To think DH should wear a wedding ring?

[karmathreefold]

The thread about the unmarried couple wearing wedding rings reminded me that DH has stopped wearing his.

He did wear one for the 15 years he was married to his ex, and he wore the one I bought until the beginning of this year (acutally I bought both), but then said it didn't fit him anymore, so I got it sized up for him, then he said it was still too small, had it sized up again, and still says it's too small.

if he just wasn't into jewellery I'd be OK about it, but he was so into wearing one in his first marriage, and in the beginning of this, that I find it hard to accept his reluctance - heck he even wore it on the photos he took of his 'privates', which he says he took to send me when I was pregnant with dd1

[troisgarcons]

Sorry Sweetheart, I really am.

[karmathreefold]

Some support, though even my family thinks he is lovely now.

He got really angry last week, when I moaned about the new TV making a funny noise, then he pinned me against the wall, and said that I made my ex (my son's dad) hit me (he was very violent and we split when I was pregnant due to this), and put him prison (he tried to rape me, and kill both DS, who was 13, and me)...

I feel sorry for Ds's dad now, maybe I did provoke him into trying to rape me, I was sure I didn't but DH gets angry now, so I guess it must be me,. No woman would find two violent/aggressive men, so the common factor in them is me, I must drive them to it.

[YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe]

NO NO NO!!! Sorry but women do repeatedly find the same type of partner, particularly violent men.

karma please seek help now, you are in a bad vulnerable place and he is abusive. Try a women's helpline. You did NOT provoke your XP - I can tell you that for sure - it isn't possible to 'provoke someone to rape you'.

You sound really low, please find some RL help :(

[ImperialBlether]

Christ, OP, you shouldn't have left that out of your original post.

That is a disgusting thing for him to say. I don't think anything you do will change this man and so I would advise you to get out now.

[karmathreefold]

I did kind of provoke him though. I paid for the funeral, then he claimed it back, refused to give it to me, and bought a new TV for the bedroom, even though I had said I didn't want him to.

I was quite upset as it started whining and woke me up.

I think the stress of DD2 dying has got to him too

[HowlingBitch]

OP you sound so low. Is this the first time you have talked about all this at once?

Has he ever pushed you against the wall or been aggressive like this before?

[OliviaMumsnet]

HI there
We're going to move this out of AIBU
Thanks
M Towers

[YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe]

OP that is not provocation. :( Look, I'm hoping someone with more experience than me will come along with some words of wisdom, but no matter how grieved and stressed he is, nothing ever gives anyone the right to behave like that to you and to say those things.

tbh what worries me more than anything is that you seem to be accepting it. Please don't, you have yourself and DD1 to fight for, please get help. I'm so sorry, but I think he is unfaithful and he is acting out because he thinks you see this too. You deserve a lot better, anyone does.

[ImperialBlether]

Where are you moving it to, Olivia?

[madonnawhore]

OP I remember your other thread about his holiday sweetheart.

I'm so sorry but I do think this man is an absolute cock. While you're grieving and vulnerable you need to be as far away from this toxic wanker as possible. Do you have any friends or family you can go to?

[OliviaMumsnet]

Sorry, IB, to Relationships
THanks again,

[karmathreefold]

I have spent a night with mum, but then she had my nephew over so I had to come home.

Yep the holiday(s). He had one when I was pregnant with DD1 as well, he went to Gran Canaria twice last year. I've haven't even got a passport.

He is a good dad to DD1, and I know he's grieveing too, but since the shock of losing DD2 has worn off, I've started to, I don't know, feel stronger maybe? And am trying to convince myself to leave. I just hoped to get confirmation that his behaviour is strange.

He was married before (as I said earlier), and his ex had an affair and left him, though I've never met her.

I've not met any of his friends either, he doesn't see them at all. The only one I've met is his female friend, his ex fuck buddy, who he still works with (and he admits is still after him).

He doesn't see his family, so they don't even know he's divorced from his first wife

[tallwivglasses]

Oh god Karma, yes - I remember your other threads.

You got some great advice and mnetters were horrified as your story unfolded.

Sod coffee cups, rings, photos...this man is an abuser and you know you need to get out for the sake of your (and your children's) sanity and safety. So sorry for your loss - but like you said, you've started to feel stronger. Build on this, gather up your children and run like the wind.

[squeakytoy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

No woman would find two violent/aggressive men, so the common factor in them is me, I must drive them to it.

Absolutely not true at all. The truth is that violent and aggressive men usually pick women who they know are calm and gentle, who they can dominate. They are very good as coming across as such nice blokes to reel you in.

Sadly there is a common pattern that women fall for the wrong blokes more than once, but it certainly does not mean that you are at fault for them treating you the way they do. They will treat every woman they meet like that.

He isnt a good dad, a good dad does not treat the mother of their child in the way he is treating you. :(

He is behaving terribly and yes, leaving him would be the best choice you could make, for you and your daughter. You dont want her growing up and thinking that a normal relationship is like this, because it really isnt. You both deserve better.

[karmathreefold]

I do (sort of) realise it. But then he tells me about his ex wife, and (although I've not met her) she was very domintant.

Our neighbour (who DH refuses to talk to) actually said to me that I don't belong here, as I'm "too nice", and that she could never talk to DH's ex, as she was scary (she used to threaten people, whereas I'm very quiet, shy and unassertive).

Apparently they used to have drunken, drug-fuelled parties, which I think DH misses - and I've only ever taken speed once (and then panicked).

He and his ex also used to have threesomes, which has always made me feel as if I'm not good enough, or woman enough, for him (I'm so not into threesomes).

[squeakytoy]

I very very very much doubt everything he has told you about his ex is true.

In fact, she probably booted him out for behaving exactly as he has done towards you. Or, she did leave him, but for someone who would treat her decently.

It does sound like you are out of your depth with him. The best thing you could do is get away from him.

[struwelpeter]

Sounds like you need to break all these issues down:
the ring and the cock pictures are him punishing/abusing you in some fashion fwiw my ex took cock pictures shortly after birth of our DS. I found them. It was, in retrospect, something to do with him feeling left out/jealous/asserting himself in some peculiar way. It was certainly a strange thing to do and showed a skewed way of dealing with a huge upheaval in his life.
However that is not the main issue for you.
Have you had help dealing with the death of DD2? You need to be give yourself as much time as it takes and if he is not in a position to share or deal with this with you, it needs dealing with alone or with the support of close family/friends/professionals such as cruse.
The abuse: you don't have to do anything you don't want to. It sounds as if he might be playing out some of the ways ex used to dominate him against you. Once you have children things such as drugs/threesomes etc are mostly of the past - see it through you DD's eyes, he obviously isn't. Try to detach, don't show him your vulnerability and make plans to be on your own with DD. He seems bad news.

[ameliagrey]

poor you
this isn't about a ring- it's about if he is faithful to you. looks like he wasn't/isn't.

I hope you are having some kind of grief counselling and so sorry about your DC.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I remember your previous thread about the photos OP.

So sorry you are going through such a hard time. You really need to get away from this abusive man.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I cannot comment on anything you have said previously without going into a massive rant about women who tolerate too much for the sake of a relationship, any relationship

are you asking for advice, OP ?

or for just a bit of hand holding to stay with this sexually-incontinent and deluded tosser ?

I won't do that, but I will reiterate, again, that you should fuck him off to the far side of fuck and never look back

are you anywhere near to doing that, do you think ?

[toothpastegirl]

i'm so very sorry for what you've gone through. He doesn't sound good for you at all . I think you know the reality of those photos. They were never intended for you, sorry but they were for another woman.

[chipmonkey]

Karma, you know by now what I think of your H. And as for your ex, you know you didn't deserve to be attacked like that. Listen to me. You do not deserve this. I don't know why your self-esteem is so low but please contact Womens Aid and leave and take dd1 with you. She deserves better too.
And please don't think you need a man to survive. A bad man is a far worse thing than no man.

[LotteryWinnersOnAcid]

I just checked back and read the thread. OP, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant, I didn't realise the back story at all and I think that you should not be with this man.

I am so sorry about your DD.

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice, I hope you find some help. Someone above mentioned Women's Aid. I think that would be a good starting point.