Information wanted on how mother walking out may have affected dh

[FlippingFlapjacks]

I won't be able to post much so apologies if there is a long delay in replies.

And I have name changed for this and don't want to give too much away.

DH's mother walked out and moved away (about 2 hours drive) shortly before he was a teenager. His Dad is a practical man and took good care of them, but they don't seem to have much of an emotional connection.

We have been having some problems and I don't really want to go into details but he feels that his eventful childhood has influenced the way he feels about me now we have children.

Does anyone have any idea where we go from here? I don't think he would be willing to talk to a counsellor as he saw one when he was younger and didn't find it very useful.

Are there any books that deal with this issue?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he's happy to talk to you, why not explore the subject together? Many people feel differently about themselves and their partners when they become parents. It's quite normal to feel anxiety about the future when faced with the responsibility of your own child and you don't have to have had a bad childhood for that to happen. Children of abusive or distant parents may worry, of course, that they will repeat the mistakes. Someone with a poor opinion of mothers in general may have different concerns. Ultimately, we're all responsible for whether we learn from the past and use it to improve ourselves or stay stuck in the past and use it as an excuse to do nothing.

Love each other, be honest with each other and take it from there. Good luck

[demolitionduo]

My mother did the same to me & my brother 30 years ago. I was 16, brother 14. I coped OK- I was the practical one & just took up everything she used to do, except the parenting. Dad had a breakdown so was quite uninvolved a lot of the time. My brother never really recovered & I feel it has damaged him emotionally. Contact with her was minimal once she left- lots of promises from her but of course the new man ended up taking precedence.

My brother has never married or really had a serious relationship. He lives at home with Dad (he's now mid 40's) & has made nothing of his life. He had so much going for him at 14......

So yes, my mother leaving did have a huge impact on him- he doesn't trust women (me included). The brief relationships he has had have always been with much older women (mother figures I guess) but they tire of his immaturity & bolshiness. He is incredibly angry & rude & has no respect for authority. I feel this has to be as a result of our mother going. I guess I was that bit older & more self sufficient- he still needed mothering.

He remains very detached from Dad (despite living with him) and me and has a very minimal relationship with our mother.

If he's willing to talk about it, encourage him- maybe some counselling might help too. I hope you can work through the issues together.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your story is a typical example demolitionduo of why it's a mistake to attribute all of someone's personality failings to one traumatic event in their childhood. You needed mothering at 16 just as much as he did but something in your personality meant you went through exactly the same experience but took something very different away from it. I'm guessing, if you're a mother yourself, you've made a conscious effort to be the best mum possible and take that responsibility square on. Your brother, by contrast, has opted to blame others, has taken advantage of sympathy to get away with behaving badly, and therefore keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It rather depends on the nature and severity of the trauma and also the age at which it happens. The earlier it happens, the more of an impact because that's when basic personality traits are forming. But I'm talking toddler age, not teens. If you're a fundamentally resilient kid, like yourself and the OP, you can deal with severe set-backs in childhood without too much damage. If someone never had that resilience to begin with they find even minor problems difficult. I know groups of siblings that have had fabulous childhoods with zero trauma and there's invariably one that thinks they got the shitty end of the stick. What compounds the problem when there has been a major crisis is often other people's reaction - making allowances, giving special treatment.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry... not the OP, the previous poster.

[FrustratedMod]

Sorry to hijack, have a similar situation and wondered whether I could get some advice.

What if the situation is compounded by total lack of contact from mother for a number of years, then when custody reverts to mother after father's death, there is (physical, emotional, but not sexual) abuse from stepfather who is never challenged by mother (who was/is also probably abused by him) and child is thrown out of the home at 16.

We are ignoring many many elephants in the room for the sake of maintaining a relationship with the only family member dh still has contact with, but I bear the brunt of much (I think) repressed anger and insecurity and it's very difficult when I would rather cut all ties (but I completely accept its not my choice).

[FrustratedMod]

Sorry just to clarify, the only family member we have contact with is the mother who was ostracised by her own family - by extension DH was too - for abandoning her child. The relationship is civil but there are obviously many things unsaid - because the abusive and controlling stepfather is still on the scene and prevents mother and son discussing what has happened in the past.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're describing is an ongoing problem. Children subjected to abusive parents are powerless to do anything about it whilst at the same time being dependent on the very same people who are treating them badly. Easy to idealise the absent mother all those years & blame others... the ostracising family, the step-father etc... for what have always been her choices. I suspect what he needs is the confidence to assert himself rather than cutting ties. As a grown man he's not dependent on them, doesn't need their approval, isn't scared of anyone any more.... and the day he realises that is when he'll find peace.

[FrustratedMod]

Thanks Cogito. He doesn't excuse his mother for what she did, he know it was all ultimately her fault though I think it has taken me talking to him and explaining that most 'normal' mothers would never behave the way she has. But at the same time he doesn't seem able to maintain this view. For example his mother's story about what happened is that his father 'took' him, and as she couldn't get him back she took off with his stepfather. This was in the seventies, obviously when mothers were almost always awarded custody, I think. Her story is that she had to fight for custody. Social services were involved in DH's care, we don't know why.

DH would like to know what exactly happened but can't ask his mother, it is bizarre when we see her, we all sit in silence while stepfather holds court. She's not allowed anywhere on her own, she can only phone DH when stepfather says so. DH won't force the issue, a hangover from years of him and his mother tiptoeing round the stepfather.

I'm growing increasingly frustrated of this impasse as it is impacting on our relationship but I don't know what I can do when it's not my place to speak to dh's mother.