No sex drive, DH not happy - what to do? anyone else been here?

[wonder23]

Since DD2 (who is 16 mths) my sex drive has not recovered, to the point were I completely avoid intimacy with DH and don't want to be seen naked. He has been patient but is now very frustrated and has said he doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage. I don't blame him but feel like a switch has been flicked off and I have no desire to fix it.

We get on well generally, don't fight or argue, he's wonderful with our children and a nice guy. I do love him, whether I am "in love with him" I am not sure. This issue has now taken over to the point where I am not sure if there is any hope for us as a couple and we can only discuss it by text. The latest message this morning from him was along the lines of not finding the situation acceptable any more and if I wasn't willing to do something about it he "loves me but doesn't want a sexless life" and "I've had enough, you don't want to try". As I said before I do not blame him not think it is reasonable to expect him to live a sexless life.

I wish there was a magic pill I could take to fix this. I don't want an "open marriage". It feels like there is no hope we can stay together.

Just wondered if anyone else had been here.

[MidlifeDad]

"Your H has lost so much right now, he has lost your attention, his pleasure, his means of connecting with you and getting close"

As voice from the other side ....this hits home for me.

Try to save something if worthwhile. If its not then consider setting each other free.

[LellyMcKelly]

16 months is a long time. Is everything else fine? Does he pull his weight around the house? Take his turn at getting up in the middle of the night, etc.? I didn't have sex for 4 years from fatigue, but also anger and resentment at having to do every single thing, all the time. A man taking out the bins and doing the hoovering is 10 times sexier than a romantic weekend away.

[lollypophairball]

Hope the OP got her mojo back in the end!

[lollypophairball]

Oh haha just noticed this thread is from 2012. I'm such a newbie.

[lollypophairball]

Me. None. Been years. May be the end of us eventually. It's just gone!

[jouu]

Tony you really need to start your own thread. No one of going to see your post here in reply to a 5 year old thread.

[sayithowitis]

Well, if the OP had posted to say that it was her DH who had gone off sex to the point where he 'would gladly go without forever', then she would have had many replies telling her a) how unreasonable her DH is being and b) telling her to insist that he goes to the doctor to get it sorted. I don't see that it is any different just because she is the one who has gone off sex.

I do not necessarily think she should 'just do it', if she has such strong feelings against it, that would be wrong and from what she says, it is not just a quick shag that her DH wants anyway, he wants her to enjoy it too. I also do not believe that she has the right to a) refuse sex, b) refuse to attempt to deal with this problem and c) to insist that he lives in a sexless marriage. She herself agrees with at least the last point.

If she truly loves him and wants her marriage to survive, she will make that appointment to talk to a GP about it - what happens then I do not know, counselling / medication /whatever. Otherwise she should do the decent thing and release him to find someone who can love him fully and who knows, maybe she will fnd she is happier on her own or she will find someone who wants the same sort of physical relationship that she wants.

[Lizzabadger]

OP - I second the advice to see a sex therapist, maybe by yourself, initially.

If everything else in the marriage is OK, surely it's worth at least trying to do something about this.

[GnomeDePlume]

I have to say that I think Malificence is absolutely spot on. Co sleeping isnt necessary especially if it is being used as a way of avoiding intimacy.

Long term relationships constantly renegotiate terms. However, you cannot demand that the new terms are met. wonder23 has no right to demand that her DH must stay in a sexless marriage. However equally her DH has no right to demand sex of her or to stay in the marriage though find sex elsewhere.

I'm afraid OP, you need to renegotiate. This may mean accepting that your marriage is over

[fluffygal]

Malifence No need to get nasty - was just giving my own experience to the OP so she knows she is not the only one feeling like this. No actually I have only given birth to 3 children and have only bf my last one.My other 2 children are my SS's who I took on as my own 3 years ago. I'm not really bothered whether you 'think' my child should not be bfed or if we should be co sleeping, everyone parents differently. It has only been since I gave birth to my youngest DD that I have felt like this, and I really do think its down to having a baby. My situation is slightly different to the OPs,I know I am still in love with my OH and I know its not forever,and I do remind my OH of that.

[Malificence]

The simple solution is to get your youngest out of yours and your husband's bed , a child that age should be in their own room, sleeping through the night without needing a feed. Your marriage, presuming you intend to be with your husband for life, is every bit as important as the needs of your child, as are you and your husband's needs for intimacy. Although I'm sure that co-sleeping is very effective at destroying intimacy and provides a great excuse.
If you've been pregnant and breastfeeding for the last 6 years, I'm not surprised you don't know what "normal" is.

[fluffygal]

Wow Here is it true about it being common to find sex disgusting when BFing? I didn't know that,that is some comfort to me at least that when I stop things might go back to normal(ish!).However I will not be guilttripped into stopping breastfeeding, I'll stop when DD and I are ready. Lego several times a week?!The only way we could manage that is if we turn up at each others work to do it (he works days,I work evenings), have sex in front of our children or with our youngest DD in the bed feeding,neither of which is appropriate and not really a turn on!

[Legobuildingpro]

I've got a 4th child who is 16 months. We still manage to have regular sex, several times a week. We are tired and busy, but we make the effort for each other. I also find sex important, it feels good, it feels nice, it feels close.

I think the issue here is much deeper. The way you describe touching and not wanting to be close to anyone. I do think you need to see a gp. I think that's beyond the normal waning you'd expect.

I think the signs which show trouble for your marriage. Is that one, you don't even know if you love him. Two, you know this is a problem and in your words have no desire to fix it.

That's the crux. It's been happening for 16 months. There seems to be a deep rooted issue with sex, but it's not a passing phase. You have no desire to fix it.

See any marriage needs work. If there is a problem, you work at it. If you have no desire to fix the issue, that's basically calling time yourself, no?

Sex aside, any problem that was persistent in my marriage and causing friction. If my husband had no desire to work at fixing the issue and therefore willing to let's the situation go on indefinitely. It would be curtains. I couldn't be married to someone who was withdrawing from the marriage in someway and had no interest in addressing why, even if I were upset.

But no I couldn't live in a sexless marriage forever, I wouldn't expect anyone to. I don't think it's fair to expect someone to live without sex forever, just because it suits you.

[ohbugrit]

Forgive me if this has been mentioned but are you BFing? That can have a dramatic effect on libido.

Also hormonal contraception, as was suggested by another poster, can really kill libido. So it could be a physical thing.

Talk to your GP - this could be straightforward. Only once the physical is ruled out should you consider deeper issues like birth trauma, fear of pregnancy, true rekayionsgip failings etc.

[Snowbeetle]

I totally agree with fluffygal - if you are together for life a period of difference is no biggy - to know it isn't for forever and keep communicating would help though. :)

[fluffygal]

I just want to highlight I am not the OP but have added to the discussion,just incase anyone is muddled up!So if having sex once a month isn't enough for my OH and he is entitled,according to some posters,to have sex with someone else,where is the line drawn?if he wants it every day but I only want it once a week,is he allowed to have sex with others then?I just don't see the logic.Every couple has ups and downs,this is a down which I fully intend not to be a forever thing.I think its quite sad that posters think that a man should jump into bed at the first sign of trouble. I have taken on his two children as my own,they call me mummy but does that count for nothing as for a relatively short period of our marriage I have not been 'up for it' every bloody day? I think for my situation the main issue is still having a very young DD who is bfed on demand. I can't have two functions for my breasts one time,I can't seem to seperate mummy from wife as my body is for my DD at the moment,but won't be forever.

[Rubyroob]

I have experienced your position, OP, but I'm a little further down the line than you. Our DS and DD are 9 and 8 respectively and our sex life life after their births was sporadic, very occasionally rampant in the following years and now non existent for the past 2.5 years. We live like brother and sister really, he is an excellent father and says that he still loves me. Being a cynical kind of gal, I keep thinking he will have an affair/fling, but so far he hasn't. We have tried counselling, the weekend away, diarising 'together' time, all the things your previous posters have recommended but they haven't helped us. FWIW, I do think that as long as you do still love and respect your OH, then maybe try the 'just do it' approach. Nature has a great way of reminding us how good sex can be, i.e orgasms! This has worked for us the last time we tried, but other stuff has since got in the way.

Make sure you look after yourself, apologies, that has been said before, but I think it's good advice as we Mum's are so often at the bottom of the pile. Self esteem should be nutured wherever possible.

The other thing I heard once was that the biggest sex organ is the brain, metaphorically speaking, of course. I think this means that get your head sorted and the rest follows, certainly I think some joint counselling may help you, ask your GP.

If you both want your marriage to continue and grow, you can get through this but it probably needs some radical changes. Best of luck, I hope things improve for you.

[Snowbeetle]

It sounds to me as though he has been patient and would continue to do so if he thought you were interested in resolving it.
Both of you are feeling people and both your needs matter.
If my OH didn't want to touch me for over a year I would start to at least need to know there was hope of change one day.
It sounds like he is losing hope that you will ever want him. And wanting him means so many different things it isn't just about getting off.
Sounds like a some honest discussion is needed. Certainly it isn't healthy that the problem is only approachable via text.
Tell him you care and you also aren't happy - though for different reasons.
Try to take the pressure off, agree not to even think of sex for another 4 months if in that time you will speak to counsellor/check hormone levels at doc/get some rest and me time. Then agree to see where you are at and discuss it again.
At least give him some hope that the possibility is gone forever and you might find he will be supportive. Hopelessness is no-ones friend - both of you are feeling it and trying to find a way through needs both of you to understand each other and work towards a relationship you both want.
Sorry that's long - just really feel for you. :)

[KwaziiHunt]

I would suggest that the not feeling in love with him could be because you are not having sex. It is a vicious circle I think.

I am not sure what the solution is, but I do think that if you were having sex then your feelings of intimacy and love would be stronger.

[QuickLookBusy]

Agree that making yourself have sex, when you dont feel like this, is not a good idea.

You do need to see if you can reconnect with your H but that doesn't mean sex. I think people need to feel emotionally close before you can feel comfortable being physically close.

Could you agree with him that for the next, say month/6 weeks you will both not talk about sex? But you will try to reconnect emptionally Maybe go out without the dc? Watch a DVD together? Just do things you used to enjoy together without the pressure of thinking he will be expecting sex.

Just see what happens to your feelings towards your H when the expectation of sex had gone.

[Fishlegs]

You said your dh is a good dad, but how much does he help with child related chores?
I seem to remember some published evidence between how equally the chores were split between couples and the quality of their sex life.
Do you resent him in some way and this is why you don't fancy him?

Fwiw I have gone completely off sex for a good 12 months after having each of my babies, but I've never felt repulsed by dh and wanted him not to touch me at all, that sounds like there's a more fundamental problem to me.

Agree w pp that a visit to your GP might be a good idea.

[PigletUnrepentant]

IME the times I have felt no sex drive at all, it was for the following reasons:

• I was extremely tired
  
• I was worn down with stress
  
• I have stopped loving the man
  

And no amount of 'practice' will bring the 'fire' back, on the contrary it would make me more resentful and reluctant. Being self conscious about my body was just an excuse to myself, I know I don't give a hoot on how I look if I am in the mood.

With a 16 m old I assume that you may be extremely tired or stressed. Talk to your husband about how you can change things in order for you to have more rest/time to be yourself not just 'mum'.

If you are neither tired or stressed, it is about saving the relationship not the sex life. They are intertwined together. Sex will be better when your relationship gets better.