Need advice about my wife and how to confront an issue

[Dad1975]

HI , I am new to this , so please bear with me ,
I am married with 3 lovely kids , 2 boys and a girl . We have been married for 12 years and have been really happy together ... until recently .
Since my youngest son was born ( now 13 months ) , my wife has lost all interest in me ( sexually ) . We have spoken about this, and she has stated that she has lost her sex drive and really isnt keen on intimacy any more .
I have been very supportive of this until recently when I noticed a webpage left open with porn on ? I deleted it as my kids were next to me and confronted my wife about it later on , she shrugged it off and said it must have been our 11 yr old son ? I checked the history settings and noticed it was set at privacy for this period and it was while my son was at school ?
I hate to admit now that I got very confused/ angry and started to undo all deleted settings and came across hours of porn over the last 12months all time stamped during early afternoons on weekdays ( me at work , baby in bed and kids at school ) . I feel awful for spying but felt that I need to find out what exactly was being viewed .
This was several weeks ago , and it has continued on a near daily basis . I thought maybe this was probably her trying to get more sexually active , but when I try and cuddle at night or initiate anything she labels me a pervert and says she is tired .
I have no problem with her watching these things , I just wish she woudl inlcude me , or talk with me more , any advice ? Thanks - Costas

[BethFairbright]

I think it's a mistake to join in on your wife's porn habit, or say that you don't mind her watching it on her own some times. If her porn habit has caused her to go off sex with you, then surely that's compounding the problem isn't it? Using a lot of porn often causes men to go off sex with their partners and it's no different for women. So it's the porn that's the problem - not the relationship or libido issues. That's also just the tip of the iceberg and not even getting into the politics of porn and the excruciatingly awful treatment of mainly women who 'star' in porn.

[likeatonneofbricks]

good luck Dad! as far as she is responsive to your patient efforts it shoud work. Let's hope that she is.
Men do post sometimes, with varying success !

[Dad1975]

Forgot to mention , that I don't expect this to resolve over night and am more than happy to see counselling on my own or with both of us .
It's really nice to get these things off my chest

[Dad1975]

Thanks for all replies , harsh or not , I have to take it all on board .
I think I am going to write a small letter explaining my feelings saying that I have no problem with her watching porn and how about she watches it with me from time to time as well ? I really hope I can put this to her and not make her too defensive or embarrassed , and that something very strong and positive comes off the back of this and our sex life comes back . I love her and our kids to bits .
Keep you all posted on this !
Ps - am I the only dad on here or do others post ? I really needed a woman's view on this that is why I posted here /
Thanks / Costas !!

[Mayisout]

The opportunity to browse porn won't always be there I shouldn't think. Life can be pretty tedious being a SAHM, which she sounds as if she is, and maybe this is her little 'perk'. Is she going to go back to work when baby is older? What did she do in the school holidays?

Can you encourage her to consider looking for work or interests outside the home. Suggest finding a childminder to allow her to do this. Which might break the habit.

[Helltotheno]

Woman loses interest in sex with her DH after 3 kids and 12 years of marriage and you say she never fancied him in the first place and just used him as a sperm bank?

libelulle this is an extremely common scenario so I don't know why you're writing it off. Many women are absolutely driven first and foremost by their desire to have children and losing interest in sex/intimacy after the kids is not at all uncommon (many, many similar posts in Relationships from men). That doesn't mean she didn't at one time fancy the OP, it's just that the 'fancy' could have been more driven by her body clock than anything else. It's not an insult to the OP, he didn't cause it. There's no point in wrapping him in cotton wool, these scenarios are possible.

OP no matter what the situation is, it's pretty bad form for your OP to have passed the porn off on her 11 year old son. Keep your distance for a while and make her aware that you deserve some sort of communication about it.

[likeatonneofbricks]

MadCap I hear your point about being affected by pnd etc - but did you label your H 'a pervert'? Lots of women go off sex but many still manage to try and be fair on their partner or talk to him, or if it's pnd why isn't she gooingto the doctors? You sound like a nice person, but you don't know whether OP's wife is nice essentially (shielding her porn use with her ds??). Ofcourse he needs to make an effort and talk gently, but she has to respond as well, and sounds like she is not interested so far, but I'm all for him trying to resolve it.

[likeatonneofbricks]

libe I already explained that the major reason is likely to be loss of respect on her part towards OP, I don't know why - can be valid or not. The sperm bank was another option, we don't know whether sex was a problem before, or whether she used porm before.

[BethFairbright]

I'd come down hard on any partner who tried to blame our child for his own behaviour and who'd lied to me. There's also a big difference between someone who comes to the table and is honest about what's going on and is willing to jointly explore the reasons for it - and someone who lies when she is caught and tries to blame a child and then despite being caught, continues with using porn even when her partner has expressed his unhappiness about it 'several weeks' before. It's all in the OP. Not the same situation as yours at all MadCap.

[likeatonneofbricks]

exactly Beth - if a man pretended it was their child looking at porn, there's be an outcry of 'dangerous', abuser etc- and indeed it's a horrendous thing to do!

[libelulle]

likeaton, like madcap, I think that telling the OP that after 12 years of happy marriage and 3 kids that his wife never actually fancied him in the first place is cruel and unhelpful, besides being vanishingly unlikely to be the reason behind the problems they are having. You've read too many trashy magazines if you think difficult, complex, real-life problems can be ascribed to an 'I used him as a sperm bank!!!!!' kind of vision of human motivation.

[BelieveInPink]

Oh for god sake, I knew it wouldn't be long. Of course we can't reverse the sexes can we. For the love of chuff.

Lying, and what seems like an addiction to porn, whilst ignoring/being nasty to DH/no intimacy on any level is unacceptable. Full stop. Excusing it because we go through hormonal changes is not on.

[MadCap]

Beth and Bricks--what good would it to for OP to come down hard on his dw? I don't think he's looking to end his marriage. A little bit of compassion goes a long way. I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. I know it was difficult on my dh, but we're stronger for having gotten through it. I have nothing but the hugest respect andlove for him now exactly because he was so understanding during the whole ordeal.

[MadCap]

She may not have lost respect for him at all. I don't think it's reasonable to reverse the sexes in this situation as men don't go through the huge physical and hormonal changes that pregnancy and birth brings. If you add in the change in identity that comes with a new baby and the exhaustion. It likely has nothing to do with the OP at all. My dh certainly did nothing wrong. I didn't lose respect for him.

I suggest OP that you discuss this with your dw in a very calm and sensitive manner. Also broach the subject of pnd with her. In my treatmentgroup there were loads of women with similar issues that weren't diagnosed until their babies were a bit older.

[BethFairbright]

I think there are lots of excuses being put forward here, just because the one with the porn habit and rejection of sex and intimacy is a woman. I also think her lie about her poor son is being glossed over, something that wouldn't happen if a woman OP reported her husband lying and accusing his own 11 year old daughter of a porn habit that she didn't have.

[likeatonneofbricks]

MadCap, I repeat, i mentioned that as one possible reason, not the only explanation! I did say that OP
s wife may have some other reasons to lose respect for him, we don't know.
I don't read daily mail, thanks, but if a woman posted the same (H vile to her and using porn) I guarantee there would be less sympathy to her partner.

[likeatonneofbricks]

I mean she labels him
MadCap - yes, that's understandable but you weren't nasty to him for being affectionate I bet, even if you refused sex you tried to be nice about it, not blame him?

[MadCap]

Bricks- You sound like a vile woman hating Daily Fail reader with that she only wanted a baby daddy comment- I totally was vile to my dh. I was on the computer looking at porn every chance i was alone. Not everyday. Im a sahm with a 3yo and 22mo so I didnt often get the chance, but I was desperate. Op might be worth checking out the symptoms of pnd. i only started feeling better when I started getting treatment.

[likeatonneofbricks]

libe, i said this was one possible reason, another being that she lost respect for him, whether she had a reson I wouldn't know. But she obviously is harsh and disrespectful to him - instead of talking he labels HIM a pervert for trying to initiate sex, wtf?

[naturalbaby]

I have 3 young children and the first year or so of each child's has been exhausting and overwhelming for me. My relationship with my husband wasn't great (rubbish actually), I made no time for him after spending all day with the children...etc etc etc. It was really, really hard to get our relationship back on track and unfortunately for my poor Dh, he just had to wait while I sorted myself out emotionally.

I kept reminding him to go back to basics, remember the beginning of our relationship - it really was like starting all over again with a night out, a night in without the t.v/laptops, finding something to do together without the dc's. Our golden rule is to have one night a week to sit together and talk things through - the past week, the next week, go through our diaries.

[BurtNo]

have you considered whether somebody could be ripping off your broadband/remote accessing the computer or, and i hesitate to type this, whether somebody is coming round at that time each day?

[libelulle]

oh don't be ridiculous likeatonne. Woman loses interest in sex with her DH after 3 kids and 12 years of marriage and you say she never fancied him in the first place and just used him as a sperm bank? There are plenty of possible reasons I can think of for a loss of interest in sex/intimacy with one's husband, but that certainly doesn't make the top 100. OP, put that idea from your mind, it is bonkers as well as plain unhelpful.

I wonder if counselling is the way forward here? Though it must feel that way, I very much doubt this is personal.

[MadCap]

I didn't tell my dh about the porn for a long time btw, because I was deeply embarrassed about it. I forgot to put that in my post and felt it was important.

[likeatonneofbricks]

'didn't push'

[likeatonneofbricks]

MadCap - I can see your point of using porn to get libido back, but I'm sure you didn't pushed your dh off so unkindly (like OP's wife), and you did communicate. Also i doubt that you used porn daily. Sounds like an addiction in her case - or the case that libido is fine but she just doesn't fancy her H, so the porn is an outlet.