Should I put up or get out?

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

I think I want to divorce my husband. But I wanted to chat and I've no one in RL to chat to about this.

It kinda has all came to a head this weekend, but I'll start at the begining. Ok, so before kids we both liked to go out at the weekends and get drunk, or stay in and get drunk. Whatever, alcohol featured as did staying in bed till afternoon, nursing hangovers. Not really an unusual story there.

So four kids later (1 set of twins) my OH still does this. He think as he works hard all week he is entitled to relax at the weekend with a few drinks (I work four days too). Now a few drinks means enough to be drunk, he sits up till about four or five in the morning on the computer chatting to people (probably looking up porn) and listening to music. And funnily enough he won't get up in the morning - in fact he very rarely surfaces before 3-4 pm at the weekend. I have tried shouting and bawling, I have tried cajooling, I've tried pouring cold water on him, nothing works. He either doesn't get up or if he does he is so foul mooded I wish I hadn't bothered.

So on Friday night I was feeling a bit sick and ended up spending the whole night with D&V. I told him i was ill and that he should go to bed as I was not going to be able to get up with the kids in the morning (the kids are 7,5 and 2 year old twins).

He ignored me and went to bed about 5am drunk. And would not get up in the morning. So on Saturday I had to get up with the kids after spending the night puking and having the runs. When he finally got up at 5.30 pm his firsts words were 'jings what a mess' before disappearing out to buy his dinner as oven chips and chicken nuggets that i had made the kids didn't appeal.
And then he wouldn't even help me change the sheets on the bed (one of the kids had puked) or put the kids to bed so i could relax.

The worst is he doesn't really see what the big deal is.

its not just me is it?

[SwitchedtoEatingCheese]

Thanks Conway. Its good to know its not just me. Money wise I should be ok, I don't earn a fortune but enough to get by , especially as I don't have the expense of child care thanks to my mum.

Conway, would he not continue to pay for schools if you split ? Especially if h is the main earner ?

[conway]

I am going through something similar. My husband and I used to drink a lot but after having 2 children I hardly drink at all while my husband still does. However mine does get up early and is quite good with the kids when he is around.
we are seriously growing apart as I try and drink less he is drinking more. I too would like a divorce but don't think I can afford it so am trying to hold out till later when the kids are older and not at private schools.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[SwitchedtoEatingCheese]

Thank you all so much, and for not judging me for putting up with his behaviour for so long.
He has been staying at his mums since wednesday and coming later to pick up more clothes but they will be at the front door. If he (I suspect he will) revert to usual type my plan b is to rent somewhere else to live so he has absolutely no right to step foot in my house.

I deserve a better life for myself and children.

[SundaysGirl]

It's so sad to see this is a year old, however as you say perhaps coming back to it will help you to remain firm and not sweep it under the carpet this time. He's obviously got so used to just apologising and it all going back to 'nomal' that he thinks whatever he does is ok.

Hopefully for all your sakes this time it really hits home that apologies are empty words if they are not followed by positive action.

Good luck

[Servalan]

So sorry OP . Have you heard of AlAnon? Maybe you could get some advice/support from them too?

Wishing you strength

[Crinkle77]

What a selfish twat. Get rid

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's still not taking you seriously so you have to raise the stakes and make his life uncomfortable. Repeat that you want him to leave on an hourly basis, remove him from your bedroom, don't include him in any meals/laundry/activities ...whatever it takes to get the point through his thick, booze-addled head... and, if all that doesn't work, talk to a solicitor and get the divorce papers on their way.

[ErikNorseman]

Stay strong, he is selfish to his very bones, he will not, cannot change.

[MrsMelons]

Sometimes it takes time to actually do these things but well done for doing it now. I am sure MN will support you in not letting him back - you deserve better!!!

[foofooyeah]

I didnt notice the dat originally, I know it must have been a bad year but so glad you are now making that move.

It is so hard sometimes, but you know you are doing the right thing.

Best of luck to you..... think of it as lightening the load as you have one less child to look after now

[BertramBertram]

Stay strong & good luck x

[SwitchedtoEatingCheese]

I started this thread over a year ago and sadly I never took any your advice. Once again I swept it under the carpet and pretended to be a happy family.

Numerous other fights over the year, again all 'forgotten' as it was easier and maybe I kinda felt I didn't deserve any better, or that I'd made my bed and should lie in it.

At new year we all went away with friends and his behaviour was so bad his best friend gave him a black eye. He wrecked the house we were staying in . I can honestly say I have never been more ashamed in my life.

So he has gone, he is at hs mums though and still thinking that I'll forgive him and let him back.

And every time I think I might I want to look at this thread and remind myself he will never change. I am not sure what will happen - but I refuse to spend another night under the same roof as him.

And thank you all, belatedly for the advice I should have taken a year ago.

[PeppermintPasty]

Ah, the festive flower! The bin is the best place for it!!!

Be less disruptive for the children of course if he moves out of the family home, but it sounds like he expects it to blow over again. Good luck.

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

PS the poinsetta is in the bin!

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

He is nightshift so went I got up this morning (had a long lie - thanks to strikers) he had very kindly bought me a ponsetta plant from Tesco to say sorry. And a packet of maltesers each for the kids. I guarentee he went to bed thinking that I will be all sweetness and light when he gets up and well will forget about it.

I don't know if I'm more pissed of that he thinks a £1.75 plant will appease me, or if I'm more pissed off at myself that in the past it probably has worked 'for the sake of the kids'.

If you asked him he would say he loves me. He loves playing the family man in a kinda look at me way - if he does anything with the kids he posts it on facebook i.e a photo of them outside the cinema (but when they came back spent the night moaning it cost him nearl £30 for him and the boy) . Ideally he would keep us in a wee box in a cupboard and bring us out to play with occasionally.

I could afford to rent somewhere for the kids and I but I would struggle to pay that and half the mortgage too. I have told him if he moves out i won't expect him to pay half the mortgage and that if he wants the equity I we can sell as soon as the market picks up ( I would need a mortgage for 100K and only earn 25k so don't think i could afford i myself).

We shall see what he has to say when he gets up.

[ImperialBlether]

Better that than let the children see every day how little they and their mother mean to him.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Unfortunately though you will become an actual single parent by doing this - he won't let them interfere with his drinking time so he probably won't be arsed seeing them

[PeppermintPasty]

How are things today switchtvoff?

[CailinDana]

See a solicitor. You can't actually throw him out of the house but if you start divorce proceedings he'll start to get the message. You'll be so much better off without him. I know it will be a hard process but it'll do you so much good in the long run. Good luck.

[FetchezLaVache]

He's astonishingly selfish- how much "me" time does he think you get? I think you should seek legal advice. Could you afford to rent somewhere with the kids while it all gets sorted out?

[GypsyMoth]

No you definitely can't just change the locks

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

Elinora, in a word, no.

My life is full and busy with the kids at the moment, and I get enough love and affection from them. But no, without them I would be very lonely.