how to politely get out of a friendship

[sidetracked]

not really an established friendship, met for coffee a couple of times went for walk and lunch once and attended my birthday party after being introduced by mutual friends. I find her hard hard work and dont enjoy her company. she doesnt really respnd to social cues so always stays so long that it stresses me out. ive tried to let things fizzle out by being unavailable but she is v persistant. i dont want to be mean and sense that she is lonely but im starting to feel stalked and really stressed out. she texted me yesterday asking when was a good time for her to 'drop in'. ive not responded so far but feel like i am being very rude and unkind. she isnt horrible just very needy and not my type. what would you do?

[izzywhizzyswinterwarmer]

You could respond with some polite words along the lines of you are going to be extremely busy with assorted matters for foreseeable future, can't guarantee when you'll be available to meet, will contact her again when/if the pressure eases.

Alternatively, a message to the effect that you've enjoyed meeting her and wish her well for the future but you don't have time (or 'don't want' if you think that only bluntness will shake her off) to take our acquaintanceship any further should have the desired effect

[likeatonneofbricks]

but you must have liked her a little if you went for coffee, lunch, walk? did she appear different to start with? I can see why she is encouraged by this. It what way is she needy - wants you to listen to her problems all the time? Also - how often does she contact you? if more than once a week it is a bit OTT.
You could agree to meetings less and state clearly that you have X amount of time (on your terms), and maybe she will fall away if that doesn't suit her. It's hard to be blunt with people.

[likeatonneofbricks]

fewer meetings, I meant (tut)

[izzywhizzyswinterwarmer]

It's hard to be blunt with people Is it, tonne? I'd never have guessed it from these boards

[sidetracked]

izzyi am not brave or confrontational....both those solutions sound sensible but fill me with dread. i think I am super nicey to compensate for the fact that what i want to say is'i never want to see you again, never is it a good time for you to drop round'
likea yes, she was always a bit different and made it clear to me that she was lonely, i felt she needed a friend and responded by being friendly- so it is me who created this situation all by myself! It is very intense when she is with me, making frequent references to our friendship and also discussing at length situations which she thinks she has been treated badly(but i wouldnt be particularly upset if the same had happened to me.) I'm natuarally fairly quiet but reasonably confident, I enjoy 1;1 chats with the normal your news/my news type conversation. with her I find myself with so little to say and it turns into a one sided rant from her interjected by how much she likes our friendship. It is stressful and I find myself literally without the words to say anything as she is so far off the mark that i would feel really rude being halfway honest aaaargh

[knockkneedandknackered1]

all i can say is poor women.

[sidetracked]

you're right knock i feel like the biggest b ever

[knockkneedandknackered1]

she can,t be all that bad because you must have some patience if your going on long walks with her and having coffie or is it a case of you using her when she,s available sorry to say. sound harsh but dont mean to be.

[Charbon]

I don't think you should feel bad about this at all. Just like a relationship, no-one is entitled to friendship, or more than another person can give.

The dilemma is that if she can't read normal social cues and you're a confrontation avoider, you're going to be stuck in this situation and eventually, you might blow and say something quite hurtful. It really would be better to be honest and tell her that you don't view the friendship in the same way as her and that you don't think there's enough to sustain it because you're too different. I wouldn't lie about having too little time to pursue friendships, because you're going to be forever dodging into hedges or under tables while out with other friends, if you see her coming

I don't really favour this, but you could perhaps heap all the blame on yourself and explain that your life is so busy and complicated that you only have enough energy for fairly superficial friendships in short bursts? That you know that's a failing in you right now, but it's unlikely to change in the foreseeable future and you sense she's got bigger expectations of you than you can't deliver?

At which point she might agree to those small crumbs and you'd still be stuck with her 'popping in' every now and then but then you could stand up when you've had enough and say you've really got to press on (as you're walking towards the front door....)

[TheMonster]

Maybe you need to work on being more assertive with hints when you need her to leave.

[Lizzabadger]

Just fade it out gradually by making the gaps between meetings longer and longer, meeting her more in groups and less one on one etc.

[sidetracked]

Charbon- your comment about entitlement is very helpful , thanks

[Fairenuff]

Arrange to meet for coffee in town for a set time. Say I can meet you at 10.00 for a coffee then I have some shopping to do (or whatever). Keep the meetings short and far apart. If she takes the hint, the friendship might dwindle with no hard feelings. If not, you will have to be blunt, I'm afraid.

[springydaffs]

I think I may be a bit like her!

ah well. She is probably extremely sensitive and she has been sent to you by God to learn how to confront people in a loving way [tall order]

I agree that if you don't say something now you'll end up blurting out something unkind, which will only add to her list of grievances. It's a toughie but when I'm in that sort of situation, I stagger the meetings and keep an eye on the time (plan it before). I would say that it's important to be respectful to her because it doesn't sound like she's had much of that. I'd also say that hinting would fly 5ft over her head, or crush her, so don't even go there.

tbh I find that an hour here or there won't kill me. Some people have been very hurt in life and are just so half-baked lays it on with a trowel. What I do is look for what I like in the person and play to that; jokingly chide them if they interrupt or go on too much abut themselves (oi! it was my turn! stop interrupting! etc). You may find that if you accept her she'll relax and be less gruesome. It's a fine line though, you have to make sure yoi're not patronising.

thus endeth the lesson.

[Alwaysworthchecking]

Sidetracked, are you me? I have exactly the same situation to deal with. This thing about 'she must be OK if you went on a long walk with her,' doesn't quite wash with me. The fact that you have seemingly chosen to spend time with her does not necessarily mean she's ok. With me, it's a combination of my tendency to assume that everyone is inherently likeable (that's how I got into my situation) and my fear of conflict (which is how come I'm still in it).

I can't really advise because I clearly don't know what to do myself! However, I would say that, based on the past 3 years, hints and ignoring really don't work.

Where I suggested that my contact is perhaps not 'likeable' - I should clarify that. Of course she is likeable: I should have said, perhaps, that I assume I will be compatible with the entire human race. She has taught me that I am not. She has also taught me not to answer the phone, how to get into my own house in a stealthy manner and to always look before I nip out to the front garden!

OP, either you are me or we know the same woman!

[violetsrblue]

Text her saying you are busy with family at the moment and after that be quite cool. It's harsh but the friendship won't work if it's not enjoyable. It's worth feeling a bit mean in the short term. It sounds like she is bending your ear and will just move on to the next person who will let her.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

You aren't responsible for this woman or her happiness that is up to her.If you don't like her don't spend time with her,simple.

[aurynne]

What Patience said. No one has "the right" to your friendship. I bet you can't imagine yourself being as intrusive as she is with somebody who is not keen on spending time with you. You definitely are being too nice, i bet she would not be half as nice with someone she does not like!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Its also really confusing for the woman cos effectively op is lying /being fake.Bit like goin on a 3rd date but knowing it ain't going anywhere,you wouldn't think it was right to see some bloke again if you knew you didnt like spending time with him.Just be genuine op,you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Hardgoing]

I would use the 'I'm pretty busy with family at the moment' excuse. I had a difficult time getting out of a friendship, it wasn't that the person wasn't nice, but I simply didn't want to get together on my precious weekends, and it just wasn't working for me as a friendship, so I just explained I do a lot with my family on the weekends and I wasn't sure when we could next get together.

I don't see why people are suggesting you carry it on and then phase it out, better drop now, even if it's a bit difficult. You shouldn't have friends you don't actually like, and to be honest, how is it good for this lady either, to have fake friends who are planning on dropping her. Just make an excuse and don't be available.