP, and also other times felt nervous after he has declared how much I mean to him, just because it's such a big commitment.

No one makes other big commitments in life without really questioninng whether they are making the right decision, so why not in relationships too? If I were to buy a new house or accept a new job offer I would really have to question whether it was what I really wanted first. Same with partners.

[overmydeadbody]

I disagree with the others, he doesn't sound manipulating or a player, or like he is deliberately trying to control you, just like he said some things out loud that al people would think inside their heads.


He only proke up with you once, he hasn't made a pattern of it or anything.

I think op you should not put so much weight on one thing he said and just be confident now, be yourself, but stop worrying that he might end it again. Worrying won't change the outcome.

I do think others are making more of ths than there is though.