Does anyone think they are not cut out for relationships?

[whatsthehurry]

Are they just too much hard work and compromise - have you become resentful that you have changed so much, that you no longer feel you are being yourself?
Do you really just long for your own space and to do what you want?
If you have done it, did it work out?

[WineGoggles]

It's so great to read everyone's stories, I feel a bit better about myself now . I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love and being in a relationship, but often find the reality disappointing once the novelty has worn off. From my teens to my 30s I went from one short term relationship to another, only being happy for the first 3 months or so until the rose coloured glasses came off and I realised I preferred being alone. The most fun I've had was with fuck buddies, but then I missed the emotional aspect and would want a relationship again. Unfortunately I quickly start to miss being on my own once I'm dating someone and then feel terrible for having got myself into something that will be upsetting to end. That's not to say I'm always the dumper, it's about 50/50 dumper/dumpee.

At the moment I've been with my lovely BF for over a year (ages for me!) but I find the little niggles and disappointments increasingly hard to deal with and I'm getting worried. I know in my head he's as good a match for me as I'm going to get, and I do care for him, but I don't miss him when we're apart (then again I only miss people when they die or emigrate!). We only see each other every other weekend now so I think I should be excited to see him but I'm just not. I plan to move away and this will make it more difficult for us to date, and although initially I wanted him to move with me I'm now hoping we will just have a relaxed long distance relationship instead. I really don't think I could live with anyone as I like my space too much and feel trapped after a while. Marriage definitely doesn't register on my radar and cohabiting doesn't seem appealing either. Thing is though I wouldn't want to split up with him and part of me wishes we could put our relationship on hold, keep in touch as and when, and restart it when we're old.

[HairyGrotter]

I too, am not cut out for relationships. I love being single, I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter, with whom her father has no contact with (his choice), I am a mature student, I have a lovely home, wonderful friends, and a FB in Scotland (like a little break away for me :)).

I have no desire to 'grow old' with anyone other than myself, I love my own company, and when I wish to spend time with others, I go see friends or have nights out.

I am coming up to 32 this year, and my 30's have taught me that I really like being on my own. I am comfortable, happy, and confident with my life, someone coming into this life would have to 'add' to it, not 'take' from it, and they'd have to be pretty bloody special, possibly only Johnny Depp can do that...

[geegee888]

I do often wonder how many people are with their partner because of a desire to fit in socially, and then just get used to it?

As opposed to being with someone because they can't wait to see them again/want to touch them all the time/think about them constantly.

I actually think men are particularly bad for doing this. But then I seem to be plagued by men who have girlfriends but lie about being single. It makes you wonder why they don't actually find someone they're more into, or stay single.

[NicknameTaken]

Hear, hear, Tamoo. I'd take the job over the man too.

[Tamoo]

I absolutely don't think I'm "cut out" for relationships, I'm not entirely sure why as I consider myself to be a nice enough gal. But somehow I have always attracted men who treat me badly. In the last ten yrs I've only had three significant relationships, DS's father who was controlling and EA, one guy who was an out-and-out psychopath, and another who was selfish and a liar. I've had a go at internet dating and never met anyone whom I found both physically and morally attractive IYKWIM. Now I've given up. I work from home and don't have any sort of social circle so will never meet a potential partner 'naturally' or by accident. Also I am a single mum entering her late 30s, so am not inherently the type that available men seek out. Plus I am not girly, cute, pretty etc, have never been eyed up or chatted up in the supermarket or anything like that so unless I dedicated a lot of time and effort to hunting down (!) a partner it's just never gonna happen, realistically.

I've come to terms with that, I mean, some people have to be the ones who end up alone - I must be one of them. I enjoy my own space and I enjoy the opportunity to focus on DS as I know in a few years he'll be off starting his own independent life and it makes me happy to think I'll be able to look back and say I made the most of his childhood. TBH what upsets me more is that I don't have the career I've always craved, I often ask myself what I want more: a wonderful man who loves me or the job I've wanted since I was eight, and the answer is invariably the latter. I'd happily retire as a spinster to live in the country with my fifteen cats if I could just nail the work thing first. I know I'll regret that more than I will not having a long term love affair.

[NicknameTaken]

I'm with SaF and Gentle. Oh, I still harbour the occasional fantasy of Mr Right who will put his arms around me when I'm having a bad day and make me feel better, but I look around at the relationships of the people I know, and I don't want to swap places. Not that I'm surrounded by awful relationships, it's just that it seems to me that mostly the women put a lot in and get rather less out.

[Offred]

And I'm only 28 that's one contributing reason for my lack of financially security, also being physically and emotionally abused (think stately homes thread) as a child and not progressing in education beyond GCSEs being very depressed, homeless and then meeting XP at 18, having first child at 20, second at 22 and xp leaving just after second pregnancy happened saddling me with over £2000 of debt and leaving me on benefits I really struggled keeping my head above water and unpicking all the abuse.

[Offred]

It wouldn't have been fair to him otherwise.

[Offred]

I don't think I won't be able to find someone later. I just meant because I needed someone now and I needed the protection marriage afforded I chose someone I could imagine being committed to throughout the different stages of my life.

[swallowedAfly]

see the 'i don't think i want to be alone when i'm old' thinking always just makes me think well then you'll find someone when you're old. we have this idea that if we don't want to end up a lonely old woman in 50 years time we have to grab and bag a man now. for one thing rationally half of relationships don't last to old age through divorce and people can die etc and for another it is again totally ignoring all those years of your life that aren't youth or old age. stuff happens in there! it's not some abyss on life support and they wake you up for dying.

why do we assume our romantic lives can't keep evolving and changing right to the end? if you are lonely in the later years then i'm sure there will be men or women around who are also lonely and looking for companionship. it's not now or never.

the whole of your middle age seems a lot to sacrifice for the sake of someone to bicker with in your 70's.

[Offred]

See I think being "cut out" for relationships is different to wanting one. I also don't think being co-dependent is necessarily the same as being cut out for relationships either. I think I can function in any environment, I would probably be happier parenting on my own providing I had some financial security but I think later on I will not want to be by myself entirely although I need personal, mental and emotional space. I don't have the option to be financially secure without a husband, unfortunately that is the way our society is set up to punish women like me who were sexually abused by a bastard man, left with children and his debts. I love my husband, though we are falling out just now, but I chose him because he could provide financial security, was emotionally supportive and because I think he is hilarious, we have similar values etc. He is the kind of person I feel I can parent with and will enjoy being with when the children are grown. But often I feel like I'm not cut out for being in a relationship!

[Mumsyblouse]

I am not sure whether being with someone all through your teens/twenties/thirties makes you fed up and wanting to be alone or being alone during that time makes you very set in your ways and less able to find an easy compromise living with someone else!

Either way, living with someone is a challenge.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I'm "cut out" for relationships in the sense that I have co-dependent tendencies and am all too happy to subsume myself in a relationship and put the other person's needs first. Which is probably why I should stay the hell away from relationships (and am, for the time being).

But I have to say that when I read all the posts upthread glorying in not having to deal with another person's constant presence and compromises and the lot, I have to admit that I yearn for that kind of shit: I love cozy domesticity.

Right now I am working on being free and single and enjoying things on my own terms, though. It's OK, but I don't find it fulfilling.

[whatsthehurry]

And what's wrong with keeping them in a cupboard, just taking them out when you require a service - or "service"?

[whatsthehurry]

Bingo Hell - that feeling of being a failure when you haven't got a relationship/marriage influences you from an early age - I remember panicking at 17!! that I was on the shelf - fgs!

[BollocksToKarma]

The stigma about single mothers doesn't help at all either, putting more pressure on everyone to conform to the "ideal" .

[Helltotheno]

Yes I agree that women are brought up with somewhat of a sheep mentality about this stuff. From an early age, the whole thing of soul mate, white wedding, picket fence, perfect family unit is shoved down our throats by society in a sometimes subliminal, sometimes obvious way.

A poster made a comment upthread about her mother who had failed relationships behind her, saying that she felt 'she didn't want what other women wanted', when in fact, the reality is, she's actually free now and can admit that for her, that arrangement is not what suits her best. I don't think it's that other women want the whole cohabiting relationship thing, as much they're brought up to think that's what to aspire to unless you want to be considered a failure, then too often are disappointed by the reality.

Same disclaimer as SGB above of course.

[tzella]

I want to own a man for sexual services And a bit of cooking and being supportive from the sidelines while I weed the garden. I want someone who can frown at the washing machine then put it on correctly and bluster "Oh ffs this is filthy" at the bathroom/kitchen/carpet then clean it.

I am sick and fucking tired of doing everything for myself and I am sick and fucking tired of still living my 'colourful past'

[ClippedPhoenix]

Hmmmm, are we talking multiple dogs? and can I swap a massage for a gormet evening meal cook/washer upper after?

[SobaSoma]

What a lovely thread OP. Waves to Saf :) Yes, I'm definitely not cut out for relationships, I lose myself and focus too much on the other person. I've been divorced for nearly 6 years and now feel very much like the lovely sadwidow. What with DD and dog and a handful of close friends, I have everyone in my life who I need. Alongside that I'm quite an introverted, creative person and love to read, write and just generally observe the world around me. I'd find that hard with someone in my life.

I was in relationships for virtually the entire period between 17 and 50 and none of them made me consistently content. Now that I'm on my own I finally feel in control of my life and don't miss the drama one bit. I feel I was destined for the single life but am also glad that I'm a mother - I needed a man for that!

[solidgoldbrass]

It just doesn't seem to occur to a lot of people that all this guff about how women need men in their lives is dishonest propaganda. Because the truth is that heteronomogamy benefits men far more than women because that's how men set it up. The idea is that men get to own a woman for domestic and sexual (and breeding) services by telling women that every woman needs to be chosen by a man or she is a failure.

(Yeah, yeah, waa, waa, Not Your Nigel: plenty of people do have life-enhancing couple-relationships and plenty of men do contribute their fair share of domestic work. But plenty don't.)

[swallowedAfly]

i suppose a daily massage and picking up the dog poo in the garden might sway me slightly.

[ClippedPhoenix]

Oh and if it was a case of the partner doing other apparently "male" jobs, well the garden would need to be tended at least once every other day. Decorating would need to be done once a month and my car washed and servcied on a daily basis

[swallowedAfly]

and one thing i learned as a teacher was that every time i had a lovely, emotionally mature, funny, relaxed just lovely teenage boy in my class it would turn out he was raised by a single mother. absolutely true.

[ClippedPhoenix]

My homelife with my DS is very similar to yours Swallowed and it's truly wonderful. We have a very uncomplicated happy home. Not even George Clooney could make me want to change it