my worlds falling apart and I want to kick his ass!!

[areyoumad]

Hi all

This will be long, so sorry in advance.

I've been with DH for ten years, married for three, I have a 13 YO DSS, there is a big age gap between us (19 years).
When I got with H, I never wanted kids and he didn't want anymore, however about five years ago (when I was 24), hormones kicked in and before we married we had a really frank discussion about it, I explained I couldn't not be a mum, but understood his position and if we couldn't agree we could go our separate ways. H said, we could try for one as his age was a concern.

We started trying two years ago and on Saturday I found out I was five weeks pregnant.

I will add here, generally me and H get on fab, but when we row it's vile, he's very hurtful and says things along the line of "you're a fat cow and no one else will want you etc", all said in the heat of the moment designed to really hurt, I've learned to ignore as we probably row like this two to three times a year. The rest of the time we are fab, loving and happy - I will add, I can hold my own in the argument and once the vile insults come out, I can be as nasty back, but I never kick off fwith the insults. Just lots of F'ing etc.

Anyway last night a stupid row kicked off over me playing Xbox and him wanting the TV, he stormed upstairs, telling me to Fuck off, and then said "get rid of the kid, I never wanted it anyway, we aint staying together so no point in having it" - I was livid and said why didn't he say somethig before we started trying, he just said I started trying, he was hoping it never happened, so I might as well know now. I said I was going out, he did suggest I go under a bus as that would solve some problems.

I've had five days of being happily pregnant, and now how can I move on from this?

If baby goes, so does marriage, house and everything.
If baby doesn't go, he told me to prepare for being single, I think I can manage that, financially it will cripple me, but I don't know what my options are.

I'm so pissed off that he's wrecked a happy time, by being spiteful, he won't apologise either as he says it's my fault we rowed.

Will I get any financial help at all? I'm not talking maintenance or anything, I earn approx £37k, but will need to pay for full time childcare, rent a house and clear approx 10K of my own debt.

Thanks if you are still with me, I appreciate it.

Wow - how you're whole life can change in an instant. :(

[HectorBrocklebank]

You never know - he may calm down and regret what he said. If it's typical to say nasty things then the baby is what he would direct it at to be his nastiest and most hurtful.

But I would be furious and hurt. It's a wonderful thing to have a baby and you really need to discuss calmly whether this is something you do together or you go it on your own. And you need to stress this is no longer just about you - but about you and your joint baby too. Still early days with baby and some men can detach from it until they see the scan/it's born. Also look at what kind of relationship he has with his other DC.

Good luck

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Being practical, you're not a higher rate tax payer at that salary so you will probably get something but not much. You are married though so if you split there would be division of assets and you are carrying his child (whether he likes it or not)...

Leaving that aside, what do you want to happen here? If he begs forgiveness will it all be forgotten until the next time or do you feel there is no way back from this?

I don't have any useful advice, I'm afraid. Although if a man doesn't want a child having unprotected sex is somewhat fucking stupid. Am fuming on your behalf!

[areyoumad]

Thank you

He has an awesome relationship with his DS, he spends loads of his time here, and they get on fab, but he's not sp great with the baby side of things.

Just resigned to the fact that it's ruined what should be an amazing time for me :( well us both really.

[Twitterqueen]

I think you're jumping ahead of yourself here. Try to focus on what's important right now. I'm assuming you really do want the baby so that has to be the priority.

I suspect he's in shock and also worried about he will cope with a newborn again. If you are truly happy about the pregnancy do not let him or anyone else spoil it for you.

Act as if it's the most fabulous news in the whole world ever - which I'm sure it is - and everyone around you will react accordingly - hopefully even H in time. If you show for even a second that you're not sure, maybe it wasn't such a good idea etc, he will latch onto that negativity.

And if it doesn't work out in time - you've obviously got a good job, you're young, you will get maintenance and help. You will come out the other end stronger, wiser and - all being well - a beautiful baby too.

[tribpot]

Wow, he sounds great, OP. Suggesting you throw yourself under a bus? What a keeper.

That aside, were his appalling comments about aborting the baby and him not wanting it said in the heat of the moment? Personally I wouldn't want to stay with someone who could say things like that under any circumstances, but as you have 'learned to ignore' in the past, you might have a different view.

I think you may get some posters saying how difficult some men can find it to adjust to a pregnancy and perhaps if you give him some time he will come around. But it seems like he has always been vile to you during arguments - unacceptably so in my view.

FWIW, I see no prospect of this improving when the baby has arrived and he has to take second place. I would put yourself first now and get yourself to the best possible situation to become a single mum.

Have a look at the Turn2Us website (used to be entitledto.co.uk I think) to see what benefits you would qualify for. He, of course, would be expected to pay towards the cost of his child. Does he do that for his ds?

[areyoumad]

I know he won't apologise, he never normally does, he can switch his feelings on and off quite well, so once he's decided something then that's it.

I don't know if I'm honest, right now to walk away and do it on my own, or have an abortion and be on my own. It's tough, I thought I was bringing a baby into a loving family and now that won't be the case.

It would all be forgotten until next time he has a strop and then off we go again with similar stuff. I switch between being upset and considering digging up the back garden to dispose of his body. Grrrrrrrrr

[areyoumad]

He pays well over and above what's required for his DS, more maintenance, half to everything - he's really good about that.

I think it's that I've always known he can be absolutely vile and I let him ride it out, it's been the one major bad thing about him, but the rest of the time he's great, but I never thought he would quite stoop this low.

[minmooch]

So sorry you are facing this - your dh is a twunt!

Practical advice - go and see a solicitor as soon as possible with as much info as possible - your history together, financial situation etc. You should get a pretty good idea of what you can expect if you divorce.

You are young and you sound strong - don't waste your life on a man who can say and act in such spiteful ways.

You can do this alone with a baby.

I am sure others will be along soon with more advice.

[areyoumad]

Thanks Minmooch

That one sentance about being strong really hit home, I can do it, but bloody hell, it's so different from what I imagined in the past five days.