My best friend cheats on her husband - I get told all about it, feel bad.

[123fourfivesix]

I don't know why I'm typing this, think I just want a safe outlet without discussing it in real life I suppose.

Basically, my best friend of 23 years is a cheat. She has cheated on her husband (off and on with a number of people) ever since they were first together (about 16 years). She has said many times that 'this is the last time - when I get engaged/ married/ have a baby, it will stop' but she never does.

It's usually with someone at work and usually within work hours, so lunch times, working late, early starts, taking the afternoon off sneakily, work parties etc.

I get told about it everytime and all about the 'fantastic sex' etc, that she loves her husband and child but can't help herself. I try and remain calm and don't respond much (I don't congratulate or berate her). I just ask her questions which I hope will get her to think about her actions.

I feel so bad, I'd never tell her husband as I would not want to be the one to break the news, but he is a nice guy and a good friend to my husband and I. I also start to question all the relationships around me (including mine) as it must be so easy to do without anyone finding out.

I asked her the other day 'What if you started to have feelings for X (the new fling)?' and she said that 'Oh, it's ok, he's married and has a baby, so he's unlikely to want to have a proper relationship anyway'. I just feel sick with that comment. It's as if she cuts out any emotion.

I just wanted to let it all out really, I don't think she thinks that she is doing anyone any harm, that it's all a bit of fun. She is a good friend to me, but it's starting to make me feel awful. She is professional and appears classy, no-one would ever guess.

[noego]

A true friend would never project this onto you. Show zero tolerance for her behaviour. I believe in non monogamy but it has to be open. I wonder how she would feel if her DH was putting it about.

[daisychain01]

Z O M B I E. T H R E A D***

I've reported the poster
Its the Easter holidays!

[JustHecate]

I agree with those who say that you ought to tell her to stop talking to you about it. She's putting you in a terrible position.

[123fourfivesix]

Unfortunately, I do think it's real. As teens we used to blab to each other about any encounter (snog or whatever) with a boy and I think it's just carried on in some form or another. Obviously I don't now since I met my DH.

[Northernlurker]

I think the only thing to do is refuse to hear any of it.

I don't suppose there's a chance the affairs are the fantasy is there? That she's making it all up? I just think saying telling you 'makes it real' is a bit of an odd thing to say.

[sittinginthesun]

I also have a sister who has behaved like this. In the early days, she was desperate to tell me all the sordid details, but I just couldn't stomach them, and told her I thought she was out of order. I have simply refused to listen to any of it, which does cause a bit of tension, but we are still quite friendly.

[123fourfivesix]

Yes maybe, five. I think that's some part of it. She's usually full of bravado, but I do suspect there is something like that there. We were both fairly geeky types as young teens, but she sort of re-invented herself/behaviour at uni.

Her husband is fairly handsome and well dressed, sometimes these guys are no-where near him (I haven't seen this new man, but a photo on the website where she works). I don't understand it, it's very sad.

[fiventhree]

"She said that the new guy was so hot and he charmed the waitress into giving him a free pint and that earlier she had 'had' him and she was 'with' him, yet other women fancied him too...He was also very 'caring' when she realised that she had not used any contraception and was worrying about her period coming."

That is interesting. Low self esteem, possibly, underneath it all? She can only feel good about herself a) when more than one man wants her or b) even better, when other women want him too, offering her a double rush.

[123fourfivesix]

I'm back - thanks.

Hattytown, my friend sounds very similar. I think it's a little bit of the thrill of someone finding her attractive too. She said that the new guy was so hot and he charmed the waitress into giving him a free pint and that earlier she had 'had' him and she was 'with' him, yet other women fancied him too. I just thought what a sleazebag, especially as he has a wife and baby at home. He was also very 'caring' when she realised that she had not used any contraception and was worrying about her period coming.

I also thought that there was something 'wrong' with her and her DH's relationship that was unsaid and I didn't want to probe her on it, but now I think it's just her and the way she is. I think she would be the same with anybody tbh.

I've read about narcissism too and while I wouldn't want to label, I think my friend has many traits of it. She does find it hard to bond emotionally and makes friends and loses them relatively quickly.

I've decided that when she next starts telling me about it, I will say something like this:

'Look, you are my oldest friend and I love you, but I'm finding this all hard to deal with and I don't want to hear about it. I saw your DH recently and I couldn't shout 'Hello' over to him as I didn't want to speak to him one on one as I'm not sure I could look him in the eye. Your DH is a good man, and he doesn't deserve all this, nor does your child. I think you should work on whatever it is that is driving you to do this and I will support you in that, but I don't want to hear anything about your exploits.' Or something like that.

Thanks for all the replies, I didn't really expect many. I was just venting really. It was making me feel down and I thought I was odd as it didn't directly affect me or my life.

[SillyOldBear01]

What am awful position to be in, I've been in similar before
Its hard talking to the new bf, knowing they'll be the next sucker before long.

all advice here is good,

[Honeydragon]

my bf went through these phases when we were younger. Once she was married I realised I had no room in my life for people who could behave like that, especially as I was still expected to be friends with her dh. I phased her out over 10 years ago. I have recently found out she finally got caught out and the fall out for her children and family is awful. i am just relieved I am well away from it all.

[Hattytown]

Been reading this thread with interest, because she sounds like a friend of mine.

She had repeated flings in lots of different relationships. She was much the same as a teenager- always had 'overlaps' or 2-3 boys on the go at once. It didn't seem to matter much then. But it kept happening. In her first proper live-in relationship, to soemone we all thought was a great guy, she had a few affairs. At the time, us friends suggested there was probably something missing with her DP or she wouldn't be doing it, but she did it time and time again, in both subsequent marriages to guys she described as her 'soulmate'

After the last disaster a couple of years ago, she did see a psychologist who thought she had narcissistic personality disorder. She didn't agree of course but she did admit that she loved 'drama' and the feeling that more than one person had the hots for her. All of our old friends had long since steered clear of her and because of something that was happening in my own life, I had to do the same in the end. If I'm honest, she was always very self-absorbed and I really don't miss the friendship, which had become more of a habit than something I enjoyed.

I've read up on narcissism and I'm not sure what I think about it in relation to my friend, but I do think a lot of excuses are made for women if they act like this - they're unhappy, damaged, their relationship can't be right blah blah. When men do this, we all call them pricks or serial philanderers don't we?

[123fourfivesix]

Thanks all! I really hope she doesn't recognise herself if she ever read this.

Izzy - I have told DH about her (though my friend doesn't know this - I was shocked and just told him and thought I could trust him not to say anything). The first time was years and years ago and she had a threesome with two of our other friends (single males) who were also close friends with her DH. He was disgusted with them all and really wanted to tell her DH as he has been friends with them all since childhood. I managed to stop him and calm him down.

So I could say something about my DH being told, as she does not know that he knows.

For a long time she lived away, and she used to tell me about her affairs on the phone or by email etc. I found that easier to cope with as I didn't have to see them both iyswim.

For the past few years she has moved back home, and she has been faithful since then (as I said - no opportunity here) so I haven't had to deal with it. It's only recently after a long break that it has started again. It's hard though when I see them on a regular-ish basis though.

I do think there's something in the telling tales/ confession though so will try and put a stop to that. She says 'it makes it real'.

Hairynigel - glad your sister stopped putting you in an awkward situation.

I've got to pop out now for a while, but I'll come back in a bit. It is hard though, as if I fell out with her, all my other friends would have to go too as we've all been friends a long time in the same social circle (though we do know who to trust and not to trust).

[Hairynigel]

Yes she stopped. I felt bad saying it cos obviously as her sister I wanted to support her but I just knew I wouldnt be able to keep it secret.

People can carry on lieing easily once they're in the swing of it. I have cheated once before (would never ever again), you get such a rush and thrill from doing something you're not meant to be doing, it's hard to stop. I have always wondered how people in a committed relationship with children even start an affair though, how could you do it when you have so much to lose? Not excusing my cheating in any way but I was 18 in an emotionally abusive relationship, I had nothing to lose.

It does sound as if your friend is getting a thrill from telling you about her affairs, I would put a stop to that ASAP as it will only encourage her.

[izzywhizzystwelfthnight]

I think it's also the thrill of telling someone about it I think you're on to something here and if you cut off the oxygen that's allowing her to breathe her squalid liaisons into your life it may give her pause for thought.

I suggest you tell her that, while you love her very much and regard her as your oldest/closest/very best friend, she must know that in your view she is risking everything for nothing and that, as it's getting to a point where you're beginning to feel unable to look her dh in the eye, the subject has to be off limits and you don't want to hear any more about her sexual exploits with other men.

Her behaviour is particularly reprehensible if she's ttc with her dh while having unprotected sex with another man but, apart from reiterating that she's in danger of destroying everything she presumably values if she ends up pg with a child that is not her dh's, I would suggest you avoid any discussion of morals per se.

Do you tell your dh when she's embarking on one of her 'adventures' or is he blissfully unaware that your best friend, whose dh is also his friend, is a serial adulteress?

If you've been keeping this unwelcome knowledge entirely to yourself, it may also pull her up short if you say that you're not sure that you can continue to maintain secrecy because you're accustomed to sharing your burdens with your dh.

Say that worrying about her future if her dh finds out what she's been up to has become a source of stress for you which has caused a few sleepless nights - you could make light of this i.e. 'ironical isn't it? you're the one that should be wrestling with your conscience and I'm the one lying awake wrestling with mine and hoping against hope that you'll do the decent thing'.

Good luck with this and I hope you'll come back with an update after you've had 'the conversation'.

[123fourfivesix]

Hairynigel, did your sister stop after you told her that? Did you feel drained too?

I really don't like it, it makes me question everything. How can people just carry on like that without showing any signs of guilt or anything? If I cheated (which I never would), I feel like I'd have to confess straight away. It would mean that my marriage was over.

[moogalicious]

Listen to hotchoc - people like this have no qualms about shagging their friend's partners.

[Hairynigel]

My sister cheated and told me all about it so I know how you feel. I ended up telling her I don't want to hear a thing about it, and if she does tell me again I will tell her DP as I will NOT support cheating.

Good luck OP, it's a hard position to be in

[123fourfivesix]

Nailak, there's definitely something 'wrong' there, but I don't think she has any mental type problems. All other aspects of her life appear relatively normal, but then again from the outside, she does seem normal to others.

If she does bring it up again, which I'm guessing she will as she works in close contact with this man, I'll have to tell her to take it elsewhere. I think it's also the thrill of telling someone about it iyswim. We have another close friend, who she would never tell so perhaps it may slow her down somewhat.

I saw her DH yesterday from afar, and normally I would call out to him to chat and say hello, but I just couldn't face him one to one iyswim.

[nailak]

Maybe its a symptom of something, manic behaviour?

[Sapphirefling]

I couldn't be friends with someone who's moral compass is so obviously skewed.

[123fourfivesix]

Oh God Hotchoc, Sorry that happened to you .

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sounds like the friend I had who shagged my H after having had a number of affairs...

[123fourfivesix]

As for what the friendship brings me, she has always been a good friend. I have known her since I was 12 and we grew up together. Apart from all this, I love her. She is fun to be with, our conversations flow easily and we both listen to each other equally. I just hate her actions if anyone knows what I mean.