I really don't know what to do about this curveball!

[nureyev]

DH and I have been having problems for along time. Essentially he felt unloved while I was in a period of great stress and bereavement. I have given him space and time for the whole of this year to try and overcome it and he has repeatedly said he does not want to be married to me.

So, I have prepared myself either for reconcilliation or a split but he has just dealt me a total curveball which seems to me far worse than either of them.

He wants us to have no married relationship, except on paper, I presume, but to live in our house and raise our two little children (4 and 2) together. I have told him I think this is completely unworkable. I know it is motiviated by his desire to be with the children and he says I will be being completely selfish if I don't agree to it.

I want our marriage to work, I don't want him to be apart from the children but this idea has me practically hyperventilating with stress. It seems appalling to me: like a prison. For us to be together, when we used to love each other so much, and now he doesn't has me in such a panic.

I have told him I think it is a recipe for a disaster and that he has to make up his mind to make the marriage work or accept the consequences. Our last words in this discussion were that I have ruined his life and he mine.

We get on fine in front of the children. We don't fight. He is making a conscious effort to be Mr Marvellous with them and to help around the house I suppose in an effort to show me it could work. But it can't. Can it? This is not 1870: I don't have to live with a man who doesn't love me or be a bitch?

[badtime]

He is not thinking about your children - if he was, he wouldn't even consider giving them this twisted example of how relationships work.

The other thing is, if/when one of you meets someone else, what then? Do you all move in together? It is so messed up.

[LemonBreeland]

It sounds like a dreadful idea. It would not be good for your DC either. It will affect them, even if you do try to be nice to each other.

Your DC will grow up with a very strange idea of what a marriage/relationship is about.

[Xales]

So his plan is that you spend the next 16 - 18 years, cleaning his shitty pants, cooking his meals when he is around etc with no love or affection. While I imagine he screws who and what he likes when he wants.

When the kids hit leaving the nest age he can dump you and move on and you will be left with an empty home, half a wasted life and have to start all over again.

Sod that, get out now.

[nureyev]

It does sound dreadful and I know what would happen. I think what he actually want is more time but I have given him ten months of complete leeway while living at with us and I don't think a bolt is going to hit him from the blue, I think he hopes eventually he will love me again. I don't think it works like that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He hopes what? You've already wasted 10 months of your life on this dead duck of a relationship. Don't let him persuade you to waste another second while he blathers about trying to make up his mind how he feels. He's just being cruel.

[nureyev]

I do want to be able to look my choldren in the eye in later years and say I tried everything I could.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes but its a two way thing - it won;t work if he has opted out. He is being selfish expecting you to be his housekeeper, cleaner, cook and nanny while he gets to live his life the way he wants to.

I may be cynical but I suspect there is an OW behind the scenes...

[Abitwobblynow]

Nureyev:

did you come into my house and write my life?

This is what has been proposed to me! The resentment, blame, not loving me and not wanting to work on anything but carrying on - the same.

OW found and gone by the way but the damage is done and I am sure there will be another one

[LittleFrieda]

You could start the ball rolling towards divorce. It's entirely possible to stop it at any stage, but I think you need to work on the basis of definite plans.

[FreckledLeopard]

Jeez. Is he deluded or does he have an amazing ability to switch all feelings and emotions off and live as a robot? When STBXH and I were living separately under the same roof until he moved out (for three months) it was hell on earth. How you're supposed to do the same thing indefinitely beggars belief.

I would calmly state that his idea is untenable and that you will be proceeding with filing for divorce. He is manipulating you and your desire to do the right thing by your children (which, incidentally, they will bounce back from - children are very resilient).

Is there anyone that is close by that you can lean on for support?

[nureyev]

I really don't think there is another woman. It would in many ways be easier if there was.

I know that I would always be hoping for my actions (asking him to move out)to shock him out of his current way of thinking, although I know this is a dream. I just can't believe he would give up without a fight.

[Proudnscary]

This could only work if you were both up for the idea and you both told the children (in appropriate ways at the appropriate times) that you are best friends but not married anymore.

Even then I'm not sure it would work.

I think all these sort of plans and strategies are all just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later you will split up whether he likes it or not.