Do I let my stbxh buy me a house?

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

My dh earns a hell of a lot more than I do. I have chosen to ask for a trial separation, which may end up permanant. I have made it clear we should assume it is permanant and not put life on hold during the separation. He would prefer we stayed together. There is noone else involved.

Sorry if the above sounds heartless but I just want opinions on this: my dh wants to buy me and the children a house 2 mins walk away from our current home. He works from home so is keeping the business address. I cannot afford the new house under any circumstances. However, if we sold our current home I would get half I guess, so could buy a much, much smaller place outright. He wants to keep the house, and remortgage against it so that we both own the current house and the new house. He says he is happy to pay for both as that would be affordable for him (bank and lawyers agree) and that means he gets to visit etc. as often as he/they like. I'd have custody, and we'd firm up arrangements down the line for them to see as much of their dad as appropriate/possible.

I do work and earn (just not anything like he does!!!) and have contributed heavily to our current house thanks to a lucky buy before the property boom.

Do I want to be dependent on him to pay my mortgage? And buy a house bigger than I would probably choose/in a better area i.e. bills/council tax higher?

I want it to be as bearable as possible for the children so his proposal does make sense but I'm worried that all of my judgement is way off as we're going through a very emotional time. He's a lovely guy and I like and trust him - he's not doing it to spy on me if anyone suspects it! We've been together since I was a teenager, and have two young children. I'm now 40. Any thoughts/advice/experience appreciated. I know nothing about maintenance etc etc or where I should end up financially after we split, I'm scared of being out of my depth. That said the new house is totally rent/sellable so I could change plans again. Sorry for the long post.

[Happylander]

Children will adjust and will get used to it either being just you or just him.

You may be sad for a while but eventually you will stop being miserable and enjoy yourself and your own company.

There are as many single men out there as women I think so don't worry about that. Take some time out from dealing with the male ego and focus on yourself.

For a while maybe but trust me you will start to like having the break from being a parent and being able to do your own thing and so won't be sad but happier than you are now

If you can't be arsed to do the flatpack etc find a handy man and pay him to do it for you. My neighbour does all my odd jobs as although I could do them I simply can't be bothered.

You will be fine and think positive.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Hello, and thank you for reading my nonsense as I work my way through all this. So the survey etc is under way on the new house, and I am going to move with the children in January. The new mortgage is also in both names. I have an appointment to see a solicitor, but tbh I am confident that with both properties in both names it'll be okay, and I'm happy for the kids that we'll be living so near to each other. If we decide to make the separation permanent we can clean up/split the finances (in the mean time he's keeping me on his amex account if i need the extra dosh and he'll pay the mortgage, i'll pay everything else for me and kids out of my salary).
However, I am getting increasingly terrified about:

will the kids hate not having dad there all the timeand constantly want to visit the old fh?
will i be miserable and regret leaving? (i really don't want to be with him anymore)
will anyone else ever want me?? (god i sound pathetic)
will i be plain bored and stuck in the house feeling sad? (i am anyway)

So, I've answered my own questions to some degree, but these things are what are keeping me up all night. Maybe I'm just avoiding thinking about the practicalities of getting the surveys, furniture budget shopping, getting someone to help me make flatpack furniture, put up blinds and a pulley... dear god it just all seems so real. And I'm scared.

[Happylander]

Could you afford the mortgage on your own in the new house?

My ex is still on my mortgage but I pay it all and when I can get a mortgage in my own name I will just get his name removed. Could you look at doing that? Paying it all by yourself from your own bank account and not one with his name on.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I say this on a lot of threads, but: make sure you get a decent solicitor, not necessarily a wickedly expensive one, but they must be experienced in family/divorce law, and importantly one that you feel comfortable working with. They need to be strong on your behalf, but not needlessly confrontational. A well-trained Rottweiler, if you will.

[bringupthebabies]

I told him I should find my own solicitor today and he agreed. So now I need to find one

What would you have done if he hadn't agreed?

It seems to me that you are relying on him because that's what you are used to doing. But in this situation you need to stop seeking his agreement and act for yourself. Don't delay seeing that solicitor. YOu need someone in your corner and objective. Good advice re counselling.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Hi, thank you whattodo, and everyone else - I really appreciate your input and advice, it is helping me to think and address reality; and gain perspective. Chipping your reply to Molly made me laugh properly for the first time in ages!!!
Annie I think you're right, I really do need to find out more and although I feel I trust him as you and many others have said I need legal input. I told him I should find my own solicitor today and he agreed. So now I need to find one - I suddenly feel pathetic and out of my depth! I'll get on the case.
Hope - thank you, you're helping me to realise that I have to address my own needs and I will try to find out about counselling locally - I have some friends I can ask who I know see someone.
I wish it could all be out in the open in RL, it just feels so horrible just now because we've agreed not to tell family until after xmas (his dads has depression) as we'll be with his parents then. So only a couple of my close friends know, and fwiw they're of the opinion that it needed to happen and are being totally supportive. But, one's pregnant and planning her wedding, and the other has never married/had kids- so MN advice is much much needed!!! Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
If I go with the current plan, I get the keys to the new place Dec 14th. I could have it ready to move into after xmas. I know it's the easy option and probably not the best one but I honestly don't feel strong enough to do anything else. We've instructed a survey to go ahead on it for now.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Molly - are you the STBXH?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Like I said earlier, if the stbx is indeed being sensible and generous, the OP's solicitor will encourage her to go for it. No harm done. If, on the other hand, he's pulling a fast one, it's best to know. You know what they say: hope for the best, but plan for the worst. And we have seen so many "lovely guys" in our own lives and on here who weren't nearly so lovely when a split was on the cards, so it's best to be cautious.

[hopespringy]

the children are not the entire priority - huge priority, yes, but not the only priority.

[Mollydoggerson]

I think people are uber paranoid on here.

How can anyone fully assert 'HE IS DOING THIS TO KEEP CONTROL'. Doom, doom, doom, because all men are control freaks!!!

I can't see that as his motivation at all, he will probably move on and find someone else, and may not pop in that much, he is just leving an avenue open for the children to be able to have easy and regular access to both parents. He is also ensuring the children's lives remain as steady as possible in the same neighbourhood and socio economic circle etc.

Honestly, why presume the worst??

[Mollydoggerson]

I think it iss a very sensible and fantastic idea and will make the family diversification much easier for your children, whicdh is of course the priority.

I think your stbxh sounds lovely and savvy.

[hopespringy]

You need to get some advice on your own, you can't have the same solicitor - particularly as you haven't even spoken to them yourself! I think you'll find you have much more rights than you currently believe.

You need not just legal advice - though that will certainly help to firm things up - but emotional advice too. You'll be practically within huffing distance and that's far too close. It's not too late to pull out of the sale - nothing is signed, the offer is only accepted, that's all. Plenty fall at this hurdle so don't worry about it. imo 2 mins away is far too close for you to get some space and clarity, which you need imo.

It's all a bit of a mess really because you don't have any clarity on what you're doing, only following a deep conviction that this has to happen. I say 'only' but it's not 'only' is it - it's a hard thing to do and you are finding it very hard to make that decision. No wonder, if he [appears to be] is controlling every move? but perhaps he's doing that because you're all of a dither about it? I don't know, but please get some counselling as soon as to bash out what you feel, what you want to do, why you feel so guilty etc. YOu need to unpick all this, the guilt is crucifying you and you can't make decisions when you're in that kind of funk.

I found making the decision to separate when kids were involved very, very hard. I needed a counsellor to help me make sense of the jumble of emotions I was feeling, which had effectively jammed my thinking to the point that I couldn't make even basic decisions come the end. YOur guts are telling you that you have to separate - survival instinct kicking in? I was in a similar position and I remember the turmoil.

[Happylander]

To me this screams of control. He wants you to be in a house a few minutes away so he can come and go as he pleases and keep an eye on you and make it very difficult for you to move on.

Please get your own solicitor asap. Do not sign the papers until you have had independent advice. How do you know he is even telling you what his solicitor is saying.

Hope you are okay. Do not be sidetracked by your guilt.

[whattodoo]

OP, I hope you don't feel unable to post anymore because you're going a different route to what most people here have suggested.
You're doing what you feel is for the best. you shouldn't be feeling any guilt.
Please keep posting, I'm certain that we all want to support you through this.

[Sausagedog27]

How are you today op?

[Lovingfreedom]

This sounds pretty odd...why would the partner who prefers you to stay together be pushing so hard to set you up with alternative accommodation? What's his motivation here?

[Lovingfreedom]

This sounds pretty odd...why would the partner who prefers you to stay together be pushing so hard to set you up with alternative accommodation? What's his motivation here?

[Bogeyface]

He is doing this so he can keep control of you.

You cant have the same solicitor in the event of a marital breakdown, it is conflict of interests and if the solicitor agrees to advise you too then you need to report them to the Law Society as it is illegal.

He can do what he likes with regards offers etc, but until you sign on the dotted line, it means nothing.

Get independent legal advice and dont sign anything.

I get the feeling that his control of you is a major issue in your marriage :(

[bringupthebabies]

PS He is NOT 'buying you a house' - he is minimising disruption for him. He is getting you to buy a house with him because it suits... you guessed it him.

It will be better for DCs to be a bit further away, less confusing for them.

[bringupthebabies]

ITS NOT TOO LATE. YOu can withdraw up until contracts are signed.

It IS madness to allow yourself to get further entwined with your H when what you are trying to do is get disentangled.

This is why people have solicitors - to be informed, make unemotional not guilt-ridden decisions, and to not cause further long-term problems, which this arrangement most assuredly will.

What will you do when he moves in OW + kids, decides he can't stand the sight of you, starts using the kids against you etc etc.

What about when he stops paying the mortgage? Or his business goes bankrupt? When he prevents you selling because you have lost your job and need to move to get another?

He is already showing you that his concern now is for him - his business, how he will see kids. And when you say no? He ignores you, confidant he can persuade you to do just what he wants.

Have you actually read any of the other threads on here OP? Open your eyes.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

You need to stop letting your guilt over ride your common sense.

You cannot both have the same solicitor.

He is using your guilt to control you and you are letting him.

[Lovingfreedom]

You won't know what your options are really until you take a list of assets and earnings to your solicitor (you'll need your own, one can't act for both of you) and have an initial chat.

Intrinsic to a separation is that you separate the decision-making. It's simply not up to him where you live any more or for him to own your home. It comes across that you feel guilty about wanting the separation (you've said as much) and like you feel your husband is doing you a favour financially.

Please do remember that anything that you and your DH accrued during the marriage is jointly owned....it is not him giving you something of his...you are entitled to a share of everything, even if he actually earned more/most/all of it. This includes the equity in property and also pension (which you can often arrange to have paid to you in cash). Your solicitor will also guide you on what you can expect re maintenance etc. You are very well advised to see a solicitor ASAP. You often get the initial session for free.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Yes, that. Independent legal advice from someone who is paid to be on your side, and someone you talk to rather than believing the man you're about to separate from, when he doesn't want you to. STBXH should not be authorised to make any moves, purchases or whatever, until you have taken legal advice, and financial advice too if your financial affairs are complicated. If he's not trying to pull a fast one he won't mind because your adviser will say what a generous offer, go with it. I bet he is though, I absolutely bet my bottom dollar on it. Please don't let guilt lead you to make unwise concessions.

Oh, and stop calling yourself a home wrecker. It's not only unfair to yourself (I'm sure you'd far rather have a husband you could bear to stay with), it's insulting to those of us who are already separated or divorced! Trouble is, you're so keen on not being a bitch that you run the risk of being a doormat instead; and you know what happens to doormats. They get trampled by shitty boots. Don't let this be you.

[whattodoo]

You're not a bitch, or an idiot. But i'm worrying about how much control he is taking.
Please get your own solicitor before this goes much further.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

I agreed to it. I said no after the feedback on here last night, but he persuaded me it's right. So I said okay.
I feel huge guilt about wanting to split, yes. I am worried about the impact on the kids, and what it's going to do to them. At least if we live this close we can both still see them daily, which they'd want, and it means they don't have to be bounced from house to house during the week.
We have the same solicitor, I haven't spoken to him but dh has.
The more real it all becomes the worse it gets. I've tried to do this many times over the years including pre children - totally shameful not to have had the balls until post kids, I can't see how to forgive myself for that, - and now am finally going to leave. I feel like a complete bitch.