Horrible mess of a relationship, don't know what to do

[HorribleCloud]

I have name changed for this.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been getting help for some time and for the last few years I have been improving but it's a long slog.

Live with my DP, been together for 2 years, no kids. Things haven't always been easy but now they're really at a bad point I think.

I currently only work about 20 hours a week. I'm trying to get more work, but it's not that easy and I'm not even getting any interviews when I apply for jobs. He works full time, and earns good money (£28000 a year).

Until last week, I was full time, so I'm ok for money this month but next month I'm going to be skint. I'm so scared. All my money will go on rent and transport and then I don't know what I'll do. I can't claim any benefits because he earns too much.

I asked if we could talk about it tonight, and he said "look, I'm not going to let you starve, but I don't want to be in a relationship where you rely on me for money, I've always said that." To be fair, he has always said that - but I'm so upset. He earns enough to support us both, but says he has no money left at the end of the month - next month he's going to China with friends, he's just paid £40 for a ticket to a club night, he buys lunch every day because he forgets to bring the lunch I make him...meanwhile I'm trying to spend nothing except on the bare essentials.

I'm ashamed to say I totally lost my temper with him tonight and slapped him on the arm. I feel so guilty and have come to sleep on the sofa.

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable to expect him to cut back and help me out a bit more. Or should I just end it? I really don't know.

[HillyWallaby]

Why have your hours been cut to 20 a week? Was it forced upon you by your employer? Is your MH a factor in your hours being cut? I'm just wondering if you ask for it to be cut further to 16 hours on grounds of your health can you get a benefits top-up? WTCs? Sorry, I'm not very up on this sort of thing.

I really feel for you, and this is a very tricky situation. Two years is not a particularly long relationship, you are not married and have no children so in effect he may as well be a business arrangment flatmate, and he/she would not be expected to carry you financially. Where would you stand benefits wise if you did share a flat with a single friend rather than a partner? Could he become a business arrangement flatmate for that purpose? I would not usually advocate twisting things to get benefits but in this instance I think you are stuck in an unfair situation, (and so is he to be honest) and it would be cheaper for the state to help you pay half in the flat you are in, than to pay for a flat of your own.

But on the other hand, if co-habiting couples wants the same rights and protections as married couples then they need to be viewed as the same, so I understand why the rules are as they are. No help to you right now, I know. But even if you were married he would have a right to insist that you keep financial independence from one another and split everything 50:50 regardless of who earns what. Loads of couples do that their whole lives together.

Has he always been this way about money or is it that the relationship has been put under strain because of your problems and he is losing patience and sympathy? I'd be questioning whether it really is a money issue or whether he is starting to feel unsure about the relationship.

[PattyPenguin]

wrt Tax Credits, as I understand it if you're single and over 35 you can claim TCs only if you work over 30 hours a week. Not much help to you, I know.
But as you've already found, if you're in a couple you can't claim at all if your partner earns what yours does.

Is there a Citizens Advice Bureau or advice centre where you live? I would definitely advise making an appointment if there is and asking what your options are if you strike out on your own. They're used to dealing with people in financial straits, and they have access to all the information and calculators.

If he thinks you should be independent financially, and you're better off financially if you don't live with him, how can he complain? There's nothing to stop you going out as boyfriend and girlfriend, if that's what you both want.

If, as I suspect, he wants a housekeeper, if I were you I would charge him a housekeeper's wages. Look up what a live-in housekeeper would cost - hint, she wouldn't be paying rent or bills either.

[BranchingOut]

Sorry, but at this point in time I don't think he feels that he is sufficiently committed to you to begin supporting you.

You are at the relatively early stages of a relationship, are not married, not engaged nor do you have a child together. Fundamentally he feels that he is a single guy - unfortunately your MH issues are now forcing the question to be clarified...:(

Lots of couples do keep finances separate up to the point of taking a further step towards commitment. My husband and I lived together (in a flat with other people) for around five years before we became engaged, it was only then that we started a joint account to save money for our wedding which gradually became our joint account when we bought a home together.

Make him move out and see what happens.

[Moobee]

This isn't what a relationship is meant to be about. What would happen if you did have children and were on maternity leave? I would leave - he's not left you with many other options. It may make him see sense. Good luck.

[Smellslikecatspee]

MH problems aside as I don't really see how they are involved here, this doesn't sound like much of a relationship here.

The 2 issues are that first; you hit him.

This is never acceptable.

You say you are in therapy at the moment. You need to address this as soon as possible.

If you were posting as a woman who had been slapped by her Boyfriend during a row/discussion about money most posters would be recommending calling the police/Women?s Aid and asking him to leave. You don?t say how he reacted. Is he ok?

I don't think it's unreasonable in a 2 year relationship to expect that if one is struggling that the other supports & helps you. Be that with money/ time/ whatever.
And not huff and puff about it.
Very few of us want to depend on someone else, but that is one of the main points of being in a relationship, that there is someone there to help you when you need it.

Sit and have a think about what you do to support him. Are there other ways that he supports you?

If he was ill would he expect you to help/support/care for him?

I think you need to have a chat about where he sees this relationship going. From reading your post POV it sounds like a poor excuse of a relationship you say that he?s going on holiday with friends. Do/Did you as a couple go on holidays? Was this holiday in China discussed with you or presented as a done deal? You also say he has bought a club ticket, is he planning on going alone? Do you do anything as a couple?

Now I will say I am not someone who thinks all couples should be joined at the hip, OH and I have very different interests but still do things together, and will always ask the other before we plan to do anything even if we know that the other is likely to say no i.e.: OH is planning to go for a 5 mile run tonight with some of his equally self masochistic mates. Before he committed to it he checked that there wasn?t anything I wanted us to do this evening or if I wanted to go too. Does he do that? Do you?

Maybe some time apart is a good idea for both of you while you both think about what you are getting from the relationship and where you see this relationship going.

[EightiesChick]

Time apart is definitely needed. If he doesn't see helping you as a priority even though you live together then it's not going anywhere right now and you could also do with some space so things like the slap don't reoccur. Plus it sounds as if you need to move elsewhere to get financial support anyway.

If your parents will help financially but aren't so good with talking about the MH stuff, I would approach it as being just about work and living stuff. Tell them your hours have been cut back, you and your partner are at a sticky point and you need for both financial and personal reasons to move - can they help you? Whoever said this is what parents are for are absolutely right.

[tallwivglasses]

If you're not getting short-listed maybe you need to apply for some different types of jobs? They may be lower-paid but better than nothing and possibly a chance of promotion once you're in.

That doesn't really solve the problem of living with an unsupportive man though.

[Bogeyface]

Sounds like he wants the benefits of being single but also with the benefits of lower rent etc that you get with living together.

I am not suggesting that he should pay every penny for you, but maybe covering your half of the rent until you get more hours would be doable, especially if you "pay him back" with doing his share of the housework etc. But what he says about never wanting to be in a relationship where you rely on him for money would worry me. What if you were made redundant? Or have a child and are on ML? And what if he lost his job, what then? Would he not expect you to pay a single penny to help him out?

Sounds like he sees your living together as a convenience rather than a commitment and I would be questioning my future with him.

[HorribleCloud]

Oh wow, there have been a lot of replies while I was at work. Will try to get through them.

I work in adult education and my hours have been cut as there aren't enough students to justify running more classes than that. My mental health is not a factor in that. I can't get any benefits because his wage is too high.

Although we've only been properly together for 2 years, we have been on and off for 7 years, but my mental health problems made it difficult, and I lived abroad for a long time. We can't claim to be flatmates as we only have one room. Yes, I would be able to claim benefits if I was living in a flatshare.

He's always been like this about money. His dad was declared bankrupt when he was little and they had to move home and were permanently skint. So he's always been very protective of his money.

PattyPenguin - I don't think he wants a housekeeper. He really doesn't mind if I don't do any chores or anything like that. I think it's more accurate to say he wants the benefits of being single and the benefits of being in a relationship.

I can't make him move out as I can't afford to live here alone.

Children will never be an issue as I don't want any.

I do think my mental health problems are relevant, as the key problem in Borderline Personality Disorder is having difficulties with relationships.

I know it wasn't acceptable to hit him. He didn't really react. I hope he is ok, I feel terrible about it and I know I need to learn to control my temper better. A LOT better.

He tries to support me in other ways, I guess, but I start work at 9AM and he doesn't normally finish til about 9.30PM so we don't see each other too much at the moment. I mean in my mental health, it's hard if I'm upset and he's not around but he does try to help if he is.

I don't think he does expect me to support him. That's hard for me, as I want to. I try to help him with his work sometimes, iron his shirts if he needs one, give him space to chill out after work...I don't know how else I can support him.

We do a lot of things as a couple, actually. It's not as if he's out every night with his friends while I sit at home. Yes, we go on holiday together, we go out together at least twice a week and normally spend at least one full day together at the weekend, if not the whole weekend. The China thing was presented as a done deal - that hurt me quite a bit. Yes we check each others plans before we go out.

I can't be in a relationship where I can never rely on the other person for money and support. I don't WANT to rely on someone, but I have to at the moment and I have no idea what to do.

Sorry I know I haven't answered every question, but this already feels like a mammoth post and I need to go and have a think about some stuff.

[BranchingOut]

I don't think it's unreasonable in a 2 year relationship to expect that if one is struggling that the other supports & helps you. Be that with money/ time/ whatever.

But the problem is that today, cultural and social expectations are of 'serial monogamy' eg. that when you are young you have a sequence of relationships where you sometmes cohabit, sometimes don't and eventually, one of these ends in marriage or a long-term commitment. But the expectation is that both parties remain self-supporting throughout and maybe the situation only changes with marriage or children.

Unfotunately, that can tend to leave women up the creek when they have an unplanned pregnancy or are vulnerable in some way, like the OP.

[kens123]

Wait it out and see if you get an interview, you never know if you get a job or not. If he'll provide food then that'll tie you over until you get a new job

If he had the China holiday booked already, then it's not like he foresaw you having your hours cut/losing your job

[dreamingbohemian]

I'm so sorry OP. I also think you should move out and claim for whatever you can. It's better to be skint but knowing you are supporting yourself, rather than skint and living with someone who could support you but isn't.

Have you looked at working tax credits? I don't know what the hours requirement is these days, I think it used to be 16? You might also get council tax benefit.

I think you should hold out for someone you can actually rely on. They do exist!

Until then you are better off being on your own, at least this is what I learned (the hard way!) Yes it can be lonely, but it's better than feeling lonely whilst still actually being in a relationship.

[HorribleCloud]

He knew I had had my hours cut when he booked the trip to China.

It's not really about getting a job now. What if I lose my job again in the future? What if I can't work because I'm sick? I don't know if I want to be with someone I can't rely on - and further, who won't rely on me? That is horrible too, I want him to rely on me.

[rookiemater]

Tell him you need to move into a flat share to get enough money to live on, look for a flat share get some options together, see what his response his.

I'm kind of torn on this as going to China is the sort of thing you should do when you are youngish and don't have family responsibilities, but yes hard to see how he booked it when you have no money.I don't see it as the kind of thing you would do to someone you envisaged being your life partner so perhaps he doesn't view the relationship the same way you do.

TBH if you have been having difficulties for a couple of years, moving away could be a very healthy thing for both of you.

[kens123]

I suppose that was kind of selfish on his part. You could try and explain that it's beneficial for you if you were to move out because you'd then have money to yourself. Try and talk to him again without the arguing and slapping, see if you can compromise

[HorribleCloud]

I don't resent him going to China - I do resent the fact that he's saying "sorry but I don't earn enough to support you" while going to China for 3 weeks and buying books every 2 seconds.

I've told him I'm looking for flatshares. He's not happy, but he won't suggest anything else.

[Bonsoir]

To be fair to your DP, I think he is trying to help you. He thinks you need a job and he thinks that you are more likely to look for one if he doesn't give you more than essential money.

[HorribleCloud]

Maybe he is Bonsoir. Part of the problem is that I just don't know what is ok and what isn't in a relationship.

I think the problem is all me. I think I just don't know how to be in a relationship.

[Bonsoir]

He sounds quite nice and reasonable to me! He is trying to teach you that "being in a relationship" is not about being dependent on another person without giving back.

Can you tell us more about what you do for him?

[RingMyBella]

All I can say is that I'd be horribly disappointed too, in this situation and if I were the breadwinner in my household and dp lost his job, I have before and would always support him. That's part of being a committed couple, I thought.

[HorribleCloud]

But I do give him stuff, Bonsoir. I think I detailed a few things - I clean the house, do the dishes, make tea, iron his shirts and do all the laundry. He is a journalist and I write articles for him (for free) if he needs to fill space in his paper. I try to give him space when he is knackered from work so he can sit and read or play on his computer. I buy him things that I see that I think he'll like. I try to find nice stuff for us to do together at the weekends.

I don't know why you think that I don't do anything for him, I don't think I ever said that.

[BillBrysonsRucksack]

I think it's really sad that you think the problem is all you, OP. IT IS NOT!

Yes, you have MH problems, but your OH should recognise and accept that if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. He obviously knew about your BPD before you moved in.

To me, being in a relationship where you are cohabiting means supporting each other in any way that is needed, including financially.

[HorribleCloud]

I don't know BillBrysonsRucksack. He is high functioning and normal and has lots of friends and a good job. I don't even know what he's doing with me really, because he could do so much better. I can understand he gets frustrated because it must be so boring to be with someone who is sad and angry all the time. Yes, he knew about my mental health problems, but maybe he didn't realise how bad it can be, just in terms of it never really going away.

But I do need to know I will be supported. And like you, to me, that means in any way, financially as well. I have been applying for jobs all afternoon so hopefully I'll find something.

[dreamingbohemian]

'I think the problem is all me. I think I just don't know how to be in a relationship.'

Or, it's possible you just haven't been in a relationship with the right person yet. Some people will handle things better than others, some people are kinder and more generous than others and probably that is what you need.

Whether or not he's unreasonable for not wanting to support you, the fact that he feels that way after you've been living together for 2 years is a pretty good sign that he probably feels less committed to you than you would like.

[fridakahlo]

But if he can't handle being in a relationship with you then he should tell you that!
And it does sound like you do a lot. Could you start charging him for the articles you write? If you've been doing that for a while, I think I would be looking for backdated pay too.
That is slightly said in jest but at the same time, he is taking the mick!