How would you feel if you suspected a male friend wasn't telling his DW about the time you spend together?

[Durab]

I've know this man about 15 years, we were colleagues initially, but haven't been for a long time. We still work in the same city and meet for a drink after work maybe 5-6 times a year. A very occasional text in between, maybe a joke or something about the football, but nothing else.

That said, I do count him as a good close friend. When we are out together we generally spend the first hour talking about work/children, then move on to football and once the beer is properly flowing will set about putting the world to rights. There's not much I couldn't talk to him about and we always have a good laugh. We are both football fans and TBH I don't know many people I can share this interest with - DH not interested and neither are my female friends. He has two DSs 7 years older than my 2 and he coached his DS1's football team from when they were 5-18, so he has become my go to for advice on raising boys. He's always treated me with complete respect and I have no reason to suspect the friendship is anything but platonic on either side.

However, something he said when we were arranging our next night out made me think he's not intending to tell his wife who he'll be with. I think because he likes a quiet life and it's easier not to than because there's anything to hide, but even so....I always tell DH exactly where I'm going and who with and if he's awake when I get in, will relate much of our drunken conversation - although I suspect he doesn't listen There was one other occasion when I suspected this, but when I challenged him, he just said "she doesn't ask" the evening progressed and I didn't think about it any more.

I've never met his DW, not deliberately, I don't think, we live in opposite directions 40 miles out of the city and have never socialised other than after work. He doesn't talk about her much, but when he does, he has occasionally had a gripe about how her (freelance) work took too much time away from DC, especially when she was making no money and he was working all hours to support them, but he was also incredibly proud when she sold her first work.

So, anyway, what would you think and what, if anything, would you do? I am uncomfortable with it, but he is an important friend to me. I don't think issuing an ultimatum would help, he'd react badly to being pushed into a corner over anything. I also wouldn't expect to be able to tell any of my other friends how they should deal with issues in their marriages

[scaevola]

There's an enormous difference between having a friend, and introducing deceit into a marriage in order to hide the extent of a relationship.

OP, you posted because you are worried about what he is doing. Even if you don't see this as an EA, he may have already begun so to do. Meetings yo know to be secret from his wife are a bad idea. I suggest you tell him that.

It's up to him how he chooses to treat his wife. But no need to let yourself be dragged in. Unless of course you want a secret relationship.

[StillSquiffy]

If you are simply platonic friends then I fail to see why it is any of your business or interest as to why he doesn't tell her about you.

If it was a girlfriend you were meeting and she told you her DH didn't know about her meeting you, you'd think "He must be a bit of an arse" but it certainly wouldn't vex you, surely? It's between the two of them and nothing to do with you.

I really fail to see why it is of relevance. Unless of course you think he sees you as something more than a mate.

[alreadytaken]

"If it was a girlfriend you were meeting and she told you her DH didn't know about her meeting you, you'd think "He must be a bit of an arse" but it certainly wouldn't vex you, surely?"

Well, yes it would vex me a bit because I would be concerned about my friend being with someone who is a bit of an arse.

In my experience my male friends' wives usually tolerate other friendships. We at least try to pretend we like each other and meet with our partners sometimes. One of my male friends married someone I now consider a friend - we're still in touch now my friend is dead, despite living far apart. So it certainly isn't universal. But I wouldn't give up an old friend because their wife (or husband) was an arse. I might see them less often to avoid straining the relationship but when it ends they need their friends.