Moving on - ex inlaws and ExH

[Llareggub]

Before I start I want to qualify this as saying that I am currently suffering from anxiety so probably not seeing the wood for the trees. To cut a long story short, I separated from alcoholic exH in January this year. I found myself a full-time, went back to work and have been alone with the two DCs ever since. ExH lives with his parents. He has continued to drink and so he has only had access to the DCs under supervision from his parents.

The inlaws and I have a fairly difficult relationship. Their son's drinking caused problems between us as they blamed me for a lot of if and don't see that it was his drinking that caused our marriage split - they maintain that it was partly my fault too.

They have offered me support but it comes at a price - they turn up as and when they want to "do jobs" which I have not asked for. I feel like my house is not my own. They criticise me and recently exFIL told me off for not looking after my DCs because I asked DS to put on his own seatbelt. I feel like their offer of support comes with the attitude that I am not capable of looking after my children.

My ex told me last week that he would take me to court for the children and now I feel like I cannot trust them to provide support. I understand that they should continue to have a relationship with their grandparents but I feel like it might come at too high a price.

I feel totally ground down by it all. My GP has prescribed ADs and I have been off sick this week. All I can do is sleep when the DCs are at school. My ex MIL has just left, and we have argued. I told her that I found it difficult to trust her motives given what my ex has said. She refuses to get FIL to apologise for the comment he made to me. She wants us all to sit down together to discuss but I cannot bring myself to sit, just me, in a room with three people who dislike me.

All I want is to be left alone to get on with my life without them in it. I am happy for my children to see them but I don't want a relationship with them of any kind. I don't want her standing in my kitchen or making decisions about when my lawn needs cutting.

Just so I can't be accused of drip feeding later, I should add that I once came home from holidays (pre split) to find they'd painted my living room a different colour. Of course when I challenged this she said they were only trying to help. Which of course, is what she says to me now.

I do need back up for childcare and if she is willing to do that then great. But I don't want or need them walking into my house and deciding to do stuff. I find it incredibly intrusive and stressful.

[Llareggub]

It means so much to hear your support.

[daffydowndilly]

Sounds like a good plan, and I agree with the run home and be happy!! . The cycle of hospital stays and drinking is not something that either you or the children need be involved in. Get away!!!

[ToothbrushThief]

The ILs have got a vested interest in criticising you, making you feel you can't cope and controlling your life.

Remove them from your life and I bet you won't have anxiety issues anymore

Now run back to home and be happy :)

[HansieMom]

Good for you!

[Llareggub]

I think I remember you posting about your situation. To be honest I couldn't care less about my ex, I am completely over him. I am just overwhelmed by coping on my own with the boys and having our lives disrupted by his constant cycle of drinking/non-drinking/hospital stays. I had to leave work early a few weeks back because he'd had a suspected stroke and I just needed to get back to support my children.

What will I do for me? Well, after a lot of soul searching today I have decided that I will move. I will apply for a job that interests me but pays less money than I earn now, and will apply for the "right" job as and when it comes up. I have a friend (yes, a male friend) that has promised love, and company, and as much help as I want in my home town and I love him for it. He has promised nights out and in and babysitting if I need it. Offers like that make the decision so much easier.

[daffydowndilly]

Thank you :-)

I finally asked my H to leave in March, and have kids of the same ages as you do. I am still to get back to work, but am rebuilding my life here nearer my family. I struggle to detach from the experience of coping with him for the past 7 years, and forgive myself for putting up with the drinking and behaviours. I think I found it so hard because before I became pregnant, I was not consciously aware, he travelled a lot for work and I lived my own life. But as I stopped and got on with babies, he upped the going out and drinking and lying, and I was effectively a single parent with no security and no support. And he is a 'functional drunk', albeit less and less so. The ups and downs too, everything being dependent on his moods, if he was happy I was and if he was down or I upset him he made my life miserable, on an emotional level.

One of the reasons I did move this summer, was that one of his ways to escape his problems was to move around a lot, so I constantly had to leave any support network I had built up, and he disliked me having a relationship with any of my family, and in my idiocy I went along with as I was scared that he would go out drinking if I upset him- leaving me abandoned (again) with young children; so another move didn't seem like too hard a thing to do. And it is so wonderful being near my parents and family. I love it. And I am so happy that I am no longer walking down the street crying every day, because of his behaviour. I found that therapy helped, in fact anything I did that was for me, it helped me find myself again because I was so very lost in the chaos and insanity that was his life. I ended up with anxiety too, because of the living on a knife edge because of his moods, but therapy has helped a lot. I still get it when I forget to detach, but mostly it has gone.

You have had to take ADs and time off work because of him and the situation, what are you going to do for you? Move, Al Anon, Coda, therapy, a pampering massage, visiting a friend, tell everyone who will listen what you have gone through.... it is your choice, but do look after yourself and remind yourself of that every single day. I have learnt that the hard way!

[Llareggub]

Thanks. I'm sorry you've had personal experience of this too. It sucks. I think counselling will be useful when I've got time.

[daffydowndilly]

Don't do it alone any longer. It is so easy to be isolated and proud in this situation, and it is not good for your anxiety or health. You have been superwoman, getting yourself a job, looking after such young children, and now it is time to start looking after yourself. What are your needs and wants, what can you do to make you feel better physically and emotionally?

You need to take charge of your relationships, particularly your in laws and learn to say no without guilty feelings. Have you considered some sort of counselling for yourself, thinking of it as you have been through the wars in your relationship and perhaps it would help you to have an impartial person to talk things through with and as a treat to you? One of the things you could work on it what you want your relationship with your in laws to be and how to achieve it, without guilt or manipulation?

[Llareggub]

This thread has been remarkably therapeutic. I feel like I have some clarity at last. Thank you all so much.

[Llareggub]

Unfortunately there is already a routine in place as she has always provided childcare on a Monday and Wednesday. I tried to stop it when I went on my 2nd mat leave in order to spend some time with DS1 before ds2 came along and she had a massive strop and accused me of trying to take her grandchildren away.

My ex hasn't made any effort to see the boys, really. I do feel completely alone here. My ex MIL, I think, will do anything she can to keep control over the DCs. I invited them for my youngest son's birthday for tea and cake (I was very specific about the timings) as I didn't want them here all day and my eldest had chicken pox. They took over the living room and pushed me and my mother out. My eldest had a tantrum and in the end I asked her to leave as she was constantly micromanaging his play and undermining my attempts to calm him down. He was worn out from his chicken pox, needed to nap and she refused to leave until he had calmed down, even when I explained the only thing that would work would be for everyone to leave. She told me she wouldn't.

I know you will wonder why on earth I invited them but she is so manipulative I often end up feeling like I am the one in the wrong. His father snapped at me the other day for not looking after the boys properly because I encouraged my oldest to put on his own seatbelt. They completely disagree with my parenting which is t encourage independence. Theirs is to encourage dependence.

Thank you all for your support. I will ask my family to help me as much as I can. I have tried to do it alone for too long I think.

[daffydowndilly]

I don't regret moving closer to my parents and siblings, it means that I have trusted backup, emotional support on the days where I feel I am not coping as well, and it is cheaper here, is me taking back some control over my own life, and my children can get strong positive adult relationships and role models.

Definitely contact the CSA, I was advised to by my lawyer as you should not have to rely on his goodwill to pay you child maintenance, it should be a reliable monthly income.

I also agree about the couples therapy, one thing was crystal clear to me, that as long as my husband was abusing alcohol there was no point. I did go to a session with his gp and later psychiatrist and I would not have done that again he was so abusive and wanted them to "tell me off", and "tell me all the things that were wrong with me" and he had not told them about his drinking. just hurtful and frustrating for me and pointless.

[olgaga]

My mother has just been on the phone and has offered me my grandmother's house to live in.

That's great news. Go for it! You certainly can't go on like this. Pleased your family are stepping in like this.

Maybe your mum could come and stay with you for a while?

[fuzzywuzzy]

Op you can have the house transferred in your name whilst retaining the mortgage under both your names. I did.

Also have you had council tax reduced as you're a single adult occupant?

Put dead bolts inside the house, do you have a back door exit? You could leave the deadbolts on inside the front door and exit via the back doors so anyone with keys to the front doors might have problems entering your house while you're out.

I'd be worried about in laws having a nose thro paperwork etc whilst you were out.

Don't start a routine involving inlaws and your children, the courts are big on retaining the status quo and continuity.
Use childminders & have friends ready to help in case of emergencies.


Seriously consider taking up your mums offer of moving in to your grans house, you might be pleasantly surprised at how nice it is being back amongst loved ones.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"With regard to the house we have agreed that it is mine"

Get that agreement formalised a.s.a.p. Again, you don't have to be divorced to get your house signed into your sole name. When my marriage broke up, I did exactly this several years before the divorce was finalised. I could afford the mortgage but my salary wasn't quite high enough for the mortgage company to accept me without a guarantor. My DM stood guarantor, the paperwork went through and that settled everything.

If your exH has pushy parents you really want this one tied up tighter than a duck's bum...

[ivykaty44]

Renting out the house could be very difficult as The house is in joint names and the Op isn't divorced which would mean that the Op's ex could say that if the house isn't needed as a family home for the dc then it will need to be sold.

[Lemonylemon]

OP: You could rent your present house, while moving into your grandmother's house. That would give you some extra income for a while. Agree with other posters about not allowing a "routine" because your ex and ILs may try to use it against you in the future.

Would you be better off care-wise by employing a childminder who could take your DC's earlier in the morning and then do the school drop off and pick up as well?

[Llareggub]

I have some really wonderful friends here who have been supportive both emotionally and practically.

My mother has just been on the phone and has offered me my grandmother's house to live in. I don't think anyone realised how badly I was coping until my brother rang earlier and invited me for Christmas and I burst into tears.

I have just been browsing t'interweb and have seen a very interesting looking job which is kind of related to my profession (in a way) but on less money. It is in my home town so it is cheaper there anyway so very tempted just to sell up and go for it. It would mean working on a Saturday but with a day off in the week but that might work well for me anyway.

With regard to the house we have agreed that it is mine. There is equity in it that is more or less equal to the deposit I paid when we bought it.

[ivykaty44]

you can't change the locks...but you can have an extra lock put in with a dead lock key that works from both sides of the door - this would of course be for security measures as you are a single woman living in a house with two dc and may feel this is a safety option to keep out unwanted visitors.

Have you thought about an au pair? if you have the room, some housekeeping and being with the dc after school etc. This would take away a lot of stress about travelling and getting stuck in traffic

[olgaga]

I can understand you are torn between needing to be where jobs are, and where you family/support network is.

What will be happening to the house in relation to the financial settlement? If it is going to be sold anyway, is there any point delaying putting it on the market? Or are you stuck because of negative equity/debts?

Renting might be a good option for the short to medium term until you decide where you want to move permanently. That way at least you get to move on and achieve a bit of distance.

Do you have any friends in RL who can help you with some of the practicalities?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Get the CSA onto your ex about the maintenance for the children btw. You don't need to be divorced to start that ball rolling.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't go for a 'routine'. If you make a routine then they can argue that it would be wrong to change the routine, or move away from the area etc. etc. If you make contact sporadic then they are on the same footing as your own parents. For emergencies like getting stuck on a motorway, get your friends to help out... if you explain what's been going on they will be glad to step in.

You may not be able to change the locks on the house but you can add extra bolts and other safety measures that mean someone cannot gain access even if they have a front door key. You also need that divorce to start a.s.a.p. so that you can get legal measures to limit contact you etc. Could your parents lend/give you some money if you can't afford it solo?

[Llareggub]

You are all amazing, thank you.

Yes I do get tax credits and they are a great help. I certainly wouldn't be able to make it work without them (are you reading this Dave Cameron?!)

I have coped amazingly well until this last week when it all came crashing down. The last straw was a cancelled meeting, believe it or not. There are loads of other things that have happened at once and I have shut the door on the world and have just slept for a week really.

I know ultimately I need to move back nearer my family but I really like where I live and there are so many work opportunities here compared to where I live currently.

I feel like screaming.

[Llareggub]

They are 5 and 3. In some ways I have limited the contact they have and I think thisis what promoted the latest discussion with her this morning about setting up some sort of routine.

I have seen a solicitor who is progressing the financial separation but I need to save up for the divorce. I can't rely on money from my ex so I have to be very careful about how and when I spend money. I earn enough to pay for everything, just, but any extra will send me over the edge. He does give me money eventually but I have to nag for it, which again leaves me out of control.

The house is in joint names which is why I can't legally change the locks. I have had advice on this. I can't get a mortgage in my name alone as the mortgage is too big and I don't want to move until I have decided whether to move back to my family or not due to the costs of moving.

My ex texts me all the time and wants joint counselling etc which I have refused as I have no desire to live with an alcoholic again. In an ideal world I wouldn't need any help from anyone - I can cope so long as I don't get stuck on a motorway with no one to pick up my DCs.