I feel like the most lonely person on the planet

[goodtimesarecoming]

I am 34, two lovely boys and a partner of 4 years, but I have no friends.
I have never been a massively social person, but have had a few friends over the years.
In the last few months these have dwindled away, to the point of if I text or try to arrange any meet ups, people just blank me.
I don't know what I have done, whether I am being paranoid or people just find me really annoying, but I spend most nights crying. I see all the people I used to socialise with doing nice things on facebook and no one ever calls or invites me anymore.
I have tried to take anti-depressants to cope, but I can't get through the first few weeks. The easter holidays are looming and I just can't bear the thought of 2 weeks alone, crying, feeling like I'm a crap mum.
What the hells wrong with me?

[poppy1973]

Hi I know how you feel. I have moved into an area where I don't know anybody. I do attend the playgroup with my lo but just find that when nights out are organised that I never get included.

Last time this happened I got upset and told my dh about it that evening. Since then I decided to improve my nights out and days out myself. Recently started going to a local exercise in the evenings and although I haven't really made any friends yet, feel that I am making the effort to get out of the house and try to chat to other people. I feel that is the start - don't wait for other people to invite you out - just do it yourself.

I have felt so much better doing this - and now feel that if the parents at the playgroup organise another night out 'in front' of me and not include me that I have the confidence to walk away from the group and talk to somebody else.

I plan on also signing up for a local cookery class when the nicer weather arrives - as it is something I would love to do and hopefully will meet other people that share my interests and perhaps aren't inn the retirement age and we will be able to chat.

Its not nice not being included, but don't let it get you down. There are other people in the same situation as you. Hope this helps ?

[Tyniclogs]

I'm very irritating, annoyingly keen and over the top whenever I meet someone I like. I am over emotional and can't do small talk at all. I've been at home with two for over five years and have completely lost the art of social interaction....I can rant on at people about things that have been on my mind and people they have never met. I've also found it the loneliest time of my life but have managed to make friends despite all of the above...with relatively normal people. Accepting who you are and liking yourself a little goes a long way. You're not alone and in fact you sound much lovelier than I am and should take all the advice of above. Its definately a difficult time of life and not necessarily because you've done anything wrong. There's no hope for me, I've just turned 40 and realise I'm unlikely to change and in fact will probably only get worse. I've decided my only option is to become eccentric and quirky..to distract from my awful personality. :)

[springydaffs]

But you're self-aware tyni, which an awful lot out there aren't. It may sound cheesey but I find a lot of solace in eg literature, which is far more honest than general social interaction.

At root we all want to be loved, recognised, valued etc; just that some people are able to cover those basic needs better than others and can do that social interaction stuff. I do it but feel a bit of a fake tbh as I know I'm just using skills to get what I want

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

I missed the cinema today goodtimes but i shall go tomorrow. I really hope you do one group meeting on that site i sent you. I'd like to do a ghosthunt. I'd like to join a bookclub but scared of all the clever people

[Tyniclogs]

Yes, I supose self awareness is all part of the 'knowing and liking yourself' bit. I'm finding it harder to interact with people in general these days as I feel I tolerate people less, my judgements are way harsher and generally standards a lot higher when it comes to my time. And of course everyone around me is doing the same! I recently moved to a new area and spent last year being proactive about making friends, I got two major knockbacks which really floored my confidence like OP and it's taken a bit to get back to it again. I've made two good friends though so is that 50% success or failure?! I've focused on my family and things I've enjoyed doing and its feeling less personal. Just wanted to make Good Times feel less alone with the situation...as has been said I reckon there's a lot of us out there who aren't being invited to the party!

[takeitaway]

Too true, Tyniclogs, and the trick is in realising that half the time we probably wouldn't enjoy the party anyway! Op, you said in your first post that you've never been a massively social person - accept that, celebrate it even. A lot of the people at the 'parties' (or coffee mornings or whatever social functions you feel you're missing out on) are having a rubbish time anyway, so enjoy the fact that you don't have to go along with all that. Find the things that make you happy, spend your time doing them.

[goodtimesarecoming]

All this making me feel much much better! When I say I'm not massivly social, I didn't think i was, but I do love going out to pubs with friends, BBQ's, clubs etc.
I spent a lot of last night looking for clubs I could join, so thats a start.
It has been two major knockbacks if I'm honest, two people I considered really good friends completely ignoring me and it's hurt almost as much as a romantic break-up.
I'm trying to stay positive, if I start thinking about bad stuff, i just stop and think of something else.

[takeitaway]

Well, that's a good start

It could be that the knockbacks are nothing personal at all - could be your friends are having problems of their own, could be you are just at different stages in your lives at the moment. Maybe starting at university has just removed you from the circles most mums move in, so you have less in common with them for now. Doing a degree is a brave and cool thing to do aged 34 - maybe some people feel jealous or threatened. Who knows?

Try to see this as a temporary blip - you may feel like you're floundering at the moment, but in a year or two you will have finished your degree, you may be starting out in a new career, all kinds of opportunities will come along.

In the meantime, make the most of the fact that your partner is sociable - you can be friends with his mates, too, it really isn't cheating! It might be a bit early in the year to throw a barbecue, but you could suggest a night at the pub with his mates and their partners.

[Tmesis101]

Hi GTAC, you are not a crap mum, but could it be that you are operating at your max, in the sense that your life is demanding so much of you that you feel you don't have any more to give, and when you are in a social situation you go into automatic mode like you used to do. Could it be that because you don't know these new people so well you might come across as a bit OTT, whereas if you were old mates like before it would just be called having a laugh?

I think you are emotionally exhausted, for whatever reason, and you need some serious 'you' time before you launch yourself on the social scene. How about starting by doing something you know you will enjoy with a family member if you can, then if possible (and you have some expertise in a particular area) go on your own somewhere where people want to hear your view? It could be an area of interest, study or professional experience. It worked for me, I hope it does for you.

[ChitChatFlyingby]

There is a limit to how many good friends a person can have before they are unable to spend enough time on the friendship to maintain it. So it's sensible to limit your really good friends. That is what makes it difficult for new people, they may well be really nice and likeable, but people just don't have the time (or energy) to spend on them.

I've moved to a new area, and after 3 years I'm only finally starting to make a few good friends, and a few friendy acquaintances that I few comfortable enough seeing very occasionally (with a few mishaps on the way!). It's tough, and it sucks.

One thing that I found when I studied as an adult is that people around me felt as though i was putting them down by wanting to 'better myself'. Their insecurities wouldn't let them accept that I was doing it for myself, and had absolutely nothing to do with how I viewed them. I lost what I thought were a few good friends along the way. When you're young you are expected to reinvent yourself, when you are older people get nervous of you reinventing yourself.

[Mumsyblouse]

Most people are quite wrapped up in their own lives, especially if working and looking after children. If I'm honest, I tend to keep in touch with people more than they keep in touch with me (I phone first, they call back if you see what I mean). I've accepted that if I want to stay friends, it may be a lunch every few months or that I always call first. I don't think my good friends have abandoned me or don't like me, more that they are just very busy and I'm not part of their everyday lives in which they just try to keep everything juggling along.

So, you are right to let go of the friendships where they are just not responding and don't seem to want to get together, I can understand this makes you sad though, it's really hard and makes you feel very vulnerable.

But I wouldn't let that deter you from finding new people, not to be great friends initially, but to have a laugh with, to chat with, to do an activity together and then perhaps to make friends if they have the time and inclination.

If this is genuinely making you depressed enough to take AD and feel hopeless, I wonder if that is driving your feelings more than anything. I would tackle the depression as I don't think making new friends will solve it anyway and you may find things brighter once you get it sorted (i.e. see that them not wanting to be friends may just be about them and their lives being busy and not a personal rejection of you).

[springydaffs]

..it's hurt almost as much as a romantic break-up.

oh I completely relate to that! It can be, indeed, as bad as a romantic break-up but you're supposed to take it on the chin when you're dying inside and your self-esteem has taken a humungous battering. It's so personal!

However, once you get over the soreness of it you start to think that they must be blind. yy I know that sounds like a cop-out but tbh I don't want to spend time with people who treat me badly/they're not what I thought they were etc. YOu said yourself that you wouldn't treat even people you don't like the way they have treated you, so what have you lost? nothing. It's good you found out - though, admittedly, it hurts. Then there's the 'I should've known/I choose all the wrong people/I'm defective' beating self up shit - give yourself a break if that starts creeping in eh? Some people behave appallingly, period. An awful lot do tbh

Love your username btw goodtimesarecoming

[goodtimesarecoming]

I think you're right about the depression, I have really low days, when I am busy at uni it's not so bad.
I think I'll go back to the docs and try some low dose AD's, maybe start them at easter when I don't have to drive about.

[amillionyears]

Are you brave enough to ask your two friends if anything has changed?

Perhaps they have heard a rumour about you that isnt true?

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

springydaffs too true, i really know what you mean.

Thank gosh for MN

[goodtimesarecoming]

I think they probably both are busy with their own lives. The two are un-connected. I do have a tendancy to over think things sometimes, and am aware when feeling depressed it tends to make me a bit self obsessed, so I am trying to not be like that as much as poss.

Can't believe how much this is all helping, just getting it off my chest and having some positive feedback has made me realise it's probably not as bad as i was thinking.

[takeitaway]

Glad it's helping. Depression can definitely make you more introspective, but it may not even be depression as such, more the need to keep things in perspective. To anyone looking in from the outside, your life looks grand - you have a DP, two lovely boys, you are studying for a degree in a really cool subject. Okay, so the friendships may be thin on the ground at the moment, but that can be worked on. What you have is a pretty good cake, you're just missing some icing . And if you take a look at other people's lives, you'll find we're all missing some icing - some of us might be with the wrong partner, some of us wish we could have kids, or could work, or didn't have to work. We're all just trying to work it out!

[goodtimesarecoming]

I know, I am always wanting everything to be perfect, i guess sometimes it just all can't be. I keep thinking, if i was out all the time socialising, i wouldn't have worked so hard at uni!

[imaluckylady]

gtac - so sorry you've been feeling lonely. It can so easily creep up on you when you're a mum, I've found. There's not the same freedom there is without children which I think can make yopur social life seem less - you don't tend to work as much and get to know colleagues quite so well, there's rarely the after-work-Friday-drink option, etc, etc.
BUT - I also think that children are the most fantastic conversation starter - just look at mumsnet - a whole website which started from the simple concept that mums want to talk to other mums. I say this, because it is an easy icebreaker if you're going to look into joining groups to meet people.
I also definitely second volunteering - especially if you can find voluntary work which has training, etc, so that you meet with the other volunteers regularly and not only the people yiou are helping out.
Also, what about the PTA or something along those lines - or does the idea fill you with horror? If not, it will certainly be a way of meeting people who share a similar interest. Choirs are also really good - there are often casual, local choirs which don't ask for auditions, just a l;ove of singing. Although I realise that singing is definitely not everyone's bag.
Can I also add that I find it really easy to forget to get back to people when I'm busy with stuff. It's really, really rotten of me, but it's never because I don't want anything to do with the person - just
that life gets in the way and I'm pretty disorganised..... x

[Notoutorabout]

Agree with the posts above...don't take it personally. If either of the friends you've tried to contact have jobs, kids, demanding families etc, it's probably major effort for them to pick up the phone, never mind arrange to meet (guilty).
one thing I would add from the experience of having been there (new area, rural community etc) is the value of time. I hadn't realised how long it can take to build friendships. Also learned that while you have to make the effort, forcing it often doesn't work either. If you can find a bit of faith in yourself, try to enjoy your own company while relationships build, keep on making the effort (I forced myself to speak to one new person a day - gradually build up to coffee etc, also the great suggestions here) it will fall into place over a year or so. Of course, since having my third, the name says it all......

[sandyboots]

some great advice on here OP - I feel the same at times, recently read a book called 'dare to connect' (self helpy woman sorry forgotten name and can't do links but it's on amazon) which I found useful

[Tyniclogs]

I could have written what Springydaffs said...and BigGirl. Defo sounds like the blues are playing a part in this, I get hugely self obsessed (worrying that its all about me) when I get down. I lose perspective and become overly self conscious, definately being around anyone becomes hard let alone people who aren't good for your self esteem. Sometimes you may need to adjust your expectations, us perfectionists love to beat ourselves up over everything! Pills might help you get the perspective back. When I'm well I'm able to think 'its not me, its you!' I can recognise much more easily whats happening in situations. I don't take pills as they don't agree with me, I've learnt to recognise the signs and take aversion tactics. Lots of positive thoughts and actions, don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate everything you are, its pretty much the same advice anyone would give regarding romantic relationship. Value yourself and others will too.

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

I've never taken AD's as i'm not depressed enough. My life situation is difficult as im a carer. Also bad childhood start i'm sorting with therapist..slowly. Full of anger sometimes and self blame too about past relationships. I'm not perfect but i let people whom had no respect for me exist in my life.

Tym i so get you too x

[GinPalace]

So, you enjoy active outdoors stuff (cycling and gardening) you like a good social, (BBQ's, pubs etc), You're changing careers while managing a home and family, friends of dp and fellow students like you.... you sound great!

I'd say if people aren't into you (even if they used to be), they either are just the wrong person now and have maybe outgrown you or something, or they are just a little wrapped up in themselves and haven't realised they are being a bit shit, in which case you are better finding some other friends.

You sound like you have loads to offer as a friend - you sound like just my kind of person anyway, and lots of my friends would agree, so I think if you can unhook those unhelpful thoughts such as 'what's wrong with me' and start seeing all the fab stuff you'll be AOK.

Incidentally, I am in final year of uni, have a ds and enjoy cycling! I have barely been out for three years but am hoping to get a good degree from it - so you are not an odd one out at all... you just need to dust your life down now you are at another era in life and reinvigorate it into some semblance of the type of life you'd like.

Good luck. :)