Moving on - ex inlaws and ExH

[Llareggub]

Before I start I want to qualify this as saying that I am currently suffering from anxiety so probably not seeing the wood for the trees. To cut a long story short, I separated from alcoholic exH in January this year. I found myself a full-time, went back to work and have been alone with the two DCs ever since. ExH lives with his parents. He has continued to drink and so he has only had access to the DCs under supervision from his parents.

The inlaws and I have a fairly difficult relationship. Their son's drinking caused problems between us as they blamed me for a lot of if and don't see that it was his drinking that caused our marriage split - they maintain that it was partly my fault too.

They have offered me support but it comes at a price - they turn up as and when they want to "do jobs" which I have not asked for. I feel like my house is not my own. They criticise me and recently exFIL told me off for not looking after my DCs because I asked DS to put on his own seatbelt. I feel like their offer of support comes with the attitude that I am not capable of looking after my children.

My ex told me last week that he would take me to court for the children and now I feel like I cannot trust them to provide support. I understand that they should continue to have a relationship with their grandparents but I feel like it might come at too high a price.

I feel totally ground down by it all. My GP has prescribed ADs and I have been off sick this week. All I can do is sleep when the DCs are at school. My ex MIL has just left, and we have argued. I told her that I found it difficult to trust her motives given what my ex has said. She refuses to get FIL to apologise for the comment he made to me. She wants us all to sit down together to discuss but I cannot bring myself to sit, just me, in a room with three people who dislike me.

All I want is to be left alone to get on with my life without them in it. I am happy for my children to see them but I don't want a relationship with them of any kind. I don't want her standing in my kitchen or making decisions about when my lawn needs cutting.

Just so I can't be accused of drip feeding later, I should add that I once came home from holidays (pre split) to find they'd painted my living room a different colour. Of course when I challenged this she said they were only trying to help. Which of course, is what she says to me now.

I do need back up for childcare and if she is willing to do that then great. But I don't want or need them walking into my house and deciding to do stuff. I find it incredibly intrusive and stressful.

[Llareggub]

This thread has been remarkably therapeutic. I feel like I have some clarity at last. Thank you all so much.

[daffydowndilly]

Don't do it alone any longer. It is so easy to be isolated and proud in this situation, and it is not good for your anxiety or health. You have been superwoman, getting yourself a job, looking after such young children, and now it is time to start looking after yourself. What are your needs and wants, what can you do to make you feel better physically and emotionally?

You need to take charge of your relationships, particularly your in laws and learn to say no without guilty feelings. Have you considered some sort of counselling for yourself, thinking of it as you have been through the wars in your relationship and perhaps it would help you to have an impartial person to talk things through with and as a treat to you? One of the things you could work on it what you want your relationship with your in laws to be and how to achieve it, without guilt or manipulation?

[Llareggub]

Thanks. I'm sorry you've had personal experience of this too. It sucks. I think counselling will be useful when I've got time.

[daffydowndilly]

Thank you :-)

I finally asked my H to leave in March, and have kids of the same ages as you do. I am still to get back to work, but am rebuilding my life here nearer my family. I struggle to detach from the experience of coping with him for the past 7 years, and forgive myself for putting up with the drinking and behaviours. I think I found it so hard because before I became pregnant, I was not consciously aware, he travelled a lot for work and I lived my own life. But as I stopped and got on with babies, he upped the going out and drinking and lying, and I was effectively a single parent with no security and no support. And he is a 'functional drunk', albeit less and less so. The ups and downs too, everything being dependent on his moods, if he was happy I was and if he was down or I upset him he made my life miserable, on an emotional level.

One of the reasons I did move this summer, was that one of his ways to escape his problems was to move around a lot, so I constantly had to leave any support network I had built up, and he disliked me having a relationship with any of my family, and in my idiocy I went along with as I was scared that he would go out drinking if I upset him- leaving me abandoned (again) with young children; so another move didn't seem like too hard a thing to do. And it is so wonderful being near my parents and family. I love it. And I am so happy that I am no longer walking down the street crying every day, because of his behaviour. I found that therapy helped, in fact anything I did that was for me, it helped me find myself again because I was so very lost in the chaos and insanity that was his life. I ended up with anxiety too, because of the living on a knife edge because of his moods, but therapy has helped a lot. I still get it when I forget to detach, but mostly it has gone.

You have had to take ADs and time off work because of him and the situation, what are you going to do for you? Move, Al Anon, Coda, therapy, a pampering massage, visiting a friend, tell everyone who will listen what you have gone through.... it is your choice, but do look after yourself and remind yourself of that every single day. I have learnt that the hard way!

[Llareggub]

I think I remember you posting about your situation. To be honest I couldn't care less about my ex, I am completely over him. I am just overwhelmed by coping on my own with the boys and having our lives disrupted by his constant cycle of drinking/non-drinking/hospital stays. I had to leave work early a few weeks back because he'd had a suspected stroke and I just needed to get back to support my children.

What will I do for me? Well, after a lot of soul searching today I have decided that I will move. I will apply for a job that interests me but pays less money than I earn now, and will apply for the "right" job as and when it comes up. I have a friend (yes, a male friend) that has promised love, and company, and as much help as I want in my home town and I love him for it. He has promised nights out and in and babysitting if I need it. Offers like that make the decision so much easier.

[HansieMom]

Good for you!

[ToothbrushThief]

The ILs have got a vested interest in criticising you, making you feel you can't cope and controlling your life.

Remove them from your life and I bet you won't have anxiety issues anymore

Now run back to home and be happy :)

[daffydowndilly]

Sounds like a good plan, and I agree with the run home and be happy!! . The cycle of hospital stays and drinking is not something that either you or the children need be involved in. Get away!!!

[Llareggub]

It means so much to hear your support.