unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

[lemoncookie]

I found out yesterday that I?m pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I?m about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I?ve been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he?s living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we?ve talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We?re very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don?t coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn?t see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I?m only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.
I agree that the timing couldn?t be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can?t help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don?t know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I?m really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn?t want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don?t want to force him into a situation he doesn?t want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don?t know what to do.

[lemoncookie]

Yes, I could take the abortion pill. That would be what I would do if I decided on abortion.

When we were talking about it, the abortion pill sounded like the way I was going to go.

Now, I'm having terrible second-thoughts.

[lemoncookie]

I said two weeks, but I actually didn't get a positive until I was 18 days late.

[Mollydoggerson]

Just as an aside and for balance, I had an abortion at 19. My situation was different, the minute I accepted I was pregnant, I knew I did not want a life long relationship with the father and I knew I didnt want a baby at that time.

I have never regretted my decision. Sometimes it is the right choice.

Only you can decide.

[Doha]

Huh well your DP says more than his prayers doesn't he ....
I really don't think he will hang about for long if you abort, it sounds like he has a lot he wants to do ie travelling etc
So ultimatly you have to decide COULD you go it alone as a single parent--do you want HIM more than a DC. Will you resent him not supporting you if you abort.

It's your body, your decision, but please take some time to consider what you want regardless of what he says

[lemoncookie]

The other thing that bothers me is that I was personally pro-life before this happened. "Personally" meaning I didn't think it was something that I would choose for myself.

However, I've always felt everyone should have a choice.

[bochead]

Can you honestly cope with lone parenthood and all that it entails? My ex partner took a walk when I was 7 months pg, taking all choice out of my hands & I have to say I bitterly resent him for denying me the opportunity to make an informed choice, even now years later.

If you think you can cope with lone parenthood and ALL it entails, think again envisaging a child with SN's as not all children are perfect. Imagine NO maintenance, no contact & no emotional support from the father.

This is the worst possible scenario - if you think you can handle it then go ahead with the preganancy and don't look back. Your man will either jump on board for the journey and you'll feel blessed, or you'll raise your child with no regrets.

If after a good 7 days of thinking of the above scenario you still feel uncomfortable about aborting - then ffs don't as you'll never forgive yourself & your relationship won't survive your feelings of resentment and grief afterwards any way.

If on the other hand this is the love of your life, yet you meant it when you said you couldn't imagine being a Mum in 9 months time, then go ahead with the abortion. You'll be fine and have the time you want to bond with your potential stepchild, go travelling (not sure how you plan to do that with a 3 year old in the picture but hey ho), plan a nice wedding and rationalise your current living situation to one that suits everyone.

Neither solution is the right one - you face a tough choice. It really is a case of picking the lesser of the two evils for YOU. Luckily you know so early on in the pregnancy that you still have time to hole up for 7 days and ponder till you find what feels right for YOU.

[allthefun]

I have been in a similar position. All I can add is that women have babies every single day in all sorts of circumstances, rich ,poor, war, famine etc etc. It's really easy to over think it and use other peoples words and ideas like "unwanted child". If you want it, it's wanted!

I have had a termination because that felt right and a pregnancy (in a dreadful situation) because that felt right. As others had said go with your instinct (and that's hard because all you try to do is rationalise the decision). Thirty is a great age for having a baby as well IMO.

[allthefun]

Bochead has a point but actually even if that looks like being the case (being single with a baby) you absolutely can't predict the future.
My partner took a walk in the first trimester and I had nothing - no where to live, no money, nothing. It totally hasn't happened the tragic way I thought it would. I got everything I wanted after having my baby. I have a nice house, a lovely boyfriend lots of work and now Uni.
Do what you want based on you and you alone. If you decide to terminate I would also say do it and don't regret it.

[OrangeImperialGoldBlether]

Your partner is right that it is a mass of cells rather than a baby. In fact, if you wrote a full stop, that would be bigger than the baby. Calling it a baby is a sure sign you're not going to be able to have a termination.

Sorry to be so harsh, I don't mean to be. Only have a baby now if you're prepared to be a single mum. It's not something that most single mums would recommend.

[bochead]

I'd never wanted anything in my life as badly as I wanted my child, that feeling didn't change just because my partner changed his mind at the 11th hour (& DS was planned !!!!!). 7 months is rather late to plan all the practicalities of becoming a first time single parent!

My child is THE single best thing that has ever happened to me. I do regret the end of my pregnancy/just after the birth being over shadowed by having to replan all the practicalities around going it alone, rather than as part of a couple as I'd envisaged when he was conceived.

Having a child is just so special & life changing in it's own right that every new Mum should be allowed to just wallow & indulge in the magic of their baby for those precious first few months.

I wanted to try and give the OP a balanced view though. My lifestyle now is not one that would suit everyone, and she has the choice I was denied.

[differentnameforthis]

If he is so dead set against pregnancy & another child, he should have been a bit more responsible with the birth control! Everyone knows that not using BC leads to pregnancy, so he doesn't really have an excuse. But then, it really is daft that you use that method when you don't want children right now too, so you are equally to blame.

OTOH, you are so worried about HIS reaction, that I am wondering if, in some way you planned this? If I am way off base, I am sorry to accuse you of that. It is just that you are SO fixed on how he feels, I wonder if you are trying to justify your actions by asking us to dismiss his feelings, if that makes sense?

I had a termination, and will say that right away, it was never a baby to me. It was something invading my body, something that shouldn't be there (I also have 2 dds, born before the termination) . I knew straight off that it couldn't happen & I only had one road to take.

Others are right, anything could happen after the birth/termination. You need to decide if you can cope with all outcomes & base your choice on that.

Good Luck

[StuntGirl]

You BOTH had a responsibility wrt contraception. By willingly using natural planning he was taking that chance and must now face the consequences and responsibilities of it not working.

I would suggest asking your GP for referral to counselling if you can. I think you need to talk your options through with someone impartial.

[Miltonia]

No birth control? Good grief. You can't really say you definitely didn't want to baby if you were using the rhythm method.

Equally he has an unplanned baby already so he wasn't the brightest bunny in the burrow letting you fob him off with an "I know my body" story.

Either way I suspect your relationship is going to do well to survive this. If you abort it sounds like you won't be happy. If you have the baby and the two of you head straight into parenthood/reduced finances without the fun bits first, it is going to be a slog.

[lemoncookie]

I definitely didn't do this on purpose. I feel awful and regret It now. I never got pregnant using this method in the past 11 years. I'm shocked that I'm pregnant. Being that it didn't show up until 18 days past my missed period, I'm fairly confident that I got pregnant two days before my missed period because that was when I allowed him to......tmi, I know. But my point is that I'm shocked. I didn't think it was possible for someone as regular as me to ovulate so late in her cycle. I've never miscalculated before. I'm beyond sorry and regretful....

[lemoncookie]

I realize how ridiculous I sound. I can't undo what's done now though. I appreciate all of your responses. Sincerely. I'm going to log off from this site though....

[izzyizin]

You haven't said what 'natural' method you've been using to avoid conception, but I suspect it must have something to with 'charmed life syndrome' because the only shock you should be experiencing is that you haven't got pg before.

Women's right to choose has been hard won on the back of pro-lifers and misogynists who believe that women should be kept barefoot and pregant preferably in the kitchen or the bedroom according to their whim.

Now that you've fucked up royally with whatever method you've misguidedly placed your faith in, you've got a decision to make and I would suggest you take the guillible twit him out of the equation and make your decision based on what is best for you at this time in your life.

In the scales are 'emotion' and 'expediency' and it's up to you to weigh them. Do you want a 'baybee' so badly that you're prepared to be a single parent with all that entails? Or do you want to continue your life as is by taking a couple of pills and thereafter taking some more, or having a copper coil fitted to ensure that this experience won't happen to you again until you're ready for it/want it to happen?

As I see it, it is that simple. And as for knowing in your heart that you'll 'never believe' that you 'deserve' another baby, I suggest you look into your head to discover why you are locked into such a negative mindset.

[differentnameforthis]

I take it back then. I don't want to add to your pain.

[izzyizin]

There's nothing for you to take back, dnft. If the OP wasn't of a mind to receive differing views and opinions from the broad church that is mumsnet, she wouldn't have posted here.

As it is, in common with all of us, only she has the power to shape, create, and otherwise determine, her life in the here and now and in the future.

[differentnameforthis]

I understand what you are saying, Izzy. I felt a bit rotten accusing her of doing this on purpose. Kind of posted & wished I hadn't. But she seemed to take it on the chin

[izzyizin]

Second guessing is par for the course on t'internet boards such as this, dfnt

Accident, intent, divine intervention? You pays your money and you takes your pick.

I hope the OP makes the right choice for her regardless of habit, convention, emotion, and all of those other transient considerations that can plague an otherwise steadfastly logical mind.

[kalidasa]

Some posters are perhaps a bit ignorant about the possible efficacy of natural family planning, and what that really means. The 'fertility awareness method' is very reliable if done correctly. Though I'm not sure OP if you were using fertility awareness (i.e. taking your temperature every day, charting your cervical fluid and cervical position) or whether you were relying on a 'calendar' method (counting days) which is I'm afraid much riskier because however regular you have been in the past this month can always be different. It is not possible to ovulate a second time more than 24 hours after the first, but it is possible that you ovulated very late in this particular cycle.

That's a bit irrelevant now but I just wanted to point out that relying on a natural method (used correctly) is not necessarily any more foolish than relying on, say, condoms. Any method can fail.

Re: the practicalities, what are the maternity leave pay/terms like in your current job? That's worth thinking about.

I would also say that although you have to make this decision now, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy you then have 9 months - the best part of a year - to sort things out. Probably not time to get married, move house and travel! But if he is really serious about the commitment, it's long enough to do some of those things, or make concrete plans for them. If he means what he says about planning to do those things anyway, then you could get going on them now.

[lemoncookie]

I was hurt last night when I read some of your responses.

I realize that when I'm hurt, that there's a reason for it, however. There's a nerve it, etc.

I'd like more thoughts on something izzy has said....

"I hope the OP makes the right choice for her regardless of habit, convention, emotion, and all of those other transient considerations that can plague an otherwise steadfastly logical mind."

So, in other words, you believe abortion is a good, logical option?

If I'm being completely honest, I do not want to go through with this pregnancy right now.

I'm struggling with that choice, though, because I'm not sure how I view abortion. My DP sees an abortion this early on in a pregnancy as an "extreme form of birth control." My DP is looking at this from a logical point of view.

There are times when I can sit back and view the pregnancy exactly as my DP views it. Then there are times I see it as a shameful, unforgivable act. Is this what I really feel, though? Or, is this society/church's thoughts?

You see, I've struggled with how I felt about abortion before this situation.....

You mentioned my negative mindset, izzy. Is there something to that? Or is this my heart? I can't decide....

[lemoncookie]

My DP and I have brought up the point about how oral contraceptive will work as an abortifacient by preventing the implantation of a fertilized egg.

So, if I consider abortion wrong, then I should also consider oral birth control wrong.....

[TheCraicDealer]

Do you think part of you feels guilty because you "miscalculated", making it your fault? Please don't go down that road- if you have an abortion do it because you believe that's the right thing for you, not out of some misguided loyalty to your DP. He's a big boy who knows that the rhythm method isn't the most reliable, and he could've worn a condom if he was that fussed about preventing a pregnancy.

[lemoncookie]

Yes, I feel guilty about miscalculating, and I feel loyalty toward my DP's preference. I know I'll regret any decision I don't make for myself, though.

I'm sure I don't want to be a mother right now. I do, however, want to be a mother in the future.

I'm struggling because I don't know how I truly feel about abortion.