Where does contact happen if his 'place' isn't suitable?!

[TwoPeasOnePod]

Hi all, after a horrible series of events last xmas leading to us splitting, exP has rented a room in someones house but it isn't suitable for our 3 dc ( ages 5 years to 5 months) to stay in, not even for a few hours apparently...
So what do people in similar situation do? He's all for coming round mine loads, acting 'normal' which is confusing for the kids and feels painful and disrespectful towards me ( some of you may remember my thread around xmas/jan detailing why we split, mskes it bloody hard to be around him)
His parents house is a no-go, so what do others do in similar situation?!

[StuntGirl]

I have no direct experience but I'd assume he should find somewhere suitable to take the kids out?

I wouldn't let him back into the home probably, especially if there are good reasons not to.

[Wants3]

Meet somewhere neutral, maybe a cafe or I think surestart centres can help set things up. I hope someone with more useful advice comes along soon!

[Wants3]

Meet somewhere neutral, maybe a cafe or I think surestart centres can help set things up. I hope someone with more useful advice comes along soon!

[TwoPeasOnePod]

Will look into the Surestart option, I never thought of that,good idea! His idea of having them for the day involves dumping them on his mum.and going to see his mate leaving 5 yo quite down so sick of trying to work it all out.

[MyLittleMiracles]

contact centres will help depending upon circumstances. Its not easy. Thats exactly what my ex wants! But i wont allow or so i have heard, or go to mediation. Do not do anything that makes you or the children feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Sorry no advice, could he rent somewhere bigger or is this what he can afford?

[TwoPeasOnePod]

It's all he can afford unfortunately. Do you have to be going through the CSA to use a contact centre, or are the two seperate? As we haven't gone through the CSA to sort maintenance.
Just can't bear the thought of putting up with this because its the 'easiest ' way of Dc seeing him, although I'm thinking I'll need to sacrifice having any sort of a break from the DC and just do it all myself, rather than try to change his half-arsed approach

[ledkr]

my ex came to mine for a few years but i either went out or to work so it helped me. However it did become fairly intrusive as he seemed quite happy to sleep in my bed and eat all my food despite his new single life that he wanted. I knocked it on the head eventually and im afraid the series of unsuitable places he has lived in has resulted in only short periods of contact with the children.

[TwoPeasOnePod]

That's exactly it Ledkr, he has loads of free time, goes out socialising as and when, and is also happy to come here and eat my food, involve himself in days out with us etc leaving me stretched thinly with the kids and having to neglect my own plans with friends and so forth.
Which is just another wrinkle to the old game of having his cake and eating it. I think I need to woman up a bit, it's taken me a lot to finally go it alone (it ended a looooong time ago though) and it feels even more scary to contemplate getting absolutely nothing from him ( in terms of support with kids)

[ledkr]

I got financial stuff sorted early on then decided that although i would do anything possible to encourage a relationship between him and his dc but he had to instigate and plan it.
I found it hard at first to get to grips with the feeling of unfairness that i did it all whilst he moved on and had lie ins and nights out etc but the rewards are great.My dc and I are now very close and they respect and appreciate what i have done for them.
I never let them hold me back from enjoying life and had my freetime too and also saved hard for us all to go on nice holidays together.
I have friends who obsess about the unfairness of it all but dont waste your time and energy.It hard being on your own but it beats seeing your kids once a week imo.
You cant change his behaviour only your responses to it so dont waste your time when you could be helping the kids through it all.

[ledkr]

Oh yes and stop all the days out etc. i did that for a bit but it doesnt help you heal and move on,find some like minded friends to have days oput with and stuff,my ex even gate crashed xmas once as he had nowhere to go what a bloody cheek.

[Birdsgottafly]

The only time that i have heard of Contact Centre's being used, is on the say so of a court order.

They are used when there is a deemed risk, otherwise it's a case of attending any of the services that are open to those registered.

It might have to be a pre arranged activity each week.

[ledkr]

No I agree,contact centres are inundated with court ordered contacts so probably wouldnt have the space.

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK thanks, excellent advice/perspectives. I think,Ledkr, that I know that's how it will be, the same as how you describe your situation, and I am going to really REALLY focus on the positives, I am so lucky to have the wee folk and will look at making the bloody best of it
The ball is im his court now, going to plan Life to suit us four from now on

[0lympia]

You have to stop considering it your problem. I don't deal with my x any more. He tries to moan to my mum but she says faux cheerily 'yes entertaining children is hard work!'. He has to make a bit more effort now. To begin with, my x sat in my mum's sitting room and made himself tea while kids watched tv.

There are hundreds of things to do out there.