Sexless relationships

[Bubblenut]

Can a relationship be fine if there is limited or no sex?

[Offred]

Those marriage vows are relevant only to religious marriage and breaking one is not made better by another being broken is it? Why not leave if he broke his vow? why break yours too? As I've said, it is understandable but it is still wrong. All people do wrong sometimes, if you have a problem admitting when you have done wrong then you have a bigger problem than simply what you did IMO.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

I don't think having an affair is remotely wrong in the situation Darkesteyes describes. Her H was treating her like a toy he didn't want to play with but wouldn't let anyone else have, either.

Don't forget: monogamy is a social construct, the purpose of which is to allow men to own a woman each for domestic work and childbreeding. That's all it is, so forget all the guff about the sacredness of it; do it if it suits you and bin it if it doesn't.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Also, it takes guts for a woman to have an affair when she's married to a man who is selfish (and to withdraw sex unilaterally and refuse to discuss it is selfish) - women are still socialised intensely to put men's needs ahead of their own and endure bad marriages. Affairs are often the best way of escaping a bad situation.

[Darkesteyes]

So before my registry office marriage i guess i should have
. foreseen all this before taking my vows.
So with my body i thee worship is only for religious marriage but keep you only unto them is for ALL marriage.
Wow Offred are you rewriting ALL the marriage vows or just the parts that suit you.
All "people do wrong sometimes" Really?? Really. Talk about belittling.

[Offred]

Monogamy is nothing to do with it. No-one forced her to stay. She could have discussed it, he could have done. They didn't, instead they both played a pathetic game of tit for tat. What is the actual point? Facts are she is perfectly entitled to be non-monogamous, he is perfectly entitled to be asexual but the part that is unacceptable is the part where each of them lie to each other about what they want:

[Offred]

No darkest as you well know I am NOT saying he didn't do you wrong. I am simply saying doing wrong to him in retaliation for a wrong done to you is not right. Both of you have done wrong to each other.

[Darkesteyes]

Hi Solid. I was 19 when i met DH. Im now 39. I used to post as carernotasaint. im beginning to see things so differently since rediscovering feminism last year at the age of 38.
i know that if i met the sexiest most loving man on earth tommorrow i would still never marry again.
Our marriage is open on my side now but it had to go through a lot to get to this stage.

[Darkesteyes]

i never lied to him Offred. I tried to broach the subject many times over the course of SEVEN YEARS before the affair.

[Offred]

Having an affair IS lying otherwise it would be an open relationship and not an affair. You chose to have an affair rather than leave when you were aware of his refusal to discuss things.

[Offred]

The fact you tried to talk for seven years and were met with refusal doesn't make me think having an affair was right it makes me think "why would anyone put up with being so completely stonewalled by their spouse?" It doesn't give you some kind of martyrdom points that you can spend on secret extramarital sex, it just makes you disingenuous, most especially to yourself and secondly to your husband.

[Darkesteyes]

[OneMoreChap]

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR
Also, it takes guts for a woman to have an affair when she's married to a man who is selfish (and to withdraw sex unilaterally and refuse to discuss it is selfish)


I'd have said that's not gender specific.

Affairs are often the best way of escaping a bad situation.

Been there, done that. I regret it. I should have just left, and I tend to agree with Offred a bit.

I do wonder how it would be received if a man said, "Well, I love her, but no sex is a dealbreaker, so I'm leaving." Some posters, I'm sure, would say victim blame - "Well, why doesn't she want to have sex with you...".

[notanotherstatistic]

I think the point being made by Offred is about deceit and respecting one's partner. Monogamy has very little to do with it. Yes, SolidGold..., I totally agree that marriage and monogamy are social constructs, but when two people have signed up to that construct, one of them having an affair is deceitful. This shouldn't be about tit for tat, but about resolving what is clearly a deal-breaker for Darkesteyes.

[notanotherstatistic]

And in the long run resolving it by having an affair rarely helps either person in these sorts of relationships.

[Helltotheno]

Our marriage is open on my side now but it had to go through a lot to get to this stage

Glad to hear that carer / Darkest, I remember some of your other posts and I don't blame you at all. Life is short....

[Darkesteyes]

Hello Hell.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Look, deciet is actually, really, not that big a deal. People who are totally honest are actually really fucking grim to live with, because 'honesty' generally means never keeping your trap shut when you have an opportunity to say something negative. I'm all in favour of the pragmatic lie in a tight situation.

People make far, far too much of a fuss about couple relationships and heteromonogamy, and I think anything short of deliberate abuse of a partner is just part of life and should be got over.

[BelaLugosisShed]

So now you know people, being lied to is no big deal and if your partner is shagging someone else, it's best to just "get over it".

Deceit is actually a very big deal deal to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence - you only have to read this board to see the damage done by a lying partner.

Honesty isn't "grim", it's vital in a healthy and happy relationship.

[Offred]

Monogamy is nothing to do with this. cheating is not unique to hetero-monogamous relationships it is a completely unrelated point. Deceit is quite a big deal actually and cheating is pretty abusive.

[Offred]

And there is a MASSIVE gap between actively deceitful and totally honest btw.

[Oblomov]

SolidGold:
"Look, deciet is actually, really, not that big a deal."

were you refering to little white lies here: does my bum look big in that dress...
or were you refering to deceit as in an 'affair'.

We all know affairs are very damaging. Then are 100's of threads on Mn, from ladies (and Men) who have found out that their dh/dp/dw has had an affair.
Surely you can't argue that they are not damaging.

[Darkesteyes]

Offred so you want to talk about dishonesty so here goes.
In last months issue of Easy Living there was a very big article on sexless marriages. There were several examples including the example of "Dave" and "Maria" (not their real names obvs) They havent had sex for well over a year but when she broaches the subject he doesnt want to know.
HOWEVER when they are out in public he is very taciturn and touchy feely and affectionate.
But at home he doesnt want to know. Now if there is nothing wrong with what he is doing at home and it is not abusive to withhold affection then he shouldnt need to put on a show in public should he? BUT HE DOES. And ive seen threads on here which have mirrored this couple.

[WaitingForMe]

My relationship with my ex was a bit like "Dave" and "Maria" Darkesteyes. I think that was the hardest bit. I remember one day him making a comment on a night out and I just flipped and said it was all bullshit and that actually he was frigid.

Not my best moment admittedly but I used to feel I was going mad when I lived with him.

[Darkesteyes]

So sorry to hear that Waiting. I dont blame you in the slightest. i think i would have done the same.
In my case though DH isnt affectionate in or out of the home. So in a way at least thats a bit more honest.
In fact an ex work colleugue of mine went to give him a quick thankyou hug after we had given her a lift home from my old night shift job.
He nearly jumped out of his skin.
She apologised and said that she is quite a touchy feely person and thats how she expresses thanks.
DH glared at her and said "Well im not" So people around us know that he isnt taciturn anyway.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

I agree that sexless relationships can and do work of both people are ok with it

Of they're not I think it's a recipe for disaster

I also think having an affair isn't the worst thing you can do, I can totally see why some people get to that point. Is it great? No but it's not illegal and sometimes it works out for the best. Often things are not completely black and white