Don't know how to think about this. My h and I have had lots of ups and downs in general, but over the last three/four years especially. We have gone through three long periods (the most recent has just finished) where he hasn't spoken to me at all (the longest time was for two months). All this means that I have (much more in the past) spoken to my friends about him quite a lot. We went to a few counselling sessions this year which we are no longer going to as he stopped coming after a huge blow up in one of them (which caused the last long period of silence). During the counselling it came to light that he is very bitter about my talking about him to other people - including my Aunt whom he knows. From my point of view, I was seeking support during times which were very difficult for me, and really talking about the whole of my relationship as it were - not just HIM - though he is an integral part of things!!
This is to set the context. I have a friend who comes over occasionally as her daughter is very good friends with mine. There was one occasion a few months back where she did pretty much ignore him when he came home and sat with her back turned to him, talking only to me. Now I don't know why she did this. H brought this up in counselling and said it was because I had badmouthed him to her. It is true that I had told her about my "relationship" and the hard things within it. I don't know if this is why she behaved in this way. I don't know her all that well really and it could be that she herself felt bad vibes from h (who can be very standoffish and sit in the corner of the living room, working on his laptop, ignoring everyone).
Since that occasion I think she might have come over once for a cup of tea and once briefly to pick up her daughter. Both times I was relieved that h wasn't around. Yesterday, thinking that things might be ok as we are getting on a little better since last long period of silence, I invited my friend over with another friend of ours. I told h who said he hoped they were going to "behave" to which I said I hoped he was going to. Not a good start.
H was out when they first came over so I thought he would be out all afternoon. I then went to get my son from guitar club leaving my other kids with my two friends at home, looking after their own kids and mine.
When I came back, h was also there, playing snooker in a room off the living room. My friends were sat at the table. No communication between both parties but I didn't know who had said hello to whom or not.
My friends and their children left. A while later h blew up saying he didn't want that "donkey" (my friend he dislikes) to ever come here again and that if I wanted to behave like that with her we could do it at her house. So she must have ignored him I take it. My other friend he said was "normal" because she must have greeted him when he came in. That if she (the "donkey") came here again he would say something. That she had ignored him again because of me. I said that this was not true (I haven't spoken to her about him for weeks and weeks at this stage), that I am not her. I also said that when his friend (A) came round and didn't seem able to make eye contact with me at all, I didn't go off on one. At this point h got angrier and called me "thick" and "dim", saying he hardly "A". I then said that maybe I don't know my friend either. Throughout his tirade he was effing and blinding. All in front of our three dc. I said I wouldn't not invite my friend here and that what he was saying sounded like a threat. He said it was. In short it was awful. All three kids were silent and watching. I then went upstairs upset and youngest dd folllowed and gave me a cuddle. When I came back down h was being super nice to kids. We haven't said a word to each other since then except for this morning when he was making himself a cup of tea and asked me if I wanted one.
I think my friend might be a bit upset as she was behaving a little strangely when she went home yesterday, and didn't answer a couple of texts I sent her (about non related things) later on. I am hoping to speak to her later on but don't really know how to bring up this whole thing without offending her.
During h's tirade yesterday where he called me thick and dim and shouted at me, I knew that really I cannot live with someone who thinks it's okay to talk to me like this, especially in front of the dc. Then I start to think about all the difficult things about being away from the dc some of the time if h and I separate 
.
H is a very closed off character who takes things very personally and is mistrustful of people in general. This is not the first time that he has expressed anger at being "ignored" in his own home. Yet he doesn't speak to my sister AT ALL when she comes over as they fell out more than two years ago. She was very upset about this at first but has got used to it. I can't get used to it though .
So I suppose my question is - is h right in feeling so aggrieved? Am I right to feel that really I cannot live with someone who calls me thick and dim in front of my kids??
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Relationships
friend ignores h, h blows a gasket at me - long, sorry
feelokaboutit · 15/11/2012 11:54
My Dad lives abroad and my Mum died 6 years ago, so I cannot go and stay with
my parents . I envy those friends who have their parents up the road.
I don't have that many close friends and everybody seems to be so overwhelmed by their own life that it is difficult imagining anyone wanting me and my 3 dc on top of them.
My sister does live close by but has a tiny flat and a very busy life.
I am worried that if I leave the family home, h may be more likely to get custody were he to go for it, as it would mean the children were in their familiar environment.
I am totally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am totally not adversarial by nature and I feel I will be letting myself in for hell. If h blew a gasket about friend, imagine how he will be about all of this.
I want to run away and have it all sorted out without being there 
.
Thanks for more messages. Spoke to friend today and asked if she had been ok at my house as she had seemed a little upset when she left (which I must have projected onto her at the time 
). She said she was totally fine and that I always worry about stuff like that and just laughed. So I think maybe she doesn't realize any of what is going on. She probably just thinks h is very grumpy and leaves him to it. She doesn't realize that he is fuming because he feels so ignored by a visitor to his house. It's really swings and roundabouts because I don't think how offputting h can be to some people. If he likes someone however he can be affable and polite.
The thing about h is that he immigrated to this country when he was 10, and both he and his family had a very hard time when they first came here (in the 60s - h is now 56 and I am 43), having stones thrown at them and being spat at in the street. This was then followed by his Dad eventually leaving the family home due to his alchoholism. H's ego is extremely fragile and he will negatively interpret things which are nothing to other people.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that h and I are totally not talking again. Not only h (who finds it very easy not to talk and was really only talking when I spoke to him before) but also me, because I cannot bring myself to say anything to him. That would make it seem that I condone / accept his behaviour the other evening calling me thick / dim / shouting and swearing. This is all like a nightmare. We are supposed to be going to his mother's house this weekend as it is ds's birthday next week but I don't know how I travel with h and spend time in his family's home, when we are in this state .
Words cannot express how awful I feel inside, but am having to half function because of this kids.
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