Do I let my stbxh buy me a house?

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

My dh earns a hell of a lot more than I do. I have chosen to ask for a trial separation, which may end up permanant. I have made it clear we should assume it is permanant and not put life on hold during the separation. He would prefer we stayed together. There is noone else involved.

Sorry if the above sounds heartless but I just want opinions on this: my dh wants to buy me and the children a house 2 mins walk away from our current home. He works from home so is keeping the business address. I cannot afford the new house under any circumstances. However, if we sold our current home I would get half I guess, so could buy a much, much smaller place outright. He wants to keep the house, and remortgage against it so that we both own the current house and the new house. He says he is happy to pay for both as that would be affordable for him (bank and lawyers agree) and that means he gets to visit etc. as often as he/they like. I'd have custody, and we'd firm up arrangements down the line for them to see as much of their dad as appropriate/possible.

I do work and earn (just not anything like he does!!!) and have contributed heavily to our current house thanks to a lucky buy before the property boom.

Do I want to be dependent on him to pay my mortgage? And buy a house bigger than I would probably choose/in a better area i.e. bills/council tax higher?

I want it to be as bearable as possible for the children so his proposal does make sense but I'm worried that all of my judgement is way off as we're going through a very emotional time. He's a lovely guy and I like and trust him - he's not doing it to spy on me if anyone suspects it! We've been together since I was a teenager, and have two young children. I'm now 40. Any thoughts/advice/experience appreciated. I know nothing about maintenance etc etc or where I should end up financially after we split, I'm scared of being out of my depth. That said the new house is totally rent/sellable so I could change plans again. Sorry for the long post.

[bringupthebabies]

I told him I should find my own solicitor today and he agreed. So now I need to find one

What would you have done if he hadn't agreed?

It seems to me that you are relying on him because that's what you are used to doing. But in this situation you need to stop seeking his agreement and act for yourself. Don't delay seeing that solicitor. YOu need someone in your corner and objective. Good advice re counselling.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I say this on a lot of threads, but: make sure you get a decent solicitor, not necessarily a wickedly expensive one, but they must be experienced in family/divorce law, and importantly one that you feel comfortable working with. They need to be strong on your behalf, but not needlessly confrontational. A well-trained Rottweiler, if you will.

[Happylander]

Could you afford the mortgage on your own in the new house?

My ex is still on my mortgage but I pay it all and when I can get a mortgage in my own name I will just get his name removed. Could you look at doing that? Paying it all by yourself from your own bank account and not one with his name on.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Hello, and thank you for reading my nonsense as I work my way through all this. So the survey etc is under way on the new house, and I am going to move with the children in January. The new mortgage is also in both names. I have an appointment to see a solicitor, but tbh I am confident that with both properties in both names it'll be okay, and I'm happy for the kids that we'll be living so near to each other. If we decide to make the separation permanent we can clean up/split the finances (in the mean time he's keeping me on his amex account if i need the extra dosh and he'll pay the mortgage, i'll pay everything else for me and kids out of my salary).
However, I am getting increasingly terrified about:

will the kids hate not having dad there all the timeand constantly want to visit the old fh?
will i be miserable and regret leaving? (i really don't want to be with him anymore)
will anyone else ever want me?? (god i sound pathetic)
will i be plain bored and stuck in the house feeling sad? (i am anyway)

So, I've answered my own questions to some degree, but these things are what are keeping me up all night. Maybe I'm just avoiding thinking about the practicalities of getting the surveys, furniture budget shopping, getting someone to help me make flatpack furniture, put up blinds and a pulley... dear god it just all seems so real. And I'm scared.

[Happylander]

Children will adjust and will get used to it either being just you or just him.

You may be sad for a while but eventually you will stop being miserable and enjoy yourself and your own company.

There are as many single men out there as women I think so don't worry about that. Take some time out from dealing with the male ego and focus on yourself.

For a while maybe but trust me you will start to like having the break from being a parent and being able to do your own thing and so won't be sad but happier than you are now

If you can't be arsed to do the flatpack etc find a handy man and pay him to do it for you. My neighbour does all my odd jobs as although I could do them I simply can't be bothered.

You will be fine and think positive.