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Relationships

Horrible mess of a relationship, don't know what to do

68 replies

HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 01:38

I have name changed for this.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been getting help for some time and for the last few years I have been improving but it's a long slog.

Live with my DP, been together for 2 years, no kids. Things haven't always been easy but now they're really at a bad point I think.

I currently only work about 20 hours a week. I'm trying to get more work, but it's not that easy and I'm not even getting any interviews when I apply for jobs. He works full time, and earns good money (£28000 a year).

Until last week, I was full time, so I'm ok for money this month but next month I'm going to be skint. I'm so scared. All my money will go on rent and transport and then I don't know what I'll do. I can't claim any benefits because he earns too much.

I asked if we could talk about it tonight, and he said "look, I'm not going to let you starve, but I don't want to be in a relationship where you rely on me for money, I've always said that." To be fair, he has always said that - but I'm so upset. He earns enough to support us both, but says he has no money left at the end of the month - next month he's going to China with friends, he's just paid £40 for a ticket to a club night, he buys lunch every day because he forgets to bring the lunch I make him...meanwhile I'm trying to spend nothing except on the bare essentials.

I'm ashamed to say I totally lost my temper with him tonight and slapped him on the arm. I feel so guilty and have come to sleep on the sofa.

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable to expect him to cut back and help me out a bit more. Or should I just end it? I really don't know.

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HorribleCloud · 12/02/2012 23:10

Thank you so much for the support everyone.

I am about to go to bed so just a quick post. Thank you pocketlibel for saying it's not in the same league as abuse - I know it's awful to slap him and I am so upset with myself for doing it, but I also don't feel it's the same as abuse. We've spoken about it and it's not as if he feels scared to come home to me or anything like that.

The thing is he can be supportive sometimes. But I take a lot of my problems out on him. This isn't him taking off at the first sign of trouble. We've known each other for 7 years and in that time he's helped me a lot and I've been a total nightmare to deal with at times - back when I was really bad, I used to call him literally 40 or 50 times a day and shout at him and threaten suicide and all sorts of things. He'd have to switch his phone off in the end, but the next day he'd still call to check I was ok. He's always treated me like a normal person, even when others have thought I was a weirdo. I think he's just coming to the end of his tether with me unravelling all the time, because I lose my temper and it is NOT good. He is essentially a happy-go-lucky person who has ended up in a relationship with someone who gets suicidally depressed and I know that it must be very strange for him sometimes.

I'm going to my parents next weekend, so we'll have some time apart to think.

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GlueSticksEverywhere · 12/02/2012 20:27

HorribleCloud His newspaper doesn't pay anyone for freelance articles. The idea was more that it would take some work off him and I would maybe be able to build up a portfolio and show it to people to get paid work.

So he got paid for work that you were actually doing? Then that part of his wages should come to you.

So now it's not even about money. He was so horrible to me last night. And I was horrible to him too. He said some really vicious things but I know that he'll say he was just being horrible because I was horrible to him.

What did he say?

I know it sounds like he's a total dick, but when I'm not ill and I'm happy and not anxious, everything is fine. He says I take it out on him and then he gets pissed off.

So he's just a good time guy, happy to be with you as long as you don't have any problems. In the long term I don't think those relationships ever work as life isn't like that. Every now and then there will always be a problem and he proves that he is not supportive in those situations. What if things were really bad, he wouldn't be the supportive partner that you would need.

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olgaga · 12/02/2012 11:55

I think you're getting a pretty clear message from this man that he doesn't really want any kind of long term, committed relationship with you at all. He is certainly not your "best friend".

Find a room, ask your parents for a loan to get you on your feet. However hard it is, it won't be any harder than living with someone who makes it so obvious that he has no real feelings for you. That's really soul-destroying.

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pocketlibel · 12/02/2012 11:47

And ps, Lolly is right - this isn't about your mental health problem - in fact, by recognising you are feeling uncomfortable with this, and coming on here to seek help, you are getting better and stronger by the day. Good on you.

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pocketlibel · 12/02/2012 11:45

Really have to comment on the 'slap' issue here.
I know this is a very sensitive issue. There will be women on here who have suffered/been the perpetrators of domestic abuse, and I am fully aware of the damage this causes - physically, mentally, socially, economically.
But frankly, I think there is a real inability to distinguish between an exasperated physical reaction (regrettable as that is), and genuine abuse.

And yes, before anyone starts, I know the slippery slope argument.

We are all intelligent, and we can understand the difference. And yes, there is a difference.

I think what I can't stand is this 'beyond the pale approach'. That some behaviours are ok, and some are, 'oh gosh', suck-in-breath, just Bad - no room for discussion or exploration.

It's a dangerous attitude. It's more likely to encourage negative behaviour than anything else.

Who's to say a slap on the arm is any better/worse than a harsh word? Or stonewalling? Or exclusion from a social group?

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LollyBobs · 11/02/2012 13:20

I think he sounds very selfish indeed. If you choose to live with a partner then you are choosing to enter into a relationship where you are treated by the state as a married couple (rightly or wrongly, but this is the case).

I moved in with my OH because we wanted to share our lives and live together. He knew I still had a year of uni left and that I wouldn't be able to claim JSA when I finish uni because of his salary, but this was accepted because we are a couple who are happy to work together as a team and support each other.

He would give me his last penny if I really needed it, as would I him. And we would never make each other feel bad about the necessity of sharing our money when needed.

I think if you choose to be in a relationship then you are choosing to take on somebody's highs and lows. You can't get stroppy at the first sign of trouble in the way he is.

I don't think this is MH related at all, it's him being selfish IMO.

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HorribleCloud · 11/02/2012 13:19

He does pay more of the rent and for going out and stuff.

I only seem to really have problems in relationships too, but they are so bad they end up affecting the rest of my life.

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FabbyChic · 11/02/2012 13:02

Schema therapy is really good for BPD, DBT is long and you would see benefits after about a year, its not about making the Bpd go away though it about learning to deal with it.

I to have problems with relationships, have trust and paranoia issues. Im high functioning and it only affects that part of my life.

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FabbyChic · 11/02/2012 12:57

Ive BPD and this is nothing to do with your disorder this is about his selfishness, if you live together surely as he earns more he pays a higher percentage of the rent and joint expenditure?

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HorribleCloud · 11/02/2012 12:33

He didn't call it her to her face exactly. Just said "she's being a bitch" but loud enough for people to hear.

The thing is, if I had the money, he wouldn't want to pool it then either. He doesn't want to be dependant, either of us, I think.

His newspaper doesn't pay anyone for freelance articles. The idea was more that it would take some work off him and I would maybe be able to build up a portfolio and show it to people to get paid work.

He does pay for more than me, and we decided this week that while I'm not working much, I'd do more and he'd pay my rent and the bills.

So now it's not even about money. He was so horrible to me last night. And I was horrible to him too. He said some really vicious things but I know that he'll say he was just being horrible because I was horrible to him.

I know it sounds like he's a total dick, but when I'm not ill and I'm happy and not anxious, everything is fine. He says I take it out on him and then he gets pissed off.

I know we have to split up but I don't want to. I feel so sad.

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GlueSticksEverywhere · 11/02/2012 09:14

I don't like the sound of him at all.

He doesn't want you to be dependent on each other yet is happy for you to work for him for free and to iron all his shirts etc!

I really don't feel that the problem is with you at all. You are in a fairly long term relationship and share everything and live together yet he wants to keep all his money to himself . . . that's not how a healthy commited relationship works. I doubt very much if he would feel the same if you suddenly came into a lot of money or got a high paying job. I'm sure he would be happy to pool all the money then.

Someone suggested asking him for the back pay for the articles you've written. They said it in jest but I would actually do it. Point out that you could have been earning money in the time you spent doing that and seeing as it's contributed to you being unable to feed yourself now and he is unwilling to help you out there, then you have no choice but to ask for what is yours.

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BranchingOut · 11/02/2012 08:49

Woah, that is not a good sign.
Did he actually call her that to her face?

If he actually said that to her face then he needs to return to the club and apologise to her, at the very least.

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fiveisanawfullybignumber · 11/02/2012 08:35

He sounds like an arse by the way, calling the barmaid names is a big indicator of his basic personality and how he really views women.

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fiveisanawfullybignumber · 11/02/2012 08:30

Sorry no one replied to you. It really sounds like you are getting no support or respect from him. It will be so draining for you. Go to your mums forthe weekend and start making some positive plans to start out on your own. I know with bpd that sounds v scary but you need to learn to love and respect yourself, and don't accept anyone into your life that can't do the same.

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HorribleCloud · 11/02/2012 04:18

Thanks for your replies. Just had another horrible argument over - I don't even know. Nothing, it seems. He was annoyed that I took a while getting drinks at the bar - called the barmaid a bitch and was arsy with me. I pretty much lost it, crying in the club and everything.

Think this really is the end. And now I don't know what to do. Just want to sleep for a week.

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 21:01

Struwelpeter even. Bloody blackberry!

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 20:59

Cloud- struwepeter is on to something with that idea. Do you think he would be willing to move somewhere cheaper with you? Not that would solve the problem of his earnings and being able to claim until something else turns up.

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struwelpeter · 03/02/2012 20:37

you need to find out how much you can afford to pay in rent, travel and how much you would get if you lived separately. Then basically say I can't afford this flat with you. Either we move somewhere cheaper together, or I have to move into a house share or we move into a house share together.
If he doesn't want to support you and you have to ask him because of the situation then living beyond your means or feeling beholden to someone who will use having to support you in an argument will not be good for the relationship or your sense of well being whoever you are and whether you have a mental health problem or not.

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 20:11

But if he can't handle being in a relationship with you then he should tell you that!
And it does sound like you do a lot. Could you start charging him for the articles you write? If you've been doing that for a while, I think I would be looking for backdated pay too.
That is slightly said in jest but at the same time, he is taking the mick!

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dreamingbohemian · 03/02/2012 19:54

'I think the problem is all me. I think I just don't know how to be in a relationship.'

Or, it's possible you just haven't been in a relationship with the right person yet. Some people will handle things better than others, some people are kinder and more generous than others and probably that is what you need.

Whether or not he's unreasonable for not wanting to support you, the fact that he feels that way after you've been living together for 2 years is a pretty good sign that he probably feels less committed to you than you would like.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 15:20

I don't know BillBrysonsRucksack. He is high functioning and normal and has lots of friends and a good job. I don't even know what he's doing with me really, because he could do so much better. I can understand he gets frustrated because it must be so boring to be with someone who is sad and angry all the time. Yes, he knew about my mental health problems, but maybe he didn't realise how bad it can be, just in terms of it never really going away.

But I do need to know I will be supported. And like you, to me, that means in any way, financially as well. I have been applying for jobs all afternoon so hopefully I'll find something.

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BillBrysonsRucksack · 03/02/2012 15:14

I think it's really sad that you think the problem is all you, OP. IT IS NOT!

Yes, you have MH problems, but your OH should recognise and accept that if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. He obviously knew about your BPD before you moved in.

To me, being in a relationship where you are cohabiting means supporting each other in any way that is needed, including financially.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 14:58

But I do give him stuff, Bonsoir. I think I detailed a few things - I clean the house, do the dishes, make tea, iron his shirts and do all the laundry. He is a journalist and I write articles for him (for free) if he needs to fill space in his paper. I try to give him space when he is knackered from work so he can sit and read or play on his computer. I buy him things that I see that I think he'll like. I try to find nice stuff for us to do together at the weekends.

I don't know why you think that I don't do anything for him, I don't think I ever said that.

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RingMyBella · 03/02/2012 14:53

All I can say is that I'd be horribly disappointed too, in this situation and if I were the breadwinner in my household and dp lost his job, I have before and would always support him. That's part of being a committed couple, I thought.

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Bonsoir · 03/02/2012 14:46

He sounds quite nice and reasonable to me! He is trying to teach you that "being in a relationship" is not about being dependent on another person without giving back.

Can you tell us more about what you do for him?

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