H saying our children will be hugely damaged if we split up

[HopefulFuture]

I want to divorce my H. Things have been terrible for a long time and from reading this wonderful forum I would say he has often been verbally abusive and also quite controlling. I have ordered Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? for more info.

Anyway the thought of living here without him is so amazing and freeing that I am trying to push that idea and am seeing a solicitor next week.

However, H is fighting against it, seems to think that a crap relationship is OK . He emailed me a link recently to an article that said that children don't care if their parents are unhappy, so long as they are together.

I agreed with some of the article in that it said kids want to have a routine and know where they are at and be able to keep playing with their friends etc etc. I must say, I do worry about them changing houses twice a week - we are thinking of having 50:50 custody but I also feel that if we handle the whole thing well then the fallout will be minimal.

However, how do I deal with a man who is going to guilt trip me the whole time? Every time one of the children (we have 3) gets upset about this or anything else, he is going to say "Look what you've done" etc etc. I shall have to be strong for the kids anyway but I can imagine the constant attacks from him too. Having someone tell you you are hurting your own kids is so awful but I cannot go on like this.

[NicknameTaken]

I know for a fact that leaving my exH was the best thing for my DD. I treasure the peaceful, playful evenings we have together (okay, slightly romanticizing there - bedtimes can be grumpy!) and I contrast it with the drama that my ex used to bring into our lives.

And even knowing this, I still have a wobble every now and then, worried about my DD always moving between two houses. But hey, she's not doing as much moving around as the Jolie-Pitt children, and they seem to be doing okay!

[PostBellumBugsy]

Hopeful, another point is that you are leaving your H because you are unhappy & he is controlling. He is not going to get any nicer because you are leaving & he will bust a gut to try and control you into not leaving, not seeing anyone else, not getting on and enjoying your life.

Nora Ephron once said:
"Never marry a man, you wouldn't want to be divorced from."

Sadly, a bit late for those of us who did, but it carries a useful resonance, because it backs up what I said above. If they are controlling / abusive / lazy / beligerant or whatever else whilst we are married to them, they certainly aren't going to improve with divorce. What you will get is distance & you can live your own life. Just don't expect them to be happy about that or be helpful in any way shape or form!

[Lovingfreedom]

So true...sadly they don't just disappear from your life like you wish they would. But...at least you don't have to live with them any more.
Follow the PRICK code when dealing with your difficult ex:

Pretend - you don't care what he thinks at all (eventually it will be true)
Resist - explaining your actions/intentions...you know it's right. That's enough
Ignore - insults, criticism, challenges, huffs, strops, moods, begging, threats, irrelevant conversation topics, attempts to suck up to you
Communicate - only when necessary, be clear and direct, I stick to access times/arrangements, school, health matters and legal stuff
Kiss - my ass your fing t - repeat as required, but only in the privacy of your bedroom...note...your bedroom (preferably re-painted girly pink).

[Lookingatclouds]

I heart you lovingfreedom!

[cestlavielife]

excellent code lovingfreedom! will remember that ...

[PostBellumBugsy]

That is superb Lovingfreedom!

[solidgoldbrass]

LovingFreedom, that's brilliant. OP, don't worry, your DC will be better off with you living happy and free of this man. Because controlling arsehole men harm their children both by abusing the children's mother and also by bullying the DC or manipulating them into becoming bullies themselves.

[HopefulFuture]

Scary but true I'm sure, about them not stopping being a nightmare even when you have separated but so good that you don't have to put up with it in such concentrated blocks!

Love the quote about better to be from a broken home than still living in one. Love the PRICK info too!

All your words from all of you have picked me up when I was faltering. Onwards and upwards. Thank you so much.

[Lovingfreedom]

You will have moments where you waver and falter.
I found that writing and reading back helped a huge amount.
I sent a list of incidents/evidence of emotional abuse to my sister and read that back from time to time too.
If you have at least one RL friend or relative that you can phone when you are wavering most, that is really valuable. Again for me it was my sister primarily. She deserves a medal.
But also, post on MN, when you have these moments and....amazingly...people support you and help you through.
You're going to be fine...and so will your kids.

[clam]

So, you went to counselling, he did all the talking with you hardly getting a word in edgeways to put your point across. Yet he reckons the counsellor took your side? Rather shows he was talking a load of bollocks then, doesn't it?

[perfectstorm]

I've always been hugely grateful to my mother for leaving my father. It meant that I didn't grow up in the same house as him.

Incidentally, a man capable of that tactic on you is capable of it on your kids. My dad was. It's pathetic and horrible in terms of self esteem. You're doing them a favour, providing an alternative.