Every time we argue, he threatens to leave

[lucyellenmum]

We can't just have a normal argument, it has to degenerate in him threatening to leave and me begging him not to, trying to keep it discrete in front of DD. Today he said he'd stay til after DDs halloween party and then we sort of made up properly and he says he is staying, where else would he go and he loves me. I am a bitch and difficult to live with but i sometimes feel as if i have a greivance about stuff i am better off not saying anything. I do love him, but this just leaves me flat. Maybe he WILL leave after her party? I know he is only staying for her.

[VodkaJelly]

My DP used to do this years ago, it was when I had caught him out doing something he shouldnt be doing, he would grap the bin bags and start to pack his clothes, I would cry and beg him not to go, so whatever he had done never got discussed and he "got away" with his bad behaviour.

After a few years (about 3) I got fed up with it and the next time he tried this trick i brought the role of bin bags up and told him to use more as he wont get all his clothes in one bag and to leave his front door key in the hallway.

He stopped what he was doing and stormed out. And he has never threatened to leave again as he knew I was serious.

[ObscuredByClouds]

I agree with the other posters. Oh had a habit of doing this and I did end up calling his bluff and told him to 'get out then' after I snapped. Took a few years to get to that point though.

I too used to panic and beg him to stay but I just simply couldn't live with him threatening to leave all the time when we argued.

He did go (for a night) but I held strong and actually it gave me a sense of empowerment. That is what it is about, incidentally...him having power and control. Once that was taken away my dh HAD to talk because I wasn't going to let him back. I'd had enough of this threat.

He's not done it since but in all honesty, if he did, it would be over.

Be strong x

[maras2]

He called you a 'fat cunt' and you still want to be with him?Get some self respect and tell him to do one.What a rude man.And I don't care how nice he is after he's cooled down.He's not nice,he's not a good partner and he's certainly not a good father.

[colditz]

How awesome must his self esteem be! Wow, all he has to do is say he's leaving and you beg him to stay.

Next time, let him go. If he doesn't come back, you know what he thinks of you. Why do you want to be with someone who wants to leave you?

[plumedematante]

He calls you a fat cunt?

FOR GOD SAKE WOMAN!

Pack his fucking bags and turf him out. Where is your dignity? Never ever EVER let any man speak to you in this way.

Honestly, I view that as far worse than his making childish threats to leave

[mathanxiety]

Yes, the fact that 'I'm leaving' is seen as a threat by both him and you tells you things have gone way too far here for any hope of salvage.

After calling you a fat cunt he should be promising to leave and you should be ordering him to leave.

To use 'I'm leaving' as a threat after such vile language is expressing contempt for you.

[Kundry]

He called you a fat cunt?????

Never mind him threatening to leave, why aren't you throwing him out anyway.

Him going will not break your DD's heart - do you want her growing up knowing it is OK to treat women like this?

[carolst]

can you talk to him when not in the midst of an arguement and say that you know you can be difficult and that you do want you all to be happy, but for that to happen you both need to discuss the problems. tell him that you are willing to listen to his point of view, he doesn't need to resort to saying he's leaving as this solves nothing. see if he agrees so that next time there is a disagreement he will remember it, or you can remind him, let's stop now and talk about the actual problem rather than the threat of leaving. good luck hope it works out for you all

[cestlavielife]

Your dd does not want him to not leave she more likely wants you both to stop arguing... She can still see her dad if you split

My ex used to say this a lot...
Funny tho when I did actually resolve he should indeed leave, well
He refused to go !
In the end I had to be the one to up and leave with the dc.

[wilkos]

my controlling STBXH used to do this, until he said it so often it just stopped having any impact on me, as after months and months of him saying it after every disagreement I began to hope he would actually go.

After one of our very last arguments before me and DC left he threw it at me again and I shouted back "oh whatever, you always say you're leaving and you NEVER F*G GO ANYWHERE!!! For heavens sake JUST F* OFF!!"

and then I walked to the back door and held it open. Oooh he looked like a prize twat then I tell you! ad I felt great!

[MrRected]

I used to do this to DH.

It was a silly, controlling, reaction seeking thing to do. I was looking for a reaction to validate how he felt for me. One day, he simply asked me to stop doing it.

He explained, that it was childish, hurtful and totally unnecessary - given I had no intention of ever leaving (which I didn't ).

His calm - in the light of day request (not made during an argument), landed with a thud. I realised that I had been behaving like a dickhead. I was over-escalating small issues to validate my own inability to deal with situations in a mature manner.

We still argue. But I have never, ever threatened to leave him again as I realise it's a totally shit thing to do.

Can you just calmy explain to your DH - when you aren't arguing, how this makes you feel and ask him to stop?

[rhondajean]

I think what happened with us was different. One day, DH got in before me. And once he said he was going I realised wha GI put him through with my insecurity.

W have now been together almost 15 years. I won't pretend we don't have ups and downs but it's been a long time since either of us pulled that. Apart from anything else, it's not fair on our children.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

I had an ex that did this. In the end, after a couple of years, we had a humdinger of a row one Sunday night, where he told me he was leaving, then agreed to stay when I begged him.

The next morning, he gave me the 'silent treatment' to punish me. I cracked, and inside I thought, well, he's saying he doesn't want to be with me, and he's acting like he doesn't want to be with me, so fuck it, he won't be with me.

After he had left for work, I systematically went through every room in the house (including the loft), and put every single thing of his on the back garden lawn.

When he had just finished work, I told him his stuff was in the garden, and if he wanted it he had better hurry up and come and get it as it was starting to rain.

HE started begging ME to stay. I locked the doors, pulled the curtains, and ignored him.

Lucyellensmum, you have been posting about this fucknugget for years. Find your sense of self confidence and stop allowing him to treat you like this, before your DD thinks that this is the normal way for a woman to be treated, and ends up in a relationship like this herself.

If this was your DD posting this, or telling you this, what would be your advice to her? Take that advice yourself.

You can't possibly think that having two together but unhappy parents is better for your DD than having a happy mum, can you?

You do know that as soon as he leaves, your anxiety and depression will lift, don't you? It's called situational depression - it's caused by the awful situation you are living in. Change that, and your anxiety and depression will go.

Been there, got the t-shirt.

Please, PLEASE read the Women's Aid link posted upthread, and see how many abusive behaviours your partner is displaying.

Would you accept a stranger in the street calling you a fat cunt? No? So why are you accepting it from the one person who has declared his love for you, told you that you are his 'soulmate'?

Do these abusive bastards have a script or what? same thing my ex told me too. Soulmate my arse. If you truly were his soulmate, he wouldn't be calling you a fat cunt.

If he's calling you, his supposed soulmate, a fat cunt, is he calling his mum a fat cunt, and his mates fat cunts, and your neighbours fat cunts, a stranger in the street a fat cunt? No? So why does he treat other people better than the person he claims to love?

You know that you are only 'nagging' because he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, yes? If you were with a man that knew you disliked being late, he would accept that as part of you, and would go his best to be on time, and listen to your feelings, yes?

You aren't 'nagging', you are trying to get him to listen to you. But he won't.

Find your self respect and, well, leave the bastard.

You will fall apart at first, but within a week, you will realise how much freer you feel, how you aren't always walking on eggshells to keep him happy, how you can get through a day without being told you are a nag...

Your only choices are 1) Stay with him, but accept that he will do things his way, ignoring your feelings, making you feel smaller and smaller inside, like you don't matter at all, making you more and more depressed, HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Only you can know if you can feel like this, every day, for ever.

You will either have to completely ignore the fact that you have needs, and never tell him to hurry up, to put the bins out, and basically lie down and be a doormat to keep the peace (which will teach your DD that the Woman must do whatever the Man wants to keep him happy, even at the expense of her own happiness. Not a hood relationship model.)

Or you will have to continue as you are, with the 'nagging' not being heard, rows, emotional rollercoasters that leave you feeling washed out, and like you have no energy for your DD (again, been there, it leaves you feeling hollowed out for days afterwards, and just as you get back to normal, it's the weekend again), short tempered with her. *(Which will teach your DD that in a relationship it is ok to be called hurtful names, it is ok to have your opinions ignored, you don't talk about issues, you shout about them. Again not a good relationship model.)

2) Leave him.

Please think more seriously about option 2. For you and your DD. This is not a normal way to live, and I can guarantee you that the way you are acting (short tempered, 'nagging') is a DIRECT RESULT of your relationship situation and the way your partner is behaving towards you.

What would happen if you started talking about your feelings AFTER he had said he didn't want to discuss it? Would he walk away? What would he go if you CALMLY followed him, and told him "When you call me 'fat cunt' I find that hurtful"? Would he shout at you if you told him calmly?

If so, then it is NOT YOU.

The reason your counselling isn't working is because you don't need counselling. You need to not be living with someone who stonewalls you.

Go and google stonewalling, read about it, and then come back and tell me if that is what your partner is doing or not. Because it IS.

Aw, OP, you are where I was back in 2008, and it is do painful to read this, the dawning realisation that the person you would literally rip your own heart out for if they had a heart attack, treating you like this, and the fact that it is happening to somebody else and I can't help them.

I know what it must have been like to be the ladies on here that were reading MY threads back then.

Take care if yourself, OP. you are stronger than you think, and I hope you realise that soon.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

This is from the Relate website, OP.

•Stonewalling: total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. Partner feels unvalued and unheard.

[however]

My SIL used to do this with my brother. So one day he packed all his stuff and moved out. She was on the phone 2 days later and he moved back in and she's never said it since.

[ArtVandelay]

Greg! ROFL

[Mvny]

So once again sitting in my rm crying.....husband constantly putting me down especially when I said I’ve had enough. He’s constantly flirting with or without me around. I had access to his email with his knowledge....he had ask me to do some computer work until I found emails and pictures of so called friends (they were deleted) telling them he’s getting divorced if it wasn’t for the kids ...he’s so happy to be on fb and talk to his friends. We separated (6 months)He told them he wasn’t allowed to have friends mind you I stayed home with the 4kids when he picked a fight to go out And stay out or go on trips with friends to god knows where....telling me go ahead n leave see who’d want you with 4 kids telling me I’m a piece of shit I’m so miserable no one would be able to put up with me n he’s so sick of being accused the worst part we fight he does whatever he wanted n then come home like nothing happened n it’s like he comes home I’m apologizing for my actions n he’s like I love you n only you smfh ....also was told you don’t have to work I’ll take care of you lol what’s the 1st he does changes passwords to the bank even just recently a female associate was writing emails with pretty please lol having a convo like they’re best buddies I’m told it’s just business when I say something it’s always my fault some how or another ...this is going on over 30 yrs I’ve truly had enough.... I have worked on n off when he told me to get a job I would then ok quit ...but he was the provider for 30 yrs I’m afraid to move forward especially with no money but my heart has had enough!! He also makes sure I don’t talk to my family or have any close friends:-( I could go on n on but thanx I just needed to vent to someone

[lifebegins50]

It would be best to start a new thread Op.

If you are married you will be entiled to assets so you will have money.
Phone woman's aid and try to go to a local meeting...it will be the start of your happiness