i hate my body after having my second child

[Fairylea]

That's it really. And it's impacting on my marriage. I feel absolutely disgusted with my body and I don't want any physical affection yet alone sex at all.

My ds is 4 months old and I have always been fairly slim. When I was pregnant I put on some weight as is normal and expected to lose it afterwards. I lost a few pounds initially and now it is creeping up and I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I have a bmi of 27 which makes me overweight. I have a thyroid issues for which I am regularly monitored and I am on the right dose.

I admit it's mostly due to being at home with ds and not running round at work like I normally would. I go out walking everyday and it's not coming off so I am going to try slim fast etc.

No one has said anything to me about this. It is something coming only from me. My gran ended up being a size 28 and I am scared if I don't get a held of this now I never will.

My dh is at his wits end with me and I know he just doesn't understand why it bothers me so much but I've never ever been this big. I had to buy new clothes as nothing fits. I feel embarrassed to go out like this as I don't look like me. I always used to wear a lot of make up and now I just feel like there is no point as whatever I do I just look big.

I'm sorry I know I probably sound horribly vain and offended tons of people but until I get this sorted my life is on hold. I am not depressed about any other area of my life. Just this.

It's all consuming and I'm dreadfully unhappy.

[Mumsyblouse]

Even if you were stick thin, having more than one child (or even just the one) changes your tummy forever! I am also a size 14 now, having been a 10 til my early thirties. Although I do eat healthily, clearly even if I ate very litle and exercised a lot (which I don't), I would not have the body of a 19 year old.

But, do you know what? I have relatives in their eighties and nineties that would kill for the body of a 32 year old. You can't stop aging, all you can do is keep healthy, and look the best for your age. I think you have to be a bit more accepting that change is going to come to all of us. I am surrounded at work by beautiful young students, with long glossy hair and mostly very slim. I could spend all day getting upset about it, but I'm pretty happy as I've got lovely children, a family, a husband, an interesting job, and look reasonably attractive (though my age).

If you start thinking age 32 that you are totally unacceptable, you will waste years of your life, years which could be the best years of your life, focusing on a very trivial and not terribly interesting part of your whole self, the size of your tummy. I don't like having a wobbly tummy either, and if I could magic it away, I would. Til then, stick on the control pants, eat healthily (healthy food but in quite large quantities works for me) and go and live your life.

[dondon33]

Right I've had a look through some of the sites I've used in the past.

HIIT training is a safe way to quickly burn fat/lose weight. Have you heard of any "boot camps" in your area? they're all the rage at the moment in the UK. They work on HIIT training, check this one out from my local area, for some idea's on the kind of exercises I'm not saying you should join one because personally I wouldn't, I found everything I needed to know from the web and do it at home.

It looks daunting but it's not really and you honestly do enjoy it - it gives me so much energy and a flood of feel good chemicals . I know one of the ladies in the VID and she dropped 3 dress sizes in around 12/16 weeks and got toned and is now actually a kettle bell instructor.

The basic premise for the training is that you work really hard for short intervals then have an active recovery period. To start you should do 15 seconds of high intensity activity (sprinting on the spot, jumping jacks, step ups on a chair/steps) then you have an active recovery - as i do this at home - my active recovery is a slow jog/walk around my ground floor for 45 seconds (the ratio is 3:1)...do 8 reps of this.

For the next phase I jump on the exercise bike for 10/15/20 mins (whatever time I've got to spare), steady paced to allow my body to recover and prepare it for the final phase.

The final phase in the workout will be equal intensity activity and active rest. Ideally it should be 60 secs of the sprinting, jumping jacks, steps then 60 secs of slow jogging/walking (ratio 1:1) again 8 reps of this BUT for a beginner try doing 30 secs of each and build it up. This is the part most important as it's what's going to allow the "after burning effect" Yes that's right AFTER you're finished your body continues burning fat :) As a beginner you should do this routine twice maybe 3 times weekly and take up something else gentler in between - possibly some toning, maybe some form of yoga until your body is stronger after child birth.
I lost fat from everywhere but noticed the biggest fat loss in my mummy tummy and my bum, some from my thighs.
I also use kettle bell training in addition to this to repair my core muscles, amongst other things (pelvic floor)

Eat as "clean" as you possibly can, natural healthy foods, no additives and not processed. I eat when raging hormones force me Dark chocolate 70% cocoa content or higher, it satisfies my need and is full of antioxidants too. So an occasional treat won't kill you.
Good quality green tea can assist weight loss too, I'm not positive on the amounts needed.

I know I've rambled here but just want you to see it's not hugely time consuming and once you start doing some exercise it's actually great for restoring your confidence as you're actively doing something to make yourself feel good.

Have a look on this site too, you can join as a member or just receive email updates
fityummymummy.com Yeah I know the title just pisses you off or maybe that was just me thinking "as if! they've all probably had surgery and had fat sucked from their every body part or they're just liars they've never even given birth ha ha"
BUT it's not like that, there's real inspirational stories on there from real people and some great advice and tips.

P.s - sorry in advance if my links don't work.

[EldritchCleavage]

until I get this sorted my life is on hold

Noooo! As another poster said, stop punishing yourself! Please, look after yourself, be kind to yourself.

Look, my second is now a year old, and my enormous weight gain is shifting well, after starting low carbing (I recommend it, it worked for me after DC1 too: 'The Idiot-Proof Diet' is the book I use) a few months ago.

I've been where you are, and to be honest it is still very much an issue for me, but I manage day to day because I know I'm doing something about it. Can you talk honestly about this with your husband? Mine's been very supportive, not least because I think it is a relief for him to know it isn't that my feelings towards him have changed, just that I was finding the situation difficult.

After just 4 months, you could decide to give yourself more time to recover before thinking about a diet and fitness regime, but since it is really bothering you why not attack it now? That includes getting some nice clothes to help you feel more confident in the interim. I think that's actually really important. When you put things on hold, you tend to end up in a rut.

Good luck with it, and don't feel bad about feeling bad. We are a society where a woman's appearance is currency, is very important, and finding yourself in a very different place from where you were is understandably hard.

[PeshwariNaan]

A few suggestions:

-Don't be so hard on yourself. A BMI of 27 and size 14 is not that overweight especially 4 months after giving birth! (I started there before I got pregnant...)

-That said, since you're not breastfeeding I think you might benefit from a simple protein and veg-based eating plan. If you can commit to it, it's something that will take a few pounds off fairly quickly (especially at your age - I'm the same age) and help you feel better fast. Atkins was always too extreme for me - I had great success on South Beach (Dr. Agatson), though. It's very moderate and easy to follow. You don't even have to cut out whole grains and you can do easy snacks. Here's the book on Amazon: South Beach Diet

-Have you tried any exercise DVDs? I loved zumba dance classes before I was pregnant - a super fun and effective way to get moving!! They make zumba DVDs for home - you could try this, or do something else fun like Bollywood dance workouts. Pilates is also really effective when combined with cardio for toning the tum.

You don't have to sit around and feel bad about yourself- be kind, it really is early and by making just a couple of changes to your eating and moving around schedule I bet you'll be back to your old self (or at least feeling a lot better) very soon!!

[izzyizin]

It's not uncommon for the female libido to take a dive after giving birth and it may not return to its former giddy heights for many months after the event but, if you resumed your sex life without physical discomfort some weeks ago, it would seem that other issues are causing you to reject your dh outside as well as inside the bedroom, so to speak.

Giving birth is a life-changing experience which can cause some to ponder matters they rarely paid attention to before the advent of a pfb, and various subjects may have come to the forefront of your mind which you haven't previously paid much heed to.

Charting the milestones of our dc is a surefire way to focus attention on the passing of time and it's not unnatural to relate that to our own passage through the years, which suddenly appear to fly by until it seems that our youth was gone in little more than the blink of an eye.

You may be feeling overwhelmed by your recently acquired persona of a 'mum' - a being that you may believe is aeons away from the young, slim, and carefree woman you were, and that you fear you cannot become again in this lifetime.

In terms of being abe to please ourselves to the exclusion of any other consideration, the arrival of dc put an end to 'carefree' until such time as they've flown the nest and beyond but at 32, you are still young - and will remain young for as long as there are folk around who are older than you

As for 'slim', that is a state of mind as much as a physical shape. Many women of your age consider themselves slim at size 14/16/18 but, by paying attention to diet and exercise, there's no reason to suppose that you won't attain your pre-pgy weight if that is what you want.

Your dh obviously adores you and is no doubt longing to revel in your temporary voluptuousness; and rightly so because your womanly curves are testimony to you having brought his dc into the world.

Perhaps later today you can unearth your make-up bag, whack some slap on, pop dc in the pram/buggy, and take a hike around your locality?

And maybe tonight you can sit on the sofa with your dh, hold his hand, look into his eyes, and find the words to help him understand that post-pgy hormones can play havoc with the mind and body and that although at the moment you cannot express your love for him sexually with any degree of enthusiasm, this doesn't mean he is no longer the love of your life.

[Napsalot]

Perhaps look up parenting centres /mothers groups near you. I lived overseas when I had DS1 and ended up finding a stroller fitness class that I went to once a week. From that I met mothers who turned into great friends and we started meeting to walk regularly. The class was run by a fitness instructor who pushed us to walk at a fast pace and we stopped to do push ups etc along the way. Wasn't the leisurely walk in the park I had pictured but it was the kick start I needed! Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.

[dondon33]

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling that way, I've been there myself.
Obviously if you're following a healthy diet then that's the first step.
I would really suggest looking into HIIT (high intensity interval training) It's not for the fainthearted and is around 20 mins of hard core exercise. Take it easy at first, you can find it on youtube for beginners and I know people who swear by it.
The magic is after completing your work out the body continues to burn fat for around 12 hours. Spend some time researching and it could give you great results. I'll pop back tomorrow if I remember any links or more info, at the moment I've lost the ability to write = too tired, can't see screen so it's bed now for me x

[Feckbox]

well said , tiredofwaitingforitalltochange.

I also heartily recommend a weighted hula hoop.

OP your concerns are very common. There are a few fortunate women out there whose bodies don't change much after childbirth. I'm not one of them. Please be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time

[Fairylea]

I am going to try some of the tips. Thanks.

As for the hot sex.... I appreciate the advice but I have gone completely off sex. Dh and I used to have sex everyday but since ds it's been about once a week. And this is mainly because I know dh is missing it. I actually feel quite asexual and could go totally without it. Or any physical affection actually. The last time dh and I had sex I was very aware of my thighs and tummy moving around and it's all I could think of. Sad but true.

Dh is very hurt as its literally like a switch has gone off... hence the posting in relationships. He just seems very disconnected from me now. He's given up trying to touch me at all. I find myself tensing up around him as I know he wants affection from me and I can't seem to want to. I do want to 'be with him but right now I don't want any physical side to our relationship. Hmmm.

I struggle between thinking I will accept that it's going to be a slow run to lose the weight and just eat less etc and then being so repulsed by myself I dont want to eat at all. I will though. I'm not going to starve myself.

I think some of it is related to feeling old. In my head thin equals young. I'm 32 and I don't want to never be slim and young again. Even if the young part is slipping away :(


I feel like I'm some sad middle aged man having a mid life crisis.

[Sparkles23]

Give yourself a break you will get back to your usual size but you've just had a baby, saying that I know how you feel, if I've put on weight I feel dreadful and can't bear it. And its down to how you feel inside and totally get that. I'm about 6lb heavier than I would like at mo and girl at work recommended '30 Day Shred' by Jillian Michaels and OMG it's brilliant, I'm only 6 days in but noticing a difference already. It's 20m a day so perfect if busy, it's less than a fiver from Amazon, has great reviews and i know why! Doing something like that might just give you a boost you need and some confidence back.

[izzyizin]

You''re angry with me because you're on a mission to derail threads only you can empathise with and advise the OP, tired? What's new?

I'm well aware that the OP has expressed herself as currently having an aversion to sex but, nevertheless, as energetic coupling burns calories and promotes the feel good factor, I saw no harm in reminding her of this fact.

If my style offends you I would suggest skip my responses as I fully intend to continue calling it as I see it.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

OP: 'I feel absolutely disgusted with my body and I don't want any physical affection yet alone sex at all.'

'Advice': Hot sex is one of the more pleasurable ways to burn calories

[izzyizin]

Not all slimming clubs are run by LB's Majorie Dawes and it's highly unlikely that anyone will laugh at you, honey, but there's no need to spend money on signing up to groups and buying expensive and often inconveniently cumbersome equipment such as treadmills and the like.

Eat healthily by cutting down on fats and bread. Buy a copy of the Hairy Dieters Cookbook or source recipes online - I believe there's a slimming or slimmers section on this site.

There's no end to the number of exercise/dance routines you can do at home which will burn calories and tone your body - google zumba or yoga or whatever takes your fancy. Use cans/bags of sugar as weights. Hot sex is one of the more pleasurable ways to burn calories

Consider having one day a week where you limit your intake to no more than 600 calories and eating/drinking what you want on the other 6 days - I credit a mini-fast each week with having enabled me, one of life's natural born gluttons epicures, to fit into jeans I bought many moons before dc.

If you begin now it should be possibe to painlessly drop 2 dress sizes before the festive season.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

When I wanted to lose half a stone I got a juicer and a book called 'The Juice Master' by Jason Vale. It's really motivating and the recipes in it are really healthy and give you loads of energy. And the weight drops off in no time, plus your skin and hair looks great. It's a bit of a ritual making the juice and you feel like you are being good to yourself preparing it.

If you can't get out to exercise, why not try a weighted hula hoop? You can find them on eBay. They really tone up your midriff, and they are really easy to pick up and use, you don't have to get changed. And they are pretty cheap!

Have a look here:

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/ADULT-Extra-WEIGHTED-HULA-HOOP-39ins-1-4kg-3-2lb-WASPY-WAIST-Black-Yellow-/370654252395?pt=UK_Sporting_Goods_Exercise_Fitness_Fitness_Accessories_ET&hash=item564cb70d6b

I bought a couple from this seller and they were really good. There are lots of other sellers, I'm not advertising. It has to be pretty heavy though. It's uncomfortable at first but you get used to it quickly. You can start with a bigger hoop (it's easier) and then use a smaller one when you get better at it.

I promise it works. Ten minutes a day to start with. Abs of steel plus you lose that back fat that sits above your jeans that you get after you've had a baby.

Glad your husband is being kind :)

[Purplehonesty]

I'm the same, my 2nd baby is 3 months old and I got out of the bath tonight and caught sight of myself in the mirror. Jelly belly and wobbly thighs and saggy boobs and I just feel awful.
My dh works shifts so I have decided that at least once a week when he is home in the evening I am going to go the gym and once through the week when I take ds to his nursery I am going to take dd a fast walk with the buggy for an hour so that's at least two sessions a week when I can try and burn some fat!

[neverquitesure]

You are more than your appearance. However it doesn't always feel that way, so my advice is:

Option 1: stop bothering with appearance = look in mirror and see someone you hate = adopt 'invisible' body posture such as slouching = even lower self esteem = more likely to comfort eat/think 'what's the point' and less likely to feel like exercise.

Option 2: do what you can to embrace the body/appearance you have NOW = look in the mirror and see someone fun & attractive = hold head high, adopt good posture and look even better = much easier to eat/exercise like the person you want to be when you already look/feel and identify as them.

Sorry if this is a bit garbled. On phone with poorly, snotty toddler in arms! What I'm trying to say is imagine the person you want to be and start dressing, acting and thinking like them now. If you can pull it off for a couple if months it'll become a habit and much easier to stick to. Good luck.

[Fairylea]

Thank you for the replies. I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

I'm not breastfeeding.

You're right of course. The slim fast etc isoonly quick fix. I just think if I could even lose a few pounds I'd feel better. I'm sure lack of activity is mainly to blame. Dh works very long hours so I'd literally be running at half 9 at night which isn't practical. But I do get out when I can. I want to get a treadmill really.

I'm not a very social person so I don't know how a group would go ... I'm also worried they will laugh at me as I'm aware I'm not very overweight but I'd like to get back to a size 10 again... currently a tight 14... :(

Dh is being kind. Just confused.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I'm not dismissing the possibility at all, izzy! Re-read my post please.

Do you actually know what a diagnosis is? There is nothing in what I said that constitutes a diagnosis.

But her feelings aren't irrational, there is nothing abnormal about them. Look at the number of new mums on this thread who feel the same. Empathy and advice are what's needed, not pathologising the feelings of someone you don't know. And there was nothing wrong with your advice.

[ladythatlunches]

I have a slimming world near me but just can't get out to go!!
I tried doing it from home, doing breakfast and dinner from scratch isn't s problem as I do anyway it's the lunch times I have problems I'm always on the go so I just grab!!

[izzyizin]

In dismissing the possibility that the OP may be suffering from pnd, it seems to me that you are making 'a diagnosis online based on a few paragraphs' Tired.

Regardless of gender/age, anyone who has concerns about their weight is best advised to visit their GP before embarking on any diet to gain or lose lbs.

[margerykemp]

Dont hate yourself.

Be kind to yourself and be healthy.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

It sounds to me that your irrational fears are a form of pnd which, if left untreated, may cause you to develop other disorders/conditions which may be harder to treat.

Whaat? Nobody's qualified to make a diagnosis online based on a few paragraphs. Not even a doctor.

It's not an 'irrational fear' to mind being heavier than you usually are. It affects lots of women's self esteem and it's no wonder with all those trashy magazines banging on about who's lost their baby weight fastest.

But true that you should talk to your GP/health visitor about your worries and seek reassurance. Also might be worth having your TFTs done again.

[kinkyfuckery]

What are you doing to try to lose weight/change your body?

Have you a Slimming World group near you? I have lost 2 1/2 stone since June following their plan, and am the slimmest I've been since having kids.

Slim Fast and the likes will get the weight off, but if your weight is "creeping up", what you need to do is change your eating and exercise habits, and Slim Fast can't help with that.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

And whatever you do, don't stop wearing make up. It's good for morale. Stop punishing yourself :)

[Whocansay]

I feel similarly. It took me nearly a year to lose the baby weight after each child, when my close friends seemed to be back in their size 8s in days. ( I do like my food though, so eating lots of pie may have had a lot to do with my case!)

I go running. Its far less time consuming than going to the gym. If your husband can give you half an hour here and there it can make a massive difference.

Now, if anyone can tell me how to unstretch the skin round my belly and put my boobs back where they are supposed to be, I would be very grateful...