Why do some women keep picking bad men?

[MissJayTea]

My 2nd marriage has jyst ended because of H's abusive behaviour towards me. My first marriage also ended because of abuse.

Every single relationship I have had since the age of 15 has been abusive.

I have been punched, strangled, emotionally abused and sexually assaulted.

I plan to stay away from relationships from now on because I just can't trust my own judgement.

What is wrong with me?

[akaemmafrost]

missjay just stay here in the relationships space and post what you need to. The amazing people on here will help you to see who you really are, how important you are. I promise .

[arthriticfingers]

Another plug for the Freedom Programme.
If there is not one near you, you can do it online. Not the same as going, but still good.
Oh and whopping congratulations for getting out!

[LizLemon007]

@ akaemmafrost, abusive men must HATE the internet. I had a thread (not on this forum though) called should I stay or should I go? and I thought (for some reason that a lot of people would tell me to work harder at the relationship, or that leaving him would be no picnic either.. but to my shock, every single poster was horrified. It was the thread that pierced my minimising delusional forcefield there and then.

[LizLemon007]

oh missjaytea, that is so sad. my mum was not abusive but what you say about having to agree with her strikes a chord. My mum still thinks I'm being awkward if i disagree with her!

[arthriticfingers]

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[akaemmafrost]

Oh my ex despised MN. He said we were all "a load of dressing gown wearing, lesbian, marriage wreckers, who should get off the Internet and spend more time with their kids" (how original) .

[Lottapianos]

'As a child I quickly learnt to adapt my behaviour depending on my mothers mood. She was always right. I was not allowed an opinion unless it matched hers'

Yes yes yes to this! Exactly the same in my family and it's still going on now and will never change. I hope you realise that this is seriously abusive behaviour OP - it sounds like your mother treated you as an extension of herself rather than a separate person in your own right. It's not surprising it feels comfortable for you to put everyone else first -that's what you learned you had to do to survive.

Please keep posting on here - you will get loads of support and hand-holding. It's been a lifeline for me when I was feeling so lonely and desolate.

[LizLemon007]

ps @ missjaytea, I know I'm only an internet person and not a real person but I believe that you were raped by your xh, and I respect your right to have that acknowledged. I was not raped by my x, but he did try to strangle me and it is the fact that he has forgotten it (??) that I found weirder.

[LizLemon007]

I mean a real life person in your life. (i am real!)

[LizLemon007]

yeh, funnily enough my x hated those losers on the internet as well!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I love the theatre. I would love to go out to work one day. "

Extrapolating, just those two bits of info mean you're creative, enjoy company and are industrious & want to be independent ... all kinds of positive stuff. A goal of going to the theatre once a month wouldn't be a bad start. Get you out and about. Work is also a noble aim and there's more help than you think for single parents that want to work. If work is a little too ambitious, try a training course or a night-school class as a first step.

The whole point being that, now you are not in the control of anyone, you can do whatever you like. If you're used to being trapped it can be a bit of a giddy prospect to decide what to do first.... but, like a guillemot returned to the coast after having the oil slick removed from its feathers, you might wobble a bit to start with but you'll quickly get the hang of it.

[1973magpie]

missjay you are not alone, I could have written any one of your posts.

I am just starting on the journey of self discovery, I too have just ended my second marriage to an emotionally abusive man and during therapy have traced my inability to put myself first back to my relationship with my mother

I feel so selfish at the moment, but am trying very hard to override my natural instinct to people please and to feeling that I have to justify my every decision, BUT I am also learning that I do have value as a person, and that noone has the right to treat me badly, it's bloody scary but I'm making small steps all the time

[xxxresixxx]

Missjay, see it as a positive new beginning. Look at it as every day will be a bit better and you will never let anyone make you feel that worthless again. Counselling is a really good idea bit so are the little things, get control of your bills, treat yourself to something every week (cake and a magazine, bath with bath bomb etc), get out and join in done groups (if your kids are pre school) or do some volunteerimg if they are not. Theatre companies are desperate for volunteers to help out. Its really important for you to find yourself and get a good support network of friends you actually like, respect and know you. That will provide more happiness than any man ever could x

[AnastasiaSteele]

Miss Jay even though you are out, the freedom programme or some domestic abuse support will still be useful. I'm still in my EA relationship (hmph) but when I booked to see one of the counsellors, I said 'but it might be all over then' (it was far in advance, and I of course was kidding myself) and she said 'even if it is, it takes a long time to come to terms with what has happened and we can help with that'.

[MissJayTea]

I must say I'm bowled over by the amount of support on here. Thank you all very much. I feel better for getting stuff out and for being belived when I talk about the abuse I have suffered. In real life everyone thing h can do no wrong. I can't bring myself to tell them what has gone on.

Ive been looking at the freedom programme. There isnt one near me so I'm going to do it online.

All my children are in school or nursery now so I have time to concentrate on getter myself right. I can definately see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Glad you're feeling more positive and are looking at the freedom programme. Check out your local authority website for community activities. They can be a good way to make new friends and expand your horizons. Expect to alternate feeling good with feeling crappy for quite some time. Make the most of the good days & look after yourself on the bad days. Eventually you'll have more good days than bad days and that's when you can really make progress

BTW... do tell people IRL about your ex's behaviour. They may think he can do no wrong but that's only because he's had the bigger voice to date. Telling others makes it more real and validates your experience. Keeping it secret only benefits him. You don't have to be nasty about it - no need to stoop to his level - but your life is your story and it's yours to tell, not his.

[MissJayTea]

Feel crap at the moment. Really dizzy and shaky. I keep getting these thoughts that it would be better to contact ss and let them take the kids.

I desperately need to talk to somebody but there is nobody.

[xxxresixxx]

Sounds a basic question but have you eaten todat?. Sometimes if you are feeling low and are busy its easy to forget. Sounds like you have allot on your plate...What area pdf the country are you in? Maybe there is a mum who could meet you for coffee or advise you of stuff going on locally?

[MissJayTea]

I haven't eaten properly for days. Im in Cheshire.

[xxxresixxx]

Try get something to eat once the kids are in bed, even if its just something small. Do you have a volunteer service near you you could join?

Something like this? www.cheshireeast.gov.uk/leisure,_culture_and_tourism/arts,_heritage_and_museums/children_and_young_people/cheshire_east_youth_theatre/volunteers.aspx

[LizLemon007]

are you on facebook missjaytea?

I liked this site a while ago, and so every day I'm bombarded in a good way with these really positive messages and lessons. Here is today's, and it made me think of you because it's called '7 ways to start a relationship with yourself'. HOpe you don't mind!?

mind body green

There is loads of good stuff about health, yoga, what is love?! I enjoy reading their articles anyway.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

I too could have written a lot of the above. Indeed, i still could.

You are definately not alone.

The best thing is, as well as sympathisers, you have people on here who will give frank and useful advice, like a proper best friend, big sister, or mum :)

DP also despises MN ... lol